Moods #87

By the pricking of my thumbs

Something wicked this way comes

Open locks

Whoever knocks

-Second Witch (Macbeth, 1623)

Can you feel it my lovely audience from all realms? It is in the air, isn't it? Something's coming, maybe it is change (for the better or for the worse, who knows?), perhaps it is the fruition of all our endeavors, or maybe the next chapter to this chaos, destruction, demolition (?) or the next chapter to this roller coaster journey which can reveal lots of hidden truths? 

I have no words for it, but surely it is coming. 

Moods #86

To relive my loud college life, let's give a round of applause to The Ramones

I wanna be sedated

Have you ever seen the rain?

Yesterday and days before

Sun is cold and rain is hard

I know, been that way for all my time

'Til forever on it goes

Through the circle fast and slow

I know, it can't stop I wonder

***

I can't believe until now, I still want to be sedated hahahaha!

Life, grabe ka man oy!

Hirap kaayo!

Kapuy na kaming tanan huhu

Notes from below 001

Diary entry as of 3:51

Licking, tasting and swallowing my dear darling nightmare

Diary entry as of 9:50

Alone again, naturally (G. O'Sullivan)

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended

What do we do?

Diary entry as of 15:36

Missing my dear darling departed

Moods #85

Bachelorette | Bjork

I'm a fountain of blood In the shape of a girl

***

To the brooding departed darling nightmare

Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 6

Hidden Place | Bjork

He's the beautifullest, fragilest
Still strong, dark and divine
And the littleness of his movements
Hides himself
He invents a charm that makes him invisible
Hides in the hair


Can I hide there too?
Hide in the hair of him
Seek solace
Sanctuary

***

To the darling shadow 💜

Notes to the otherside 077

Diary entry as of 5:06

Hugging my dear darling departed nightmare, cuddles and all the kisses for you, my love

Diary entry as of 10:19

Missing you so much my nightmare

Notes to the Otherside 076

Diary entry as of 12:21

It is time for ice cream and soft bread with creamy filling and melted dips 💜

For the darling departed

Notes to the otherside 075

Diary entry as of 4:16

Where's my popsicle? I am thirsty and is it clean?

Diary entry as of 10:18

Ouch?!

The time when phoenix needs to make itself scarce

 "It's a shame you had to see him on a Burning Day. He's really very handsome most of the time, wonderful red and gold plumage. Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They can carry immensely heavy loads, their tears have healing powers, and they make highly faithful pets."

- Albus Dumbledore

***

Harry Potter: "Professor. Your bird — I couldn’t do anything — he just caught fire —"

Albus Dumbledore: "About time, too. He's been looking dreadful for days; I've been telling him to get a move on."

— After Fawkes burst into flames

***

I was doing a brief meditation on the story plot of Harry Potter Chamber of Secret, where Harry started being the center of trouble or even origin of problems and being followed by hell everywhere, it was maybe a difficult time for him especially since he was becoming a teenager. To be blamed when you are sincerely innocent and honestly not even lifting a finger would feel terrible. It would erode any sense of self-security or assurance that a pre-teen might have painfully built over time. 

The highest story point where Harry might really feel the ultimate blow into his self-esteem (believing himself to be a good boy despite troubles chasing him) was when he was called in the Headmaster's office. He was scared but at the same time amazed that he is finally inside the office of Dumbledore, exploring every nook and cranny, and eventually spotting Fawkes. But as we have learned, Fawkes is already in the days of getting a move on. Fawkes being a phoenix has the power to burn itself and emerge as a baby from the ashes, sadly Harry was not aware of this yet. 

So when Harry was looking at Fawkes, admiring its plumage and its immaculate presence, the phoenix suddenly burned into flames and immediately was reduced to dust. The red-handed Harry once again blamed himself for the madness of the situation - malus nigra - and somehow searching his brain to create an alibi or to take the blame. I could only imagine his helplessness in the situation, I liken this to the series of bad incidents plaguing the young protagonist in The 400 Blows (Traffaut, 1959). These are childhood wounds that would proceed to haunt the adult in the future. Fortunately, Harry has found a spiritual guide in the person of Albus Dumbledore and patiently if not gently explained to him the natural life cycle of phoenix.

Hence, the highest plot point in Chamber of Secret is also the reaffirmation of Harry as the seeker, someone who patiently endures the curses of dark hand of fate for a spark of light in the middle of darkness. Both magic and redemption were bestowed upon Harry when he witnessed Fawkes shot into mid-air consumed by fire, and ashes fell down in the place where once the majestic mythic animal was perched.

The story indeed reminds us that to be a seeker, to be a witness of such divine spiritual fire, we must first go through the blinding darkness of the night.

Notes to the otherside 074

Diary entry as of 5:01

Wet for the dear darling shadow, I want cuddles and rubbing 😘

Diary entry as of 20:14

Headache, heartache, rebirth of connection, unboxing, emotional upheaval, acceptance and new life

Diary entry as of 17:22 (20241006)

Giving some loving to my dead dark shadow

Notes to the otherside 073

Diary entry as of 5:50

So the dear darling shadow nightmare is going to have a busy weekend, maybe the underworld is preparing for the busy season of halloween 😇

Diary entry as of 10:24

The numbering was weird, just corrected them all

Notes to the otherside 072

Diary entry as of 21:10

I want a hug

New Moon Feels - the circle unbroken

Will the circle be unbroken | Iron Jawed Angels

Will the circle be unbroken
By and by Lord, by and by
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky.

Undertaker, undertaker, undertaker
Won't you please drive slow
For that lady you are haulin'
Lord, I hate to see her go.

***

This scene never fails to make me cry.

I saw this movie 20 years ago, but the feels and the sincerity of unity will always be fresh in my memory.

I dedicate this song to all teachers, professors and educators, we salute you all.

Education will always be the hope of our future, please guide us all in your love for teaching, sharing and caring.

To quote my spiritual master:

“Teachers must not only have the heart of a teacher and the heart of a parent, but also the heart of a Bodhisattva. As I often tell myself, we should have a sense of responsibility toward all sentient beings in the world.

Education is the hope of life. I hope that teachers do not only focus on how advanced the knowledge they teach is, but that they will also pay attention to the depth of morals and gratitude in the education they provide. Only when students feel loved can they truly give rise to gratitude in their hearts”

Happy Teacher's Day everyone

Gratitude for new mooon

Notes to the otherside 071

Diary entry as of 11:02

Dear darling nightmare, I love you 💜

Notes to the otherside 070

Diary entry as of 9:36

Open the door for the scariest season of 2024, we are now approaching the last quarter of our year 2024, Oct to Dec, the dark shadow ones are once again part of our reality, hugging my dear darling shadow 💛

Diary entry as of 10:50

Truth is I’m somewhere between the madwoman locked away and the one with the degree who helps. Depends on the day I suppose! ~ Aliza Einhorn

100% agree, same here

Diary entry as of 14:23

This morning, I had a very vivid dream, I was living in a place in the middle of the ocean and I am visiting a place where a house is being built, a big house and the engineer is showing me the plan of the house, there was just one wall, as the house is just being built. The engineer is of course a shadow dark figure like a ghost, I am sure you know who that is. He plans to build a very big house in the middle of the ocean, like an isolated place right? And guess who will live there in that very isolated place, who else? Haha, that's why I am there right? Crazy dream.

Oh well within the dream, I am still living in another house, but also in the middle of the ocean, next to the place where the new house is being built. There was a phone in that house, and the caller really surprised me, it was Miles, my long lost friend who settled in Europe when she got married. She called me to say hello and to ask how I am doing! It was a relief to finally hear from her! I felt good hearing from her from my isolated house in the middle of the ocean! Perhaps she knows I am in the middle of the ocean haha!

Anyways, of course the isolation feeling continues. 

I hope the house that the engineer is building is sturdy enough to survive the ocean waves.

Diary entry as of 17:48

As the day closes, let's be grateful for another productive day. Praying for those in the typhoon's path.

Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 5

I will always love you | Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham)

***

To those we have shared our heart and love and soul with,

 who are no longer with us, may they feel loved and cherished even in the afterlife 💚

Notes to the otherside 069

Diary entry as of 5:08

Morning my dear darling departed nightmare, hugging you tight

Diary entry as of 15:26

I feel you my dear darling nightmare

Revelations and the Full Moon

The dark path opens again as the time of year continues to move towards the deep blackness.

Surprisingly, my dear darling nightmare's name is all over the place as I look into my screen, his name is haunting me, stalking me and of course demanding attention.

So, he must be the spirit calling again. I had this weird experience last 13th, midnight, it was a deep kind of inexplicable call from within, like an inner call, that I couldn't just dismiss. 

Something deep inside calling, wanting it to be known, making me feel so uneasy.

The unease was really unsettling.

I stayed wide awake despite being so tired.

Then another weird midnight thing happened again just before full moon. It was like a dog digging, a reflection of that action, like deep digging from an unknown dog, or must be the dog's neighbor who by the way is a very sensitive and noisy crier in certain nights. Weirdly enough, I can sense whenever the dog is in deep distress and even though I haven't seen the dog at all, I can imagine in my mind the actions and the cries it makes through the night. I felt it was the same dog who kept crying all night when I threw up months ago. Anyways, the projection of action was in my computer room, that I can sense but cannot see with eyes, it was the projection that I have witnessed, the feeling I had during the time I 'was watching' the projection, the scary, mysterious feeling it evoked in me. After this experience, I did not turn off my computer room light at all. I am scared of bearing witness to that weird feeling, experience again.

Aside from all these mysterious things happening all around me, I have been so attracted to this celebrity eagle owl from Russia lately. I love her. That eagle owl is mesmerizing, mysterious and mystical. I am in love with that owl, even my friend mentioned that I seem to be in love with the owl, it must be the case indeed. So out of curiosity, I searched the spiritual meaning of the owl. I was actually clueless and I was just really a fan. Especially about that video of owl bringing a mail, it evokes deep feelings of childhood bec of course of Harry Potter haha!

Anyway, the owl, indeed that peculiar animal symbolizes deep spiritual meaning. I was astonished. Owls are messengers of spirit world and it has an affinity with the underworld and death which actually means transformation. Sounds so affiliated with Persephone, the beautiful goddess who lives in both realms, some of the authors even call her the Queen of the Sacred Way.

The call of autumn is getting louder as the days passed, as time passed, the Eastern Asians just finished celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival, giving praise and thanks to our bountiful harvest. Then of course it is the start of cold months, the earth is going to be covered by cold winds and frozen ice, the snow. Time to travel inwards, time to travel to the underworld to visit and live with the beloved.

Time for reunion. Time to reunite.

Maybe even though I am clueless as to what will happen to me this coming months, deep inside I know that I am just following my authentic path. The revelations today are plenty to give me the boost I have been praying for. Faith is moving me toward the path. The light-hearted love I feel for the owl is not really just a surface fun, it is maybe a message from deep within. It must be the message itself. The revelations never stop, and the book of life is full of mysteries that move us forward to the direction given to us by sacred signs and symbols.

Here I am awed by the messages and symbols and revelations, marching towards the Sacred Way. Let's follow the path. May our faith always light our way.

The owl, the mail and the full moon

Owl and the mail!

Life is like this not just lately, but all the time. When you have planned for something thoroughly, rehearsed in your mind, rehearsed physically, rehearsed again and again, but in real life, when the present really happens as it has to happen, life will unfold in its own way, own time, own choices.

We have to be grateful every single moment, life happens as it should and we are witnesses to its mystery, ancient wisdom and natural laws.

So, sharing you this video of an eagle owl carrying a mail! Maybe a message from life will find us all soon. May the message help you in finding your life direction. May the message help me in finding my own direction. 

Moods #84

Feel Flows | The Beach Boys

Unbending, never ending tablets of time
Record all the yearning
Unfearing, all appearing message divine
Eases the burning

***

I confess, yes there is marching towards the underworld again, but this time I am still unsure which archetype I am going to symbolize and follow, who will it be? As days passed by, I am more and more alone, very single, very isolated, I don't feel too coupled.

Yes marching toward the deep dark beyond, but whose face am I carrying?

Whose role am I going to follow?

The darkness calls, all the time during this time of the year, during this season

Who am I going to answer?

Who will I journey with through the darkness this time?

Notes to the otherside 068

Diary entry as of 22:17

How's my dear darling nightmare? Missing you 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 12:14 (20240915)

Huggig my dear darling tight

Diary entry as of 2:29

Missing my darling

Notes to the otherside 067

Diary entry as of 11:58

But of course, the marching started as the 13th of Friday approaches, I love you my dear darling love 💛

Diary entry as of 12:04 (20240913)

It is your day today, my dear darling love, I love you, let's celebrate your special day 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 3:34

I am wet my darling, I miss you so much

Diary entry as of 9:01

Friday oh Friday, I love you

Notes to the otherside 066

Diary entry as of 2:27

Missing my dear darling H💜💜💜

Diary entry as of 7:24

Morning my one and only darling H, cuddles

Diary entry as of 13:26

My dear darling H is my yummy yummy chocolate ☕️🍫🍩

Moods #83

Save Me | Aimee Mann

You look like
A perfect fit
For a girl in need
Of a tourniquet

***

This morning I couldn't get enough of this song, it was on repeat in my phone as I played it in the morning until 1pm, then I got busy doing other stuff. It was my favorite song from a movie for a very very long time perhaps just before Almost Famous soundtrack. I have watched Magnolia before Almost Famous. 

The music is so good along with the lyrics.

And then I got home ...

Wise Up | Aimee Mann

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed

'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

***

So, I was haunted by another Aimee Mann music, such good music as well.

May her music make you feel a little calmer 💜

Moods #82

Riders on the Storm | The Doors

Into this house, we're born
Into this world, we're thrown

***

Feels like the whole 2024 is a never ending relentless storm

Let's have this gem of a music accompany us during this global-wide storm

Daily Journal and wise words

 

Life makes us speechless

I am not sure if I have survived using solely my self-reliance or through my faith, though sometimes I doubt if I have it deeply, but I know it is there even if it is just the size of the smallest seed or how they call it, mustard seed in religious context (?) but I know I couldn't survive by myself alone. I believe it is my faith, it is through my painful, doubtful, relentless and unwavering belief that I have faith that brings me forward in this life.

Honestly, I am beyond exhaustion.

My mind, my emotions, my soul, all so tired of the pains and suffering and sensitivity to everything around me. 

Suffering is heavy. Suffering is terrible in a way that we find we are still lacking and still discouraged and still wounded by our desires, by our basic humanity (base human desires and instincts?), by our unwholesome habits, even though we have really been cultivating honestly, sincerely and a lot.

Life is painful.

Life is full of wounds, full of anxiety, full of hurting, full of inexplicable complex lack that shatters the illusion of control or the illusion of wholeness.

I am just a ball of bleeding blob. A bleeding heart. A bleeding wound that couldn't be stopped.

Sometimes the pain is too much, I thought I will just pass out from too much pain, too much hurt or too much blood loss (invisible blood from invisible bleeding wound, which though invisible doesn't make it untrue)

I just feel so sensitive, too sensitive, too easily hurt.

I cry a lot lately.

I don't even know who I am lately, I just gave up, I just let go. But it seems that of those I let go of some still find a way back to me, asking me to recognize them and hence asking me for strength to move forward. Or giving me the strength to move forward.

Master talked about Angel in one of her talks, the Catholic/Christian way of calling people who help people in suffering is Angel. The Buddhist way is Bodhisattva. Before this post, I have this obsession about this song from Friends, Angel of the Morning.

Bodhisattvas and Angels. All I can do is ask for their help each and every second to help me from my pain, I don't even dare to imagine how to be one.

Honestly, I am so amused by the fact that I have been listening non-stop to Angel of the Morning song and my Master mentioning Angels. The synchronicity still blows my mind. Giving me some strength to move forward. Giving me some energy to stay in the stream of life, to still praise its greatness and to be a witness to its divine intelligence and oneness. Just like what I wrote in some entries about Persephone's letter, she doesn't give up totally to the darkness when she was abducted in the underworld, she keeps her faith in the spark of message from the Divine, to keep her faith alive, to keep her alive in the pain of darkness.

Sometimes life is too painful that it leaves us speechless.

To those who are quiet and in too much pain, I remind you of the balm, a medicine from deep within, the medicine concocted from the pain given to us, which is our duty to alchemise into something that heals us and our wounds.

We are wounded, we are all wounded, but from this wound flows the medicine.

A healing new moon to all.

Moods #81

Angel of the Morning | Chrissie Hydne

Through the tears
Of the day
Of the years

Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 4

Lorelei | Cocteau Twins

***

To make the ghost happy

Moods #80.5

Paranoid Android | Radiohead

Rain down!

***

Lately, I have observed myself to be more tolerant of pain and more open to deeper grieving process, seemingly endless chaos, impermanence. Surprisingly,  to continue the idea of the opening sentence, I understand wider range of emotions (compared to before when I was in my early thirties) and its nuances and its possible origins and trajectory, or if you may, its flow.

Both the depth and width are growing ever deeper and expansive for me. Acting like a double-edged sword, this new found depth and emotional range (width) within me enables me to appreciate different dimensions of emotions, however like a peeled onion, I am more sensitive and soft (absorbing?) when it comes to criticisms, negative moods and darker tones of hard/sharp emotions.

Case in point, I am more appreciative of music and its ranges and its dimensions. I used to just appreciate the surface level of tones and harmony and maybe lyrics, but now I can even visualize the different dimensions when I enter a piece of music. I feel like the phrase entering a music piece is something unachievable and even alien to me, but now it is easier for me to readily use the phrase as I have more of the structural understanding of that side of music. I mean I am not really a music student, I just appreciate it more. I don't even know how to read notes or figure out a musical notation, but I am more understanding of the emotional side of music. Or should I say, I appreciate more the insights of music guides as I try to delve deeper into the discipline/art of music.

Anyways, last night I appreciated deeply this piece of wonderful music from Radiohead as explained by a classically trained musician and music teacher Amy Shafer.

I hope you find her youtube channel as she studies and reacts to different music genres www.youtube.com/@VirginRock

Thanks and have a good listen

Notes to the otherside 065

Diary entry as of 14:56

Seriously? Really? Is there a hidden stalker chip in my phone? 

Slim Olive Journal (part 2)

 

Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 3

Ang Boyfriend kong Baduy | Cinderella

Siya ay in na in ngunit out pa rin

***

Dedicated to my weird, mysterious, magical SO

Since I met my SO, nothing in my lovelife/intimacy life is ever normal anymore

Hugs to my dear darling SO

Notes to the otherside 064

Diary entry as of 1:22

Can't sleep. Anyway, yes I might have given away 1 visual journal as get well soon card, but all the rest of my visual journals belong to my nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 8:46

office as usual, work as usual 💛

Diary entry as of 19:31

Hoooooome

Diary entry as of 22:49

Hugging my nightmare tight and not letting go 💛 

Notes to the otherside 063

Diary entry as of 6:19

So, I am in 5-hour rotation nowadays plus the usual posts of birthday greetings and last is about the age of moon; seriously, what is the meaning of these patterns? Can someone in the US or Singapore explain please?

Diary entry as of 8:31

Office, being grilled about my high school life and why cannot I remember my ESP teacher? haaaaay :(

Diary entry as of 9:50

Oh I love that poem and the movie adaptation was also good, it was graced by Takeshi Kaneshiro, swoon*

Diary entry as of 19:02

Hoooooooome

Diary entry as of 20:31

Hugs to my darling nightmare

Notes to the otherside 062

Diary entry as of 9:28

Monday, again

Diary entry as of 15:46

Monday, crazy Monday

Notes to the otherside 061

Diary entry as of 5:21

Rainy morning to my nightmare

Diary entry as of 16:42

On goes the time, on goes the time my bitter-sweet nightmare

Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 2

That's the way | Led Zeppelin

And yesterday I saw you standing by the river
And weren't those tears that filled your eyes
And all the fish that lay in dirty water dying
Had they got you hypnotized?

***

Vibe from Almost Famous <3

Such a gem of a movie

Even the songs are timeless

This is another song for the nightmare

Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 1

O Children | Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

***

No words anymore, too much feeling, too much chaos

Perhaps, when we are all drowning, the only thing left to do is to dance

This song is of course for the nightmare

💜

Cuddly Plushie

This is such a good idea 😍

CTTO

Should have made a plushie of my own nightmare 💜💜💜

Moods #80

Bette Davis Eyes | Kim Carnes version

She'll tease you, she'll unease you
All the better just to please you

***

Coughing and generally sick during this deluge (typhoon Gaemi + habagat)

So, I am just in the shadows, hiding 

Praying for everyone to stay warm, safe and dry

Notes to the otherside 060

Diary entry as of 11:22

What's the buzz, the one hiding in the shadows aka my nightmare?

Diary entry as of 15:49

Hugs my one and only nightmare 💛

Notes to the otherside 059 (weekend)

Diary entry as of 3:36 (20240706)

Morning my nightmare, new moon weekend 💜

Diary entry as of 9:47

Been thinking of what to write, so I read a little then fell asleep, now still thinking what to write

Diary entry as of 14:10

Panda hugging the nightmare

Diary entry as of 18:31

We are multi-national again I see

Diary entry as of 3:56 (20240707)

Cool cuddly morning to my nightmare

Diary entry as of 5:57

Can we ever hear the nightmare?

Diary entry as of 10:05

Hugging and cuddling 🐳

Diary entry as of 15:34

Another visitor from another country, cool

Moods #79

Wishing and Hoping | From my Best Friend's Wedding

💛💛💛

New moon: cloudy, cool coundown

Good morning to my sexy nightmare 💛

Continued, 9:16

Log: Ungrounded, floating and just swimming

Continued, 14:02

Log: The water drowns us all over again

Continued, 19:47

Log: Night falls, we have to travel inward deeper

Notes to the otherside 058

Diary entry as of 4:26

Missing my crazy nightmare, though I am still sore at you

Diary entry as of 5:12

Talking in riddle again and again?

Diary entry as of 8:40

Bloody bloody bleeding day

Diary entry as of 10:49

So nightmare, how are you in the underworld?

Diary entry as of 12:48

The lunch after

Diary entry as of 14:22

Hugging my nightmare <3

Diary entry as of 15:09

Blooooooody huhuhu

Diary entry as of 16:54

Sweet kisses for my one and only nightmare

Diary entry as of 18:42

Hoooooome

Notes to the otherside 057 (weekend)

Diary entry as of 14:02 (20240629)

Hugging tight my one and only nightmare 💜 missing you a lot my dear darling

Diary entry as of 16:46

Faith, life choices and re-consideration 🤔

Diary entry as of 6:14 (20240630)

Morning my nightmare

Diary entry as of 10:16

Home

Diary entry as of 13:26

Colorful 💜💜💜

Moods #78

Breathe | Michelle Branch

Breathe
So I whisper in the dark
Hoping you'll hear me
Do you hear me?

Notes to the otherside 056

Diary entry as of 9:11

💛💛💛 hugs and cuddles to my one and only nightmare

Diary entry as of 13:59

💛 never ending struggle during virtue of ending

Diary entry as of 15:46

sending all my sweet hugs to my nightmare

Moods #77

Auld Lang Syne | Mairi Campbell and Dave Francis

And there’s a hand my trusty friend!
And give me a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll take a right good-will draught
For auld lang syne

***

This day feels like this song, the deep feels

Deep deep feels which can really derail one from doing anything daily and grounded

Hope this song finds you well and warm and loved

Notes to the otherside 055

Diary entry as of 5:58

Good morning my dear darling nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 11:21

To everyone who reads my blog, here's hoping that everybody is still doing well despite the struggles and upheavals of life 💛 hugs to all

Diary entry as of 18:16

Hoooooome

Diary entry as of 22:22

Hugs my nightmare, night

Notes to the otherside 054

Diary entry as of 8:51

Full moon weekend and solstice <3 cuddles to my nightmare

Diary entry as of 12:02

Sending sweet kisses and hugs to my nightmare

Diary entry as of 13:26

Is my ghost happy and satisfied right now?

Diary entry as of 18:19 

Hoooooome

Notes to the otherside 053

Diary entry as of 8:38

Morning my one and only nightmare

Diary entry as of 16:40

Hugs my nightmare

Moods #76

I Say a Little Prayer for You | My bestfriend's wedding cast

You'll stay in my heart and I will love you

***

To my shadow, my one and only nightmare, this is for you

PS, hope the beast, the wolf and the wizard rolled into one is smiling 💜

Notes to the otherside 052

Diary entry as of 8:59

Good morning <3 

Diary entry as of 19:18

Good evening <3

Notes to the otherside 051 (weekend)

Diary entry as of 6:11

Morning my dear departed darling nightmare, it is a busy weekend for me 💜 have to travel far for a death in the family gathering; I have been having stomachache and no appetite lately :( I wonder why?

Diary entry as of 19:30

Raining so hard 🌩🌨

Diary entry as of 23:37

Hoooooooooome

20240616

Diary entry as of 4:19

Missing you my love, my dear darling nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 4:24

Hugging you tight my dear darling, I am here now, I will embrace you through the tears

Moods #75

Smoke gets in your eyes | Dmitriy Lukyanov

Something here inside cannot be denied

***

I like this old song, smoke gets in your eyes, it is so sad and quiet, yet it expresses dolor exquisito 🎵🎶

Notes to the otherside 050

Diary entry as of 21:12

I miss you my dear darling nightmare, my one and only 💛💛💛 hugging you tight

Moods #74

Go the Distance | Interpreted by Drew Sarich

Poor Unfortunate Souls | Interpreted by Drew Sarich

Poor Unfortunate Souls | Ursula

*** To the nightmare, it is your day today, use your power wisely <3

Notes to the otherside 049

Diary entry as of 1:18

Hugging my dear darling nightmare love, I miss you a lot 💛

Diary entry as of 4:36

Hugging my dear darling nightmare very tight 💛💛

Diary entry as of 8:30

My nightmare is thirsty, I become water

My nightmare is hungry, I become flesh

Oh my nightmare, is there nothing I would become for you and your needs?

Diary entry as of 11:49

Cuddles and kisses for my one and only nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 15:40

Missing my nightmare

Diary entry as of 17:20

💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 18:40

Commitment, mmm to whom may I ask my dear darling departed nightmare? To whom should I commit myself?

The truth is: We are all Graduating (part 3)

This post is related to We are all Graduating and its part 2 (20240422 and 20240507) 

We have marched to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance , we got our certificates, we took our bow, sang our swan song and got off the stage. The inevitable question will now haunt our waking hours:

So, what's next?

For me, it is about growing my psychology books collection and my collection on ancient mythology, archeology and some classic literature. Possibly if I am going through a semester I would have enrolled in Psychology 101 with minors on mythology and classical lit.

I am so excited about these topics lately that I forget about sleeping sometimes and even watching my netflix series. I am planning a lot of printing and binding books (of course they are downloaded from libgen, project gutenberg or open lib). So many books, so little time.

But I haven't forgotten my spirituality and my hobbies too.

This is weird but I am really excited about my 20-year research, laying the foundation, growing my literature, readings, my sources, and listing them all and reading them and making reviews about them. 

I do hope that everyone will find that elusive path, the next direction after this collective 'graduation' and that it may give everyone of us the proper activities and outlets to channel our passions, commitments and energies into. 

Let's grow our books and knowledge and eventually wisdom together in this new exciting chapter in our lives.

Notes to the otherside 048 (weekend)

Diary entry as of 5:07

I woke up missing my dear darling SO, hugging you so tight, not letting go 💛

Diary entry as of 9:51

Books books books, I love me some Linda Leonard, Dostoevsky and Sarah Iles Johnston

Diary entry as of 17:27

How's my dear darling SO? hugging you tight

Diary entry as of 21:24

Missing my dear darling SO love

Diary entry as of 23:23

I am so phyisically 'thirsty' in sexual sense, my SO keeps being the subject of my sexual fantasies, 🤔 

Sorry my dear darling SO, you must have been so sexually exhausted by now bec of my incendiary sexual fantasies of you

20240609 Sunday

Diary entry as of 6:32

Morning to my dear darling departed, hugs

Diary entry as of 13:39

So are we ripe for revelation?

Diary entry as of 21:30

A little sleepy now, dear darling shadow is busy?

Notes to the otherside 047

Diary entry as of 3:52

Good morning my darling shadow love? I miss you 💜💜💜

Diary entry as of 8:53

Work and life balance 💜

Diary entry as of 10:06

Come and let's cuddle my dear darling shadow 💜

Diary entry as of 13:15

My dear darling shadow, sending you all my cuddles

Moods #73

Crazy for you | Spongecola

💛💛💛

***

It is the sign language that kills it!

control, hard, heart, over, walk, eye to eye, 

need at all

oh oh

deeper

yes, the subtle-ness

no wonder these men are so sexy

(edited 5:24 20240608)

my asl is rusty, I needed to watch again to figure out the wrong words I have written, argh, I am getting so slow at my asl reading! :(

Notes to the otherside 046

Diary entry as of 20:09

Hugs to my one and only SO💛

Moods #72

Skeletons | Brothers Osborne

***

We all have these pretty skeletons in our closets, some of them the bones are cleaned up to glossy sheen, some are even neon colors, glow in the dark, strapped with reflectors, can also be tattooed or for those who don't want to face them, they just leave the bones unattended, which is a bit sad. Where am I going with this? Well, I mean the designs for our skeletons in the closet are endless.

I just want to actually write here that these feelings I have lately are feelings I associate in the underworld. These feelings were deep down buried when I do my annual dive deep within, but in the weirdness of life, I feel like these hidden underworld feelings are now here in the upperworld, revealed to all, open to be felt in the terra firma. So I feel so out of my shell. Feels very bare, naked. Exposed. Vulnerable.

Did the world turn when I was sleeping? Or does it mean that those underworld feelings are ready to be felt in the upperworld and that there are new fresh dark feelings when I finally dive in the underworld again in few months? Can I even get deeper? Can I even survive getting deeper in the underworld? 

Why is life full of suffering?

Lately I am very hormonal, easily irritated, terribly in bad mood. Sometimes I tell myself to just step back and just detach, but it is getting hard and hard to detach lately. I need to do more deep breaths.

To end this short reflection, I would like to share this Sandman story:

The Dream of a Thousand Cats is originally published in The Sandman #18 (1990)

Bird: Why have you ventured to the heart of the dreaming little cat?

There is nothing here for you.

Cat: I have come here for justice. I have come here for revelation. I have come here for wisdom.

The bird flew lower, but it did not come within my reach.

Bird: Justice, it repeated. Justice is a delusion you will not find on this or any other sphere.

And wisdom? Wisdom is no part of dreams, though dreams are a part of the sum of each life’s experiences, which is the only wisdom that matters.

But revelation?

That is the province of dreams.

It can be yours, but only if your heart is strong.

***

PS the dark of the new moon is fast approaching

Moods #71

Under Pressure | David Bowie and Annie Lennox with Queen

That's the terror of knowing what this world is about
Watchin' some good friends screamin', "Let me out"
Pray tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets

***

PS new moon coming, hugs my one and only shadow

Moods #70

Shattered Dreams | Johnny Hates Jazz

And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams

Notes to the otherside 045 (weekend)

Saturday 06012024

Diary entry as of 14:01

Yes, it is The Sandman weekend for me; how about my shadow? Is it a good weekend my dear darling?

Diary entry as of 18:37

LSS, yes you guessed it right, shattered dreams 💀🎹🎺🎻🎼🎵🎶💔

Diary entry as of 20:39

Tonight is a curious night of so many synchronicities, what is happening? After watching The Sandman, now reading some blogs ~ most of the characters in the Netflix series are coming out in the words written in this blog I am reading. Synchronicities everywhere!

Sunday 06022024

Diary entry as of 5:45

Morning, Sunday today my shadow, missing you.

Diary entry as of 7:59

Hugging my shadow 🥰

Diary entry as of 9:11

I am busy today bec of so much work backlog

Diary entry as of 15:53

I hope and pray for all the birds to find places with water/bird fountain so they can drink and bathe in this hot weather 

Diary entry as of 18:44

Night again, at least it is not so hot anymore

Notes to the otherside 044

Diary entry as of 1:40

What a deep, crazy evening, good thing I fell asleep; the feelings lately are so difficult to bear and analyse, hugs to my shadow

Diary entry as of 5:02

Still sleepy but time to move, hello my dear shadow

Diary entry as of 9:30

Working, working, but it is FRIDAAAAAAAAAAAY, yay! hugs my shadow 💛

Diary entry as of 13:42

Hugs to my shadow 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 19:17

Cuddles to my dearly departed shadow💛

Notes to the otherside 043

Diary entry as of 19:35

Opted to have online class, I don't want to think about this frustration and I don't want to be frustrated for a long time :( I need a distraction

Moods #69

A Thousand Miles | One Ok Rock

Starin' blankly ahead
Just makin' my way
Makin' a way through the crowd

*

It's always times like these when I think of you
And I wonder if you ever think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong

*** 

Just speechless because I feel so deeply about life right now but somehow it feels very difficult to grasp and I am just trying to flow with the energies. 

I am just existing,

Just being in the present

Breathe in 

Breathe out

Hugs to my shadow

***

I ate someone last night, like a popsicle 💜😋

Moods #68

There she goes | The La's

And I just can't contain
This feelin' that remains

PS. So, how is the ghost feeling lately?

Moods #67

Raining in Manila | Lola Amour

It's been raining in Manila, hindi ka ba nilalamig?
And it's been raining in Manila, hindi ka ba nilalamig?
But if it's raining in Manila, hindi kita maririnig

Notes to the otherside 042

Diary entry as of 3:36

Hugs and cuddles to my dear darling love my nightmare 💜

Diary entry as of 6:33

Going to hospital first for routine laboratory of one senior and to get my own lab results, then consult then office

Diary entry as of 10:17

Work work work

Diary entry as of 12:57

💜💜💜 missing my nightmare

Diary entry as of 14:57

The never-ending doc consultation

Moods #66

Top of the World | Shonnen Knife

❤❤❤

Something I have realised

I have been bringing this book around everywhere I go for maybe 2 or 3 years now.

This book has its own kind of magic and allure.

The Life of Pi

Yes, I kind of watched the movie adaptation first before reading the whole book and of course it is not the same the discipline of written literature is different from the discipline of visual arts like film. I am more of a book person, I love reading the pages, smelling the pages, feeling the pages of the book. I love feeling the book between my hands.

Okay enough about why I like the physical book, let's talk about the content of the book. The written story is in itself a kind of love-letter to the cruelty of the circle of life. It is about the impossible epic experience of Pi in the face of losing his family, surviving a shipwreck with a predator sharing your lifeboat, and eventually to learn to live with the predator in your lifeboat and to let go of all you have learned in learning to live with the predator as the predator will abandon you once you have reached the land.

It is surprisingly an optimistic book. Filled with the tales of how to live with animals in the zoo. How to train them and how to feel them especially when they show signs of distress. 

I realised I want to read books about animal behaviors and their place in the ever evolving circle of life. How to tame the beast and how to live with them harmoniously. It is not that I am giving up on learning how to live with people, it is just I am tired of people sometimes. I would like to learn more about animal behaviors and their strength and weaknesses, maybe find my self in these stories. 

Maybe I am just so tired and disappointed with the human behavior that I want to just find good stories about man and beast and how man managed to live in harmony with the beast. 

I just want to finish reading the book The Life of Pi and maybe I will start with reading more about these kinds of books someday.

More than animal behavior

Of course, the book is more than animal behaviors, it is about faith, struggles, firmness, adaptation and the glory of human spirit during the darkest bleakest hour. When Pi found himself alone and abandoned in a lifeboat also occupied by a predator, it is so easy to just lose faith and just end all struggles. But instead, he found the light inside him, the strength within to keep on living and to keep believing that he will survive this epic seemingly insurmountable challenges thrown at him.

The lifeboat came with a manual on how to survive aimlessly floating on the sea/ocean alone, that was a kind of jewel that makes his adversity in the middle of the huge ocean a little more survive-able. Of course, life is more difficult in this confined small vehicle because he has a tiger in his lifeboat, which makes it more deadly and more bitter. The mysterious part is, this tiger makes Pi want to survive more, want to dominate more. It is a tale of complex levels of emotions and survival.

The man and the beast abandoned in a lifeboat, floating in the middle of the infinite waters of the ocean.

The book is written delightfully. 

I should really finish reading it.

Moods #65

Jopay | Mayonnaise

Nariyan ka, hindi na ako nag-iisa

Notes to the otherside 041

Diary entry as of 8:49

So, I found my phone in the office table, hahahaha :D

Diary entry as of 11:44

Feels like it is time for coffee/tea? <3

Diary entry as of 13:31

Feels like it is time for longer rest and longer sleep <3

Diary entry as of 16:35

Going home soon, I so need to rest, need to recover from sickness

Notes to the otherside 040

Diary entry as of 12:38

What is the issue/struggle of the presence in the shadow? Is there anything wrong again? 

Moody nightmare!

Diary entry as of 14:50

Not good, huhu, I feel like I am coming down with something, like flu or cough or colds :( oh my huhu

Diary entry as of 17:04

Feeling better after paracetamol

Diary entry as of 17:39 

Hugs my nightmare, going home soon

Diary entry as of 19:27

Argh, can't find my phone :(

Diary entry as of 20:38

According to website find my device, my phone is in the office, argh, I must have forgotten to put it in my bag when I was leaving, must be bec of meds, my head is swimming on the meds that I am taking lately 

Moods #64

Happy birthday | Concrete Blonde

I'm laid out on the floor
Drunk and poor
How much longer how much more

Rock me to sleep
Strong & deep

***

A love letter to the dead

At the risk of repeating myself again and well indeed I am repeating myself again, to my dear departed dead nightmare, no need to send me anymore friend suggestions to connect in any of my other social media accounts because the physical realm is different from the invisible magical mystical spiritual realm. 

Stay dead my dear darling. 

Here, it is my proof that I am still remembering you.

I am still doing the ritual.

Have a good time today wherever you are.

PS, may the days be kinder to all of us

Notes to the otherside 039

Diary entry as of 11:13

Sending all my hugs and cuddles to my one and only darling H 

Diary entry as of 12: 34

💛💛💛

Moods #63

Bakit Part 2 | Mayonnaise

no lyrics this time, just the whole damn song speaks so much

so, so much

 #intense

New Moon

Dark, empty and lots of spaces 

Continued, 18:53

Log: Just got home, it was a busy and exhausting day. Finally work is done, time for journalling and planning my life inventory which I will start calling as 16-yli project.

Continued, 20:21

Log: 13 hugs and kisses for my lovely nightmare H

The Truth is: We are all graduating (part 2)

The feeling lately is that of never ending thesis, both the production part and the written thesis paper part.

I remember the thesis part of college was the toughest one, we must really dedicate our time, effort, creativity and intellectual endurance and actually enduring grit to face the challenges of doing our thesis. A whole semester must be allocated to finish such endeavor.

In production part of the thesis, there will be the Pre-production, production and Post-production, these will need a detailed time-table for every part.

Then in the written thesis part, there should be Pre-thesis writing (data gathering, theoretical framework, paradigm and draft of paper rationale), in thesis writing, of course the chunk of the writing will happen here and then, we have the post-thesis, bibliography, editing and checking of the paper.

All these take time!

But as my master said, time keeps passing by, affinities keep ripening. 

So as time passes by, we should have markers in the moving forward of our thesis work.

We should at least have an accomplishment report for every benchmark done.

We had the past 15 to 16 years for all the data gathered, now we have to make sure that the time frame and time table are laid out clearly for us. 

We have to write a thesis for the last 15-16 years of our lives.

Remember, we have to make an inventory of our lives constantly.

Notes to the otherside 038

Diary entry as of 4:53

Am I being abducted again in my dreams? Feels so familiar, why am I being abducted again? We can just chat and hang out 💛

Diary entry as of 9:02

So, someone from a big country is also visiting my blog, hello there, hope you are doing fine, gan en!

Diary entry as of 10:43

Weird to feel in my dreams being confined in a room with H again. Like all the projections of my dreaming mind is also being observed and seen by H, maybe I am going insane? I know I don't have any secrets from H anymore but even my dreams, my dreams are intimately mine right? Nobody should infiltrate my dreams. So H, you should know boundaries when it comes to dreams.

Diary entry as of 17:23

New moon, new slate, emptiness again 💛

Diary entry as of 19:35

Hoooooooome

Moods #62

Tingin | Cup of Joe, Janine Teñoso

'Di pinapansin ingay sa tabi
Magulong kapaligiran, sa 'yo lang ang tingin

PS, one week to go 💜

Notes to the otherside 037

Diary entry as of 5:23

Hugs my dear darling nightmare, cuddles and kisses for you 🩷🩷🩷

Diary entry as of 12:58

Still waiting for the doc

Diary entry as of 14:37

13 hugs for my nightmare

Notes to the otherside 036

Diary entry as of 12:42

Hugging my dear darling handsome nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 6:52

My sweet sweet nightmare is always in my heart and in my mind 💛

Diary entry as of 12:48

Hugging my cuddly nightmare 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 14:50

13 kisses for me from my nightmare

Diary entry as of 20:50

Hugs my dear darling nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 23:29

Missing my dear darling SO, so much 💛

Footnote to entry "We are all in the dark"

Something I saw while scrolling the net, not my words but just so beautiful I want to share it:

Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. The student expected Mead to talk about fishhooks or clay pots or grinding stones.

But no, Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that has been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal. A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery. Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said. 

We are at our best when we serve others. Be civilized.

Notes to the otherside 035

Diary entry as of 1:04

Dear darling love, you will always be my one and only nightmare 🩷 i love you

Diary entry as of 3:37

Sending lots of love to my one and only nightmare

Diary entry as of 9:55

Okay, moody ghost, I am here 💚 Hugs hugs

Diary entry as of 11:42

My dearest darling nightmare, let's grow together though in different realms (though do you grow as a ghost?)

Diary entry as of 15:52

Cuddles and kisses to my SO nightmare

Diary entry as of 19:37

Missing my nightmare 😔

Notes to the otherside 034

Diary entry as of 3:09

Hugging you tight my one and only nightmare 💜

Diary entry as of 10:39

Just came from clinic visit, but the doctor is out huhu, now picking other doctors for weekend schedule

Diary entry as of 13:04

Hoooooome and resting from outside

Diary entry as of 13:10

Seriously, is our house transparent?

Diary entry as of 13:17

The mystery continues, the wizard keeps making deep dark magic

Diary entry as of 15:54

Just woke up

Diary entry as of 22:31

Hugs and kisses to my one and only nightmare💜

We are all in the dark

This morning, while meditating and praying, I had a very deep epiphany, we are all in the dark.

With this I mean, we are all ruled by instinct, self-preservation and primitive urges, not unlike the feral kinds. We are all in a wild state, that's our basic primal nature. We are animals in the jungle ruled by the law of nature. We bring our darkness everywhere. We are basically just animals with developed languages and writing systems (then logic, then arithmetic then philosophy) that we try to routinely follow to make sense of ourselves and the world around us.

But basically we are in the basic wild state.

This idea came to me while I was lamenting how the civilization is currently going through endless fierce reformation and mostly disintegrating. I lament how those that civilizations enabled us to create towers, towns, high intelligence, schools, libraries, museums, (picture all those images that are benchmarks of our mighty human intelligence) are somehow falling apart. Just go through the history of western civilization and eastern civilization, we have accomplished a lot.

But my epiphany was about, the civilization and how it helped in creating the ideal material world right now. The sewage system (if not for engineering, we will still deal with a lot of feces around us while we walk our roads and towns). My epiphany was about, the civilization is not all about expanding and reaching the summit, the civilization is mainly about surrendering the dark parts of us to finally have light hit it. 

Do I make sense?

We are not disintegrating into darkness, we are darkness. We come from darkness. Our basic nature is in the dark fluid of cosmos. And that we are searching for light, to turn the dark parts of us into light. To enable the light shine on that part of us.

The civilization is not failing or disintegrating. It is us who are having difficulty in letting go of darkness. It is us, rejecting the call of light.

I mean, in history we would read a lot of about incest, but since there was revolution in our thinking and morality, we have shed light on the disadvantages in morality of incest. In history we read about wars, but since we have paradigm shifts in thinking and life preservation, we try to lessen war as much as possible.

We are not disintegrating in our civilization, we are just becoming inconsistent and we fail to follow up on our pursuits of morality and philosophy and common humanity.

It is not the good disintegrating into bad. It is bad not wanting to turn into good.

It is not the darkness eating away at the light, it is the darkness not wanting to embrace the light.

We are content to hide in our darkness that we shoo away the light.