Small measures

Sometimes, I just want to be a normal daughter, someone that my mom and dad expected me to be, but then again, I cannot and most importantly I am not. I really believe that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am just really a normal woman/daughter, but for them, I am terribly rebellious. Aside from that, for them I am taking a lot of time to get settled, like any other normal woman should be around this time of their lives. Perhaps they picture me to have my own family where I get to have a husband and children, in my own house having my own career. They have been pushing me before and even until now, but not so much as forceful push as years ago, now, they have the wisdom to just gently ask me about my long-term plans. I used to resent those times when they sit me down for their unsolicited advise, why would they push me into a mold that I am not made to fit? I don't really understand that. 

They must be really just after my own good, but by that principle, don't they realize that they are imposing their own view of life on me? Don't they realize that I have my very own view of life and that I know how I should live it as I see fit. Maybe I sometimes fail to see where they are coming from, but do they even take time to find out where I am coming from?

I have my stubborn streak, yes I know and that's a valid observation. I also realize what having 'own family' means. I see my old classmates settle in their own houses, with their spouse and kids. I sometimes think that's good, they know what they want from life. That's good, they really have the long-term goal set for them in their lives. But it is not how I see my life. It is not what I want in my life. 

However, not wanting to have the 'normal life' doesn't necessarily mean to have no long-term goal. Oh I really beg to disagree because I have a lot of long-term plans in my life. I have goals for the long haul. 

I just really want my parents to see that I am doing fine even if I have different goals in life. That I am a caring and a loving daughter even though I would rather spend more time observing and exploring than settling down. Besides, since I am single I have more time to devote to them, don't they see it? Don't they see the benefit of having me in their house and that I can be wherever they want me to be because I don't have my 'own family' that I may need to prioritize over them. I just hope they appreciate my role for them from time to time because it is also exhausting, but of course, I won't ever give up on them because they are my parents. I know they deserve more from me but I do really try to provide it, even though it may come in small measures.

The best ever

This post is for my laptop, please go in peace, I will terribly miss you 💔

#mondayblues

Love heals

 

Got the image from here: https://twitter.com/neilhimself/status/1143622475424698368

#mondayagain

We owe each other stories

 

These are parts of Sandman volume 8, The World's End. According to the panels above, we honor our dearly beloved who parted by telling stories. I couldn't help but post parts of it, just a sad day for our family today. We lost someone dear. The day started bleakly, and it was quickly followed by tears and heavy crying and it hasn't stopped yet. Maybe it will go on and on for quite a while. I hope my tita will calm down soon, and we hope that we can go to her house and offer physical presence and comfort but because of the situation now, all we can do is offer our love and embrace remotely. 

I am also worried about my parents because they were shocked too, and my brother cried so loudly over the phone too. I haven't heard him cry that loudly filled with deep grieving before. Basically, the hardest part is that we can't be there in person to grieve with them. We can't even offer a mass card. 

But I believe that my tito is in a better place now, a place without pain and suffering. But he will be deeply missed.

Interchange #6

Today while doing some house chore, I heard a song from a beloved band that I haven't heard for a long time. Supertramp! I loved listening to them during college days, well my taste in music is obviously inclined to those classics. I love songs from 70s, they have their own kind of appeal. Their own soul. Of course I also love new songs, but if you will search my music folder, you will find more old songs from 60s, 70s, 80s than 2010s. It is mainly because of Cameron Crowe (Almost Famous) and his films which are usually packaged with great music. Anyways, an entry about Cameron Crowe will need another blog entry.

So let's go back to Supertramp. It was an English band lead by Roger Hodgson together with Rick Davies, both good lyricists and composers. They played for more than a decade, then they disbanded. 

I just really want to share this song actually, so enjoy!

The Logical Song | Supertramp

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
Please tell me who I am

And then I want to throw in this classic gem by Roger Hodgson, when he went solo. Beautiful melody.

Lovers in the Wind | Roger Hodgson

There was a time when it was hard to know
Reaching out, reaching out for somewhere to go
There was a light born on the darkest day

Keep calm and read

No word could describe my past week. It was like I just wanted to be a floating consciousness, times when I don't want to be found, times when I just want to be invisible, times when I just want to escape, but then somehow, I was found and I was put back in my proper place. Although, there was a sliver of survival instinct forming inside me which just screamed at me to run far far away, I know it is too late to do that. I just eventually gave in, anyways I have no energy to resist, not this time. Perhaps next time. Or is it wishful thinking?

So there.

After that, I just spent my days reading. I read and read and read and forgot about myself. There are moments in my life that when I read, I stop becoming myself. I become just a consciousness, recording what I read and keeping it in my notebooks or in my heart or in my mind. But sometimes I come across powerful words, when I am fortunate enough to find a reading material like that, then I tattoo it in my soul. 

So here.

I have compiled some good stuff that I have collected from my reading frenzy.

(1)

“The moon had been observing the earth close-up longer than anyone. It must have witnessed all of the phenomena occurring - and all of the acts carried out - on this earth. But the moon remained silent; it told no stories. All it did was embrace the heavy past with a cool, measured detachment. On the moon there was neither air nor wind. Its vacuum was perfect for preserving memories unscathed. No one could unlock the heart of the moon. Aomame raised her glass to the moon and asked, “Have you gone to bed with someone in your arms lately?”
The moon did not answer.
“Do you have any friends?” she asked.
The moon did not answer.
“Don’t you get tired of always playing it cool?”
The moon did not answer.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

(2)

“THE MAXIMS OF MEDICINE

Before you examine the body of a patient,
Be patient to learn his story.
For once you learn his story,
You will also come to know
His body.
Before you diagnose any sickness,
Make sure there is no sickness in the mind or heart.
For the emotions in a man’s moon or sun,
Can point to the sickness in
Any one of his other parts.
Before you treat a man with a condition,
Know that not all cures can heal all people.
For the chemistry that works on one patient,
May not work for the next,
Because even medicine has its own
Conditions.
Before asserting a prognosis on any patient,
Always be objective and never subjective.
For telling a man that he will win the treasure of life,
But then later discovering that he will lose,
Will harm him more than by telling him
That he may lose,
But then he wins.


THE MAXIMS OF MEDICINE by Suzy Kassem”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

(3)

“There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt: swimming in the ocean while it rains, reading alone in empty libraries, the sea of stars that appear when you’re miles away from the neon lights of the city, bars after 2am, walking in the wilderness, all the phases of the moon, the things we do not know about the universe, and you.”
― Beau Taplin

(4)

“It hurts my head to think of how many things had to happen for our paths to intersect. Of all those numberless little fortunes that led me to you. A broken alarm clock, a delayed train, a sudden downpour, and there we were. You and I, sharing coffee, our whole lives ahead of us.”
― Beau Taplin, Buried Light

~

Oh and by the way, I finally discovered Beau Taplin, deep one ~_~

Cycle of Light

Full moon tonight my dear friends.

Don't I love full moons? Yeah, I do.

According to some books I read, moon cycles are like the stages in a females' life, there's the maidenhood (new moon, waxing) then the motherhood (full moon) and  of course the Crone / Sage phase (full moon, waning) and finally, the silent/quiet wisdom of death (waning to new moon again). 

Maidenhood is of course the stage where everything feels possible. The raw and strong energy is on the verge of blossoming. We learn, we fail, we integrate and then we own our skills and talents from these experiences. It is the time of high ideals and lofty dreams. All potentials are welcome. It is like there's no limit at all, but this energy is actually a preparation for something more, something bigger, something that is yet to come. 

Motherhood is not always literally about conceiving and parenting. For some, it can really mean bringing a baby into the world, but to others it may mean nurturing something or creating something for the world. It could be a project, it could be a system, it could be an artistic creation. The energy here is the expression of manifestation of the energy from maidenhood. The continuation of what we internalised and cultivated when we were younger, when the energy was still raw and free like the wind. In this phase of motherhood, we are called to shape it and bring it out in the physical realm because its fullness has been achieved. I read somewhere that when a mother gave birth, she will be nursing and nurturing the young for about 20 years, so full moon/motherhood energy is not really short, it is actually quite a span of time. There is a flavor of mindful commitment in this phase as compared to the maidenhood because it is not solitude anymore. The woman will be taking care of (mothering) another life form 24/7, that's where all the maturity must be practiced aside from patience and feminine strength. Where in maidenhood there was a bit of seclusion from the world, I feel that motherhood is being out there in the world, showing the fullness and completion of feminine energy.

Next, there is the crone / sage phase, possibly the time of wisdom that comes from age and experiences. It is a time when ripeness achieved its full form already that the energy will now turn into a different kind of shape or vibration. There is brilliance that comes with it and a vision that is tempered by deep sensitivity to realities of life after experiencing it in many cycles. Maybe time to go inwards again, fully focusing on a rich inner world created through the tides of life and love. 

Eventually, there is death. The greatest mystery of all. That's the perfect rest and quiet after weathering all there is to face in the world. Death is yet a vehicle for rebirth where the cycle will continue again and again.

~

So, let's honor the full moon as it reminds us that in life, there is always a time for everything. Perhaps we are feeling scared, melancholic, or that sometimes emotions have been there with us for too long, the moon cycle reminds us that things eventually fizzle out, that the hold of these emotions on us actually ends; and like it or not it is not permanent. There is always a beginning and an ending. Like the talents that we choose to cultivate, we can choose which emotions to cut and which ones to intensify. We are in control, we just have to be mindful. And when it is time to let go, then let go and let it be. Trust that life will fill it in. 

We will find a place where there's room to grow

We've Only just Begun performed by The Carpenters

Sharing horizons that are new to us
Watching the signs along the way
Talkin' it over, just the two of us
Workin' together day to day
Together

And when the evening comes, we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes, we've just begun