Soul search week

Fangirl mode (lovin' it)

While trashing about the deep dark waters of self-doubt and self-insecurity this week, I happened upon a number of inspiring people who gave me messages (unintentionally) that made me think of life in bigger picture. Maybe what I am saying is that, up until this week I was sure of my path, but came Monday, it suddenly felt like I woke up  on a boat battered by unforgiving storm in the middle of big ocean. Completely unaware, this big storm caught me by surprise. This concluded in almost a week of absence from work, ineffective planning and uncertainty.

First. Words of wisdom from my eye doctor. I had my eye check-up (at Asian Eye Institute) this Friday morning and my doctor was very cheerful. He asked me about laptop sleeve (which I learned, is different from skin). Then I mentioned it was just a gift to me. Then we talked about school, ROMVLO hall and main lib. That he needed to go to Asian Lib to study. That during second sem of 1986, Diliman was closed and classes were disrupted. Good thing he had all those P (Passed) grades that sem (he was graduating that time) because he enrolled full load. And that after BA, he went to UP Manila to pursue medical school. That was a turning point in his life. His story made me think of UP as our community, although I was just born the year he graduated his BA, we have that common impression of library and our mutual happiness about him passing his full load semester (we all know that enrolling full load in Diliman whatever sem it is could be really challenging esp during hell week!)

Second. I attended this community concert held at the Amphitheater which featured Buklod (Rom Dongeto). It was also a date with Fati ^^ She mentioned that it felt like it was a beach concert. With the moon luminously watching over us, the cool wind blowing, good music, audience sitting at the grassy ground, one would think of occasionally running to the beach to soak in its gentle waters.
I feel like I miss being near the waters. I long to be surrounded by it. To renew myself inside its protection. And I felt the closeness of UP community, we all share the love of indigenous music (courtesy of Kontra-gapi) and the music of Buklod along with Tres Marias and others.

Third. The picture above is a rare treasure. When I was in college, I religiously read his column and I finished his thick book about Martial Law in Philippines (Dead Aim) borrowed from Main Library. So, upon seeing him sitting at the side of stage, watching quietly, I knew that I am about to watch two spectacles: the concert itself and his reactions.
The event concluded with Buklod's signature song Kanlungan. What a treat! We all clapped our hands, healed by the power of music. But on a personal note, I know being there was a kind of healing for me. For someone experiencing the torment of searching for self-identity and purpose, finding myself belonging to a community who loves music, who respects diversity, who gather together to celebrate unity beneath the moon and stars through songs and dances, I somehow realized that I after all, am not alone in this torment, that people around me also defines me. That I share their tears, laughters and delight with each song played.
And that I feel like I am protected by these emotions because they feel the same, too.

adrift and flowing (ode to free fall)

Feeling unhinged. Have you felt that way when you are holding stack of paper then suddenly the wind blew and the papers just flew up, up, up and out of reach? This is exactly it. Maybe in good times, I would be able to run after the papers but now, I don't know. I would not bother at all. I might just enjoy the innocence of the moment and then let it go.

But thing is, life is full of deadlines. Being realistic means to run and catch the papers before it touch watery surfaces or before it will be forever out of reach. Yeah, I have paper deadline tomorrow, three-page. But why am not doing anything about it? ESCAPE. Ah, I do want to be harsh on myself but please, move it!

And the trouble is I just want to explore my smartphone. Argh, so childish! Haiii ^^

I did not go to work, I had bad headache and I need to finish a paper.
10.28PM
So here I am, my good old Main Lib, ready to take on all my frustrations and failures. Here I go again with my procrastination and self-criticism.

I must change this yea? Mmm, now on to my first page of reaction paper. Must not sleep until I finish this.

Appreciating small victories

Ah good to know I have time to blog tonight. Did someone up there clicked fast forward button to zoom our lives here on earth? Can you feel it too? Like everything is just happening so fast, so furious, simultaneously? That everything just sprouted all too soon? That after one big project in my office, I have to run fast to do presentations of my report in my MA class and that I have to submit papers too since it's midterms already, you see? It's all happening all too soon, all at the same time.

I sometimes have moments of intense pressure that I just cry. That in the middle of work, maybe typing stuff or editing video, it will dawn on me and I cannot stop myself from feeling scared and tired all of a sudden, then tears will trickle down my cheek. Ah, yes, been crying so much lately, I have been running to comfort room to release it all -- tears, fears, anxiety. It must be the heaviness of responsibility  or maybe that I am so tired that I cannot figure out how to work them all out neatly. But I guess it's not just easy, and the point is not doing it neatly but to just do all the task that I am supposed to do, with full concentration. I trust that this focus and concentration will keep me sane through it all.

So I was finally able to report to class this evening, it was a big relief. It was not my hundred percent, but I have to say I did well under pressure. With so little time to prepare, I was able to produce my presentation under an hour whew! The report was not bad at all, I even think they enjoyed it. But what I am after is that they learned a bit from my report. I am relieved. Very much.

After all, during this crazy time, I should learn to appreciate my small victories. It is the wisest thing to do.

Finally out of tremendous pressure

So this is how it feels to finally reach the quiet apex after days and hours of scaling the slope. Indeed, it calms the tired soul and alters the magnitude of imagination.

~