Interchange #11

While I have a busy schedule today, I find myself drawn again and again to Gustavo. The question in my mind is, when does the orchestra become a visual aesthetic and not just an auditory exultation? I think I may have an answer to that, it is when the orchestra is conducted by Gustavo Dudamel.

Reason #1. Look, actually watch, not just listen to this piece Bolero, conducted by Mr. Dudamel. Don't you feel it? He absorbs each instrument's sound/music, but he doesn't keep them, he gives it back to the orchestra (and to the world) a hundredfold. It is like he calls on each soul of the musician not just to produce a cold unfeeling sound, each musician must infuse it with their soul. Can you see it? He asks, but he gives, a hundredfold. If you don't have a soul, he will make sure to give you and you will know you have received it. 

Reason #2. He is electrifying. Be it small movements, big dramatic movements, in betweens. He moves and you know he moves with soul. He knows too well the little parts and he intimately reveals the large chunks of the orchestra. Nothing escapes him. And he makes sure that the small will spark the big ones. The big ones, will eventually fade into a small quiet tune. And the cycle repeats again and again. He is really a sight to behold.

Reason #3. When he moves his hands, music comes to it. Sometimes smoothly, sometimes ruggedly, different textures, different lengths, different tempo. The drama is being played by him, he leads, but he doesn't hog the spotlight, he gives it back. And the orchestra adores its faithful leader. A very interesting relationship dynamic, he doesn't just count the time, he counts the soul of each musical instrument, he weighs the soul of each musician until everyone gets to feel his touch, and then as the music peaks, he gives them their own release. A very beautiful harmony, like a tidal wave of a collective unity.

Reason #4. His hair. His hair tells a different story but of course it is part of the guy. In the quiet but measured movement of his head, his hair follows. And the hair tells a story that he is a mad genius. An eccentric combination of smooth moves and jagged jerks of the body. 

There, that's it. The genius conductor, Mr Gustavo Dudamel. Watch him and you will be inspired.

Today is a busy day...

Today is a busy day because there are a lot of students/clients who are contacting me left and right. It is a bit exhausting but it is good for the business. I badly need to save up to fix my laptop.

Today is a busy day because I have to put up a wall scheduler where I can confirm my available spots for a possible student.

Today is a busy day because I have to fill in my scheduler with different time requests of students. It was easier when I have a limited number of student, but because of influx of students since yesterday, I have to be on top of the game by efficiently marking each of them right after the initial talk.

Today is a busy day because there are schedules that I have to draw up for initial interview. These interviews will help me assess the capacity of the student. It will help me in book recommendation and in drawing up a study program for them.

Today is a busy day because I finished eight reports. Those are a combination of weekly assessment, attendance and class report and initial assessment report.

Today is a busy day because I have to make programs for each of these new students. I like making a program for students because it is the bloodline of the whole class sessions. It is where I can measure their progress and where I can revise when I think that the student is a bit slower than my initial assessment or the other way around where the student proves to be more savvy than previously assumed. It is one of the downsides of initial assessment, students are stressed so they don't perform 100%, but once they feel relaxed, that's where their true ability comes out. 

Today is a busy day because I have as much as 1,000 things running in my head but I still have to be sane and on top of this. Although, because of the time of the month, I am running a little fever and not feeling 100% over all. Argh, why do women have to slave under hormonal changes in a month cycle? I am not just talking about days, it could last weeks, and sometimes it can be as long as the entire month cycle. It is waaaay crazy.

Today is a busy day and I expect myself to deliver, but I am so cranky and I am terribly irritable. #don'tcomenearme #notafunMondayattitude #manicMonday

Today is a busy day, and I was so close to giving my new student a very bad in your face attitude, because she was behaving in an unbecoming of a student way, I asked her a question but she was just ignoring me, I repeated my question for 10 times but she just stared at me, and it kept on happening for fifteen minutes. But fortunately I stopped myself because she is young and I am a responsible and kind teacher, deep deep sigh!

Oh well.

Today is a busy day, but I have a cracking voice, my nose is runny, my throat is itchy and I have been sneezing, feels like I am suffering from an allergic reaction. I feel like it is an allergic reaction to stress.

Today is a busy day and I have to go back to work.

End of post.

Interchange #10

Have been feeling so down and heavy, that's why my playlist is just an unending loop of this jewel of an orchestra with their rendition of no other than this timeless classic.

Speak Softly Love

I feel your words
The tender trembling moments start
We're in a world, our very own

Interchange #9

Love this version!

A dissolution

As we have now entered the sixth month of quarantine measures, I must say that I am getting so used to my new routine in the house. I wake up early, I had to do house chores, do online stuff, help parents, conduct classes, and then some hobbies here and there offline, which actually helps in keeping the sanity; I do them over and over again, day after day. To some it might be boring but for me, that's called structure. 

As we collectively and bravely step into the uncharted course of this new world, I often find myself looking back at my daily diary log, from last year up until the start of quarantine. Not sure what I am looking for, but I am definitely looking for something that may help shine some light of inspiration to this dark uncharted path. Definitely last year was unprecedented, definitely last year was one of the biggest upheavals in my life. But actually, thinking back, it was not something sudden, it was something slow in the making and eventually last year was the year where it catapulted. 

Though it was slow in the build-up, it is still change, hence it is still painful. In comparison, there were moments in my life when changes are sudden, and of course those are solid core-deep painful changes. Like failing an interview for a job position that I desire, or not getting the subject in the school program that I know will help me with my studies. 

I have this weird relationship with change, I abhor it but sometimes I terribly need it. I couldn't fully function when I know something has already used up its functionality and that it is time for it to leave or to be cast away, but it is still there in my own sphere. If it happens I cut it heartlessly, no thinking twice, not even a blink. So I am also capable of swift sudden changes without pain. 

Feels like I am not making sense at all.

Maybe I want to talk about so many changes in my life and in my relationships. Like letting go of some people, maybe by talking about it I can understand it more. It would be easier to digest. 

It is because in my life, I have learned that people are not just people. They represent a part of me, they are the other half of the goal-shared, they are the other half of the planning, dreaming and scheming. So when they leave, it is like these plans just vanished along with them. It is like a room that I couldn't visit anymore because its door has permanently shut. It's heartbreaking because I grew to love that room and I even designed some corners of it, but now I couldn't even get a glimpse of it. See, change is painful. But I can talk about it now because I expected it and I know eventually it will happen, but I am not prepared for the residual pain. 

It hurts.

Maybe it will hurt some more in the next few days or months. 

But it is done.

All that's left is pain and failures and unrealized dreams.

I knew all along it was not meant to be, but it still hurts.

No matter how prepared we are logically and practically, there will always be that part that we can't control.

I know it is for the best of everyone, for the best of each one involved.

I remember days ago, I was watching this live broadcast of ABBA in 1979, releasing their new single The winner takes it all, Agnetha was asked to sing in front of the camera just days after her divorce with Bjorn. Of course Agnetha in her graceful way performed and delivered with such dignified class. There were short glances at Bjorn while she belted out some poignant lines in the song. Note: Bjorn wrote this song during the couples' falling out in their marriage. Up to this day, I don't know how Agnetha handled that kind of trauma, dramatizing her marriage story in front of millions of TV audience while her ex-husband was innocently playing the guitar beside her. Their marriage produced two kids and just a week after divorce, Bjorn reportedly went out with his new girlfriend. What a guy!

Just looking at Agnetha's eyes while performing, my tears welled up. Looked like she was fighting the tears while bringing a solid message through the song, that there is life after the dissolution of something that used to be wonderful. Something that used to define her. Something that used to be the world to her and perhaps her ex-husband. 

Yes, that's what I was looking for. A dissolution of a world. It used to be there, but now it is nowhere. It is just dust. Just an empty space. 

How does one survive a dissolution of a world?

Denial?

Diving into work?

How can one survive when so many layers of personality was deeply ingrained in that now-defunct world?

Build a new personality?

Build a new life?

Assume a new identity?

Maybe there will be more questions in the next few days, in the next few months, but in the mean time, I just want to watch Agnetha sing that song again.

Interchange #8

Haaai, bakit nga ba ganyan?!

Found this nice rendition of this song.

Masayang mag-reflect tuwing umuulan

Still, asking myself, bakit nga baaaaaaaa?

A rather busy Monday

Such a busy day today in our house. It is not always like this on Mondays since the lockdown, but today seems like a normal busy Monday before lockdown era. It started with me doing a document report for my students, and then parents' breakfast, then mom has a webinar with her workmates, where I should be on standby because she needs a lot of technical assistance, then of course in between, I have to squeeze in house chores. Then after the webinar, my tito came over to bring some stuff we left in our old house, a pile of boxes with lots of books and some Christmas decors. Some of the things look so familiar, and of course one of it was my old envelope filer, there were some old UP stuff inside. What's exciting was finally I located one of my thesis hardbound copy! I was thinking about it months ago because I already have my teaching portfolio in a hardbound copy, it needs to be put next to my UP undergrad thesis hardbound copy but I seem to have lost it somewhere. And today it resurfaced! Amazing!

Aside from my hardbound thesis, I also found some classcards from my UP classes. Haha, my grades were high in these classcards, and I am proud of them. I really had a hard time getting high grades during college because honestly the subjects were difficult. Argh, but I remember being a consistent college scholar and there was a time I was a university scholar too. You will only get that high standing when your total semester average is less than 1.5 or 1.75. But actually I forgot now if those were the correct GWA (general weighted average) for college/university scholar. In our university, 1 is the highest grade and 5 would be the dreaded grade you would like to get from a prof, while 3 would mean that you really did your best, but well not enough to get a dos, but your dignity is still intact, but I am not sure about sanity though.

When I checked these classcards, these were from the classes I loved the most. My professors who gave the grades were Prof Marra Lanot, Prof Nick Tiongson and Prof Joseph Fortin. There are many details in the classcards that will give away what subject and what year the subject was taken and of course, the most important number in any isko or iska, the student number. Upon being admitted to the university, you have to memorize your student number, it is your code, it is your life blood, it is your identity. The first four numbers would be the year you started studying in the university.

Well, after looking at these classcards, I became busy again because I had to help my mom with her phone as there was a council of the elders video call (mom and her sisters.) Funny how the pandemic is shaping our family communication. Anyways, have to wrap up because of many other Monday things to be accomplished. 

End of post.

Interchange #7

So, I have been resting the whole day because I got so tired from my tasks yesterday. But now, I am wide awake, so I am using my energy and time to do some written report for students. I really have to push myself to finish these things because the work is now piling up.

While pulling an all-nighter tonight, I am accompanied by this beautiful song by The Beatles. Of course, I love this group. Love them from the time I learned that John dated an Asian lady, (we love you Yoko!) and she became the love of his life until his last breath. 

My favorite Beatle would be George Harrison. He seems very calm, easygoing and serene. I love his songs too especially While My Guitar Gently Weeps. His letters are deep and sensitive and the rhythm, it doesn't age at all. It is definitely a classic.

But the song that I have been listening to all night is this one. It's an intense song about someone not leaving the author alone backed with a very sexy pleading voice, who could leave someone that lovely?!

Checklist for the 2/3 of 2020

(1) Lately, it seems like there is an ongoing endless disconnect from what was familiar before and a very interesting dynamic but complicated attempt to connect to new objects/people/situations in my sphere of existence.  

(2) I must say August's word of the month is death

(3) It feels like we need to empty ourselves more and more before we can start building/creating again

(4) I am learning to adjust to my new normal in (a) technology (b) schedule (c) way of thinking (d) emotions (e) general way of life, day by day, little by little, step by step. 

(5) Today more than ever, time becomes more and more important to me. I am starting to view it in a different perspective, in different measure and in different texture. Maybe the rhythm of time is changing too or maybe I am seeing it in a new light. But the rhythm is surely there, we just need to patiently observe it and understand its pattern. 

(6) I wish that we have reached the rock bottom of this pandemic and that we are now starting to move upward, but we still need to be vigilant and sensitive of our environment. 

(7) Let's always be grateful, mindful and when we know that we need to act on something, just do it!

#mondayagain