Everything's fine*

This is very enlightening. If you have time please watch this --->

The power of vulnerability | Brene Brown

A little bit of high school music to lighten up the mood, mmm, well not really. It is actually a rebellious song and for some reason it was playing in my head all night. Must be the mood again getting to me :( Well, anyways, it is still good music. I love it. Enjoy.

*Mother mother | Tracy Bonham

My music filled life

Friday morning, I was feeling so down, I woke up around 5 in the morning. Alex, my housemate, did not sleep at all, she was doing her video editing project. She looked frustrated as she stared at her laptop screen, I felt the need to ask if she needs help and she said, "Yes Ate, i need help with imovie," that line changed the course of my entire day.

I hanged out with her the whole morning, we talked, we laughed, we shared pictures, we looked at adorable little kittens, rabbits, pandas and penguins, we lied on her bed as we wait for the movie to finish exporting, we listened to music, we babbled about boys, girls, everything in between, we had a great morning. She even recommended a song for me and Masa: Jetlagged <3 sweet!

Humming: Make me your radio, turn me up when you feel low (ang sexy ni Adam, syet!) i am so in love with this song . . .


Anyways, so come lunch time, I met with Masa. Then we watched Japanese movie at Cine Adarna and met up with Romina for dinner (she watched the film too).

Then after dinner, Masa needed to go home. Romina and I decided to have tea. And the BIG REVELATION NIGHT happened.

I cannot write here all those exchanges that happened between us, let's just say every single word is very confidential. Compared to morning's conversation with Alex, that one was Girl Talk but this one the after-dinner talk, with Romina my best friend, was Ladies' Talk.

Whereas Alex and I just talked about the interesting specie called 'boys', Romina and I talked about 'Men'!!!
And the perpetual head aches, heart aches and tummy aches they give us (Romina downed two beer bottles right away when in normal nights she cannot even finish a bottle of beer because she does not like the taste of it. Look guys, how you turn our worlds around, so a little sympathy please:)

It is sad that I cannot give details because it involves intimate intimate situations, confidential characters and yes, events that make up our fantasies, not to mention our deepest secret selves that we would not otherwise share with another living soul. Am thinking if it's the tea, the booze, the stars, the moon, the noise of moonleaf or sarah's that led us to this very intimate topic, but just it happened. Am thankful for this weird release though, I feel like supplying wealth of information to my most cherished friend.

One thing I discovered, reliving of memories can be very painful even when the topic is about something fun, (well, maybe especially when the topic is about something fun) some memories will just stay memories because some people are out of our lives already. Shedding a tear or two will not make the pain go away, sigh. I miss the old times. But I am happy that it happened. I love my life right now too. I love Masa and I love my friends, my housemates, my family, my student life. Well, we must move forward and appreciate all the things life is giving us. I have faith in life. I know that everything happens for a reason. And with that i want to end this post with these lines from a song:


I hope life treats you kind and I hope you've got all you dreamed of
And I am wishing you joy and happiness 
But above all this I'm wishing you love

Thanks Romina for a very wonderful revelation night. Cheers to life.

One very wonderful afternoon

Febbie, Ronald and Masa, ang cute nila hahaha!!!

New Moon Blues

Spent the whole day under this dragging tantrum that I want to just shut my eyes and just be alone inside my rabbit hole, but the positive side is I got to spend it with someone very special :)
Well, let's just say I had a very very very bad tantrum that I don't want to socialize at all, so I instead hid beneath someone very special's shadows. I mean I just really let go of all the plans I have for the day and just be. Apologies, my thoughts are still incoherent and I am not really making sense at all, anyhow, here are some of the soundbites that I really want to share.

1. Me: I am so sad. It's like I am so isolated and nobody understands me.
    Someone very special: Mmm, kelangan siguro may stories akong ikwento para mawala yung ganyang     feeling. Ganto, kunyari nagsusuroy-suroy ka . . .
    Me: (Cannot stop myself from interrupting) WAIT, ano daw?!

2. Learning Japanese speak:
    Burger (While at Greens)
    Future (While walking to Pan de Manila)
    SM (While eating at Bodhi)

3. Naaliw talaga siya sa phrase na ito: Infinite na sabaw! ^^;

4. Kapag kasi kumain si Masa parang nava-validate yung kasarapan ng pagkain, for example dinala ko siya sa Goldilocks para tumikin ng egg pie. Conclusion: Masarap ang egg pie :)

FYI: 10 Million yen ang cost ng pag-raise ng anak from birth to University years sa Tokyo, wow man! Investment pala magkaanak ngayon. Siguraduhing maganda ang genes at compatible kayo as parents ^^

I long to be near the beach again.
Oh, waves, be kind to me.

So far this week . . .

1. Watched Shrek 4 and Howl's Moving Castle at Parent's house.
2. Spent at least 20 hours with Mr. Cookie <3

3. Updated my diary.
4. Stayed at Main Lib, Asian Lib and CAL Lib.
5. And right now, just waiting for new moon to come ^^

An almost ending liminal stage

Liminal stage (adj) neither here nor there; transitional stage; being an intermediate state.

Words are hard to capture lately. I was thinking of writing last night, but ideas remained elusive. Well, maybe I will just concentrate on this piece of wisdom taught to us by my good Anthropology professor. We are in a point in our lives called the liminal stage. It is the place where we are neither here nor there. For example, we are studying now (in the University) to hone our skills to be effective workers/professionals in our chosen fields. The challenges given us during this liminal stage is always task-oriented. We need to study for the exam, write papers, do our reports, projects, etc. We are given these tasks to polish the remaining rough-edges in our talents, skills, knowledge and abilities, then one day, after the last marble was smooth out, when the last page of the book was turned, when the last word was written and when the last tear was cried, a door will open for us. Huge, big and bright, inviting us to the future where we will build the dreams and hopes we carried deep in our hearts. I do hope that when we finally reach that stage, we have the capacity for compassion and love to help serve the people around us. It is my prayer that we commit our talents to help save the earth. May we be light bringers!

I want to post a portion of a poem introduced to me by Masa yesterday, it's a poem about women by Marra PL Lanot. Masa liked this poem and actually I liked it too. Prof Lanot was my professor in Film and Literature subject. She is amazing!!

Babae Kami | Marra PL Lanot

"Babae kami 
Nagluluwal ng sanggol 
Na tagapagmana ng mundo 
Marunong kaming umaninag 
Ng hugis ng araw at gabi 
Marunong maghimay 
Ng kulay ng bahaghari 
Marunong sumalo 
Sa kaluluwang babagsak 
Marunong magmahal 
Sa pusong maalalahanin 
Marunong lumaban 
At magwasto ng baligtad 
Habang naghahardin 
Sa ikagaganda ng daigdig." 


Masa's favorite line: Marunong maghimay
                                  Ng kulay ng bahaghari

I got to thinking, how can one fully appreciate poetry when they speak another language? Then I realise, it's like us appreciating ee cummings or pablo neruda . . . Mmm, anyways, I want to post the whole poem but I have yet to get a copy of the book from library. Ah, I really like this poem, especially the line:

 Marunong sumalo   

 Sa kaluluwang babagsak  

. . . saludo ako kay Prof Marra. Salamat po sa magandang tulang ito.

The truth of the moment version 2

I dedicate myself to research.

Maligayang Araw ng mga Puso

Independence day | Barbie's cradle


If you disagree, I'd choose you over me
This way I'd keep the peace
Keep me inside, don't turn off the light
‘Cause without you how can I breathe

Independence day is not for me
When I'm bound to you I feel so free

Pretend that I'm a deer, travelling any year
I need you desperately
Night and day I roam you need to take me home
‘Cause on my own I can't see, yeah

Independence day is not for me
When I'm bound to you I feel so free
Independence day is not for me
When I'm bound to you I feel so free

Here are all my keys, enter as you please
North, south, west, center, east
Teach me not to hide in the deadly walls of pride
Speak to me gently

Independence day is not for me
When I'm bound to you I feel so free
Independence day is not for me
When I'm bound to you I feel so free 

To reaffirm love

“When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth...... 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. 

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself." 

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.” 
― Kahlil Gibran, Le Prophète

This post is for my best friend Romina

You are around quite long and our friendship is growing stronger every single day. Thanks for letting me vent out, cry, be a mess in front of you, be me, laugh my heart out, for grossing you out sometimes, for letting me be the real crazy me, for lending a sympathetic ear when I detail my epic failures, for not judging me at all even though I can be so impulsive and foolish all the time, for putting up with me during my tantrum days and nights, for answering calls in the middle of the night, for replying when I told you there's an emergency, for staying with me no matter how unpredictable I can be, for being brutally honest about my flaws, for staying awake during a late night call although we just parted, for being there in the best moments, for being there in the lowest moments, for lending me books, for eating the food I cooked, for replying to my snail mails, for letting me cry my heart out after a difficult moving out process, for listening to my rages, for patiently waiting for me when I ran late, for riding planes with me, for pointing out the solutions when I get lost, for early morning messages, for reading my blog, for making me read your blog, for stories, for pictures in Palawan and Boracay and for so many millions of other things. Maraming salamat.

While waiting for plane bound for Manila from Caticlan Airport.

Inside plane bound for Kalibo.

Puerto Princesa, Palawan Airport.

Palawan night out.

The truth of the moment

I am committed to RESEARCH.

Reality is sleeping

The lessons are like waves after waves, so hard to make them concrete inside my head, they just appear, made themselves clear and known and noted, and then I will feel so appalled and then if I check back they’re no more. They are fleeting, but true, at least for a fraction of a second.

So hurting is like that for me right now. Fraction of a second, they appear then they’re gone. Hard to hold on to them, my analytic self is really frustrated, for wanting to stand on a solid ground of realisation and conclusion, I was instead left with fleeting images, fleeting realisations, fleeting truths and fleeting guilt. Life is so ungraspable, up to the last fraction of a second.

As of now, the only truth is music and poetry and rhythm. I don’t believe in anything anymore. Reality is sleeping. And it makes me so uneasy. I still believe in my Master because she alone can blend some realities and some dreams/teachings/theories. Truth is hard to come by, truth is fleeting, truth is hiding from us, we are instead left with illusions and in the dark. I pray for the glimpse of truth in this great big darkness all around us. It is a very critical moment for all of us here on earth now. We must give rise to compassion and light and warmth in our hearts, it is our only hope.

This chirping lullaby, brings my little dreams to life, in my sanctuary I become a child. Goodnyt - Barbie Almalbis

Diligently learn. Give all. Be all. Let it be. Just learn. Learn without fail. At the corner, in the near future we will be asked to live our duty – to break what was and build with new love and compassion. Such is life. Such is the utter reality of life. Though I know reality is sleeping right now. It will continue to sleep until we learn to wake it up in our hearts, in our minds, in our souls. We should be alert all the time. It is our duty as we live here on earth. Don’t slumber. Remain awake, remain open minded, remain gentle, remain in love and remain having compassion. It is time to be fully awake.

I am playing with this thought all day:

What is the gift of feminine soul without the complementary gifts of the mysteries of a man’s soul?

~You gain strength, courage and confidence in every experience in which you really stop
to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through
this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. 
You must do the thingyou think you cannot do~
Eleanor Roosevelt

Waiting for the ship that I am going to sail

As my day unfolds, I realize that too much madness is floating around me. I let go of all the notion that my life is in order. It is not. It is crazy, chaotic and yes, it is out of control. I accepted it after hours of battling with myself. My whole world is caught up in a tremendous wave, I can’t help but just be carried away. i keep telling myself that the big bang theory states that the universe is borne out of chaos, of massive explosions, of unimaginable all consuming fire coming from bodies colliding with each other. Yes, the world is really borne out of chaos, and this is what’s happening now at the other side of the fence. Something is being born. It is the positive side of madness. Somewhere in this so huge shake up, a world is getting molded, prepared, sculpted and polished. I imagine this world to be a ship that can sail the vast oceans. And that ship is especially being born for me. Maybe I am the captain that will soon board that ship. The ship that I will command. A captain that is determined and compassionate enough to safely sail the wide seas. Of course, I should train wholeheartedly and willingly to be a responsible captain. So I will treat my challenges now as my ultimate training to be a good ship captain.


Maybe my ship is on the way. It will come ashore soon and I will be the one to take the role of stirring controlling it. In the mean time, I must be diligent in overcoming all the hardships.


Survival is the second law of life, the first is we are all one. ~ Joseph Campbell
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

~ We can't direct the wind but we can adjust the sail ~ 

Full moon taking stock and readjustment (nth time, part of infinite series)

Have been down and out during this full moon phase, that I have conveniently let go of any intentions to clean and organise my things in my dorm. How bad is that? How bad is it that I have been very neglectful of my plans and to do list? What is happening? My Teacher will definitely be wary about it. Am so frustrated, three weeks behind paper works and I need to submit this paper on Thursday. Tell me about being diligent when it is hard to open my eyes in the morning and concentrate on my classes. What the . . . I thought I am diligent and all thanks a lot to my immaturity, welcome to the hell of unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished to do lists. It’s been so long since the last time I was here.  I might stay awhile, though I know I can reverse the situation if I get my act together right away. I need to get out of this place right away.

This is how it works . . . none of them worked home. You prayed you won’t get harmed, but even if it does you will do it all again. (On the radio, Regina Spektor)

Things I learned from the last relationship are what I am practicing now in my present, but I know I have to learn a lot. Apparently, everyone is feeling a little weird this week, or am just hoping am not alone at all. My energy is waning, my ability to concentrate is suffering, my dreams are dissolving and my financial budget is non-existent at all. Thank you very much for stability and security that I’ve dreamt of each and every step of the way. WELCOME TO DISSOLVING VILLE WHERE EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH IS JUST AN ILLUSION.

So what now? Am not sure either, I read in a blog somewhere that I have to work with the energies, not fight them. If the waves took me here, then it must be where I should be. I should stop thinking and wishing for something better. I should start my Compassion Plan where everything is less (because less is more)

COMPASSION PLAN (for everyday lifestyle) SELF and OTHERS

1. Wake up 4:30am to plan, pray and write my dreams and to do list for the day.

2. Be 80% full every meal time.

3. Practice tolerance without fail, every single moment.

4. Sleep around 12 midnight. Write what I fulfilled and balance it with my original plan*. LEARN ACCEPTANCE. The road to learning acceptance is to learn to accept myself first. Perfection is not attainable, we can try though, but keeping close to the path of life that I chose is more important now.

*Be happy if one plan was accomplished. Two is excellent. Three is too much.

**The key is to edit every single day. Edit without fail. Try without fail. Recognise wisdom. Learn humility every single moment. BE MINDFUL EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

I need structure right now, but am sure it’s not the most solid of structures if I start building now. Things need to be reviewed, revised, reassessed and reconsidered. Writing is editing as said by my good teacher, Armando Lao, as with life, we have to keep on living and learning. Learning is the editing part, very difficult, we must be diligent. We must keep learning, slow and steady to integrate the knowledge. Keep faith. Keep on writing. Keep on living. Keep on trying every single moment. And if in case what happens is the opposite of what I dreamt of and planned for, I have plenty of space for adjustments. After all I am a student of life; I have my whole lifetime to learn.

Praying for inner peace

These two loving pandas keep running in my mind all day. Affection is the great medicine in this lonely and difficult time. Here are some kind words from the Dalai Lama about relationships.

“The way to change others' minds is with affection, and not anger.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“Compassion is the radicalism of our time.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“Because we all share this planet earth, we have to learn to live in harmony and peace with each other and with nature. This is not just a dream, but a necessity.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“Inner peace is the key: if you have inner peace, the external problems do not affect your deep sense of peace and tranquility...without this inner peace, no matter how comfortable your life is materially, you may still be worried, disturbed, or unhappy because of circumstances.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“Hard times build determination and inner strength. Through them we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger. Instead of getting angry nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“Look at children. Of course they may quarrel, but generally speaking they do not harbor ill feelings as much or as long as adults do. Most adults have the advantage of education over children, but what is the use of an education if they show a big smile while hiding negative feelings deep inside? Children don’t usually act in such a manner. If they feel angry with someone, they express it, and then it is finished. They can still play with that person the following day.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Tonight is a sad night

The first five lines of this song made me sane and grounded today though. Thanks Smashing Pumpkins. Leaving a piece of youth, is like leaving what's familiar, what's safe, what's stable. And to be scared is the least of what one will feel. My life is changing. Fast. Furious. Yes. Very much. It's like the past is disappearing, mmm, fading. And i cannot do anything about it. It just is. I cannot dwell too much, else I'll be breaking down in tears. 

So, I console myself by listening to this wonderful song. I guess it never hurts to liken this hurting to transition from youth to adulthood. It's very painful. But I believe it has a higher reason. Faith is the key to all of these. Faith heals the weary soul. It sparks hope and starts the process of recuperation. My body needs to heal. My heart needs to heal. My soul needs to heal. Tonight, I will shower myself with love and attention from my family. I will try to heal myself with their nurturing and care. I believe have come to the right place. Time to heal and rest my tired soul. So everyone, I hope you keep faith in your heart, it is the light that will guide us through the dark times.

TONIGHT TONIGHT
Smashing Pumpkins


Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight

A letter to my old self

An old diary entry.

Dear Old Self,

Alam kong malaki at malawak ang struggle mo bilang 'old self' andyan yung high school, andyan yung family pressure, andyan yung college life -- fitting in, wanting to do your best everytime, to make and keep friends -- mga usual issues ng buhay mo. Saksi ako sa lahat ng nangyari sa iyo, sa mga pinagdaanan mo sa college, worry sa mga subject, learning to do financial budgetting, sa pa-iba-ibang bahay, sa lolo na may sakit, sa thesis, sa first love, sa first heartbreak, sa mga frustrations at pagkilala sa limitations mo bilang tao, wag ka mag-alala, kasama mo ako sa mga parteng mahirap sa buhay mo.
Ngayon eto na yung last goodbye ko sa iyo. Kasi masyado na matagal ang nilagi mo sa unconscious part ng buhay at utak ko. Kailangan mo nang umalis at magpaalam dahil you ran your course na and you fulfilled your time na. Medyo matagal ang inilagi mo sa buhay ko at medyo may ilan pang parte na dapat isara sa iyo -- para tuluyan akong lumaya. Masasabi kong malaki ang naiambag mo sa pagkatao ko ngayon pero hanggang doon na lang iyon -- hindi ka na makakapagdikta sa mga gagawin ko sa buhay simula ngayon dahil lumipas na ang oras mo. Magpahinga ka na.
Ayon naman sa thesis na ginawa mo, sobrang lalim ng pinanggalingan mo old self -- sobrang depressive at mabigat. Pero wag kang mag-alala naiintindihan kita. Alam kong mumultuhin mo na naman ako sa konsensya at panaginip ko, pero hanggang ganoon ka na lang -- multo ka na lang -- walang kakayahang makaramdam at makapagdesisyon. Malalim ka 'old self' at alam kong gusto mong gumawa ng 'impression' -- actually magaling ka, saludo ako sa iyo, honest, deep and pure. Pero kahit alam nating ganoon ka kagaling, may kakulangan ka pa rin -- ang iyong kakayahang makipagkomunikasyon -- natutunan ko iyan habang binubuo ko ang bagong sarili sa ilalim ng aking Buddhist Master. Tinuruan niya akong masaktan, magpahayag ng nararamdaman, magmahal at maging compassionate.
May malalim man akong sugat, mayroon din naman akong mataas na hangaring makatulong at magbigay ng matatag na pag-ibig sa mga tao. Marami pa akong matututunan bilang bagong Joyce -- pero mas gusto ko munang pasalamatan ka, 'old self' dahil sa mga tinuro mo sa aking wisdom at experiences. Dahil sa iyo, alam ko na ang halaga ng pag-ibig, pag-alaga sa kaibigan, katrabaho, kaklase at kapartner. Dahil sa iyo pinapahalagahan ko ng mabuti ang oras, dahil sa iyo, nakilala ko ang aking Dakilang Guro -- ang pinakamahalaga mong regalo sa akin. Kahit sobrang lalim ng kalungkutan mo, mataas naman ang idinulot mong kaligayahan sa disiplinang dinisenyo mo na ipinagpapatuloy ko ngayon sa aking buhay.
Alam nating ang limitasyon mo sa pagpapahayag ng sarili ang naging malaking problema sa pagfulfill ng mga obligasyon mo sa academics. Hindi man ako kasing galing mo sa paglikha, hayaan mong maging tulay ako at ang aking mga salita para mas maintindihan ng ibang tao ang gusto mong iparating sa kanila. Marahil ang maturity na hinihintay mo dati ay hindi talaga para sa iyo, dumating ito sa panahon ng new self, sa panahon ko, kaya ako na lamang ang magpapatuloy ng iyong mga mahahalagang legacy.
Paalam na ito. Mahal kita. Magkaiba man tayo ng pupuntahan, bibisitahin pa rin kita sa aking panaginip at pag-iisa. Parte ka ng buhay ko. Mananatili ka sa aking alaala. Ito ay pamamaalam, selebrasyon at paglaya mula sa mga pagkagapos na nirupok na nang panahon. Para sa iyo 'old self', salamat at paalam.