Moods #17

 

Some random thoughts after waking up from afternoon nap

How to not become a sponge?

Unspeakable pain

Pain as deep as the ocean

Wide, and it keeps on getting wider

I am hopelessly at the bottom

And of course the bottom keeps on disintegrating

So I fall helplessly down

Just like in the movies when the characters

accidentally fall from a rabbit hole

Much like Alice in Wonderland

only I don't fall in a weird solid place

I am just suspended somewhere in the huge ocean

Definitely not on the surface

But nowhere near the bottom

As the bottom keeps on endlessly disappearing

Disintegrating

Just quitting to be solid

Melting

Liquefying

Everything is turning to dust, then dirt

Then nothingness

It is a weird feeling

Utter loneliness

Can't touch anything

Everything seems to turn into shadow

the shapes morphed into indescribable angles

Until there is no essence anymore

It is not just darkness anymore

It is becoming nothingness

Just a shadow

It was once a solid as you touched it

Then when you look back, there is just emptiness

Everything registers as sound, the proof of existence is in their vibration

The eyes can only catch the play of lights on the object

but the sound and vibration cannot be eliminated from the essence

There is still existence but they become invisible because the light cannot reflect them

And why do these things want to become invisible?

Or are these things showing me a different way of looking at them?

Why? 

Is there a new reality?

What for?

Why do I have these questions?

Why is this happening?

Moods #16

 

Are you going there too?

Grief, such deep sorrow
Sometimes it is so deep, it makes me want to just pack up and go back up where it is safer and brighter

But grief is a part of me, it is not something I can cut from myself and throw away

It's been here with me since I learned to think about my thinking process

It's been here with me since I cried my first tears

It's been here with me since I breathed in the moist air

It's been here with me since my first heartbeat

Grief is the twin emotion of all my other emotions

for example

I am happy, but therein lies grief at the other end of the smile

I am fulfilled, but at the other side, grief is just waiting to spring up again

I am validated, but grief is just stepping up its own game 

I am so alive, but the smell of grief is there just like how death can penetrate even the tightest of lids

but interestingly, what is grief's twin emotion?

When I am grieving, do I feel grief in the shadow?

When I am in deep sorrow, do I sense grief around the corner?

When I am sharply pained, is grief going to be the other end?

It's difficult to say

but right now, it seems grief is all enveloping 

somehow whole on its own

dark and inescapable

Is there salvation from grief?

Or is grief the major theme of my life?

But in darkness, I continue to walk, clutching faith tighter in my heart

I continue walking in the universe of grief.

Interchange #44

Ang katulad mong walang katulad | Orange and Lemons

Di-nial na ang lahat ng numero

Sa telepono kong antigo

Hawak ang pag-asang

Sa wakas makausap ko na

Ang katulad mong walang katulad