The truth of the moment

I am committed to RESEARCH.

Reality is sleeping

The lessons are like waves after waves, so hard to make them concrete inside my head, they just appear, made themselves clear and known and noted, and then I will feel so appalled and then if I check back they’re no more. They are fleeting, but true, at least for a fraction of a second.

So hurting is like that for me right now. Fraction of a second, they appear then they’re gone. Hard to hold on to them, my analytic self is really frustrated, for wanting to stand on a solid ground of realisation and conclusion, I was instead left with fleeting images, fleeting realisations, fleeting truths and fleeting guilt. Life is so ungraspable, up to the last fraction of a second.

As of now, the only truth is music and poetry and rhythm. I don’t believe in anything anymore. Reality is sleeping. And it makes me so uneasy. I still believe in my Master because she alone can blend some realities and some dreams/teachings/theories. Truth is hard to come by, truth is fleeting, truth is hiding from us, we are instead left with illusions and in the dark. I pray for the glimpse of truth in this great big darkness all around us. It is a very critical moment for all of us here on earth now. We must give rise to compassion and light and warmth in our hearts, it is our only hope.

This chirping lullaby, brings my little dreams to life, in my sanctuary I become a child. Goodnyt - Barbie Almalbis

Diligently learn. Give all. Be all. Let it be. Just learn. Learn without fail. At the corner, in the near future we will be asked to live our duty – to break what was and build with new love and compassion. Such is life. Such is the utter reality of life. Though I know reality is sleeping right now. It will continue to sleep until we learn to wake it up in our hearts, in our minds, in our souls. We should be alert all the time. It is our duty as we live here on earth. Don’t slumber. Remain awake, remain open minded, remain gentle, remain in love and remain having compassion. It is time to be fully awake.

I am playing with this thought all day:

What is the gift of feminine soul without the complementary gifts of the mysteries of a man’s soul?

~You gain strength, courage and confidence in every experience in which you really stop
to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through
this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. 
You must do the thingyou think you cannot do~
Eleanor Roosevelt

Waiting for the ship that I am going to sail

As my day unfolds, I realize that too much madness is floating around me. I let go of all the notion that my life is in order. It is not. It is crazy, chaotic and yes, it is out of control. I accepted it after hours of battling with myself. My whole world is caught up in a tremendous wave, I can’t help but just be carried away. i keep telling myself that the big bang theory states that the universe is borne out of chaos, of massive explosions, of unimaginable all consuming fire coming from bodies colliding with each other. Yes, the world is really borne out of chaos, and this is what’s happening now at the other side of the fence. Something is being born. It is the positive side of madness. Somewhere in this so huge shake up, a world is getting molded, prepared, sculpted and polished. I imagine this world to be a ship that can sail the vast oceans. And that ship is especially being born for me. Maybe I am the captain that will soon board that ship. The ship that I will command. A captain that is determined and compassionate enough to safely sail the wide seas. Of course, I should train wholeheartedly and willingly to be a responsible captain. So I will treat my challenges now as my ultimate training to be a good ship captain.


Maybe my ship is on the way. It will come ashore soon and I will be the one to take the role of stirring controlling it. In the mean time, I must be diligent in overcoming all the hardships.


Survival is the second law of life, the first is we are all one. ~ Joseph Campbell
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

~ We can't direct the wind but we can adjust the sail ~ 

Full moon taking stock and readjustment (nth time, part of infinite series)

Have been down and out during this full moon phase, that I have conveniently let go of any intentions to clean and organise my things in my dorm. How bad is that? How bad is it that I have been very neglectful of my plans and to do list? What is happening? My Teacher will definitely be wary about it. Am so frustrated, three weeks behind paper works and I need to submit this paper on Thursday. Tell me about being diligent when it is hard to open my eyes in the morning and concentrate on my classes. What the . . . I thought I am diligent and all thanks a lot to my immaturity, welcome to the hell of unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished to do lists. It’s been so long since the last time I was here.  I might stay awhile, though I know I can reverse the situation if I get my act together right away. I need to get out of this place right away.

This is how it works . . . none of them worked home. You prayed you won’t get harmed, but even if it does you will do it all again. (On the radio, Regina Spektor)

Things I learned from the last relationship are what I am practicing now in my present, but I know I have to learn a lot. Apparently, everyone is feeling a little weird this week, or am just hoping am not alone at all. My energy is waning, my ability to concentrate is suffering, my dreams are dissolving and my financial budget is non-existent at all. Thank you very much for stability and security that I’ve dreamt of each and every step of the way. WELCOME TO DISSOLVING VILLE WHERE EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH IS JUST AN ILLUSION.

So what now? Am not sure either, I read in a blog somewhere that I have to work with the energies, not fight them. If the waves took me here, then it must be where I should be. I should stop thinking and wishing for something better. I should start my Compassion Plan where everything is less (because less is more)

COMPASSION PLAN (for everyday lifestyle) SELF and OTHERS

1. Wake up 4:30am to plan, pray and write my dreams and to do list for the day.

2. Be 80% full every meal time.

3. Practice tolerance without fail, every single moment.

4. Sleep around 12 midnight. Write what I fulfilled and balance it with my original plan*. LEARN ACCEPTANCE. The road to learning acceptance is to learn to accept myself first. Perfection is not attainable, we can try though, but keeping close to the path of life that I chose is more important now.

*Be happy if one plan was accomplished. Two is excellent. Three is too much.

**The key is to edit every single day. Edit without fail. Try without fail. Recognise wisdom. Learn humility every single moment. BE MINDFUL EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

I need structure right now, but am sure it’s not the most solid of structures if I start building now. Things need to be reviewed, revised, reassessed and reconsidered. Writing is editing as said by my good teacher, Armando Lao, as with life, we have to keep on living and learning. Learning is the editing part, very difficult, we must be diligent. We must keep learning, slow and steady to integrate the knowledge. Keep faith. Keep on writing. Keep on living. Keep on trying every single moment. And if in case what happens is the opposite of what I dreamt of and planned for, I have plenty of space for adjustments. After all I am a student of life; I have my whole lifetime to learn.

Praying for inner peace

These two loving pandas keep running in my mind all day. Affection is the great medicine in this lonely and difficult time. Here are some kind words from the Dalai Lama about relationships.

“The way to change others' minds is with affection, and not anger.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“Compassion is the radicalism of our time.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“Because we all share this planet earth, we have to learn to live in harmony and peace with each other and with nature. This is not just a dream, but a necessity.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“Inner peace is the key: if you have inner peace, the external problems do not affect your deep sense of peace and tranquility...without this inner peace, no matter how comfortable your life is materially, you may still be worried, disturbed, or unhappy because of circumstances.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“Hard times build determination and inner strength. Through them we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger. Instead of getting angry nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

“Look at children. Of course they may quarrel, but generally speaking they do not harbor ill feelings as much or as long as adults do. Most adults have the advantage of education over children, but what is the use of an education if they show a big smile while hiding negative feelings deep inside? Children don’t usually act in such a manner. If they feel angry with someone, they express it, and then it is finished. They can still play with that person the following day.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Tonight is a sad night

The first five lines of this song made me sane and grounded today though. Thanks Smashing Pumpkins. Leaving a piece of youth, is like leaving what's familiar, what's safe, what's stable. And to be scared is the least of what one will feel. My life is changing. Fast. Furious. Yes. Very much. It's like the past is disappearing, mmm, fading. And i cannot do anything about it. It just is. I cannot dwell too much, else I'll be breaking down in tears. 

So, I console myself by listening to this wonderful song. I guess it never hurts to liken this hurting to transition from youth to adulthood. It's very painful. But I believe it has a higher reason. Faith is the key to all of these. Faith heals the weary soul. It sparks hope and starts the process of recuperation. My body needs to heal. My heart needs to heal. My soul needs to heal. Tonight, I will shower myself with love and attention from my family. I will try to heal myself with their nurturing and care. I believe have come to the right place. Time to heal and rest my tired soul. So everyone, I hope you keep faith in your heart, it is the light that will guide us through the dark times.

TONIGHT TONIGHT
Smashing Pumpkins


Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight

A letter to my old self

An old diary entry.

Dear Old Self,

Alam kong malaki at malawak ang struggle mo bilang 'old self' andyan yung high school, andyan yung family pressure, andyan yung college life -- fitting in, wanting to do your best everytime, to make and keep friends -- mga usual issues ng buhay mo. Saksi ako sa lahat ng nangyari sa iyo, sa mga pinagdaanan mo sa college, worry sa mga subject, learning to do financial budgetting, sa pa-iba-ibang bahay, sa lolo na may sakit, sa thesis, sa first love, sa first heartbreak, sa mga frustrations at pagkilala sa limitations mo bilang tao, wag ka mag-alala, kasama mo ako sa mga parteng mahirap sa buhay mo.
Ngayon eto na yung last goodbye ko sa iyo. Kasi masyado na matagal ang nilagi mo sa unconscious part ng buhay at utak ko. Kailangan mo nang umalis at magpaalam dahil you ran your course na and you fulfilled your time na. Medyo matagal ang inilagi mo sa buhay ko at medyo may ilan pang parte na dapat isara sa iyo -- para tuluyan akong lumaya. Masasabi kong malaki ang naiambag mo sa pagkatao ko ngayon pero hanggang doon na lang iyon -- hindi ka na makakapagdikta sa mga gagawin ko sa buhay simula ngayon dahil lumipas na ang oras mo. Magpahinga ka na.
Ayon naman sa thesis na ginawa mo, sobrang lalim ng pinanggalingan mo old self -- sobrang depressive at mabigat. Pero wag kang mag-alala naiintindihan kita. Alam kong mumultuhin mo na naman ako sa konsensya at panaginip ko, pero hanggang ganoon ka na lang -- multo ka na lang -- walang kakayahang makaramdam at makapagdesisyon. Malalim ka 'old self' at alam kong gusto mong gumawa ng 'impression' -- actually magaling ka, saludo ako sa iyo, honest, deep and pure. Pero kahit alam nating ganoon ka kagaling, may kakulangan ka pa rin -- ang iyong kakayahang makipagkomunikasyon -- natutunan ko iyan habang binubuo ko ang bagong sarili sa ilalim ng aking Buddhist Master. Tinuruan niya akong masaktan, magpahayag ng nararamdaman, magmahal at maging compassionate.
May malalim man akong sugat, mayroon din naman akong mataas na hangaring makatulong at magbigay ng matatag na pag-ibig sa mga tao. Marami pa akong matututunan bilang bagong Joyce -- pero mas gusto ko munang pasalamatan ka, 'old self' dahil sa mga tinuro mo sa aking wisdom at experiences. Dahil sa iyo, alam ko na ang halaga ng pag-ibig, pag-alaga sa kaibigan, katrabaho, kaklase at kapartner. Dahil sa iyo pinapahalagahan ko ng mabuti ang oras, dahil sa iyo, nakilala ko ang aking Dakilang Guro -- ang pinakamahalaga mong regalo sa akin. Kahit sobrang lalim ng kalungkutan mo, mataas naman ang idinulot mong kaligayahan sa disiplinang dinisenyo mo na ipinagpapatuloy ko ngayon sa aking buhay.
Alam nating ang limitasyon mo sa pagpapahayag ng sarili ang naging malaking problema sa pagfulfill ng mga obligasyon mo sa academics. Hindi man ako kasing galing mo sa paglikha, hayaan mong maging tulay ako at ang aking mga salita para mas maintindihan ng ibang tao ang gusto mong iparating sa kanila. Marahil ang maturity na hinihintay mo dati ay hindi talaga para sa iyo, dumating ito sa panahon ng new self, sa panahon ko, kaya ako na lamang ang magpapatuloy ng iyong mga mahahalagang legacy.
Paalam na ito. Mahal kita. Magkaiba man tayo ng pupuntahan, bibisitahin pa rin kita sa aking panaginip at pag-iisa. Parte ka ng buhay ko. Mananatili ka sa aking alaala. Ito ay pamamaalam, selebrasyon at paglaya mula sa mga pagkagapos na nirupok na nang panahon. Para sa iyo 'old self', salamat at paalam.