New Moon Blues

I feel incredibly sentimental as I look at my computer and printer. I wanted to cry.

I was 17 years old when I started college. Our computer back then was a very old model, with a second hand printer that my parents bought from a colleague. Needless to say, technology gadgets were very expensive before, not to mention my parents' meager income plus they were in the middle of sending two kids into college, perfect recipe for extreme budget cuts ~ the state of our means to acquire good gadgets were extremely low to cannot afford at all. I understood back then that money is really important in education and handling it well needs discipline if we want access to convenience and modern technology.

While in college, there were endless nights of paper works, reports and essays, on top of that I also had to travel from Dasma to QC every single day, I didn't want to remember those crazy days but they were part of my college life. Just imagine, I had 7AM class, how on earth would I strategise to get up early and travel and not be late in my class? I know, I had a choice when I was enlisting to the classes, but I needed that GE with no other available schedule, so I had to sacrifice, and oh boy, did I?!

But months went by and I learned, even mastered the commute from our house to the University. I keenly remember the first time I had to travel alone, without my mom to shadow me because she had to work and I was a mature teenager. I had to bite my tears away as I boarded the bus alone, that ride would be around an hour and a half long ~ it would take me directly to MRT where I had to spend another 30 minutes then upon leaving QAve station, I had to ride UP campus jeep, which was another 15 to 20-minute ride. 

This was just the first half of the commute, I would do the same routine after class of course when it was time to go home.

Crazy commute. I know. But I learned a lot. About travelling. About life. About time. About roads.

Then back to school work. So after around 2 and a half hours of commute going back home, I would be so tired, but I had dinner waiting for me since I still lived with my parents back then. After dinner, I would start doing school work using our very old computer. I remembered later on, I had installed CD/DVD drive writer/reader, it was one of the biggest days of my college life haha! I knew exactly how expensive usb were before so I said to myself, re-write-able CD/DVD would be my tool/weapon of choice. Okay, so back to endless typing of reports, hours after hours of library research, procrastination, imagination and lutang/sabaw moments when I found out I didn't even understand a word out of the readings I was studying, finally I was able to complete an essay or a report. Unfortunately, completing these reports and documents were just the beginning of my trouble, as I had to telepathically communicate with our moody printer. That weird-o printer would not print anything at all. Seriously!

I mean when I needed to print some readings or net searches, yes it would print those pages clearly and correctly but in its very unknown secret deep within hell, it just wouldn't print my papers, my reports and my essays. I tried, oh I am really telling you I tried, I am well known to be a patient person, I employed my divine patience and still waited for the printer to print those needed documents, but apparently, it just wouldn't want to print my homework. 

I spent hours crying and crying for the printer to print my document, but it wouldn't budge. We are talking about me printing my essay for 8:30AM class while I was negotiating with the damned printer to print my homework at 5AM, I still had to prepare for school and of course I still needed to commute.

Around 80% of the time, it wouldn't print anything I typed, so I ended up burning my reports/homework into re-writeable CD/DVD and I had to make time allowance bec I would go to a printshop in UP to have my reports printed, aside from of course dipping into my (travel) allowance for printing cost. I sometimes saved my reports in my email, but I don't want to pay extra for computer rental in UP, so burning documents into CD/DVD had been my norm.

So back to my sentimental mood, after more than 17 years, I have a working printer and a nice computer. Life does change. Life has a funny way of showing us that those big problems a decade or almost two decades ago were gone now. 

Maybe this was what I wanted to say.

We might be sinking into troubles, problems and issues, but remember everything is possible through time. Time makes our dreams come true. Time fulfills our goals. In the right time, things eventually work out right.

It is a stormy new moon for all of us. Stay safe and dry dear readers.

Hugging you tight.

The story of small frying pot

Writing today is such an arduous process, my mind keeps floating a blank space.

I am not sure why I am endlessly starving, no idea why?!

And of course my mind is flying from one topic to another, the kind that doesn't really stay in one place.

I have this urge to clean, fix and wash, so I did them all yesterday and this morning.

Now, my urge is taking me to deeper waters. Or just skimming the surface.

No use to understand what I am feeling. No use to logically determine what is the next step in this weirdly unfolding new moon eve day. All I know is that a super typhoon is coming soon and the sky is ominously showing signs of thick dark clouds, like revealing very strong rains and winds coming. All I know is that I want to cave in, just hide in my dark bedroom and just read or sleep or nap. But I have in my mind stuff that I need to do and finish, but it is still a weekend so I am going to be good to myself. At least I am eating lunch :)

. . . after hours of interruption

I am back again.

So, mmm, I have been deeply affected by my decision to move from big frying pot to small frying pot. You see, I usually fry some of my food so I have my frying pot ready just in case I need to fry something for quick dinner, it means that the oil I use last for 5 to 7 days, but I keep the pot with lid on when not in use and I only use enough oil each time I fry.

I really am big about cleanliness of cooking utensils and ingredients. I make sure they are all clean all the time so I have covered that part about the hygiene of using the same oil and frying pot for a week. But what keeps me a bit off-footed is my big frying pot. I said goodbye to it. I used the big pot for 2 years, and boy, do I have to labor each time I clean it?!

I am telling you it is really intense work-out each time.

The big frying pot phase was really feasible bec the house I occupied was nearer the workplace so I can leave office and be at home in about 10 minutes. Also, in earlier times, I was just doing my CPD units so I really wasn't that busy. However, since my full time job is so demanding and commute to work is getting longer now bec life is getting back to normal after pandemic, I saw the big need to switch from big frying pot to small frying pot bec:

(1) I cannot handle weekly intense cleaning 'work-out' for the big pot

(2) I think I am eating smaller portions now :D

(3) Small frying pot is emotionally, physically and psychologically easier to handle

(4) Small frying pot uses a little oil compared to the big frying pot

Yeah, #3 is really important. If you see how small-ish my small frying pot it, you will think yes, it is easier to handle. In a very weird way, the mythology of giants keeps replaying in my mind. Especially that part when Cronus started to expel Hades, Zeus and Poseidon from his body. See how my weird brain works, haha.

But seriously, house routine building is hard because we need to think of all the factors that come into play: time, water, grocery budget, cooking utensils, food to cook etc. I mean from the expenses that I need to budget when buying my cooking oil to buying dishwashing liquid, also I have to keep in mind the frozen vegetarian/vegan food that I order, and the rate that I have to change my cooking utensils, also I have to add to my budget that scrubbing wire that I use to clean my pot, those little things all add up. 

They are actually not little things, they are elements that make up the big mystery of life.

Anyways, after all is said and done, I really need to get another small pot again, it is for cooking soup or ulam na may sabaw. These things also occupy my mind.

It is starting to rain though.

Moods #41

Daughter | Youth, Landfill, Tomorrow

***

I thought I can resist posting this, but I am still emotional, reflective and unbelievably melancholic, so this video won. Yeah, still a fan after so many years. 

How can someone capture such tenderness in grief?

She sometimes comes across aloof but actually she feels a lot, she is just good at hiding it.

How can she put all these beautiful lyrics together with such lovely music?

She is a poet.

They are poets.

Anyways, Youth is still one of the songs that both shatters inside while clinging into your heart, relentlessly. Landfill, I am still finding its place in my heart, but I know it has a spot there somewhere. Don't let me even get started in Tomorrow, it is a song about longing but knowing that there will be separation after some time spent together. How tragic. How painful. How bitter. How beautiful.

Here my dear readers, sharing you one of the most poetic bands out there.

Such an ethereal performance. She deserves nothing less. 

Hugs to all.

Moods #40

 

Just random

After hours of staring at the blank screen, still nada, my brain is just as blank as this page.

But, I have learned some useful tricks to use a dotted journal, makes me excited about getting a dotted notebook.

Oh well, just random pics then:

My hair is getting longer, I may need to cut it soon.

Good night 

The Trauma of Getting Up Again and Going through Life again

Most of the motivation quotes are very helpful, that's really true, but most of the time as we all know, they are easier said than done. My past few weeks were indescribably terrible, difficult and full of deadlines while I had to deal with multi-tasking in a different level: serving, assisting and answering questions here and there with urgency.

It was not easy. It was never easy. I usually just downplayed the difficulty level just to get me through another day, that was the routine for many weeks now. However, when the unrelenting storm of multi-tasking reached it peak and the trend is now going down, I had more time to observe myself, without a doubt I could see symptoms of trauma: anxiety, compulsive decisions, unfocused tasks, unproductive procrastination, fear of delving too deep bec of the pain of going through some tasks again, inability to shake the doubts and fears, insecurity, self-doubt, self-sabotage and lots of negative emotions.

I am no stranger to all of these.

I know these negative elements intimately.

I know them one by one. 

Unfortunately.

I was usually accused by my friends that I am spreading myself too thin, that I take on more than I can deliver, mostly at the cost of my mental, physical and emotional wellness.

I know this problem.

This problem is as old as myself.

I know this problem too well.

And I am aware of the signs and manifestations that my body is telling me; that my body is calling my attention to, just to signal that I am going through this self-abuse again.

Funny thing is, I thought as we grow older, we will learn to live with the trauma of self-abuse, but that's not the case with me. The symptoms are here, skin rashes, skin irritation, pains, aches and general laziness when there is free time. I feel bad about it. My plans as usual were shattered. I was forced to burn plans again and forced to watch as these best laid plan was set on fire and then burned and then they turned to ashes and then no more.

What good is a plan when you have to deal with the heartache of not following them? What good is it when we keep on not following through?

It is painful. 

It is where I got the idea that freedom is the best way to escape ~ detachment, not caring about the damaged plan, expecting emptiness at every turn bec it will surely arrive, however, I can sense there is a fine balance between being fatalistic about plans and just being really ready and prepared for the emptiness and damages and not being able to follow up. I guess there is a process where I can both plan and let go of control, without damaging myself during emotional storms or traumatic periods of life. 

I think there is a way for this balance to occur.

There must be a way. My spiritual teacher will always point out, there is a path. There is a proper way. There is a process. You just have to find it, study it, have faith in it, feel it and live it. That's why I believe in guides, in having faith, in praying for good affinities and in using time wisely because these are factors that weigh in a lot when decay and death metaphorically come to test our plans and our goals.

Let's keep the faith, we jump when we need to jump, but keep the faith.

And in faith, we will find a way to pave the path.

Moods #39

Minsan Lang Kitang Iibigin | Performed by Philippine Madrigal Singers

Minsan lamang sa buhay ko ang 'sang katulad mo
Ako rin ba'y iniibig mo?
Dinggin, puso'y sumasamo, sinusumpa sa 'yo
Ikaw ang tanging dalangin ko

Ang pag-ibig ko'y alay sa 'yo lamang
Kung kaya, giliw, dapat mong malaman