So as I unpack my boxes, and initially arrange some of the
stuff in my room, surprisingly so, some things that belong to the past
resurfaced. It actually is expected in situations like this. Yup, objects dear to us hold a lot of sentimental value and it reminds us of who we were in a particular point in time, not unlike how Voldemort hid his soul in some of his treasured objects.
I mean I don't have the magic spell to hide my soul in some of the objects that I will feature in this series of blog posts, but they do hold precious memories. Sometimes, these objects may remind me of the people who gave it, the intent behind it, or the emotions connected with it, it could go as far as the sketch of the moment as I picture it in my mind, the framed second - like a photograph in my mind's eye. But all in all, this series is to actually help me remember the past, as the floodgates of memory just kept on pouring and pouring, that I feel so lost in my tiny cabin cruiser in the middle of the ocean.
Actually before I go on about the sentimental value, the memory, the emotions behind the featured object, I would like to open up about the immense-ness of being lost in the ocean. In truth, I cannot capture the experience in words, but maybe in form of question, have you ever been so lost and flooded by deep, wave-y waters, that when you try to look into a big picture to map yourself or your coordinates, you are so tiny that you look like a tiny bubble or tiny dot in the humongous consuming ocean? Have you ever fallen deep into the water, not because you intend to dive, but just because you are clumsy or you lost consciousness, thus you accidentally tripped over the ledge or edge of bridge or boat? Have you ever seen the edge of the surf and imagined that the ocean is going to devour you deep into its bottom in the middle of nowhere, but instead of losing consciousness, you are aware of your situation, of your fear and of your anxiety?
I am not sure if I am making any sense but this is something that I sense I have been going through for the past year, it is like swimming and sinking on the dry ground because the ocean comes and fills up the solid earth that I am standing in, within just a fraction of a second.
Let me tell you my answer: This experience is terribly, terribly exhausting.
Imagine going through the same situation every single day.
My mind refuses to go through the same experience consciously, which is a good thing because it means that I can still control when to let the waters in or when not to, but I know I am running out of time, because somehow I know that someday, I will not be able to control when the consuming waters will come in, that's the scary part.
No wonder I am tired to the bones every single day.
But there is a gift in the middle of this, I am more intuitive, I am more connected to the unconscious, I can easily empathize, I can discern and filter more accurately, quickly. I used to believe that it is easy to spot the emotions of other people, just look at their pattern of behavior, then revelation will come ~ it used to take me days or weeks to finally pin down what it is that they need, but now, revelations come so fast, so quick - that I cannot even begin to comprehend why I arrived in the conclusion without even asking or formulating a question.
Just really incomprehensible.
However, my dreams are scarier now than before and more vivid and full of creepy stories. I wake up in the middle of the night with deeper anxieties and more fear than before.
Wow, I have been just writing and writing ~ time flies, now I need to cut this flow of consciousness because I have other pressing matter to attend to.
By the way, full moon weekend is coming up.
