Moods #37

Kailan | Ely Buendia

Kailan ako lalaya

Burnout | Sugarfree

O kay tagal din kitang minahal

...

O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

Define horror!

That creepy feeling you had when you feel something bad will happen deep deep down inside, and then finally after some decades of fleeing the place, due to unforeseeable circumstances, you find yourself back to the place you swear you will not return to. And not only that, the bad creepy feeling starts being real, starts becoming true

That creepy feeling when you finally gaze at those eyes who you recognize, deep deep down, you do really recognize those gaze. 

This is one of the few moments when the intuition is spot on but instead of being glad about it, you feel incredibly horrified.

*

The Many Masks of Death (how dying shapes our perception and value of life)

I have been hounded by thoughts of death, dying and shadows of death lately.

You can take this sentence metaphorically or literally. Or both.

As I have been studying and reading many books and sources and listening to my spiritual teacher, I have learned that there are many forms of death: death of ideas, death of thinking cycle, death of methods of doing things, death of routine, death of one phase of life and of course there is also real, physical death ~ and in each of those deaths, we must be very aware of the correct rites of passage to bestow in each one.

Life is sacred. Death is sacred. Life is as sacred as death, death is as sacred as life.

We have different forms of celebrations and initiations when life comes to us or into a family or in a community, or when life continues from one phase to another ~ we have baptism, we have graduation, we have birthdays ~ one can partake of these rites of passage whether they are aware or not; family members, friends and acquaintances, maybe aware or not, are partaking of the communal rites of passage by just being a guest or greeting the person who is being celebrated. And in those instances of interaction, we are actually participating in the wondrous powerful magic of human-ness of togetherness, that invisible power that actually pushes us forward to face life in each various stages and phases. Though, with the modern times and its twisted way of valuing things and events and humanity, sadly that power of getting together, the magic of it, is lost in many of us. Thus, there is death of power in those magical moments because so very few of us gets to value it. And in failing to value it, the power that is supposed to help us tide over the next phase in life was never touched, was never given ample nurturing, was never 'watered' by the ever flowing purity in our world, so many of us will complain how come we don't have the energy for the next phases, we don't have the proper tools to face the challenges, we don't have the proper state of mind to figure out our situation, the cycle goes on and on, until someday maybe in their older days, some people will just be merely existing, life drained out of them. The very spark of spirit and will that life has bestowed on us, got lost in the cycle, we never truly learned to resurrect the life force within us. Hence, death happened inside of us ~ death of dream, death of optimism, death in various forms ~ death which never got a proper burial, it is like moving on in the next level, with many unfinished challenges, but never truly giving time to solving the puzzle. Many people then goes on to the next level or phase of their lives incomplete or bringing too many baggage (which were supposed to 'die' in the previous phase) or both.

This is sad. A very sad reality.

On death

There are so many blessings bestowed by death on us. It takes away what we don't need. Its way is painful, of course. Its way will never be revealed to those whose state of mind is biased to the ways of life because death has a philosophy of its own. But to fully embrace death, we must welcome it with open arms and open mind ~ to me it is a very strict teacher, always looking from the shadows, checking my every move. It is the soft velvety figure hugging the walls of my dark bedroom at night, always alert, always observing, always clockwork. Is it going to surprise you if I tell you that since I was a little girl, I know death is always near me when the sky turns dark, and even in my young mind, I know I was never alone at night. I know because death always lurks in the shadows, the space that the rays of my tiny lamp couldn't reach. I know death is a man. I had many times my mom would coax me to stop thinking over 'death' at night or talk about 'the dark shadow' at night maybe because she is afraid of what I said. It is weird I know. But I never felt alone at night because death is as dense as the dark of night.

We used to use mosquito net at night when I was a little girl and my mom would tirelessly put it on when we were about to sleep. For some reason, in my mind, death couldn't enter the mosquito net, so he will just hover on top of my mosquito net covered body at night sitting weightless on the mosquito net top, quietly as always. I know he looks at me when I sleep and I know he observes all of my sleep movements. 

I am sure anybody would be scared if I tell them this secret of mine, haha, I know I am weird.

There were many nights when death is just quietly lurking, but there were also nights of terror. When that happens, I would wake up in the middle of the night and pray and stay quiet ~ somehow death or the dark shadowy figure will be appeased. But there were nights when it would become unbearable to sleep because of stirring in the dark, so I just put on some spiritual music ~ then I fall asleep again, not knowing how 'death' felt.

Anyways, I know I am weird.

However, I want to let you know my dear readers, that even in knowing death or the dark shadow figure from my childhood, it doesn't mean that I am immune to the sudden surprises or turns that death can inflict on me. Knowing death doesn't mean I am free from the terrors and pains that it can throw at me.

In my life right now, I am facing a difficult kind of 'death' ~ a death of a phase of life that I treasure a lot. It is actually a deep wound. I couldn't get around this idea thoroughly. I couldn't adjust to it yet, but dying on this phase of life is actually happening. Isn't this a very exquisite paradox ~ I am living my life yet I am dying in my phase of life. Like a stick burning on both ends.

Or maybe it is tragic.

The point is: living and dying are both inside of us, both happening at the same time. 

I am not sure if I am making any sense.

But as I said, we need a proper burial in each of the stages where we 'die' ~ we call it rite of passage in life. 

Death giving life value

In learning more and more about death, I could say I am overwhelmed by its own kind of philosophy. Death will use people and situation and events to rid of us of the life phases that we need to leave behind. It has a different definition of abuse, misuse of power, authority, security/insecurity polarity, and other stuff we value differently in philosophy of life.

Interesting that this kind of death philosophy is strong in some people I know, I even call them those who are living in dying ~ the masters of wielding 'death' power, those who can command 'death' of phase in life of some people around them, these people are simply 'Hades' kind. There are many of them. It becomes a second nature in them, in some instances, it is their basic nature ~ the philosophy of death and they have a very strong hold of death power over others ~ I feel a bit merciful to those who don't understand this kind of 'death' power in these kinds of people, because it really is a difficult kind of 'dark arts' only very few people can accept those kinds of 'teachings' from these Hades kinds.

Even I who pretend to know a little of bit of this dark power feel so wronged most of the time when I interact with these Hades kinds because they make me feel so helpless, weak and powerless. It takes time to understand them, only if you really genuinely want to understand them at all. It is just in my life right now, must be my blessing or curse to be around lots of Hades kinds, I feel like I have so many teachers teaching me different kinds of deaths all at the same time ~ that I feel like hey, I am living. I want life and I want to live, but I know their lessons are seriously valuable in this day and age.

Of course I get so exhausted. I wanted to run and I wanted escape. I wanted space and freedom from these lessons, but always the dark shadowy figure will fetch me (abduct me again and again) to learn and to keep on learning.

Ambivalence and accepting the natural flow of life

I know I will never be in one world, because I know that both life and death resides in me. I am forever travelling between the two worlds, that's why I always catch the shadowy figures in my gaze, no matter what time it is, morning, noon or night. Sometimes the two worlds are leaking into each other, that's one of the most emotional time of my life ~ it is like being underwater. I couldn't breathe, I just need to swim deeper and deeper until I find a solid place to rest.

Don't get me wrong, the Hades kinds' lessons I am learning are really dark ones. So dark that I know not many people will touch on these dark topics, most of them will pretend not to hear about it or just forget these kinds of darkness exist. Bless their soul, they must be living in the surface, less problems less things to think about. But mine is something of a dark lesson, I am pushed to the bottom and getting pushed down deeper, because in fact it is bottomless, dark nightmares, dark thoughts, dark ideas ~ but one is bound to study and learn them if one would like to be a healer or if one would be fated to walk upon two worlds, it is not a choice, it is imperative.

Anyways, here's to life and here's to death. May we all be given both in right amounts.

A turtle in my planner

Oh beautiful turtle, can i stay inside your shelter?