Waking up from dream to dream as I nursed my high fever all day in bed. Dreams containing the people I love, the people I long to be with, people revealing what connection we have -- the magic thread that connects us to this life cycle. Dreams revealing truths, however it hurts. Sometimes messy dreams. Sometimes incomprehensible dream as how the dew feels when leaving the tip of a grass at dawn.
Must be the full moon again. Feeling deeply about my failed loves, failed dreams, failed relationships. Sighing from one minute to the next. Waiting for your email. Receiving calls from a worried lover. Reading blogs, trying desperately to connect to something that might give life meaning. What I feel is pain, dull pain in particular. Dull that I don't know how to release it. So dull that I cannot even contain it inside me anymore. Pains and frustrations, here are the bitter dishes that will keep me company to cold and empty dinner tonight. Sometimes there are moments when I have to resist the call of melancholy, but it is as we all know persistent, just like the cycle of the moon -- full, quarter, balsamic, new. Again and again this will continue, again and again this cycle will unfold whether we like it or not. It will conquer us and its waters will destroy our sandcastles -- oh well pain I am so used to you now.
What's the point of building when it is meant to be destroyed? What's the point of connection when we cannot really maintain it, after just days, we become strangers again. It is like a helpless pattern.
As the light of the sun fill the light-less moon, I want to reveal my pains and sufferings. I want the world to know that I am just human, that I can bear just the minimum of it. Because pain as much as truth, dehumanizes. I want to reveal the pain of longing, the pain of hoping, the pain of believing. But I guess the world is just too fragile for my hurts. Above all the noise of the city and the muzak of the neighboring street, it was just stale air -- nothing above that will take this pain to a higher being for immediate healing. No, I grew too bitter to believe that.
That it depends on us to redeem ourselves. Sariling kain, sariling busog. How religion make life so dry and brittle, how I feel so alone. How relationships can bring me to the top and topple me down unaware to the deep pit.
But I know deep inside, as I rescue myself from myself -- from utter pain to a place of hope and resurrection, that we are capable of that spark of hope to guide us through the dark. It is when faced with difficult questions that we remember our divine heritage. That we are capable of dragging ourselves out of misery, melancholy, pain and loneliness, it has to happen from deep within. That spark is the other part of us that we forget as we pay all our attention to mundane life. It must be time to wake up to that sparkling side of us. We are complete from the beginning, we just have to be painfully aware of it, every single second of our lives. The pain and melancholy make the soil of sparkling side of us rich, that we are ready for its eventual fruition. That it is calling us to wake up to a bigger part of us. The better part of us.
Maybe it's not too late. As I nurse my fever and as I watch the full moon from my window, I offer a silent prayer that we will reveal to ourselves that sparkling side of us. It is just about time.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Lovely morning
 |
| Mornings couldn't be better |
But people call and woke me up, that's the next best thing in the world: to be needed by friends!
So I got my mug and heat up water for tea. Sipping tea while talking to special people in my life, couldn't be better than this.
Today I welcome the sweet smell of Holiday Season in the air. The overcast sky helps to make the mood more home-y and romantic. I love this day. Hope everyone is having a good day too.
Listening to: Hotel Song by Regina Spektor
Thursday, October 25, 2012
A post for you
He is music. He is the air containing music. He brings the harmony of every aspect which magically makes good music together. The divine collaboration that establishes order way beyond the physical realm, way beyond reason, way beyond what I considered truth and real, tangible and proven.
His music rules my quiet fixed air until that moment when I tossed a bagful of question to that mesmerizing orchestra he brings with him everywhere he goes.
Although I ask him difficult questions, I can feel him deeply beyond the incapacity to respond. The genuine need to keep the harmony in the face of debate. The gentleness behind the answers uttered just to provide a semblance of conversation. Gently pushing forward the reality contained in a soft voice which says 'i know it's not enough, but i care' -- of course an interpretation of the verbal answer.
If only he knew that I have decided long ago that there are questions that exist without answers. Getting used to that blissful space of self-preservation strategy, I learned ages ago during university days that questions are form of reaching common ground, to cover the spaces between two souls. To bridge the gap built over time. Not all questions are meant to be answered. There are some that just needed to be heard. Some that needed release. Some that only be asked to people who I intimately care about.
Self-preservation. That old devil of strategy to keep me going from one level to another as I climb mountains in life's journey. That familiar way of living, not unlike breathing, to keep the boundaries clear as crystal. To prevent one from stepping to the softest side of me. Just the thought of someone crossing that clear edge of border makes me cringe. Nobody can cross that else I will be as fragile as Daly's clocks. Dissolving, shapeless, melting into the person who dare cross the boundary. I will be history long before the seconds hand move to the next bead.
Now I am left with tides of emotion. I don't know what moves me from one moment to the next when my thoughts were just occupied by him. Maybe that's life for me now, you just go and do stuff because you have to go and do stuff. Swinging from one end to the other - moving through the motions. Tiring. It sounds so old. Antique and cranky and fragile. But it calms me for now.
Whenever reality hit me hard, my imagination tends to fly to the clear blue wide expanse of deep oceans. Inviting, exposed yet secretive, calling me with the voice so deep that I cannot resist the feeling of smooth sand beneath my feet, waves crashing into my weak knees eventually its gentle waters enveloping my whole body.
Ocean heals.
Waves full of possibilities. Ocean waters full of tiny worlds asking us to make it real. Small, subtle waves, produced by wind moving gently over the surface. Without air, who will hear the longing of the ocean? Without the playful wind, how will the ocean water gracefully move?
To you: You don't need to be so mature to answer these questions I tossed. I just need you to be. You showed me who you are by being still. You showed your love by answering me with a sweet post card you denied as your diary. The letter contains an invitation for further talks and conversation and chat over coffee. That alone made me feel so loved. I feel so cared for. I feel protected.
This is just our beginning.
His music rules my quiet fixed air until that moment when I tossed a bagful of question to that mesmerizing orchestra he brings with him everywhere he goes.
Although I ask him difficult questions, I can feel him deeply beyond the incapacity to respond. The genuine need to keep the harmony in the face of debate. The gentleness behind the answers uttered just to provide a semblance of conversation. Gently pushing forward the reality contained in a soft voice which says 'i know it's not enough, but i care' -- of course an interpretation of the verbal answer.
If only he knew that I have decided long ago that there are questions that exist without answers. Getting used to that blissful space of self-preservation strategy, I learned ages ago during university days that questions are form of reaching common ground, to cover the spaces between two souls. To bridge the gap built over time. Not all questions are meant to be answered. There are some that just needed to be heard. Some that needed release. Some that only be asked to people who I intimately care about.
Self-preservation. That old devil of strategy to keep me going from one level to another as I climb mountains in life's journey. That familiar way of living, not unlike breathing, to keep the boundaries clear as crystal. To prevent one from stepping to the softest side of me. Just the thought of someone crossing that clear edge of border makes me cringe. Nobody can cross that else I will be as fragile as Daly's clocks. Dissolving, shapeless, melting into the person who dare cross the boundary. I will be history long before the seconds hand move to the next bead.
Now I am left with tides of emotion. I don't know what moves me from one moment to the next when my thoughts were just occupied by him. Maybe that's life for me now, you just go and do stuff because you have to go and do stuff. Swinging from one end to the other - moving through the motions. Tiring. It sounds so old. Antique and cranky and fragile. But it calms me for now.
Whenever reality hit me hard, my imagination tends to fly to the clear blue wide expanse of deep oceans. Inviting, exposed yet secretive, calling me with the voice so deep that I cannot resist the feeling of smooth sand beneath my feet, waves crashing into my weak knees eventually its gentle waters enveloping my whole body.
Ocean heals.
Waves full of possibilities. Ocean waters full of tiny worlds asking us to make it real. Small, subtle waves, produced by wind moving gently over the surface. Without air, who will hear the longing of the ocean? Without the playful wind, how will the ocean water gracefully move?
To you: You don't need to be so mature to answer these questions I tossed. I just need you to be. You showed me who you are by being still. You showed your love by answering me with a sweet post card you denied as your diary. The letter contains an invitation for further talks and conversation and chat over coffee. That alone made me feel so loved. I feel so cared for. I feel protected.
This is just our beginning.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
New good winds coming
Moon is in its dark phase, signaling its balsamic period before it finally turns new. The current moon cycle is ending now, looking back at the past month, I did a lot! It was productive because I was able to contribute a lot to my community, friends and family.
This coming new moon I am now incubating more ideas that I want to grow and manifest. Sounds exciting ^^ I will fill all of my little fragile tiny seeds of ideas with love and kindness so they will grow as sturdy and solid source of happiness.
I say goodbye to the old that don't serve me anymore and hug tight those lessons and ideas that helped me grow.
I say welcome to the gifts that the universe is sending me, I will take care of them like abundant harvests that I can share to friends and people within my radius.
I will cherish each moment of life with deeper respect and profound gratitude because each second is a treasure that contains infinite possibilities.
This coming new moon I am now incubating more ideas that I want to grow and manifest. Sounds exciting ^^ I will fill all of my little fragile tiny seeds of ideas with love and kindness so they will grow as sturdy and solid source of happiness.
I say goodbye to the old that don't serve me anymore and hug tight those lessons and ideas that helped me grow.
I say welcome to the gifts that the universe is sending me, I will take care of them like abundant harvests that I can share to friends and people within my radius.
I will cherish each moment of life with deeper respect and profound gratitude because each second is a treasure that contains infinite possibilities.
But you know what? Miracles happen. Out of the blue good stuff happens. It’s the moments in between, most of the moments, that need our love. - Aliza
Friday, October 12, 2012
Inspire your Friday
Always trust yourself and your own feeling, as opposed to argumentation, discussions, or introductions of that sort; if it turns out that you are wrong, then the natural growth of your inner life will eventually guide you to other insights. Allow your judgments their own silent, undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and cannot be forced or hastened. Everything is gestation and then birthing. To let each impression and each embryo of a feeling come to completion, entirely in itself, in the dark, in the unsayable, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own understanding, and with deep humility and patience to wait for the hour when a new clarity is born: this alone is what it means to live as an artist: in understanding as in creating.
~ Letters to a young Poet
Rainer Maria Rilke
~ Letters to a young Poet
Rainer Maria Rilke
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Wise words
“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.”
― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology: The Masks of God 4
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell
*
Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again. -Joseph Campbell
*
“The first step to the knowledge of the wonder and mystery of life is the recognition of the monstrous nature of the earthly human realm as well as its glory, the realization that this is just how it is and that it cannot and will not be changed. Those who think they know how the universe could have been had they created it, without pain, without sorrow, without time, without death, are unfit for illumination.”
― Joseph Campbell
― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology: The Masks of God 4
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell
*
Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again. -Joseph Campbell
*
“The first step to the knowledge of the wonder and mystery of life is the recognition of the monstrous nature of the earthly human realm as well as its glory, the realization that this is just how it is and that it cannot and will not be changed. Those who think they know how the universe could have been had they created it, without pain, without sorrow, without time, without death, are unfit for illumination.”
― Joseph Campbell
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Easy Sunday
And today is a lazy day, unleashing the home-buddy in me. But still I want to accomplish stuff, so here is my Sunday list ^^
1. Write snail mails, so far, I have yet to reply to 8 letters.
2. Accomplish my christmas shopping list for family, friends and officemates.
3. Send postcards.
4. Start snail mails for friends XD
5. Maybe wash later
6. Update my diary.
So this is an easy Sunday, playing easy as Sunday Morning in my head ^^
Also, before I end this entry, I will paste the image of this book that I will give as a sembreak gift to myself. Here it is.
Some words of wisdom from him:
"Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
1. Write snail mails, so far, I have yet to reply to 8 letters.
2. Accomplish my christmas shopping list for family, friends and officemates.
3. Send postcards.
4. Start snail mails for friends XD
5. Maybe wash later
6. Update my diary.
So this is an easy Sunday, playing easy as Sunday Morning in my head ^^
Also, before I end this entry, I will paste the image of this book that I will give as a sembreak gift to myself. Here it is.
Some words of wisdom from him:
"Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Saturday, October 6, 2012
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