Though they are not rare, it is still something to find and behold a colorful male mandarin duck. It caused some frenzy over the internet when people frequenting Central Park in New York found a mandarin duck gliding along its pond in 2018.
What's fun to note is that it holds a lot of symbols in East Asian cultures. These ducks are famously referenced for their compassion and marital loyalty. They are observed as monogamous species due to frequent displays of courtship with the same partner, moreover they are fierce with intruders, especially the males. Most Japanese, Koreans and Chinese couples have these mandarin ducks as their symbol for fidelity and great love.
Introduction: Okay, so I have been wanting to write something for a long time and I come across a writing prompt about Persephone. For a long time I have been engrossed by the great story of Hades and Persephone, and their tumultuous lives. As in modern interpretation, the abduction part could be compared to other contemporary arts like The Phantom of the Opera.
According to The Conversation:
Erik then sings to Christine of the attractions of his isolated world of darkness and night:
Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night
The plea of Hades to Persephone is quite different in the Hymn, but the desperate loneliness of the two males in their dark realms is something that they have in common.
FYI, I have loved the Phantom of the Opera for a long time, and my friends and I watched the theater production in CCP years ago.
Anyways, here I tried writing something regarding the prompt in the title above. I haven't written something for a long while, so I hope you will be kind to me.
Writing prompt: Persephone writing to her friends
Dear friends above,
How’s everything going above? I am sure it is bright and
sunny, full of colors and smells of nature. It’s been a while since I tasted
and smelled and touched and saw the above world. All my happiness and gladness
rest in knowing that the above world is as peaceful and clean as I have known it.
It has been a while since I've been living my life here below.
It is full of movements, intellectual figuring, forming habits and emotional
dependence, most of all emotional instincts. Rare are moments of logical
clarity, but I must relentlessly wait for it to come as it is the glue that
holds my system here altogether. It is full of emotional instinct,
intuitiveness, walking in the dark, auditory instincts – of course I have been
blind for a while, with this kind of darkness, this volume of darkness, it will
take a while to adjust to it. He has served as my eyes, he willingly
volunteered to do it, as he wanted to keep me alive. He is very devoted, very
protective, intuitive and skilled in sensing what I need and he has this
ability to foresee what would be needed in both the near and far future.
Interestingly he is kind and sweet even romantic. Strong but
soft, clear headed at times when he is in control of his humongous emotions. He
is intellectual and most of all, intuitive. He has this amazing sense of
knowing many things in just one look, because he doesn’t look with his eyes, he
looks with his soul. His soul, like his name is ancient. He is hurt beyond my
comprehension but he is still alive in his own sense and definition of living. He is keen about his survival, but if he
values you, he will share that self-protection with you – you will become an
extension of himself, sensing which way would ensure not only your basic
survival but how you could survive in the most wonderful way, the best way of
survival. He instinctively knows that I would not survive in his dark world, so
he has no choice but to protect me. I still don’t know why he abducted me, but
I know he wanted to keep me alive, under his own terms and his own watch. I don’t
even know how to keep a secret anymore, he doesn’t take his gaze off me, he is
always in my space, contemplating and meditating at the foot of my ‘room’.
I have been blind in this underworld. I realize now that
eyes are not important when you are suddenly engulfed in many layers of
darkness. No matter how clear my eyes are, they are not going to help me see.
He has been my eyes for a long time, stirring me to the right places, driving
me to the spaces where it will be safe, guiding my every move. His eyes are not
what he uses, he uses his heart and soul to see, those require tremendous
energy as opposed to the minimal requirement of the eyes, that’s why he needs
to contemplate and go inside himself from time to time, to recharge and
rejuvenate. And also to correctly adjust and realize where he wants to go next
and what he wants to do next. I can sense that he is too tired sometimes, he
has been doing these intense things inside him and even outside him in this
realm for so long. When I sense that he is too tired, I try to console him and
show him my warm presence. I don’t know if it is enough but eventually he
springs to life again and ready to face his challenging fate. But of course, as
in natural law, we all grow and we all adjust to the space we have been
occupying for a long time, acclimation has been taking place and I am slowly
waking up from the infantile situation that I was in. He knows this all too
well. He doesn’t try to control it actually, so that is a good news to me. He
didn’t stunt my growth and my transformation, he respects natural laws, because
I am sure, he is governed by it too. But I sense that he is mortally afraid now
that I am waking up beside him. However, I guess because of affection and love,
he lets me take my time in growing and he wants it even.
Yes, he could be a tyrant but he doesn’t want to influence
in any way my growth, he didn’t touch it with any malady or malice. He kept the
purity of it, he kept it safe inside. He is really a mix of love and danger,
passion and rage, but he is real and authentic.
I sense that he is mortally afraid that I now have my own ‘eyes’
to ‘see’, possibly because he expects that I will judge him, in all his
darkness and in his own sacred space. But deep in my heart, I know that I am
not given this opportunity to be in his intimate space to make him feel bad
about himself. It is not in me to judge him, it is in me to help him and serve
him. Because I have felt how heavy it is to be given that burden and seen him
carry it up to the last of his strength, every single day.
Anyways, I have been playing with his dog, Cereberus. He has
three heads and he is very cheerful. He keeps a watchful eye to this dark
realm, just like his King. He is fierce, acting like a royal guard to the
treasures of this realm.
I have to keep this letter short. I might write again when I
find the time.
Love,
Persephone
Never has this song resonated so much to me until today💦
The Killing Moon
I am sad, so sad.
That kind of sadness where it seems impossible to track where it
began and impossible to know if it will ever end.
That kind of sadness. Like infinite.
Also, I am unmotivated. Just lost.
I am like a blob.
Boneless and all liquid, spilling all over.
Hopefully this feeling will go away soon,
please
please
I honor these drowning emotions, though. Even though it is hard to
handle this kind of mood, I want to honor it by listening to the Queen of
emotions, the great Joni Mitchell.
She always consoles me with her music.
She speaks directly to the heart. And oh, how she really knows
what words go with pain and sadness.
So here, I am dedicating this song to my fellow humans who might
be having this kind of day.
There are days when I can do a lot of multi-tasking, but this is not one of them. These last few days I felt like my mind was slower than ever. I don't like these kinds of day because it means work will pile up and I hate that feeling. How can I sleep at night when I know work is waiting for me to sort them out?
How?
But of course it could be that I have to listen to my body and my mind. Maybe I need to slow down. But still, isn't this the time of pandemic? I had a lot of extra time in my hand. I had been on forced vacation for almost 8 months now, along with mostly everybody. So, why am I like this now?
I remember, I rarely took vacation leaves when I was still working in a traditional work set-up, I mean I had an office/academy to go to and a regular full time work load, and mostly working over time. Work is life, I was so used to that kind of set-up. But now, why oh why? Why do I get tired easily now?
But then, maybe it is because of the work set-up now? This work from home is not so new but it has been going on for months, so maybe that's it? I am still adjusting?
Is it really that?
Or maybe I haven't really gone somewhere else for the past 8 months and I haven't seen friends face to face for like eternity.
And there wasn't anything to do in the weekend like Saturday morning market in Salcedo? or Sunday market in Legaspi? or morning walk in the University avenue in BGC? or a jog in the oval?
Or maybe an open concert in the amphitheater? or fairs, or food places to visit or any kinds of bazaar? Nada. Nothing.
Or maybe just a quick visit in another province? A weekend in a beach resort? A holiday spent in the mountains? Or even dipping in a swimming pool? Or going to a special restaurant in a popular tourist spot, even the not so popular ones?
Those small short visits somewhere outside the city before the pandemic were considered quick fixes for the busy city lives that we lead.
But now, I believe they are not just quick fixes, they are actually necessary for physical rejuvenation and for maintaining our mental well-being.
When can we go out and explore and travel again?
Today the sky is gloomy, mostly overcast with strong howling winds, coupled with terrible downpour. It was how the day started and it looks like it is how it will end too. It's not surprising to note that the sun rarely made itself visible, if at all, today. Times like these I worry about low lying flood prone areas, I pray that the people could take shelter to a safer and warmer place. Sadly, due to the imbalance in nature these strong category typhoons and instant flooding would be the norm. And of course, we are also in the midst of a pandemic, so sometimes I wonder how we can survive these almost impossible levels of calamities that befall our generation.
However, in this age of mute darkness we are somehow keenly forced to search and eventually appreciate the flimsy flicker of light. I remember in color theory (when I was still studying black and white photography eons ago) an object is called black/dark if it only absorbs light, while a white/bright object is known to reflect most colors. The theory suggests that in a setting of photography, there are three main players: the source of light, the object and the camera (which is our eyes). Hence, in this system the eyes only see the object in connection to the light it is reflecting. In reality, we cannot really see everything about the object, only how it plays with the light and it depends on our angle and distance from the object. In short, there are so many things at play in this setting, so many things to consider, photography is really not simple at all. It further explains that our brain and eyes are wired to see the contrast, we don't see what it is, we see what it isn't. For example, the room is bright, because there is absence of dark, taking this further, blue is the absence of yellow, green is the absence of red, hence there is what we call the forbidden colors blue-yellow, red-green. These color pairings automatically cancel each other out in the human eye, it is said that it is impossible to see them simultaneously because of the neurons in our eyes where red light exactly cancels the effect of green light (so with yellow and blue): try imagining reddish green or yellowish blue? Hope your brain won't go berserk.
However, visual scientists Crane and Piantida published a paper called "On Seeing Reddish Green and Yellowish Blue," in 1983 they argued that these colors were realizable and even glorious to behold. They conducted experiments with artists who have integrity in color vocabulary and as a conclusion some of them perceived the combination of these forbidden colors, the answer lies in knowing how to look at them in the right way, but not everybody can achieve that. Those who successfully found the colors combined said that there was blurring of the boundaries between those two colors and that the colors seem to flood into each other.
For others to experience such glorious color combination, there were a lot of scientific experiments dedicated to the refinement of method, but the scientists' ultimate answer is that it must be actually about abolishing the competitive cancelling of neurons between the forbidden colors.
I can't really explain this so well, but my point is our vision, based on scientific fact, can only go so far because we are largely basing it on the power of neurons which can actually cancel each other out. Maybe, to finally find the flicker of light in a space of darkness, we must try to cultivate something inside of us that can abolish the seemingly duality of color. That maybe, there was no duality at all, maybe it is all one and the same, but that largely doesn't fall easily to our rational brains.
Okay, I might have lost my train of thought in this one, and it is actually difficult to make a thesis out of it, but what I am saying maybe is that darkness has a lot of potential for light, but we have to change/transform something inside of us to find that elusive holy grail of flimsy flicker of light.
It is just weeks into this grueling month but I feel deeply exhausted. The online classes with students are not easy at all, especially the paper work and all the scheduling. My time is very limited now, but my mind is equally conjuring different systems to make work more efficient. Sometimes, I've got a thousand things going on, incubating in my mind, I wonder how I keep my thread of sanity intact these days.
***
There are moments of clarity but then there are moments of extreme disconnect in my mind. I was so good at multi-tasking before, now it feels like I have to jumpstart my mind more often than not, is it the effect of the break given to us by the pandemic? The old selves were shed and we are now in the brave new world of the new self?
***
I don't know about other girls, but I find brooding men very sexy. However, there should be a limit to brooding, there should be a balance to being broody and being sweet. I don't know if it is natural for to men know how to balance it, but they should really find that fine line to make their women more into them.
***
Sometimes, when you found a good student, you will finally have a reason to celebrate. It is like this, for example, you found a really interesting book but the book is a bit difficult for some other students so you don't use it with them. Days passed by and days turned into months, you still couldn't find that student who will perfectly understand that book, so you forgot about that book. But somehow eventually you come across a good student and in a quick moment of sweeping epiphany you realize 'so this is why I got that special book, it belongs to that one of a kind student'. Happy ending for both the book and the student.
***
I wonder why dreams are more vivid when I am under pressure. They are longer too. But I can't remember them anymore when I wake up.
***
I get bone-tired but when it rains, it is like my worries and tiredness were all washed away. Thank you rainfall. But please don't be too harsh and don't dump too much water, we pray that you will just give us enough water so our reservoir and dams will be filled up to tide us over to next year.
***
When can we go to the beach? I miss sitting on the sand and just watch the surf come and go. I miss being under the night sky while listening to the dance of the waves. When?
Still the same feeling, amazing how some songs are like time capsules, they keep the feeling alive in us once we play them.
Hurt | Nine Inch Nails
Lately, I have been feeling deeply ungrounded. It's me being unfit for human company. I really need to dive deeply inside, to find what's bothering me. But of course, this feeling of just hiding under to hibernate for a very long time is not new to me at all. It has been happening like a cycle to me since childhood but I remember being more aware of it during teenage years, more particularly college time.
It happened during creative time, perhaps a better idea would be nearing finals. Those dates otherwise known as hell week in the university. Those were times when classes were dismissed by the professors so students can spend more time in the library doing research or in the workshop (sometimes photoshoot, editing, etc), creating something. It was a highly creative time and not to mention a highly isolating time especially for me, but it benefited me more because I don't have to face people or not forced to talk to classmates/groupmates. Coming from a small family, with only my brother to talk to or most of the time to ignore, I lived in a very conducive home environment where I was all by myself most of the time. I loved being alone from such a young age, I had cousins but I didn't spend time with them. I was mostly my own company and I thought that was enough. But of course I developed friendships during my elementary and highschool days and they were all wonderful classmates. Not until I developed deeper relationships in college that I learned that having a younger sister would be fun. I am not sure about having an older sister or younger brother, but maybe it would be fun too. That's the only time that I realized maybe I am missing something. Most of my friends have siblings either younger or older than them, and they said they grew up in a loud household but fun kind of loud. By contrast, I usually spent my growing up days with my lolo, mom's side, so I was exposed to the wisdom and guidance of people older than me for most of my life. But the household I was in was usually quiet, busy and lonesome.
So when friends talk about siblings and childhood, I sometimes don't have anything to share except that I had most of my fistfights and kick fights and pillow fights with my brother. My brother and I didn't really interact so much because we had different interests except for chess and boardgames and computer games. My toys were not his toys, but sometimes I borrowed his toys. When my parents went to work and my brother started to go to school, I spent my time with my lolo, because lola died when I was much much younger. And I loved my lolo. He was such a good, loving, attentive grandfather. I was the only girl apo for the longest time, so I got most of his attention. Yeah, in my growing up life, I was mostly the only girl ~ the only daughter, unica hija. I am used to being the only girl, it must be where I got the instinct of how it feels to be the only girl in a person's life. That's why I have a keen feeling when I am not the only one, I have developed that skill from childhood (subtle warning to guys) so beware ^^
Anyways, this isolation feeling yes. It has been hovering over me for days now and I am sure it will not go away, it will stay for a long long time. My experience taught me that I should do something creative, serving as an outlet for this deep undefined feeling until I figure it out (though impossible) or until I make a tiny little bit of something out of its deep waters. Sometimes it scares me how I can be very comfortable in being alone and that I am too reluctant for anyone to be in my space. It is not easy to let anyone in when darker days are here within me. I am so used to being alone so for people who will find me weird in the coming days, well here is a side of me that abhors sharing space, but if you are comfortable with silence, or just being present but thousands of leagues away (which is actually difficult to explain) then welcome to the dark daylights of my sphere.
Today is a busy day because there are a lot of students/clients who are contacting me left and right. It is a bit exhausting but it is good for the business. I badly need to save up to fix my laptop.
Today is a busy day because I have to put up a wall scheduler where I can confirm my available spots for a possible student.
Today is a busy day because I have to fill in my scheduler with different time requests of students. It was easier when I have a limited number of student, but because of influx of students since yesterday, I have to be on top of the game by efficiently marking each of them right after the initial talk.
Today is a busy day because there are schedules that I have to draw up for initial interview. These interviews will help me assess the capacity of the student. It will help me in book recommendation and in drawing up a study program for them.
Today is a busy day because I finished eight reports. Those are a combination of weekly assessment, attendance and class report and initial assessment report.
Today is a busy day because I have to make programs for each of these new students. I like making a program for students because it is the bloodline of the whole class sessions. It is where I can measure their progress and where I can revise when I think that the student is a bit slower than my initial assessment or the other way around where the student proves to be more savvy than previously assumed. It is one of the downsides of initial assessment, students are stressed so they don't perform 100%, but once they feel relaxed, that's where their true ability comes out.
Today is a busy day because I have as much as 1,000 things running in my head but I still have to be sane and on top of this. Although, because of the time of the month, I am running a little fever and not feeling 100% over all. Argh, why do women have to slave under hormonal changes in a month cycle? I am not just talking about days, it could last weeks, and sometimes it can be as long as the entire month cycle. It is waaaay crazy.
Today is a busy day and I expect myself to deliver, but I am so cranky and I am terribly irritable. #don'tcomenearme #notafunMondayattitude #manicMonday
Today is a busy day, and I was so close to giving my new student a very bad in your face attitude, because she was behaving in an unbecoming of a student way, I asked her a question but she was just ignoring me, I repeated my question for 10 times but she just stared at me, and it kept on happening for fifteen minutes. But fortunately I stopped myself because she is young and I am a responsible and kind teacher, deep deep sigh!
Oh well.
Today is a busy day, but I have a cracking voice, my nose is runny, my throat is itchy and I have been sneezing, feels like I am suffering from an allergic reaction. I feel like it is an allergic reaction to stress.
Today is a busy day and I have to go back to work.
End of post.
As we have now entered the sixth month of quarantine measures, I must say that I am getting so used to my new routine in the house. I wake up early, I had to do house chores, do online stuff, help parents, conduct classes, and then some hobbies here and there offline, which actually helps in keeping the sanity; I do them over and over again, day after day. To some it might be boring but for me, that's called structure.
As we collectively and bravely step into the uncharted course of this new world, I often find myself looking back at my daily diary log, from last year up until the start of quarantine. Not sure what I am looking for, but I am definitely looking for something that may help shine some light of inspiration to this dark uncharted path. Definitely last year was unprecedented, definitely last year was one of the biggest upheavals in my life. But actually, thinking back, it was not something sudden, it was something slow in the making and eventually last year was the year where it catapulted.
Though it was slow in the build-up, it is still change, hence it is still painful. In comparison, there were moments in my life when changes are sudden, and of course those are solid core-deep painful changes. Like failing an interview for a job position that I desire, or not getting the subject in the school program that I know will help me with my studies.
I have this weird relationship with change, I abhor it but sometimes I terribly need it. I couldn't fully function when I know something has already used up its functionality and that it is time for it to leave or to be cast away, but it is still there in my own sphere. If it happens I cut it heartlessly, no thinking twice, not even a blink. So I am also capable of swift sudden changes without pain.
Feels like I am not making sense at all.
Maybe I want to talk about so many changes in my life and in my relationships. Like letting go of some people, maybe by talking about it I can understand it more. It would be easier to digest.
It is because in my life, I have learned that people are not just people. They represent a part of me, they are the other half of the goal-shared, they are the other half of the planning, dreaming and scheming. So when they leave, it is like these plans just vanished along with them. It is like a room that I couldn't visit anymore because its door has permanently shut. It's heartbreaking because I grew to love that room and I even designed some corners of it, but now I couldn't even get a glimpse of it. See, change is painful. But I can talk about it now because I expected it and I know eventually it will happen, but I am not prepared for the residual pain.
It hurts.
Maybe it will hurt some more in the next few days or months.
But it is done.
All that's left is pain and failures and unrealized dreams.
I knew all along it was not meant to be, but it still hurts.
No matter how prepared we are logically and practically, there will always be that part that we can't control.
I know it is for the best of everyone, for the best of each one involved.
I remember days ago, I was watching this live broadcast of ABBA in 1979, releasing their new single The winner takes it all, Agnetha was asked to sing in front of the camera just days after her divorce with Bjorn. Of course Agnetha in her graceful way performed and delivered with such dignified class. There were short glances at Bjorn while she belted out some poignant lines in the song. Note: Bjorn wrote this song during the couples' falling out in their marriage. Up to this day, I don't know how Agnetha handled that kind of trauma, dramatizing her marriage story in front of millions of TV audience while her ex-husband was innocently playing the guitar beside her. Their marriage produced two kids and just a week after divorce, Bjorn reportedly went out with his new girlfriend. What a guy!
Just looking at Agnetha's eyes while performing, my tears welled up. Looked like she was fighting the tears while bringing a solid message through the song, that there is life after the dissolution of something that used to be wonderful. Something that used to define her. Something that used to be the world to her and perhaps her ex-husband.
Yes, that's what I was looking for. A dissolution of a world. It used to be there, but now it is nowhere. It is just dust. Just an empty space.
How does one survive a dissolution of a world?
Denial?
Diving into work?
How can one survive when so many layers of personality was deeply ingrained in that now-defunct world?
Build a new personality?
Build a new life?
Assume a new identity?
Maybe there will be more questions in the next few days, in the next few months, but in the mean time, I just want to watch Agnetha sing that song again.
Such a busy day today in our house. It is not always like this on Mondays since the lockdown, but today seems like a normal busy Monday before lockdown era. It started with me doing a document report for my students, and then parents' breakfast, then mom has a webinar with her workmates, where I should be on standby because she needs a lot of technical assistance, then of course in between, I have to squeeze in house chores. Then after the webinar, my tito came over to bring some stuff we left in our old house, a pile of boxes with lots of books and some Christmas decors. Some of the things look so familiar, and of course one of it was my old envelope filer, there were some old UP stuff inside. What's exciting was finally I located one of my thesis hardbound copy! I was thinking about it months ago because I already have my teaching portfolio in a hardbound copy, it needs to be put next to my UP undergrad thesis hardbound copy but I seem to have lost it somewhere. And today it resurfaced! Amazing!
Aside from my hardbound thesis, I also found some classcards from my UP classes. Haha, my grades were high in these classcards, and I am proud of them. I really had a hard time getting high grades during college because honestly the subjects were difficult. Argh, but I remember being a consistent college scholar and there was a time I was a university scholar too. You will only get that high standing when your total semester average is less than 1.5 or 1.75. But actually I forgot now if those were the correct GWA (general weighted average) for college/university scholar. In our university, 1 is the highest grade and 5 would be the dreaded grade you would like to get from a prof, while 3 would mean that you really did your best, but well not enough to get a dos, but your dignity is still intact, but I am not sure about sanity though.
When I checked these classcards, these were from the classes I loved the most. My professors who gave the grades were Prof Marra Lanot, Prof Nick Tiongson and Prof Joseph Fortin. There are many details in the classcards that will give away what subject and what year the subject was taken and of course, the most important number in any isko or iska, the student number. Upon being admitted to the university, you have to memorize your student number, it is your code, it is your life blood, it is your identity. The first four numbers would be the year you started studying in the university.
Well, after looking at these classcards, I became busy again because I had to help my mom with her phone as there was a council of the elders video call (mom and her sisters.) Funny how the pandemic is shaping our family communication. Anyways, have to wrap up because of many other Monday things to be accomplished.
End of post.
(1) Lately, it seems like there is an ongoing endless disconnect from what was familiar before and a very interesting dynamic but complicated attempt to connect to new objects/people/situations in my sphere of existence.
(2) I must say August's word of the month is death
(3) It feels like we need to empty ourselves more and more before we can start building/creating again
(4) I am learning to adjust to my new normal in (a) technology (b) schedule (c) way of thinking (d) emotions (e) general way of life, day by day, little by little, step by step.
(5) Today more than ever, time becomes more and more important to me. I am starting to view it in a different perspective, in different measure and in different texture. Maybe the rhythm of time is changing too or maybe I am seeing it in a new light. But the rhythm is surely there, we just need to patiently observe it and understand its pattern.
(6) I wish that we have reached the rock bottom of this pandemic and that we are now starting to move upward, but we still need to be vigilant and sensitive of our environment.
(7) Let's always be grateful, mindful and when we know that we need to act on something, just do it!
#mondayagain
Sometimes, I just want to be a normal daughter, someone that my mom and dad expected me to be, but then again, I cannot and most importantly I am not. I really believe that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am just really a normal woman/daughter, but for them, I am terribly rebellious. Aside from that, for them I am taking a lot of time to get settled, like any other normal woman should be around this time of their lives. Perhaps they picture me to have my own family where I get to have a husband and children, in my own house having my own career. They have been pushing me before and even until now, but not so much as forceful push as years ago, now, they have the wisdom to just gently ask me about my long-term plans. I used to resent those times when they sit me down for their unsolicited advise, why would they push me into a mold that I am not made to fit? I don't really understand that.
They must be really just after my own good, but by that principle, don't they realize that they are imposing their own view of life on me? Don't they realize that I have my very own view of life and that I know how I should live it as I see fit. Maybe I sometimes fail to see where they are coming from, but do they even take time to find out where I am coming from?
I have my stubborn streak, yes I know and that's a valid observation. I also realize what having 'own family' means. I see my old classmates settle in their own houses, with their spouse and kids. I sometimes think that's good, they know what they want from life. That's good, they really have the long-term goal set for them in their lives. But it is not how I see my life. It is not what I want in my life.
However, not wanting to have the 'normal life' doesn't necessarily mean to have no long-term goal. Oh I really beg to disagree because I have a lot of long-term plans in my life. I have goals for the long haul.
I just really want my parents to see that I am doing fine even if I have different goals in life. That I am a caring and a loving daughter even though I would rather spend more time observing and exploring than settling down. Besides, since I am single I have more time to devote to them, don't they see it? Don't they see the benefit of having me in their house and that I can be wherever they want me to be because I don't have my 'own family' that I may need to prioritize over them. I just hope they appreciate my role for them from time to time because it is also exhausting, but of course, I won't ever give up on them because they are my parents. I know they deserve more from me but I do really try to provide it, even though it may come in small measures.
This post is for my laptop, please go in peace, I will terribly miss you 💔
#mondayblues
Today while doing some house chore, I heard a song from a beloved band that
I haven't heard for a long time. Supertramp! I loved listening to them during
college days, well my taste in music is obviously inclined to those classics. I
love songs from 70s, they have their own kind of appeal. Their own soul. Of
course I also love new songs, but if you will search my music folder, you will
find more old songs from 60s, 70s, 80s than 2010s. It is mainly because of
Cameron Crowe (Almost
Famous) and his films which are usually packaged with great music. Anyways,
an entry about Cameron Crowe will need another blog entry.
So let's go back to Supertramp. It was an English band lead by Roger Hodgson
together with Rick Davies, both good lyricists and composers. They played for
more than a decade, then they disbanded.
I just really want to share this song actually, so enjoy!
“The moon had been observing
the earth close-up longer than anyone. It must have witnessed all of the
phenomena occurring - and all of the acts carried out - on this earth. But the
moon remained silent; it told no stories. All it did was embrace the heavy past
with a cool, measured detachment. On the moon there was neither air nor wind.
Its vacuum was perfect for preserving memories unscathed. No one could unlock
the heart of the moon. Aomame raised her glass to the moon and asked, “Have you
gone to bed with someone in your arms lately?”
The moon did not answer.
“Do you have any friends?” she asked.
The moon did not answer.
“Don’t you get tired of always playing it cool?”
The moon did not answer.”
― 1Q84
(2)
“THE MAXIMS OF MEDICINE
Before you examine the body of a patient,
Be patient to learn his story.
For once you learn his story,
You will also come to know
His body.
Before you diagnose any sickness,
Make sure there is no sickness in the mind or
heart.
For the emotions in a man’s moon or sun,
Can point to the sickness in
Any one of his other parts.
Before you treat a man with a condition,
Know that not all cures can heal all people.
For the chemistry that works on one patient,
May not work for the next,
Because even medicine has its own
Conditions.
Before asserting a prognosis on any patient,
Always be objective and never subjective.
For telling a man that he will win the treasure
of life,
But then later discovering that he will lose,
Will harm him more than by telling him
That he may lose,
But then he wins.
THE MAXIMS OF MEDICINE by Suzy Kassem”
― Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem
(3)
“There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt: swimming in the ocean while it rains, reading alone in empty libraries, the sea of stars that appear when you’re miles away from the neon lights of the city, bars after 2am, walking in the wilderness, all the phases of the moon, the things we do not know about the universe, and you.”
―
(4)
“It hurts my head to think of how many things had to happen for our paths to intersect. Of all those numberless little fortunes that led me to you. A broken alarm clock, a delayed train, a sudden downpour, and there we were. You and I, sharing coffee, our whole lives ahead of us.”
― Buried Light
