Pagsisilid

Hello my lovely readers

How was your holiday making going?

As for me, nothing much, just the usual daily grind since our holidays are in the weekends, so in between those special days, I had to go to work but I used my spare time well by cleaning up my bedroom. 

It was just an annual event for me, to go through stuff, clean the space and maybe sort the stuff out in properly labeled boxes. It was really the usual year-end tradition for me so I never expected anything more. However, the event surprisingly turned into a revelation for me which actually made me more than a little broken-hearted.

Do you also have those compulsions when you find something small-ish like a tin can container  or well designed sturdy small box initially made for something else, like cookies, chocolates, stationeries or other stuff, once you finish the contents, you keep the tin can/box and you use it to keep your other things? That was what I have been doing, housing my other important stuff with those containers, perhaps with the end in mind that I want to keep a semblance of order in the midst of my typically chaotic personal stuff/collection. Year after year, the boxes/tin can multiply as my personal stuff/collections multiply too. However this year, when I was doing my routine inventory somehow something tugged me from within. The small stuff contained in those boxes/tin cans have already used their time. They don't support anything that makes my creativity spark anymore, the magic atmosphere of these small physical collections is gone, the use-by date has arrived. They don't support my soul growth anymore.

I feel so heart-broken.

Initially, I was so heart-broken because I felt it; just that small stain of feeling it in a perfectly calm quiet surface of my lake of emotions makes me overly sentimental and sensitive. It was of course uncalled for, but somehow it is there and it will stay. It is something that hit home, maybe it hit me right on target, my poor poor heart. Once it is there, I cannot ignore it anymore, like a ticking clock with a final loud alarm to warn me of impending end, has started its ominous countdown.

I feel so thoroughly heart-broken.

It must be why some of us really have a hard time parting with our old stuff that we invest to have bodega or collection cabinet or big baul, it is because these little physical things, collection, or stuff were a part of us. These stuff were a part of our identity, or it contained a piece of our heart or it magically seeded our soul. It used to be our jewels or treasures, but because life changes, we grow or our interests transform, these things we collected, we used to love and cherish have lost their value and yes, they became memories as soon as the realization hit our minds or hearts.

Life, why are you so cruel?

This was bugging my mind during the weekend. I have boxes not because I want to get my stuff right away when I need them, but I have boxes to finally bury and put these old stuff into a metaphorical baul where they will be preserved. Like a museum or bodega.

Funny how boxes have different meanings depending on our perspectives. 

Anyways, yes, I have to let go of the old to make space for the new. But just like the ancients, they have traditions, sacred traditions to bury the old, to preserve the memory, to keep the magic in the vial, and to finally put these stuff in their proper place. They will be no more than memories. Oh of course, they will always hold a special place in my heart, they have great sentimental value and they won't be replaced at all, but as I have said, they will stay in baul and bodega because from now on, that is the place where they belong. 

As they say: let the dead stay dead, 

From my hiding place - Catalog 7

Everybody Hurts | REM

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much of this life, hang on

Writing Prompt: A letter from Persephone to her friends above (20211215)

Writing Prompt: A Letter from Persephone to her friends

Dear friends,

Hello from the dark under. What can I say, it is bone chilling here as days passed by and the cold is threatening to become frost, ready to turn anything liquid and flowing into solid ice. Freezing. Frozen. Ice rock solid.

Much like the silence of this realm, too eerily silent that you can almost touch it. There are days when I want to find a solution on how to melt the ice, but a simple flame wouldn't stand a chance in the tall consuming ice mountain, it is even too foolish to think to try.

Well, I have been alone more and more in this realm since I returned. He has been busy all the time as usual, busy with all the things happening in the never ending cycle of life in this realm, His realm. He is always somewhere else, doing other stuff to keep the place running smoothly. As for me, I am also busy trying to learn a lot about his rhythm, his cycle, his moods, his reactions and so many other things closely related to him. Like his space which is a very empty one, a place where noone stays all the time aside from the sitting space where he stays most of the time when he is 'home'. The space is devoid of any embellishment, it is empty, like a minimalist designed space, full of white space suspended on a polished floor. The walls are empty too, not any picture or painting hanging from its wooden finished surface, but there is a big window, looking out to a garden, with many plants and trees, though the window is not open, no wind can enter from the outside, it is like a one way mirror, we can see from the inside but the outside cannot see us. I occupy a big space on the floor, across from his 'workstation'. Even in a shared space, we are still sitting opposite from one another, we 'see' each other from a distance.

If I have been writing all about him and if you have sensed that my point of view is just all about him and his personal space, that it feels so limited and claustrophobic, it is because I can't venture outside of his space. I am confined in his space/room, I am not permitted outside. The door is heavily locked and only he holds the key. Yes, it seems like I am tied to this empty room, with no company and noone to talk to. He is away all the time so I am just quietly waiting for him to come home or I am just busying myself with reading or writing or doing my own stuff.

Okay, I don't wait for him all the time as I have my own stuff too. Yes, I can still work too. It is just like I am there up above but I am not really there because I am really in the underworld. I am sorry for not having the right words to explain it, it sounds so simplistic and funny actually, but I need more time to process what I am doing so I can explain how I am really doing and faring down below.

But if I can give some glimpses of how my day is in this confined space in this big realm, just picture that I am on the floor still wearing my veil because it is so cold, and I'm doing my stuff as efficiently as I would have done it from above but of course with more interruption because He comes as He pleases any time of the day and when He drops by, I need to pay him all my attention.

Okay, as a tradition I have somehow revealed some secrets of our weird lifestyle to you my dear friends before and here goes some more. Well he might get a bit flustered but it is my diary anyway so it is my choice, here one thing about our lifestyle, ours is governed by a different flow of time, we don't have the usual 24/7 just like above. Just like when you travel to another country and you have to adjust your watch because you have crossed timelines, that's how it is here. The night is endless, but the moon will help you count the days and cycles of this world. 

Also, another one is that He is sweet but demanding and his observation skills are out of this world. Even when He is far away from this empty room, He knows every movement and every small gesture, very sensitive and very attuned.

However, everyone is this realm knows this but it is my privilege to let everyone know that He is a hard worker, intense and involved in every step of the way. He is very methodical and committed to His duties. 

Anyways, I am keeping this letter short again.

I wish for everybody to stay safe and warm during this cold season.

With all my love and affection,

Persephone

From my hiding place - Catalog 6

Heartache | One Ok Rock

So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
拾い集めた後悔は涙へとかわり oh baby

(Hiroi atsumeta koukai wa, Namida e to kawari)

SO_journals_slaves

 

SO_journals_growing addiction

SO_journals_a gentle reminder

 

Moods #27

Kailangan Kita | Performed by The Philippine Madrigal Singers

Kailangan kita
Kung gaano'y di ko alam
Basta't kailangan kita
Magpakailan pa man

Sakali sinta
Ako'y lisanin mo na
Buhay ko ma't kaluluwa
Ay di na kailangan pa

From my hiding place - catalog 5

Hawkmoon 269 | U2

When the night has no end
And the day yet to begin
As the room spins around
I need your love

I need your love
Like a Phoenix rising needs a holy tree

SO_journals_touching souls

 

Weekend, I drowned

My weekend was a roller coaster of emotions.

Barely survived the weekend, but I held on tight to the promise of redemption that ice cream could offer. The fruity bits of mango and avocado flavors got me out of dark mood a little, though I can say that the dairy didn't really sit well with my stomach. So, it was a bloat-y, brooding, dark weekend. 

I slept throughout the day. It was punctuated by my visits to the kitchen to get a spoon and bowl for my serving of ice cream. Then to counter the bloating, I made some green tea. 

I couldn't help but just melt into my bed.

I wrote some emotional lines in my analog diary, my real notebook, the paper one.

Then reflected on my life.

Then talked with my best friend.

Elfster.

What is the difference between a girl and a woman?

Why is it hard to maintain relationships?

Why is life difficult?

Those kinds of topics.

Then I slept and slept and slept.

Dreamt of so many weird stuff.

Occasionally checking my phone.

Listened to Cooky Chua a lot, on repeat. 

She is the embodiment of a woman for me.

Just listen to her sing, she will reveal what a woman is.

Then I had some Regina Spektor songs in the background while I reflect about my relationships.

Then I think about moleskin.

And my pens.

And about my life, about my plans, about my emotions.

Then all of a sudden it is Monday.

SO_journals_walking the path

 

From my hiding place - catalog 4

 

Moods #26

 

Moods #25

The Beginning | One OK Rock

Just tell me why baby
They might call me crazy
For saying I'll fight until there is no more

Moods #24

Glory Box | Portishead

Sow a little tenderness

No matter if you cry

No stopping the bleeding

It is not like it is the first time that I quit something

It is not like I am facing disintegration for the very first time in my life

I am used to decays

I am used to breakdowns

I am used to failings

But this time, I know it is the beginning of something long-term

Long term disintegration

Long term disillusionment

Slow dance

Trapped in darkness

Like a long tunnel

I know I chose to go through the tunnel

I am walking it now

No point of return

Each day presents a darker gradation

Each moment I know there is something more sinister in the background

Just taking its time to spring up and reveal its face

Each day, from morning to midnight, 

I watch myself emerge from dust then throughout the day, watch myself reduce to dust

Relentless watching

Not any eye muscle strong enough to look away

No

I have to fully watch

And painfully feel

To burn again and again

in the dark, in the shadow, in the cold

They say it is a wound that will never heal

The blood will flow again and again

Through the burn

Through the open wound

No stopping the bleeding

No sleep to save us from despair

No balm to stop the pain

But I continue walking 

Moods #23

Today is a walk down the memory lane of high school life.

Maybe around 2nd year or 3rd year high school, if you asked me to recite the whole lyrics of RENT and JCS, you can also toss in Chicago and Moulin Rouge, I wouldn't hesitate to start right away. I knew every single word by heart. Even just a whiff of their music, I was like a hound hungry for every note of them, two notes, three notes, I knew which part and whose character would be singing that song. 

Those were my obsessed days.

Anyways, who wouldn't dance to Tango Maureen, really?

Or who wouldn't cry in the song Without You?

Or wouldn't you be affected by I'll Cover You, and its more impressionable version, I'll Cover You Reprise after Angel's death?

Of course, there's that really funny Akita Evita scene, the intro to La Vie Boheme. This is closely connected to Angel's intro to the musical, singing Today 4 U.

The battle of wills in Take me or Leave me?

So, let's listen to La Vie Boheme A & B here, and if you are into alternative or underground artists/philosophers then you could look up the works of people whose names were mentioned in the song. These passionate people were attuned into their instinctive drives to create. Not the creative deodorized drive accepted by the mainstream. 

Writing Prompt: Persephone's diary entry on alchemy of saving the body

I am talking to you now from a space deep in the sea, while I sit lotus position from the seafloor.

The sunlight barely touched the space around me. This is a space deep and dark and cold, full of beings living in the shadow, they who have adjusted themselves in the dark, their visions are as precise as those beings living above, in the light. They are magical beings, they are just shadow selves. I sometimes glimpse them, but they are too sensitive that they easily hide from view, making themselves at peace in the invisible realm, safely tucked behind their protective veil.

I too know the balm that this protective veil offers.

Everyone living in this deep dark part of the world understands the importance of veil. Like Hades' mythical cap of invisibility, it is a valuable protection. Because they who easily bleed can bleed and bleed, eternally, even with just one unintentional light pinprick. I can never fully explain how sensitive they are, but believe me, they are deeply deeply sensitive.

I am here to address something.

It is my moment of profound understanding that the old has started to unravel, to break down, to dissolve and alas no more. And it breaks my heart. Together with the dissolution of the old, I am also losing the meaning of many hard earned bench marks that have defined my life. For example, the definition of success, the definition of achievement, somehow the definition that the old norms have set for me. I am in the midst of destruction, in a more intense and profound level, where the structures before were merely just shadows or illusions now. They looked so solid before, but now, they were reduced to dust, here now it is just an empty space.

It has come to my consciousness that if I want to keep my sanity I have to save myself from those fallen structures, I have to dig, dig and dig deeper still to recover myself and with the self that will emerge, so should new definitions of these important benchmarks that I have adopted blindly into my inner being. The old is dead, it is poisonous to keep retaining it inside, it will eat my insides and kill the last living cells of me if I don't remove it. It is like an absurd movie where the soul is saving the physical body and the soul should know the inner parts, the hidden, from the outer parts which will be the one shown in the physical realm.

It is the time when the soul should rescue the physical body. The soul is the surgeon, the physical body is almost dying, ingesting poison after poison. The soul can touch the physical body, it is possible, but no words can explain how. But I have seen it. It is really possible.

I am not sure whether I have this profound insights now because my travel to the Underworld is nearing. My cyclical visit to His realm is almost going to start now. The long procession to his kingdom is going to start anytime soon, I can feel it in my bones. I can hear his voice clearer and clearer each day. Time for me to be with Him soon. 

But before I go to Him, I need to redefine a lot of what I used to believe for the old is no more, but the wound it inflicted would never heal easily. It is a wound that one will carry in the heart for a long long time, almost for eternity. 

To have witnessed, felt and imbibed something so deeply lonely and profound is enough to send one into an asylum, one would wish to not feel anymore, to numb the pain, to deny the almost inhuman emotions related to it. Just like the shadow beings I mentioned earlier, they are as deeply sensitive in those vibrations. 

I will continue walking this universe of grief, the familiar silence and darkness, isolation, but I know I will re-evaluate the meaning of success, achievement, wealth, and those that we were blindly lead to pursue in the material world. 

Indeed the darkness and silence in this universe is not as frightening as it was before, maybe I am learning to adjust, who knows. I am tightly holding on to my veil of protection in this journey, because we who exist in the shadow don't know what kind of vibration will life throw at us at any moment. 

I do hope you will also keep your veil of protection around your body all the time.

Moods #22

 

After getting NO

They say, ask and you shall receive.

Sadly, I asked, politely and humbly in my most vulnerable time, but I was given a NO.

I tried hard.

I was patient.

I wanted to make it work.

But then, it was not meant to be.

Now, I am living here in the consequence of getting NO for an answer.

I have decided already.

I will choose the real one. 

The one I can talk to and talk with.

Especially in my most vulnerable time.

This is my choice.

I have to live with it.

Moods #21

Liwanag sa Dilim | Rivermaya

Harapin mong magiting ang bagong awitin

Liwanag sa dilim

Moods #20

The Reclaiming

This article from Kule (2004) talked about a very interesting topic, this is the link:

https://phkule.org/article/297/hail-women-full-of-grace?fbclid=IwAR1ixk8B4aZ4a_DjUl1HQ7Fbra654AnhS9EMwRoN6lHbw_RZEj0P8iMVx6Q

Interesting read, especially because it is September, the month of the sacred virgin whose body was the vessel for the ultimate redeemer. The holy mother whose role was functionally similar to those vestal virgins during the Roman empire, if you want some TedEd video about these vestal virgins, you can access it through this link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER0Cu0KQFqM

What do you think?

PS

This is also an interesting read, another retrospect from Kule (1991)

https://phkule.org/article/296/an-intercourse-with-myths-about-sex

Moods #19

Elesi | Rivermaya

Pag-automatic na ang luha

Moods #18

Di Na Muli | Itchyworms

hanggang sa huli

From my hiding place - catalog 3

Still busily trying to recover from the past months

Little by little, I can see more than a bit of what's in front of me, but after that fraction of a second of 'revelation' it disappears and dissolves

So, that must be the pattern, there are moments of spark, moments of clarity and moments of big picture 

However, just moments

Then, it is gone

Little by little, I can understand more than a bit of what's in front of me, but after that fraction of a second, the epiphany is lost in the void, too far to reach, too volatile to touch

Then again, confusion comes and the mind is trapped trying to untangle the impossible net 

,

little by little, I can feel more than a bit of what's in front of me, but after that fraction of a second, the emotion evaporates, it hides, it doesn't want to be defined

Then I am back in the dark

…

I remember an anecdote that one of my good teachers told me

It was about a wise and affluent elder, living on a hill, near the shore. As he spends quietly his numbered days, he keeps on seeing and watching some people who will wander around the sea, all day and night doing nothing, spending their time getting lost in their desires, fulfilling their blind passions, wasting time, wasting their talents, getting lost in their delusions. One day, as these people continue their aimless and wasteful ways, the elder saw a huge rolling wave, threatening to engulf the shore along with the people around it. In a moment of selfless compassion, he burned down his house, to call the attention of those people who seemed too caught in their cravings and desires in the shore. 

As the huge wave comes near, the fire swallowing the elder's house gets bigger and higher too, catching the attention of the people near the shore. Seeing the fire on the hill, they turned their attention to the dark smoke and the burning house, one by one, they run to the direction of the house, abandoning the shore. Saving themselves in the process.

…

These are all I have for tonight.

But somehow it feels enough.

From my hiding place - catalog 2

“Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

― E.L. Doctorow, Writers At Work: The Paris Review Interviews

Agree, 100% 

In fact, this has been on repeat in my head for a while now

I just changed the word 'writing' into 'living'

It is like a big dark hole enveloped the whole surrounding, and the only view for me is the part in front that the headlight can cast a light on. All around is just utter darkness.

The situation just forces a person to focus on the present, and just to let go of the past and not to worry about those we can't see anymore.

Oh goodness, everybody knows I am a worrier.

But then I have to push myself to overcome that tendency if I want to survive and to reach my goal.

Steady pace. Keep following the headlight.

Focus.

Faith.

From my hiding place - catalog 1

I discovered Reb Fountain

Now I want to write

Her music pushes me to write

Her voice is just perfect for extended stay in the in-between space

Keeping me company in the dark while I catalog each little silly small stuff that I happen to notice

My ink will be stardust

My paper will be the walls and the floor maybe the ceiling too

It is going to be a long long night

The old one closes and the new one begins

It was a relaxing but a difficult weekend at the same time

I finally had a whole day of just staying in the bedroom and not doing anything

Just letting the time pass without feeling so guilty at all

Reminds me of that liminal period after hell week and the start of a new sem, during university days

It was the 'in between days' - time for recuperating, for releasing all those heaviness, and to just be

But what surprised me is that it is now taking longer to recover from the slump than usual

It looks like my age is really catching up with me

But the slump is deeper and vaster than before

It seems like it is just the beginning

It is ominous

Signs of the time to come

.

.

.

.

The future is starting sooner than I expected

If I could only work this life out my way ...

So Far Away | Carole King

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely Nothing else to do but close my mind

Moods #17

 

Some random thoughts after waking up from afternoon nap

How to not become a sponge?

Unspeakable pain

Pain as deep as the ocean

Wide, and it keeps on getting wider

I am hopelessly at the bottom

And of course the bottom keeps on disintegrating

So I fall helplessly down

Just like in the movies when the characters

accidentally fall from a rabbit hole

Much like Alice in Wonderland

only I don't fall in a weird solid place

I am just suspended somewhere in the huge ocean

Definitely not on the surface

But nowhere near the bottom

As the bottom keeps on endlessly disappearing

Disintegrating

Just quitting to be solid

Melting

Liquefying

Everything is turning to dust, then dirt

Then nothingness

It is a weird feeling

Utter loneliness

Can't touch anything

Everything seems to turn into shadow

the shapes morphed into indescribable angles

Until there is no essence anymore

It is not just darkness anymore

It is becoming nothingness

Just a shadow

It was once a solid as you touched it

Then when you look back, there is just emptiness

Everything registers as sound, the proof of existence is in their vibration

The eyes can only catch the play of lights on the object

but the sound and vibration cannot be eliminated from the essence

There is still existence but they become invisible because the light cannot reflect them

And why do these things want to become invisible?

Or are these things showing me a different way of looking at them?

Why? 

Is there a new reality?

What for?

Why do I have these questions?

Why is this happening?

Moods #16

 

Are you going there too?

Grief, such deep sorrow
Sometimes it is so deep, it makes me want to just pack up and go back up where it is safer and brighter

But grief is a part of me, it is not something I can cut from myself and throw away

It's been here with me since I learned to think about my thinking process

It's been here with me since I cried my first tears

It's been here with me since I breathed in the moist air

It's been here with me since my first heartbeat

Grief is the twin emotion of all my other emotions

for example

I am happy, but therein lies grief at the other end of the smile

I am fulfilled, but at the other side, grief is just waiting to spring up again

I am validated, but grief is just stepping up its own game 

I am so alive, but the smell of grief is there just like how death can penetrate even the tightest of lids

but interestingly, what is grief's twin emotion?

When I am grieving, do I feel grief in the shadow?

When I am in deep sorrow, do I sense grief around the corner?

When I am sharply pained, is grief going to be the other end?

It's difficult to say

but right now, it seems grief is all enveloping 

somehow whole on its own

dark and inescapable

Is there salvation from grief?

Or is grief the major theme of my life?

But in darkness, I continue to walk, clutching faith tighter in my heart

I continue walking in the universe of grief.

Interchange #44

Ang katulad mong walang katulad | Orange and Lemons

Di-nial na ang lahat ng numero

Sa telepono kong antigo

Hawak ang pag-asang

Sa wakas makausap ko na

Ang katulad mong walang katulad

Interchange #43

I miss you | Blink 182

And as I stared I counted

The webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

And hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Moods #15

 

Writing Prompt: A Letter from Persephone to her friends (20210615)

Writing Prompt: A Letter from Persephone to her friends

Dear friends,

Time has passed, and it has been a while since I have come back in the above world. It was uneventful, actually. It was just the set-up between the authorities who seem to be in control of my life, which means that I am not really the one behind the wheels when it comes to where I should be in a certain time of the year. I have missed the golden ray of sunrise and the fresh morning breeze, so as much as possible I take them in every single day. I have also missed observing the sky when it is a bright sunny day and the contrast it makes when the clouds are about to pour its water to drench the thirsty soil. The sounds of rain and the wind that comes with it, they are almost a revelation when I get to experience them again here above.

I have been so busy with the everyday affairs in the world that I almost forget to update you. It is a rare chance that I get when I can just sit down and write without interruption. When you have only 6 months in the above world, you have to do almost everything in your power to finish all the tasks given, accomplish all the plans, connect with those who are important and build all that needs to be built. As you can recall, I have 6 months here above and 6 months with him in the underworld. It was a difficult task, actually. To be able to cross the two worlds and dwell in them, it must be very magical and mysterious to the eyes of those un-initiated, but to those few who really understand this, it is full of letting go, little deaths, big deaths and inner conflict, it is like losing yourself again and again to be able to relate fully to the world you are assigned in. It is not only losing yourself, but also you have to build yourself again, in a painfully limited time, hoping each time that you manage to keep the genuine parts of you, that you don’t lose your soul in the process, that you don’t forget the principles of compassion, kindness and selflessness that you built from scratch every single time that you regenerate after losing it all from crossing each world. Do I make sense?

For others it is the death of ego, or the self. The self you painstakingly built from shattered pieces, hoping that the most treasured parts are just near so it is easier to glue them back, but if that is not the case, then you have to spend the day or days not sleeping at all, looking intuitively for that part, which is one of the most difficult part of this endless shattering. Actually, there are times when you don’t know yourself anymore, but that’s worse than death, to just walk aimlessly, just raw blood and flesh, missing the most important parts of you, your heart, your mind, your vision, your senses – it was worse than death, I have to repeat that again and again to make sense, or to finally make sense – yes, indeed there are so many things/situation worse than death. So no matter how painful, one is forced to look for those shattered pieces, losing sleep, losing courage, losing strength, but one must not lose faith. This is one of the most important lessons that I learned in this life, never lose faith.

I apologize that this letter seemed a little heavier and darker than I designed it to be. I would really just like to update you my good friends about the reality of crossing the underworld and the (above) world. Anyways, here I am, writing again, perhaps I can say that I have successfully found some important parts of me, making it possible for me to write about it.

And if anyone is interested, yes he stays in the underworld most of the time because that is his place of reign. But of course, as you are my good friends, I will indulge you with a little secret, he can visit the world from time to time, he is that powerful. Actually, he is very powerful beyond anybody’s imagination. From my very limited knowledge of him, he can do anything he deems necessary. He has infinite ways especially if it is very important to him. I just don’t know if he goes through the same self-shattering when he crosses worlds, but all I can say is that he can be everywhere. In many books and myths, he was said to just stay in his dark kingdom, that’s very true but he can also take some time off from his business in the deep if he has very important things to deal with in the above world.

What is really interesting is that, the more one spends time with him, the more he becomes mysterious and unfathomable. He is prone to escalation and intensity – whether it is about any issue, opinion, idea, everything that he finds amusing. He is a very principled 'man'. Passionate and principled, the mix is truly intoxicating and addicting. There are a lot of them attracted and drawn to him, who can truly resist that kind of 'man'?

Well, I have to cut this letter short. I have lots of things to deal with today. Please stay safe and healthy.

Love,

Persephone

 

Moods #14

 

Interchange #42

Somewhere over the rainbow | UP Madrigal Singers

...it is not death, but dying, which is terrible ~

 "Distance of time and place generally cure what they seem to aggravate; and taking leave of our friends resembles taking leave of the world, of which it has been said, that it is not death, 

but dying, which is terrible." 
Henry Fielding
 

Perhaps that’s why the new couldn’t take flight successfully and completely because this period is needed to fully cover the course of saying our final goodbyes to the past and to the old.

I remember posting something about this in February, why it still feels off? Why it still feels something is missing? Perhaps this is the period where a spark of epiphany will finally lit the confused heart.

Let’s be kinder to each of our friends and beloveds while going through this tough time. More importantly, let us be kinder to and more understanding of ourselves.

Interchange #41

Kathang Isip | Ben&Ben

Kaya't pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito🎵

 

Interchange #40

Kwarto | Sugarfree

Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban

Moods #13

Moods #12

 

Let me share some quotes today

I was really going to post about a quote from Gerard Butler, my favorite Phantom. You know, Gerry, he is sexy, deep and he exudes that Phantom charisma in him even when he is not playing the part anymore. This ever elusive bachelor (swoon) convinced a lot of POTO fans that even without proper voice lesson training, a really talented guy who can dramatize his darkness and passion with charm and flair in front of the audience can land the most complicated character ever to grace the theater/movies. If you could listen to his raw vocal performance in YouTube for the Phantom of the Opera then you will understand what I am talking about. 

But yes, I was looking for Gerry's quote however, I came across an article praising Joaquin Phoenix's The Joker performance. I haven't seen the film yet, but I am a fan of Joaquin ever since Gladiator. The review talks about paradigm shifts on anti-hero becoming more understood, and even justified in his dark behavior. Anyways, this is the quote that I was looking for, imagine this was delivered with lots of passion and intensity by Joaquin.

~

Anyways, I was gathering some materials for this post that I come across this sentence

The society's failure to nurture a healthy masculine

Yeah, that...

Also I include this in my 2-decade research: the toxic masculinity

Why do we forget that men are also suffering? I want to deep dive into this pool too, but one at a time. 

~

Also, who wasn't surprised by the big announcement of the philanthropic couple billionaire Melinda and Bill Gates. It must be difficult to go on their separate ways after 27 years together, but of course, there is a system in their relationship where Bill gets to do what he wants from time to time, now I am thinking about Melinda. Was she also allowed to do what Bill does? Does Melinda want to have extra affairs too? If the other one does it, does it follow that the other must do it too, for the sake of equality? What if the behavior of the other is not the same as that of partner? Will we call it equality too?

Well, those are very personal questions and we don't really know what their set-up as a couple is/was, so we have to respect their privacy. But one quote really caught my attention, it was an interview with Melinda about her own foundation for women empowerment.

Okay, now time for self-reflection as we enter another new moon cycle.

Laters again my dear readers.

Moods #11

Okay, I feel like I need to clarify this post

The books I am talking about are the books that I have been collecting and researching and printing on my own because it is hard to find these titles in the bookstores nowadays

I have actually formally subscribed to Scribd bec this website has a lot of books that I need right now

And these books, though hard to find in bookstores and libraries online can be found in Scribd, so I don't mind the monthly fees, as long as I get my hands into hard-to-find titles

And what I mean by new books being given to me, it is the feeling that I get when I have these printed copies bound in our local bookbinding shop

The staff in this bookbinding shop are very helpful and they really do a great job

So far, I have five books bound in our local bookbinding shop

I have more than 30 titles that I am planning to have printed and bound within this year

So, seriously, this is the kilig factor ^^

I have mentioned before that I am committing myself to 2-decades research, yes and this right now is the materials gathering phase. And boy, do I have a lot of materials!

I need to sort them out actually, so I have to update my book list from time to time

So far, the rough titles of my research topic are as follows

(1) Divine Feminine ~ I have titles by the great Joseph Campbell and Karen Tate

(1.5) Lifestyle of women in antiquity and early civilizations ~ Stephanie Lynn Budin, Judith Weingarten

(2) Eleusinian Mysteries ~ I have titles from Carol Pearson, Jean Shinoda Balen

(3) Histories of Sexuality ~ Of course its Michel Foucault, and then Stephen Garton

(4) Plutonians ~ From the perspective of Astrology in Psychoanalysis

(5) Hades Moon ~ Same as above

(6) Psychoanalysis ~ Jung, Freud and Jacques Lacan

These are my titles so far and I have to add some more but I am busy right now so I will update this when I have time

I just really want to make it clear that these books are my treasures right now

 

Interchange #39

Don't Tell 'Em | Jeremih (cover by Lorde)

Rhythm is a dancer, I need a companion
Oh, I guess that must be you
Body like the summer, you're like no other
Don't you tell 'em what we do

Don't tell 'em, don't tell 'em

Interchange #38

I've Got a Dream / Tangled

She's got a dream (he's got a dream)
They've got a dream, we've got a dream
So our differences ain't really that extreme
We're one big team
Call us brutal, sick, sadistic
And grotesquely optimistic
'Cause way down deep inside

We've got a dream 

A project and a commitment

“That’s how Yubaba controls you... by stealing your name." - Haku, Spirited Away

When I was younger, I heard that naming people, pets, things or other possessions is very important. It was a kind of tradition passed on in my family especially when we got pets. Most of the pets we had were accidental, these pets chose us, not the other way around. The past pets we had were: kittens, birds, rabbits, puppies, I remember we didn't name these pets yet when other family member haven't seen them. So it was important that they were recognized and accepted first before we name them.

We usually based the names of these pets on their weird characters or their physical characteristics. There were names like: mingming, B1 and B2, porgitania, ali etc. Years passed, and I still hold naming of things and people very important. For example, for possessions, I name them depending on their use: for my phones, usually they have two names: Hermes Cadmus etc. For my usb they are a bit more elaborate like: Calligeneia. For my camera: Cleopatra. Of course, my laptop has a name. Also, my diary has names too. 

Well, actually the point of my post is that I have made up my mind that I won't name anyone near my living space or anyone I treat important, (or anything) carelessly. Which brings me to the importance of etymology. I was told by my friends that most of the name I used are either from Greek Mythology or other forms of gods/goddesses of the ancient world. Yeah, I am guilty of that. But also, I am expanding my horizons in naming objects or people, that's why my research now involves a lot about world literature on deities and heroes. 

Also, yeah, I have a long list of research topics that I am starting now. I feel that it will take a long time of research, as I have a lot of questions in my life right now. But I am just beginning to collect a lot of information by looking at many books and of course printing them. I feel like this research journey will cover 2 decades, something that I really have to commit myself into. I am actually excited, and I commit to report my research and realizations in this blog, because I want to update you my dear readers about what I have been discovering and learning. 

I hope you will join me in this very long journey and perhaps we can learn together as we follow this great quest of search for truth and answers. I will definitely put out some tags so you can follow me into these different topics that I am diving into.

Interchange #37

Ancient Future / The Empress

Moods #10

 

Ode to online teaching classes

We have another Monday in our midst, my dear readers.

How's everything going in your lives and in your schedules?

I hope everyone is doing well and I pray that everyone will stay healthy.

So, we are in the middle of April, time flies so fast nowadays.

Now, I am caught in a weird flow of emotions.

I have been having my online classes, and it has been wonderful,

my students

the parents

my classes

they are all wonderful

but of course, there are difficult times too, especially when I have 

to give them their reports, I usually pull out an all nighter or two to finish

almost an average of 20 reports every two weeks

but that's part of the journey of online teaching

So there, I have established that my online teaching journey has been 

a mix of wonderful and difficult - and because of those qualities I love it even more

Thing is, I may have to cut some parts of my online teaching time 

to make way for a new schedule

That's where this weird flow of emotions is coming from

I have this sudden surge of sad emotion bec I think maybe this will be the 

last few weeks where I have this time of teaching them, bec definitely I 

will have to adjust the schedule

I mean sometimes when we do something daily, we just go through the motions, 

we begin the class, we reach a comprehension, we use the new words of concepts 

in our sentences and then we have culmination activity then homework, that's 

basically the rough run down of my classes

This gets on and on, then it gets too familiar that I may have let it sink to predictable

patterns and I have unintentionally killed the excitement, 

but now, since I might have a new routine soon, I suddenly realize the real value

of my online teaching classes, it may have been not very exciting anymore

but I am secure in its familiarity 

Ah, the impermanence of life

But day by day, I am learning to stay in the here now, 

to seize every moment of the day

and just let life unfold without me being a control freak about the future

Interchange #36

Walang Hanggang Paalam | Joey Ayala

🎶

Moods #9

 

Flow of consciousness before noon

Hello my dears 🎆

How is everything doing in your lives?

Happy Easter to everyone ^^

And yes! I survived March 💜 Am I so happy!

👻

So I guess I have to treat myself to something delicious, 

but

Of course there is this ECQ NCR plus happening so I couldn't treat myself yet 🍜

however,

I think if I can't go to a place where I can get delicious food,

I can make the food come to me by delivery!

Yum, isn't it 💕

But I still have to wait 😱

I have to be patient

Patience is a virtue

Just like how I am very patient with my state right now

I just couldn't effectively create a plan or a strategy

When I am about to lay something out I have imagined as a system, 

there will always be something missing

The most frustrating part is that, I couldn't define what it is

Indeed frustrating 😭

And so, I have to remind myself that patience is a virtue

I would eventually piece the puzzle together 👒

But it is like, the data came flooding me attacking me like tsunami

I kept holding on to my initial observation, but indeed, this looks like 

a different ball game

My old way of looking at things must change because 

the game has changed 💀

The first quarter of the year ended already, I must be up with my list or reflection

But initially I will do it in my physical diary

🐬🐋

I am learning not to push myself when I don't want to write

It is healthier that way 🍓🍇🍋

I want ice cream 🌷

Moods #8

 

After Bulutong

 

Interchange #35

Stars | Simply Red

For all the jealousy I caused you
States the reason why I'm trying to hide
As for all the things you taught me
It sends my future into clearer dimensions

Interchange #34

Same in any language | I-nine

Sometime ago I met a Navajo

In a parking lot in Tokyo

He said everything wordlessly

Wanderlust in my eyes, he did see

The stare

 

The cat stares, and I stare back at it

Interchange #33

Everlong | Foo Fighters

Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head
Out of my head

Vegetarian Junction #2: Hot Chocolate Tablea in Soy Milk