This day again

You do something to me that I can't explain

So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you

~ Incubus, I miss you ~

Word of the cycle: Intimacy

Anatomy of non-intimacy

My story started in the deep recesses of childhood experiences. I feel I was not really comfortable with intimacy, deep deep down, sadly. I have no idea which experiences inform me of this conclusion, but I know I am not someone raised in a household holding a safe space for intimate moments be it emotional intimacy or communication/revelation intimacy or openness.

As defined in most of the search engines I have researched: Intimacy is a sense of closeness and connection that transcends physical contact and may bring emotional, mental, and spiritual understanding to any relationship – PsychCentral.com, well if it is the definition then definitely mine is the opposite, non-intimacy.

I was raised in a house where talking about deep feelings were not allowed. We just let feelings slide, we just keep the surface harmony govern us so we don’t have to deal with the messy, dirty, intense and ultimately destabilizing emotions crack our sense of peace. The fragile and vulnerable surface illusion of quietness branding as peace became our go-to band-aid solutions to many deep questions during puberty and teenage-years.

I was interrupted by sleep so I am starting this blog entry again the following day, which is today, April 24, 2025.

Okay, going for the title anatomy, this entry was originally intended to be published in February 2025, but life happened, work and life interrupted so I was not able to write any publish-worthy materials, all my stuff are written in analog diaries and journals, too dark for anybody to read, so it remained in my journals for my eyes only.

Not that this month and this day is in any way bright and shiny and light, I am just going for the discipline of publishing something for this blog, because this blog has been my faithful digital repository for so many years now and I would wish to continue to nurture it as I am nurtured by it as years go by and by. As I am gathering more years in my life, I continue to be more aware of darkness around me, as light and dark are really intertwined, they can never be separated. Each one defines the other. So in times of darkness, I try to re-read my entries here, my thoughts years and even a decade ago, some of them very naive, some of them dark, but most of them true and genuine in that moment in time. Maybe this blog is where I get to deposit my need for intimacy, for intimate revelations, for intimate display of vulnerability and intimate display of weaknesses, for as they say, writing is a form of soul-cleansing, I still believe it, hence I am still trying to maintain this little corner to do some cleaning, spiritually and mentally.

Maybe my need to be intimate with another person is so overwhelming that when I finally think I found someone, I get scared and I sabotage it. Or maybe I am not cut-out to be intimate with another. One on one interaction and intimacy is rare because acceptance and commitment and love are all rare. They are not easy to bestow on ourselves, much more to others. There are many moments of self-doubt, countless moments when self-commitment haunt me, I can't even try to be accepting and committed to my own self-revelation without hesitance and resistance, how can I offer them to others?

Non-intimacy then is something that is first in me, myself. Self-intimacy is something that I haven't permitted myself to feel. I edit myself. I audit myself. I resist the flow of self-revelation to guard my own sanity. I have a lot of corners in my own body and spirit and soul that I haven't shine light upon. Many shadows still linger inside me both disturbing and bothering me, some of them I know intimately, some of them still there un-provoked, un-awakened, some of them somehow awake but just alert and in the dark shadows, ready to pounce when feel threatened.

Self-examination is difficult but it is part of shadow work. Intimacy is part of shadow work. I need to dig deeper within myself to recognize more of me, to somehow try to be intimate with my own self and own soul.