Life makes us speechless

I am not sure if I have survived using solely my self-reliance or through my faith, though sometimes I doubt if I have it deeply, but I know it is there even if it is just the size of the smallest seed or how they call it, mustard seed in religious context (?) but I know I couldn't survive by myself alone. I believe it is my faith, it is through my painful, doubtful, relentless and unwavering belief that I have faith that brings me forward in this life.

Honestly, I am beyond exhaustion.

My mind, my emotions, my soul, all so tired of the pains and suffering and sensitivity to everything around me. 

Suffering is heavy. Suffering is terrible in a way that we find we are still lacking and still discouraged and still wounded by our desires, by our basic humanity (base human desires and instincts?), by our unwholesome habits, even though we have really been cultivating honestly, sincerely and a lot.

Life is painful.

Life is full of wounds, full of anxiety, full of hurting, full of inexplicable complex lack that shatters the illusion of control or the illusion of wholeness.

I am just a ball of bleeding blob. A bleeding heart. A bleeding wound that couldn't be stopped.

Sometimes the pain is too much, I thought I will just pass out from too much pain, too much hurt or too much blood loss (invisible blood from invisible bleeding wound, which though invisible doesn't make it untrue)

I just feel so sensitive, too sensitive, too easily hurt.

I cry a lot lately.

I don't even know who I am lately, I just gave up, I just let go. But it seems that of those I let go of some still find a way back to me, asking me to recognize them and hence asking me for strength to move forward. Or giving me the strength to move forward.

Master talked about Angel in one of her talks, the Catholic/Christian way of calling people who help people in suffering is Angel. The Buddhist way is Bodhisattva. Before this post, I have this obsession about this song from Friends, Angel of the Morning.

Bodhisattvas and Angels. All I can do is ask for their help each and every second to help me from my pain, I don't even dare to imagine how to be one.

Honestly, I am so amused by the fact that I have been listening non-stop to Angel of the Morning song and my Master mentioning Angels. The synchronicity still blows my mind. Giving me some strength to move forward. Giving me some energy to stay in the stream of life, to still praise its greatness and to be a witness to its divine intelligence and oneness. Just like what I wrote in some entries about Persephone's letter, she doesn't give up totally to the darkness when she was abducted in the underworld, she keeps her faith in the spark of message from the Divine, to keep her faith alive, to keep her alive in the pain of darkness.

Sometimes life is too painful that it leaves us speechless.

To those who are quiet and in too much pain, I remind you of the balm, a medicine from deep within, the medicine concocted from the pain given to us, which is our duty to alchemise into something that heals us and our wounds.

We are wounded, we are all wounded, but from this wound flows the medicine.

A healing new moon to all.