Healing potion

God Universe has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself

New Moon, New Path

Yay! I so love vacations.  

Travel time!

Actually, who wouldn't

Habang nagpapahinga ako sa kwarto dala nang fever at ubo at allergy, napag-isip ako: Bakit medyo mahirap talagang maintindihan ang buhay, laging may problema, may issues, may mga challenges at di matapos-tapos na worries. Tapos, may sakit pa ako, at tambak ang mga hugasang bowls at kutsara at tinidor at mga labahang kailangang labhan, banlawan at isampay. Idagdag pa dito ang hindi matapos tapos na pagtanggal nang tiles sa aming apartment floor para palitan nang mas matibay na flooring, kasabay nito ang ingay nang tiles na binibiak, alikabok at pagpukpok ng martilyo sa sahig. Read: allergy at alikabok; fever at maingay na hallway; bed rest at mga domestic stuff na hindi pa nabibigyang pansin. Hindi ba ito ang mga kondisyon na nakaka-snap? Yung tipong konti na lang ang hinahawakan kong sanity at kahit ano mang oras ay malapit na akong bumigay? Perhaps get hysterical? 

Nanduon aang train of thought ko nang bigla kong na-realize (after calling in life all the patience I have left), maybe the question is who wouldn't snap?

Yun. Spot on. Something to keep my day sane. Something to hold on to to bring back my faith in life and universe. 

I convinced myself, it's ok to snap. It's ok to tumble, to fall, to breakdown. To let the flood rush in and rush through and then let go. THEN I laughed, with all my might. I laughed at myself. (I made big boo-boo yesterday night, the electricity went out while I was washing my clothes, so dark all around esp inside the laundry area. I rushed to my room to get candle. Then ran down four flights to have it lit by guard bec he has matches, (and I don't) and I ran upstairs again carefully guarding the light. Upon reaching 4th floor, my apartment-mate commented, parang baligtad yung sinidihan mo, and yes she was right, yung bottom part yung sinindihan ko hindi yung talagang wick sa kabilang dulo, upon realizing the crazy blunder, I laughed so hard at myself, it was even better bec my apartment mate is laughing hard with me. Oh goodness)

Maybe the crack/the snap is what it is all about and it is about accepting it, that it exists, and that in life there are a lot of things out of our control. We tried our best and we have to let it go. Fall when it is time to fall. Empty out when it is time to empty out. Laugh. Laugh at our crazy attempts to live life like we know how it works, like we have full grasp of it, like we are on top of things, because laughter is our most powerful weapon: it is a signal that we are at our wits end but we are still fearless; we are helpless but we still believe, we still hope. I read somewhere that where there is laughter, fear cannot enter. 

Share laughter with friends and loved ones. 

Then start all over again. 

Back to work everyone

This is me

The issues of pamaypay

Oh come on, what’s with my pamaypay today? It had been a target of two people this morning.

Earlier, I was just fanning myself behind the driver inside the cab, then he suddenly exclaimed, hindi ka ba naaabot nang aircon? I said, naaabot ho, pero may sakit po ako (kasi nga naman the woman’s body is hotter when she is menstruating). Actually, hindi ko dapat sinabing may sakit ako, sinabi ko na lang sana na meron po kasi ako, kaya mas naiinitan ako. Nahihiya kasi akong sabihin sa kanya na meron ako, personal na isyu ko na yun eh.

Sabi ulit nung driver, “Imposible namang di ka maabot nung lamig ng hangin eh malakas naman itong pagset ko sa aircon. Dapat di ka na magpapaypay.”

Tapos ang ginawa ko, sabi ko, "ganoon ho ba?" Tapos tiniklop ko na yung pamaypay. Sa totoo lang di naman talaga malakas yung aircon niya, saka nasa likod ako kaya di ako masyadong naaabot nung malamig na hangin. Medyo na-feel ko na madaling mag-init yung ulo ni kuya, kaya di na lang ulit ako nagpaypay at tumingin na lang ako sa labas ng bintana.

Ang ginawa niya, nagsalita siya ng mataas, sabi niya, nakakahiya kasi na makita nang tao na nagpapaypay ka sa loob nang taxi. Sabay patay ng aircon at bukas ng bintana.

Whatda?! ~&#!+ So, eventually nakarating din kami sa office ko nang di ko na ibinukas muli ang pamaypay.

Ano bang masama kung gusto kong magpaypay habang may aircon? Gusto kong matuyo yung buhok ko, gusto ko ring mas bumilis yung pagdating nung malamig na hangin sa akin at yung pamaypay tool para mas maabot nung malamig na hangin yung iba pang parte ng katawan ko. Saka meron nga ako, mas naiitan talaga ako ngayon.

Ano ba?!! May issue na pala ang pagpapaypay ngayon. Haiii 

Tapos pagdating ko sa office, lock pa ang pinto. Wala pang tao.

So mainit na naman. After 30 minutes, dumating na ang may dala ng susi.

Tapos kabubukas pa lang ng aircon. So, instinctively magpapaypay muna ako para naman maging presko pakiramdam ko.

Pero lumapit sa akin yung isang admin assistant, nagporma siyang may sinesenyas na medyo seryoso, na para bang may nakalimutan akong i-unplug from yesterday dito sa office kaya may kaunting problema. Pero pagkalapit niya sa cubicle ko, sabi niya: “Gusto mo kunin na lang yung electric fan at ilagay dito sa cubicle mo?” Mapapalampas ko sana ang sa umpisa ay inosenteng pagtatanong, pero kasi yung behavior niya nung lumalapit siya sa akin, para bang sinasabi na lagot ka, may kasalanan kang ginawa, iyon pala ay dahil sinasaway din niya ako sa pagpapaypay. Pagkasabi nito, ibinaba ko ang pamaypay at tinanong ang sarili, may issue ba talaga ang pagpapaypay ngayong umaga?

Hai anuba yun!

Tabula Rasa

Seeing the Oblation standing amid the destruction around UP Campus in Leyte, I cannot help but feel the profound invitation of hope. There is light, beyond the desolation, beyond the seemingly insurmountable challenges, beyond desperation. A very bright light which remains pure and untouched by anything that befalls the humanity and its creations.

And I believe that that light is here to guide us in molding new and sustainable beginnings.

Clean slate, a divine gift to all of us.

Let us rise again

Whenever darkness creeps in, I always remind myself of this gem of a wisdom I learned from a Permaculture practitioner. He said, water is the only element that exhibits same quality after being subject to freezing point and boiling point (both 100 degrees celsius) - it expands.

And then I put my mind back to the biology class, that the human body is composed mainly of water. 

And that water is basic component of any living being/thing.

Life may put us into grueling pressures and may throw us into deep troubles, but I trust that we will all rise up again with awareness and better understanding of ourselves and our humanity.

Bittersweet

Must be the whale cry again, or maybe just the mood here in the City.

Just feeling this familiar sense of melancholy.

Suspension of emotion, denial of isolation.

Good thing I have Genmaicha and crackers to keep me company.

Journey Essential Creed

Feel the fear, then do it anyway 

(^_^)

Of Sadness and Whales

My, I have to finish a lot today and this is where my emotions interrupt. Maybe Paolo Cuelho is right, writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. Today it is so easy to cry, I can just drop a tear right now. Pinaliliguan ng luha ang mga salita at mga kwento at mga anyo ng komunikasyon. I usually like this feeling because it makes me write. But inclined inside not for office nor work. Heavy day.

Remembering my swimming skills, I wrote these sad lines for my friends:

Dear friends,

Feeling really sad today, perhaps, heavily sad, if there is such a thing. I feel like swimming. But in swimming we should just take it easy, breathe easy, concentrate on how subtle force can propel you to move to far distances. 

Wearing goggles can help too, because it will allow you to see underwater. But for now, I will just use my ear to feel and know my direction. Like how it is with whales, they make whale sounds, which submariners refer to as whale cry, to determine where they are. Any object, be it fish, stones, sea creatures, that will bounce back the sound that whale produced will give clues about its position and direction. 

According to submariners who are usually strong and mature men, the saddest sound they hear deep in the ocean is the whale cry. No matter if they are military men, navy men, the cry will really make a full grown man weep. Thousands of leagues deep in the sea, thousands of miles away from their family, their friends, the familiar civilization, these submariners long for home and familiarity after hearing the whale cry. Oh well, some days maybe even up above the sea, even in these concrete roads, cemented cities, airconditioned offices, there are days when we just hear the whale cry. Must be something from deep within our subconscious. Something that the humanity share. Something that all of us share. 

Just writing using my emotions, can't really watch out about coherent thoughts and logic and grammar.

I keep swimming, swimming and swimming.

Deep breath, here comes final stretch

Ok, here goes the video editing phase

 

Breakfast and lessons on growing

I treat my 20s as an intense period of learning. It is with deep connection to my tendency of stubbornly following my original plan, that I cannot change my mind in the beginning, middle or near the end of a goal that I set myself to do. But as life has been teaching me this past few months, there are a lot of things out of our control, therefore, more or less, it is convenient to change our minds from time to time to be able to achieve our goals. Being stubborn and hardheaded about changing plan had been my Achilles heel ever since, but this Cebu experience is really set to teach me about giving enough room for adjustment when plans fail. It is again one of the comfort zones I need to leave because I need to grow.

As I am typing now, I am expressing my joy after eating my freshly cooked pechay in olive oil and soy sauce and egg peppered with thyme leaves, I served it with three slices of bread.

Ah wonderful! I am really heartened by the magical taste of these yummy treats for myself.

Actually I originally intended to cook egg, cook pechay and wait for canteen to open so I can get rice. That means an hour of wait because our canteen opens around 7am, but I finished cooking at 6am. But heck, my table is set for breakfast already and I realized the food in my plates are enough. I must savor the flavors while its hot. And my choice proved to be right.

Satisfied with my simple but healthy breakfast, I look outside my window and welcomed a new day coming. The sky is filled with bluish hope, this should turn out to be a good week.

Although there comes a point when we need to make more adjustment than we were used to, we should be happy to welcome the change, as it teaches us to grow slowly, gently. Growth as we all know is painful because we will never know what will come next, it is altogether a new territory. I come to a point when I just trust the process, to just let go and let new experiences stir us to greater awareness and emotions. Of course, we must not miss the beautiful sky outside the window as we go through the bumpy ride of Growth Avenue. We must open ourselves up more to changes that come with growth, who knows we might be giving ourselves a rare big chance of putting healthier and yummier food in our table. 

Spending weekend in my house

Yes, I am very productive

&Looking forward to new planner ^^

Isang entry para sa huling paalam

Makakaasa ka, mula ngayon, tatalikuran ko na lahat nang pangako at ekspektasyon na sa huli nama'y di na rin matutupad. Naubos na rin yata ang mga luha ko. Napagod na rin ang puso sa pagkirot. Ibinaba ko na ang tangan-tangan kong bigat na galing sa ating pagkakasunduan.

Ngayon, parang ang gaan na lang. Akala ko dati'y mas madali ang magaan, mali pala. Mas mawawalan pala ng direksyon kapag sobrang gaan lang.

Lalangoy na lang muna ako. Hihintayin ang araw na sa wakas malalaman kong buo na ulit ako. Na naghilom na ang sarili mula sa mga sugat at bugbog ng emosyon at alaala. Matiyaga ko iyong hihintayin, mula sa pagliwanag nang langit hanggang sa pagtataboy ng dilim dito at sa di mapipigilang pagliwanag nito muli. Sa ngayon, lalangoy na lang muna. Lalangoy nang lalangoy. Nang lalangoy.

A visit to Quezon City

La Playa Beach and Kawasan Falls, Badian

Footsteps in the sea

And crying is all I can do to battle sadness.

Beginning of Autumn

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” 
― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

Too soon

I think I did what I do best again and again. Oh, how I always run away from commitment. Watch me bleed again. Welcome Autumn, you come too soon this year :'(

Girl Anachronism 

I don't necessarily 

Believe there is a cure for this 

So I might join your century 

But only as a doubtful guest

Know your true name

 Spirited Away or Sen and the spiriting away of Chihiro (Miyazaki, 2001)

[Chihiro is being called Sen]

Chihiro: Granny... I just want you to know my real name! It's Chihiro!
Zeniba: Oh, what a pretty name! Be sure to take good care of it, dear!

Akin ka na lang

Cat Stevens circa 1970
Got picture from here

Major LSS moment

At bakit ko naman kinakanta ang himig na ito sa aking utak, puso isip. Hindi ko rin alam.

As time goes on, I realize
Just what you mean to me.
And now, now that you're near,
Promise your love that I've waited to share
And dreams of our moments together.
Color my world with hopes of loving you

Chicago / color my world

Some selfie moment

Hello ^^ during an ocular in Quest Hotel

Falling in love with new theme

Can i say i luuuuuurve my new theme in tryfictionbyjoyce blog

Holding on tight

This is a cute picture of Panda who after quake was so scared and afraid. Thankfully there is this guy with his right foot and hand ready to give loving care. It reminds me that during a scary moment, we are never alone, someone is just around to give us tender hug.

Til summer comes again

I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know with a white quilt and perhaps it says, "Go to sleep darlings, till the summer comes again."

Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

And the universe goes on and on and on

Hello from Cebu 

Ooops, currently busy at the moment

Dearest readers,

I would like to ask for your understanding as I will skip my weekly letter posting because awesome have just happened to my quaint little life. I have to go to the unexplored south this weekend. And settle there for months.

This will be a quick note as I am still struggling to fit every fragment of my life, material and otherwise, in a box. To those closest to me, I presume your shock because you know I am very averse to fitting anything inside boxes or anything to do with fitting, boxes and the kind. But due to so many transitions in the past months, I have to make do with it as of the moment.

I will write as soon as I am safely snuggled inside my tiny room in Cebu.

Love and pink hugs,
joyce

Ladies' night

Hanging out with former officemates

Coron, Palawan pictures

Greens and blues and hues (Hidden Lagoon)

Pristine Malcapuya Beach

Travel buddies, Romina, Joyce, Ryza and Paolo

Snorkeling, lovin' it

Picture perfect moment during hike to Kayangan Lake

Friday Letters: Amelia Earhart's love for freedom

Today, I decided that Friday would be my day for sharing some letters whom famous people wrote that inspired and transformed the world. These letters are very relatable and relevant, although some were written decades ago. I remember watching SATC movie part 1, where Mr. Big, to get her back, sent Carrie some love letters written by famous and beloved musicians, thinkers, philosophers and authors. I cannot help but be curious and intrigued by how these great minds feel about love and sacrifice, faith and failures, challenges and triumph.

There is something about letter writing that makes us all very human. Maybe because we tend to pour our hearts out onto these pages trusting that the eyes reading them are in league with our minds and emotions. Maybe because writing private, much more intimate, letters is an art of marrying our heart and mind ~ a very powerful and compelling combination. Perhaps, letters also give us a context of the society that the author and reader belong to ~ the age, moral standards, milieu. Through these written letters, we will also see how they defied traditional customs, how they struggled to fit two or more inconsistent truths, how they tried hard to establish their convictions amid the great transition of their times.

We are lucky to be part of this generation where we have access to these intimate self-portraits of great thinkers drawn through words ~ their sensibilities, idiosyncrasies, pleasures, guilt and perhaps universal view.

~

Amelia Earhart's radical view of marriage is as liberating as her historical air expedition across Atlantic ocean. I never knew Earhart that much before, except when I heard that line from New Radicals' song Someday We'll Know ~ ok, 90s kids lemme hear you sing it ~ whatever happened to Amelia Earhart!

Anyways, being a curious kid back then I searched the books and found out that she, aside from being an author, is the first woman pilot (aviatrix) who fly solo across the Atlantic. She also attempted to circumnavigate (fly around) the world but she disappeared over the Pacific Ocean in 1937. From the looks of it, she sees flying as a very liberating experience, which unsurprisingly becomes the backbone of her life conviction - freedom. More than a very independent spirit, Earhart also has this radical conviction about marriage. Written February 7, 1931, our letter today is written in the morning of her wedding to George Putnam, her publicist. Seeing marriage as a threat to her freedom, she started the letter directly emphasizing their deliberate discussion of sharing life together and managed to finish it with firmness and careful stress of her love for freedom. She drew a very brave set-up of marriage for her and her soon to be husband. 

There is by the way a film entitled Amelia (Mira Nair, 2009) starring Hilary Swank. You can check here

Also, Amelia refused to have her last name changed, so she continued using her name until the very end. 

Sources:

1. Amelia Earhart official website http://www.ameliaearhart.com/

2. Brainpickings: Amelia Earhart on Marriage http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/12/11/amelia-earhart-on-marriage/?utm_source=buffer&utm_campaign=Buffer&utm_content=bufferd6940&utm_medium=twitter

Post, interrupted

Time passes by so fast. Since we are now half way across 2013, I want to post an entry about my adventures in the past 7 months but as I was typing this my mood suddenly changed.

I dunno if it is the doughnut I ate awhile ago or perhaps something on the water, but I suddenly feel sentimental. Must be the weather. Outside the window, the sky looks very quiet, muted white clouds cover the usual blue; the grey-ish-thick-cover echoes city sounds perfectly, pointlessly, just like an empty well that apathetically swallows coins into its dry stony bottom.

Maybe I will think about my mid-year review later... I will lament the melancholic sky first.

Embracing big gifts

Burn it down

Burn it blue ~ the truest blue that I will ever see while all that are important to me are dissolving, crumbling, falling down

Good. 

I feel new bones.

I feel reinvigorated.

I feel like am seeing the world in a new perspective.

Disorienting at first.

But that is the beauty of new horizon ~

Fresh, wild, unexplored.

Waiting for its guests to find its abundance

I arrived to learn, 

Feeling tight my stronger backbone ~

stable foundation

Solid core

Who said it is easy to grow?

Small step after small step.

Measure progress with the depth of emotions that I feel, that I recognize, that I respected, that I understand.

As long as I feel, I know I will be fine.

~

Of transition

click here

Keeping up with the tides of change

So my best friend and I are going south this month. And we are going about the usual motions of pre-vacation preparation. Just now, we have not been receiving any reply from accom people that we are emailing. Then I suggested to my friend why not couchsurfing? And she agreed.

It is my first time to send couch requests to people. I wrote a very dramatic message, I dunno why. Haha, but I hope that the people I sent it to will heed the sincerity of my request. Here is the message:

For me, this trip means a lot because it is my first time in Coron. I had been to Palawan, but in Puerto Princesa and that experience alone made me a different person. Looking at the mountain formation, the blue ocean ~ it profoundly reminds me that the nature is really here, alive and flourishing even before me and actually even after me. This realization grows in me day by day and it made me believe that my worries and problems are just little compared to the big big world/nature. So whenever I feel down and sad, I turn my thoughts and emotions to nature and its vastness. I am simply a small creature under their magnificence.
But lately, I lost my 'path' in life and I am seeking myself again. So now I am travelling Palawan again. My friend and I will tap the power of travelling, nature and meeting new friends. We will definitely climb Mt. Tapyas. It is also our dream to snorkel and witness lakes, aside from island hopping. I want to learn about the culture too.

Mmm, now am just hoping for positive reply from one of them.
Mt. Tapyas, Twin Lagoon, Kayangan Lake etc, I believe you are as beautiful as I saw you in my dreams. I will arrive soon ^^

Feeling nostalgic here is a photo of mom and me at Kapurpurawan Rock Formation in Ilocos Norte

 And this is me perched on solid rock

Coming soon: New destination this month ^^

Follow the moon

Today I feel like following the moon.
Although I am sure its face will change minute by minute
Full round, sliver of light, sharp edge, half smile
Long rigid side of ambiguous grin

As an avid observer, I usually feel its mood
different faces, different emotions,
up the dark sky, long after our sun hides
but its warm glow keeps me safe all night

~

Back to city life

Ok here we go, list again:

1. Open water swimming is cool, I really have to work hard on it though
2. Buy new eye goggles
3. I like the feeling of 'in transit'
4. Mas masarap ang kalamansi muffin kesa sa banana walnut muffin. But mas masarap i-partner ang muffin sa salabat
5. Mango cheesecake is best with Americano
6. Nothing beats acoustic music that is performed in front of silent beach surf under quiet waxing moon
7. Best time to make friends and talk to strangers? When looking for joey in Station 3 ^^

8. Walking barefoot on white sand <life couldn't get better than that>

Sunday, aye!

According to James T. Kirk: 

There will always be those who mean to do us harm. To stop them, we risk awakening the same evil within ourselves. Our first instinct is to seek revenge when those we love are taken from us. But that's not who we are... When Christopher Pike first gave me his ship, he had me recite the Captain's Oath. Words I didn't appreciate at the time. But now I see them as a call for us to remember who we once were and who we must be again. 

Hope James Kirk is right about this one. I will start journeying again ~

Back to school everyone!

Last weekend before the scramble for enrolment!
Freshmen orientation is left and right ^^ I do want to be part of this big stuff for young adults who are experiencing their crossroads.

My thoughts focus on disaster management.
How can I work in a disaster reduction or disaster management company if in my own life I don't know how to do damage control. No wonder I got pieces of advice like awareness and just let go.

Maybe disaster management is not for me.
Oh well.

I think people who are fit to do disaster management work are those
>who work and give extra mile
>who diligently work to conquer their fears
>not afraid of transition
>compassionate beings who can see rough patches ahead but still find courage in their hearts to move on and stay committed
>who are brave enough to touch rock bottom and flexible enough to spring back to surface

These are hard qualities to sustain during these difficult times. And I am still work in progress.
I wish that someday I will be strong enough to do this.

Up in the air!

face your fear weekend

before

after

Off to north

Packing my travelling bags in a minute.
Adventure weekend! Road trip! Out there in that big unexplored north!

I will be out of town 'til Monday.

Wishing showers of stars under moonlit beach.
Lunar eclipse is just around the corner.

Love to all.

Mid-year book wishlist

Yes, this one, yes!

UK cover

US cover

ps. I like the UK cover more.
also, you can find an article about it here.

And oh, this one too:

^^

Last is:

Victorian style scrapbook illustration

I hope these jewels will find themselves into my bookshelf by the end of the year.
XoXo

Moving sideways

“You are carrying a masterpiece hidden within you, but you are standing in the way. Just move aside…”
-Osho

Shift is coming

Celebrate the malleable reality
~ Jason Mraz

I read from a wise person that "In the depths of trouble we find the deepest resources we have"
I know that this is true. I believe it. But sometimes we just have a certain false idea of what is enough trouble. Sometimes fear just steps in and then we forget about faith. Now my birthday wish is that all of us will find that deepest resources within our hearts because it is just inside us all along. It will show us the path to solution, to abundance and to peace.

I have seriously considered shifting to another MA course. I do believe it is more in alignment to what I really want. If the road to greatness is full of suffering and isolation and loneliness, then I might as well follow the road that I truly want, the road worth all these pains. Greatness that resonates service and equality and harmony.

Before I end this entry, I would like to share this poem as my special gift to everyone, please find courage in these lines. I got this poem from here

Love came and emptied me of self by Abu-Said Abil-Kheir English version by Vraje Abramian

Love came and emptied me of self,
every vein and every pore,
made into a container to be filled by the Beloved.
Of me, only a name is left,
the rest is You my Friend, my Beloved.

Gift to myself

Pidgeword Journeys

the new object of my affection

hearts

O-well, eight days to go

Am turning 27 in eight days. But bahumbug, universe you have been very keen on letting me know about the adventures and misadventures that life has to offer. Maybe you need to cut some slack? ^^

But as I have been enjoying loving my vacations lately, it makes more sense if I maximize all my precious minutes in these provinces that I visit. 

Well, my stars gave me one big surprise early this month and guess what, the compass points north!

***Yes sweet swans, I will be busy packing again and travelling again***

Road trip up north. Weeeheee!!

So before I go pack my travelling bag (I am getting better at it weekend after weekend) I should make a list! These bullet points are not only about my north adventures, but also I will include some random dreams (achievable or not), some advocacy, some personal accomplishments, some pretty little facts about myself as I reached my 27th mark in this big universe. So guys here:

Ready, here we go with lists again!

That 1km zip line at Hannah's Resort in Pagudpud, I shall conquer you! 

(but how does one ride a zip line ba? it would be my first time, just now I am getting the cold feet! 

I must research ^^)

Packing my travelling bag

Lentils soup

Mediterranean Cuisine

Photography (sheesh, this term i dug up from back in the good olden days of freshie college)

Walking along beach, waves touching my feet as the sun rises up

Colored pens on planners

Vegetarian kare-kare

Sale seat tickets

Weekend getaway

Porgy and Dexter

Meditation

Bombay bicycle club and Daughter

Volunteer

Sky gazing

Odie and Allie

Century Old Houses in Vigan

Postcards and stamps

Mango bravo

gourmet garden

MA papers

french indochina

single life

career

emails, blogs, instragram and twitter

Opera mobile browser, two thumbs up

dirty ice cream at sunken

yogurt and mangoes and muesli

blueberry jam and butter and focaccia

spinach quiche

blueberry cheesecake

lemongrass ginger cucumber cooler

full moon over the beach horizon

permaculture

spica and aldebaran and regulus

panda 

jogging and biking

flying

Parent's house

pallas athena, hermes morpheus and hermes thaddeus

lovelovelove

Breaking Chains

Nineteen years ago, I knew a little lonely child.
She newly transferred to her house at the province.
She is a new student in a new school.
She is making new friends in the compound, all were her cousins.

She left her old house in the City. As well as some cherished childhood memories.
Her friends across the street. The neighbors whose voices and faces she came to know in her life of seven young years. The big grandparents house. Silong, siesta, sundo from school . . .
Her special tita who nurtured and cared for her when she was growing up.
Nobody knows that most of the time, she asks who is mother, and who is tita.
And on the day that she was to leave the City house, she cried hours and hours, huddled in her tita's tight embrace. She asked for tita to come with her, but tita said she has to stay at the City.

Silent tears flowed hours and hours, she lost track of time.

All these she left behind.
But the impact of sorrow was too much for a little girl.
That her heart just threatened to stop feeling at all.
That the ache is too sharp, too heavy.
So in the darkest, most secret of all secret places, in the old City house, she hid her heart.
She coiled it with thick chains of red and silver. Locked it with black candado.
Keeping the key deep within.
Never to unlock it again because of the mighty emotions she felt, frightening and painful and shattering.
That was her first experience of abandonment.

Crazy pain,
She never want to feel again. She. Promised. Herself.

Years passed.

She built her life. Triumphs. Failures. Lies. Betrayals. Forgiveness. Depression. Hope.
High school. College. Career. Work. Inspiration. Despair.
Now she's an adult.

She learned of more abandonment. She learned of more horrors than abandonment.
She learned of self-preservation. She learned of protective walls, of empathy and of pretending.
She learned of concealing pain. Of vulnerability. Of tears in waking up. Of tears for others.
Of tears for herself. Of tears on sleepless nights.
She learned of tightly shutting her eyes to hold back tears.
Of running to the comfort room to cry it all at once and emerge from the cubicle with strategy to let not one soul know about her hurt.

Then she learned of people who will try to dig in. Who will try to make her trust them.
Who will make her believe that affection and care can heal that badly burned empty place where heart once was.
What follows: bliss, happiness, adoration, intimacy.
Then of course: betrayal, lies, reworking, blaming, endless negotiations.
More and more abandonment. Feeling like the helpless foolish little girl again and again and again.
More and more isolation. More and more the empty space where heart once was is becoming bigger, hollower, darker, emptier, scarier, full of failed dreams, bitterness.
But the other part is -- a part of herself nurtured by faith, renewal, innocence and hope, something close to soul -- says:
1. Cutting slack of the strictness
2. More and more strength.
3. More and more attuned to herself.
More and more she realizes that to arrest the dark growth of the place where the heart once was, she has to put the heart back in it.
And now she is preparing to mount that journey.

*

During roughest bump in life, a little voice in her dreams reminded her (much like the voice of the little girl she knew 19 years ago) -- you promised.

What promise? Not to hurt again?
Maybe. Maybe not. But one thing that she knows now is that (a) these hurts propel her forward: making her realize the immediacy of decision based on fewer mistakes and self-preservation. (b)These pains are part of learning process. (c)That these cruel bitterness is what makes the good times count. And the darkness is just an invitation to reveal the light of the star stuff that the bodies are made of.

Back to the present, facing that old rusty promise; saying hello to an old friend.
Now she's an adult made stronger by tears, breakdowns, fears and doubts -- she wants to make a new promise. Immersed in the reality of life, she asks herself if it is the right time to break that old promise.

Maybe one day, she will break the chain. Baby steps. One gentle step after the other.
And she is out on a journey to find a worthy reason to free her heart again.

Ode to pictures

Pictures are now the little golden tokens where my love and affection rest.
It reminds me of the good times, of those happy smiles that automatically curve our lips at the right moment with the right people.
It also brings back the memories of innocent wonders that excite our emotions when we arrive at a new place.
We point our cameras at certain angles.
We deem what is visually aesthetic.
And then we shoot.

Very dynamic.
Unedited.
Pure delight.

Random thoughts again and again

. . .  the night is full of smiles,music and magic . . . 

music: shuffle | bombay bicycle club

Got to believe

That this time the universe will give you to me.

heartfulloffaith

Birthday wish

I want to go to Caramoan 

because of this

<3

In transit

These past weekends I found my travelling bag very helpful as I leave the city for greener fields in the province. During the whole of April, all of my weekends are not in the safe confines of QC house bedroom, but some are in the familiar grounds of my parents' house and some are in resort, in a farm, in a blockmates' house or in the sala sofa of Cavite house.

All in all, my summer is full of adventures. I have been out of my routine (work, studies, home) for two months now. Although some days I am haunted by the blues, but most of the days I am actually getting used to it and loving it - life without pattern, just going to places I have never explored yet, learning about nature, meeting old friends, knowing new people and adding new lessons and reflections in my little life. The adventures I engaged myself into pushed me into places and situations that are not part of my usual routine: I will find myself lost in the blue ocean waves, or surfing the telly in cavite house. Or on top of sky eye or feeding koi fish!

Enjoying the farm house
TUWA the Laughing Fish Nueva Ecija

Alahbiga resort
Laiya, Batangas

Ronald, Febbie and I inside Sky Eye capsule
Tagaytay

There, some of the best weekends of 2013 so far. I have to congratulate myself, I am getting better at packing my bags and travelling stuff. I wonder where my stars will bring me next weekend!

Anyways, another batch of pictures who I spent my month with.

Mom and Dad waving
Calamba, Laguna family swimming

Dinner with Lauren, Pao, Sa, Mae
Friuli

Mom and dad and our house and a cat
Cavite house

Although Calamba swimming deserves another blog post, I included a picture of mom and dad enjoying the summer sun between mountain and swimming pool. They are my travel buddies and picture subjects during this summer break.

Although 'in transit' is just a state of having moved from a source point to reach the other point or a destination, I still find the whole experience very valuable. And this is just the middle of summer!

New road to travel

Gardens are patches of love  

In this moment of shifting perspective and great personal transformation, I saw an oasis that inspires me to believe that life is worth all the pains, sorrows and frustrations. That this sad part is just the half side because the other half is the patch of garden where plants, trees, ponds and humans harmoniously co-exist. Maybe to be able to appreciate the value of this most fortunate circumstance, we first have to go through the rough patch of our lives. This experience made me believe that death means rebirth. That endings are doors to beginnings. Fear is the dark sky that makes our faith even brighter, burning bigger, ever loyally growing to light our paths. 

This is the season to focus on our faith and keep the flames of hope burning because we are here to give love and compassion to the changing world. Our source of strengths are friendships, good intent we have for others, our genuine love for the earth, so we must not feel weak. But in the moment we feel like giving up and breaking down, we must go back to these good relationships for renewal. For they will always point the path to us because they love and trust us. Ultimately, they know how to heal us.

We are the limitless source of faith, hope, love and compassion. 

Not tonight

Not tonight

Joyce Rojo

Yes, not tonight, I am enjoying my reruns of ATBG

Not tonight, because I am with Thyme, my new whale sticker

Definitely not tonight, I am going to read the yellowing pages of Northern Lights

Positively not tonight, I am updating my blog

Nope, nope, not tonight, I will not let one question bother me

of Graduate Schools'  final requirement for this sem

Precisely not tonight, I am not going to deal with the 

hassles of adult world, certainly, it will still be there tomorrow

Not tonight, I am still blinded by the luminous moon

and twinkles of stars amid the summer wind

That feeds the fire of my innocent dreams

Tonight, I refuse to be a grown up; at least not tonight

Humming while trailing the path

How to keep Saturday an inspiring day:

1. Watch Studio Ghibli film (highly recommended: Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, but actually all of them)

2. Listen to the ending song

3. Read the english subtitle of the song

4. Feel inspired 

That's exactly what I did and now I am sharing with you this song with english translation at the bottom.

Always with Me
--------------
Somewhere, a voice calls, in the depths of my heart
May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart

So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through
I know on the other side of them I'll find you

Everytime we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above
We wake to it's blueness, as for the first time

Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight
I can with these two arms embrace the light

As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel
My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real

The wonder of living, the wonder of dying
The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity

Somewhere a voice calls in the depths of my heart
keep dreaming your dreams, don't ever let them part

Why speak of all your sadness or of life's painfull woes
Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you

The whispering voice, we never want to forget,
in each passing memory always there to guide you

When a miror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground
Glimpses of new life, reflected all around

Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn
Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
Cause here shining inside me, it's right here inside me

I've found a brightness, it's always with me

Keep on going

Dear MA studies,

Now, I am really worried about the 8-page paper that you require of me. So I will try and make a paper/study structure, I hope this will keep me going, even just little by little. Hai, MA, please be gentle with me. I have been dedicating so much of me to you, so please give my vulnerable heart a tender tugging and not the usual forceful shove.

I will greatly appreciate that.

Love,
Joyce

PS this brings to mind Robert Frost, I do need a big dose of inspiration! :: mood :: just following the trail.

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

 Whose woods these are I think I know.
 His house is in the village though;
 He will not see me stopping here
 To watch his woods fill up with snow.

 My little horse must think it queer
 To stop without a farmhouse near
 Between the woods and frozen lake
 The darkest evening of the year.

 He gives his harness bells a shake
 To ask if there is some mistake.
 The only other sound's the sweep
 Of easy wind and downy flake.

 The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
 But I have promises to keep,
 And miles to go before I sleep,
 And miles to go before I sleep.