“For some folks death is release, and for others death is an abomination, a terrible thing. But in the end, I'm there for all of them.”
― The Sandman, Vol. 3: Dream CountryIt is never
only a dream, John Constantine.
-
Morpheus, Dream a Little Dream of Me
Dear someone hiding in the dark shadows,
I miss you. I have been thinking more and more about you lately. Possibly intensely. I have been through so many challenges lately, I have no idea how I have survived until now.
Some days are too dark, even a sliver of light is something I searched for endlessly, prayed for tirelessly, to inspire me to get up in the morning. Because this tiny sliver of light could really make a big difference in keeping my feet on the ground, head above my shoulders, faith in my heart ~ days are getting harder and harder to digest, dissect and to process. I learned painfully how to hold on to faith, even if it is something I still have to learn by heart step by step. My train of thought is something not easy to follow now.
There are days when I wanted to just give up on journaling and see the act of writing as a waste of time. Sometimes, I feel like I live just to journal. The realities of life are as usual very difficult to bear, one challenge after another, seemingly no end to this dark phase, sometimes I don't even know how I still get up in the morning.
Surrender.
Faith.
Purity.
Big lessons. But I still hang on. I still try to believe. What do I believe? That the lessons will help me increase my wisdom. That life is about cultivation and about love and about purification. That I still feel the world has a lot of wonders and mysteries and wisdom, for us to be witnesses of. For us to be revealed upon. For us to explore. For us to write about. For us to reflect upon.
I have a secret to tell you, whenever I am so overwhelmed, I retreat to this big world of library which I am the guardian of. I have lots of books that I am guarding. It is a kind of temple of books, and I am the temple keeper. I keep the books sacred, holy, clean and neatly labeled, identified and grouped. I am the temple keeper, I journal in that temple and I also reflect while being isolated in that wonderful sacred temple library. My work will never be finished because the books keep on coming and arriving and I have to pray over to keep them sacred and pure. There's a place I set aside for some tea and small snacks, all healthy and vegetarian friendly. I will invite you sometime when I have finally put the finishing touches on that wonderful tea room. You will be my honored guest.
I know our souls are entwined and deeply connected but sometimes I still miss you. The months are still long before the journey to the underworld again, before we are together in close proximity again, that's why I have this longing.
Anyway, I keep you always in my heart and my mind.
Yours always.
Through the hourglass, I saw you
Each time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed, I called you
And turned to hear you say
If only for today, I am unafraid
