Moods #19

Elesi | Rivermaya

Pag-automatic na ang luha

Moods #18

Di Na Muli | Itchyworms

hanggang sa huli

From my hiding place - catalog 3

Still busily trying to recover from the past months

Little by little, I can see more than a bit of what's in front of me, but after that fraction of a second of 'revelation' it disappears and dissolves

So, that must be the pattern, there are moments of spark, moments of clarity and moments of big picture 

However, just moments

Then, it is gone

Little by little, I can understand more than a bit of what's in front of me, but after that fraction of a second, the epiphany is lost in the void, too far to reach, too volatile to touch

Then again, confusion comes and the mind is trapped trying to untangle the impossible net 

,

little by little, I can feel more than a bit of what's in front of me, but after that fraction of a second, the emotion evaporates, it hides, it doesn't want to be defined

Then I am back in the dark

…

I remember an anecdote that one of my good teachers told me

It was about a wise and affluent elder, living on a hill, near the shore. As he spends quietly his numbered days, he keeps on seeing and watching some people who will wander around the sea, all day and night doing nothing, spending their time getting lost in their desires, fulfilling their blind passions, wasting time, wasting their talents, getting lost in their delusions. One day, as these people continue their aimless and wasteful ways, the elder saw a huge rolling wave, threatening to engulf the shore along with the people around it. In a moment of selfless compassion, he burned down his house, to call the attention of those people who seemed too caught in their cravings and desires in the shore. 

As the huge wave comes near, the fire swallowing the elder's house gets bigger and higher too, catching the attention of the people near the shore. Seeing the fire on the hill, they turned their attention to the dark smoke and the burning house, one by one, they run to the direction of the house, abandoning the shore. Saving themselves in the process.

…

These are all I have for tonight.

But somehow it feels enough.

From my hiding place - catalog 2

“Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

― E.L. Doctorow, Writers At Work: The Paris Review Interviews

Agree, 100% 

In fact, this has been on repeat in my head for a while now

I just changed the word 'writing' into 'living'

It is like a big dark hole enveloped the whole surrounding, and the only view for me is the part in front that the headlight can cast a light on. All around is just utter darkness.

The situation just forces a person to focus on the present, and just to let go of the past and not to worry about those we can't see anymore.

Oh goodness, everybody knows I am a worrier.

But then I have to push myself to overcome that tendency if I want to survive and to reach my goal.

Steady pace. Keep following the headlight.

Focus.

Faith.

From my hiding place - catalog 1

I discovered Reb Fountain

Now I want to write

Her music pushes me to write

Her voice is just perfect for extended stay in the in-between space

Keeping me company in the dark while I catalog each little silly small stuff that I happen to notice

My ink will be stardust

My paper will be the walls and the floor maybe the ceiling too

It is going to be a long long night

The old one closes and the new one begins

It was a relaxing but a difficult weekend at the same time

I finally had a whole day of just staying in the bedroom and not doing anything

Just letting the time pass without feeling so guilty at all

Reminds me of that liminal period after hell week and the start of a new sem, during university days

It was the 'in between days' - time for recuperating, for releasing all those heaviness, and to just be

But what surprised me is that it is now taking longer to recover from the slump than usual

It looks like my age is really catching up with me

But the slump is deeper and vaster than before

It seems like it is just the beginning

It is ominous

Signs of the time to come

.

.

.

.

The future is starting sooner than I expected

If I could only work this life out my way ...

So Far Away | Carole King

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely Nothing else to do but close my mind