The crazy dark chaotic 11th Lunar Month

In the middle of this indescribable splitting of reality as we know it, in this dark cycle of Virtue of Ending, I find some solace in these words ~

The future has an ancient heart

The sign of the future is here.

I know, I know that we all feel hopeless in the middle of the dark cloud of ending and decay and death, but believe and have faith that the future is coming.

Just look at the sky and feel your heartbeat deep within.

It has already arrived! The future has already arrived.

Moods #48

Paagi | UDD

Ang nakaraan, nasa harapan

Ang kasalukuya'y ilusyon lamang

PS, eclipse, new moon, another roller coaster cycle for all of us

Visual Journal Entry #8

 Full moon 20230307

Babaylan at ang Paghihilom

Deeper darker tones

Here we are again, trying to survive this day with tremendous effort from every inch of our body, our sanity and our emotions, don't worry, we are all in this together. We are all forged here in the hot flames for a better version of us, just keep on holding on. We will finally reach that space where we can breathe easily, releasing worries and pain and trauma. 

You are not alone.

In my desperate quest for grounding in the first three weeks of this new year, I have read and re-read some books and articles in some websites which may heal my wounding soul, my crashing inner world. Heaven knows there were moments when my last shred of sanity was just being flimsily held albeit tightly by some words of my spiritual teacher, words that protected me from deep darkness where it seemed like I kept on falling endlessly. As my body was helplessly suffering from high fever, my lungs burning from cough, and my mind seemed like it swallowed a black hole, my sanity and my last effort to hold on to who I am was summarized in some of the words I deeply imbibed from my spiritual guide, she said 'let it go' and 'let it go' and 'let it go' ~ okay, to veer away from the pop culture resonance of these words, I have to set it straight, it is not a reference to a song from a famous children's animation back in 2013, however, these words from my spiritual teacher is from a story that she was retelling from a Buddhist Sutra.

It is actually a very short snippet of a story, once there was a spiritual practitioner who wanted to give flowers of adoration to the Buddha, he prostrated humbly in front of the Buddha, kept his hands in prayer position and he set the flower in front of the Buddha. Then after a while, a long moment of silence ensued, with intense alertness the spiritual practitioner just kept his hands on the flower offering, then the Buddha spoke, "Let it go," the spiritual practitioner let go of his hands from clutching the flower but his hands remained in prayer position. The Buddha again said, "Let it go," and then the spiritual practitioner, though surprised understood that maybe he just needs to put his hands into resting position and not in prayer position. Then after a moment of silence, the Buddha said again, "Let it go," the spiritual practitioner became so confused this time, that he dared to look at the Buddha (usually when practitioners prostrate to the Buddha, they don't look at Him or at His eyes, they just bow their heads as a sign of reverence) then the Buddha kept on saying "Let it go."

That's the end of the story.

It is so simple yet so profound. It is what it means, let it go.

The way I understand it is that we have to keep on letting layers of us be stripped away, no matter how painful it is, down to who we are. We need to keep shedding the false masks, false faces, false identities of the ego until we are bare-boned true self and until there is no way but to surrender. Not knowing what will wait for us at the other end of the bridge, but we still do it anyway because we believe in our quest, we have faith that in surrender we will find our deepest treasures.

Easier said than done. Believe me, I know, I know how hard it is. 

Though let us not forget that in the deepest darkest part of our journeys, we have medicine with us, we have light within us, it is believing that in the darkness, there is eternal light. We just have to train ourselves to learn to lit it up in the darkest places. That's why we have our ancient mythologies of rites of passage in every ancient civilizations, because they know it very well, the darkness and the alchemy of turning dark into light. Unfortunately, we forget it in our modern lives. So, yes I urge you my dear friends and readers, let's remember the ancient ways, ancient maps and ancient mysteries, those stories that resonate within us when we read some of its retelling, like Inanna, Erishkigal, Persephone, Demeter and Hecate, they are all women whose stories are still as relevant to our lives as to those in the ancients.

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Addendum:

Though I can see here that I am referencing two important elements: Buddhism founded by a male monk and the feminine goddesses of ancient mythologies, which lead me to a new question maybe it is time that we balance the feminine and masculine energies in our time/lifetimes so we can make sense of why we tend to forget the wisdom of the ancients in our modern lives now? Maybe it is time we learn the wisdom of balance, because we are in desperate need of medicine for our selves, our lives and our environment?

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I hope you all had a harmonious and revelatory full moon my dear friends.

In the darkness, the seed quietly grows

I am at a loss for words

Definitely, lost, like my mind, for who knows how long

I don't know how long it will take for us to march through this wave of darkness, maybe 15 days, maybe 40 days, maybe 365 days, maybe years, maybe decades ~

I am not sure anymore

But yes, we have cracked a new dawn, I believe. However, the new life/new dawn doesn't necessarily equal to happiness,  unfortunately it looks actually the opposite, I just want to stay inside my bedroom and be in the dark and wait for the world to just implode or for me to just disappear.

~

Yet, it feels easier to give up and not look forward to any day,

I remember my beloved teacher, she always reminds me/her disciples the following words of wisdom:

Take an inventory of your life, look back at your accomplishments and what you have done in the past, no matter how little it is or how big it is, the point is to make an inventory.

This is a grand lesson that we are learning right now, we have to hold on and keep the faith.

Stay connected to your source. Keep our heart and mind healthy.

I am grateful to my teacher every single day.

~

Although, it is so hard to find our footing in this endless darkness and shifting ground, let's be grateful for each moment that we are here. 

We are given these challenges because we can cope and can thrive and flourish.

Keep surviving. 

We are being helped by our guides and teachers, we are not alone.

You are not alone.

Flow of consciousness before noon

Hello my dears 🎆

How is everything doing in your lives?

Happy Easter to everyone ^^

And yes! I survived March 💜 Am I so happy!

👻

So I guess I have to treat myself to something delicious, 

but

Of course there is this ECQ NCR plus happening so I couldn't treat myself yet 🍜

however,

I think if I can't go to a place where I can get delicious food,

I can make the food come to me by delivery!

Yum, isn't it 💕

But I still have to wait 😱

I have to be patient

Patience is a virtue

Just like how I am very patient with my state right now

I just couldn't effectively create a plan or a strategy

When I am about to lay something out I have imagined as a system, 

there will always be something missing

The most frustrating part is that, I couldn't define what it is

Indeed frustrating 😭

And so, I have to remind myself that patience is a virtue

I would eventually piece the puzzle together 👒

But it is like, the data came flooding me attacking me like tsunami

I kept holding on to my initial observation, but indeed, this looks like 

a different ball game

My old way of looking at things must change because 

the game has changed 💀

The first quarter of the year ended already, I must be up with my list or reflection

But initially I will do it in my physical diary

🐬🐋

I am learning not to push myself when I don't want to write

It is healthier that way 🍓🍇🍋

I want ice cream 🌷

Love heals

 

Got the image from here: https://twitter.com/neilhimself/status/1143622475424698368

#mondayagain

Choose your own adventure: Pensive

Imagine you are walking along your own path, in your own pace, knowing full well that you are following your own trail, fully and wholly committed to being alone in that kind of peaceful journey. You have a clear road that you can see from your own vantage point. Whatever the weather, be it sunny, rainy, windy, stormy the path is clear and it stretches far and wide but it doesn’t scare you because you know that you are just on the right road. You say to yourself, however long the distance is, you are secured of it until the bitter end because you know that deep in yourself you have found the required stability and determination to cover the distance, whatever it takes. You have it in yourself to surmount the challenges, you have it in yourself to conquer the demons of those belonging to yourself, of those belonging to others, of those belonging to the world. You know you have it. You are so sure you have it in yourself, you have reserves of those inner strengths, you know which ones are those that you have to grow, those to develop or those to master, you are so complete unto yourself. Being full of wisdom, you don’t keep your weaknesses from yourself, instead you are painfully aware of them and you are utilizing time and experiences to at least turn these weaknesses into a receptacle for transformation, not only for yourself but for others. You have found how to use the power of weaknesses to heal, to connect and to observe. That is a kind of power you know you have. You heal people whatever it takes. There are no rules on how to heal another soul, all you know is that you have to heal them and you have healed them, no matter what it takes. Healing may come from light, healing may come from dark, whatever the source, you know where it will lead to. Magical, mysterious but it does the work. Healing becomes you. You wield it responsibly by your own system, by your own dictates, own creed, because you were chosen and given that power. And of course, you have more, you know more, you feel more and you see more. That is who you are. And you know it. You go on with life, following the road with this full knowledge of who you are. So secure of your way.

You belong to yourself. And you are so sure that nobody can take that resolve away from you.

Then along the way, you will find another kind of fellow traveler, you thought you were alone in this path, but somehow there’s someone there all along. The fellow is someone you intuitively know you share some traits with. You were alone for so long, so curiously you were drawn to that traveler. You crossed paths with someone you aren’t expecting at all. And then you learned a little from each other, you started to talk, to exchange ideas, to know more of each other. But you are not sure about this pleasant surprise. Definitely, it is something new, when you talk, some curiosities are satisfied, some are validated, but somehow you want to know more. But the fellow of course has own set of rules, set of ways, own system. You grow more and more curious and perhaps fond of the fellow. And the fellow curiously enough, found a door along the path and opened it and shut the door from the inside.

Question, will you open the door and follow the fellow or just continue with your own journey, set on your own ways, secured in your own path, alone?

But of course, you are curious. You try to quietly inspect the door. Listened intently through the handle. Peering from the small crack at the bottom. You try to intuit. You try to use your powers, selfishly this time to find out more. Did you find out more?

Now, you have to think. If you open the door, there are infinite scenarios waiting. One would be, it can be a closed room with four walls, empty room, devoid of anything. The usual physical expectations, the safest one. The next one would be, a door that opens to watery surface, enough to drown your knees. The waters here can be calming but you only see the surface. Or the weird one is that you can open the door and find yourself at the seabed, under the sea, the ocean has eventually swallowed you whole. Fortunately, you know how to swim.

So, what would you do next?

Hello Blogging, I missed you

Why have I been absent for the longest time?

Life had been really busy for the past few months and I think this trend is going to continue for quite a while. Tight daily schedules are getting tighter, responsibilities are getting deeper and heavier, and if I am fortunate enough to have a few minutes gap or break, I try to utilize it to update my different life lists (really I have a lot) ~ more and more I realise that time is really unforgiving, it will never wait for anyone, even for just one second! Hence, writing was pushed to the back seat, until finally (thank goodness) I had the time to pull it out from the pile of stuff that covered it for months!

Lately, most of my students are complaining about being so tired. I suspect it has something to do with the weather, it was reported that March 2015 was the hottest March since record keeping began in 1880. Ugh, I really hate to think that it will get hotter but common sense suggests that it will be the trend as it is just the beginning of summer season, so I have to bring more water every single day to rehydrate! Most importantly I have to recycle and conserve water and be more active in doing recycling.

Busy April

Right after Holy Week my brother and my sister-in-law had a thanksgiving buffet for their coming baby! So here are some pictures from the event.

My big family

Dad, me, mom, Tita Beth and Tito Ding

Mom, kuya, me and dad

Mom, me, dad, kuya and Ashley

As for volunteering ~

I have been spending my Sundays in Helping Land Tondo, Manila to teach kids in Project Pearls' summer program. I have cute kids here and they are very sweet.

Meet my students:

Kids at work

John-John, Dannyboy and Angelica

Lovely

Creating characters with clay

Kids and teachers

I am planning to spend my Sundays with them until the end of May :)

And yes, we were warned that life changes every single moment and nothing is permanent. But sometimes these warnings were just a bunch of words until we stop and really think about the changes we've been going through in our journey in life. Personally, I never know that teaching will really make a big impact in my life. And a very positive impact. I used to think that I will spend my life video editing and writing articles or making digital presentations but now I believe I found another trail that opens to more possibilities of serving and helping people. Must love teaching!

Preparing for (breathing deeply) SpEd. 

Para kay Ekay

Ang post na ito ay para sa 'yo Ekay ^^

At ang link na ito ay para rin sa iyo Ekay ^^

Sana magustuhan mo.

ParakayE

Tabula Rasa

Seeing the Oblation standing amid the destruction around UP Campus in Leyte, I cannot help but feel the profound invitation of hope. There is light, beyond the desolation, beyond the seemingly insurmountable challenges, beyond desperation. A very bright light which remains pure and untouched by anything that befalls the humanity and its creations.

And I believe that that light is here to guide us in molding new and sustainable beginnings.

Clean slate, a divine gift to all of us.

Let us rise again

Whenever darkness creeps in, I always remind myself of this gem of a wisdom I learned from a Permaculture practitioner. He said, water is the only element that exhibits same quality after being subject to freezing point and boiling point (both 100 degrees celsius) - it expands.

And then I put my mind back to the biology class, that the human body is composed mainly of water. 

And that water is basic component of any living being/thing.

Life may put us into grueling pressures and may throw us into deep troubles, but I trust that we will all rise up again with awareness and better understanding of ourselves and our humanity.

Appreciating small victories

Ah good to know I have time to blog tonight. Did someone up there clicked fast forward button to zoom our lives here on earth? Can you feel it too? Like everything is just happening so fast, so furious, simultaneously? That everything just sprouted all too soon? That after one big project in my office, I have to run fast to do presentations of my report in my MA class and that I have to submit papers too since it's midterms already, you see? It's all happening all too soon, all at the same time.

I sometimes have moments of intense pressure that I just cry. That in the middle of work, maybe typing stuff or editing video, it will dawn on me and I cannot stop myself from feeling scared and tired all of a sudden, then tears will trickle down my cheek. Ah, yes, been crying so much lately, I have been running to comfort room to release it all -- tears, fears, anxiety. It must be the heaviness of responsibility  or maybe that I am so tired that I cannot figure out how to work them all out neatly. But I guess it's not just easy, and the point is not doing it neatly but to just do all the task that I am supposed to do, with full concentration. I trust that this focus and concentration will keep me sane through it all.

So I was finally able to report to class this evening, it was a big relief. It was not my hundred percent, but I have to say I did well under pressure. With so little time to prepare, I was able to produce my presentation under an hour whew! The report was not bad at all, I even think they enjoyed it. But what I am after is that they learned a bit from my report. I am relieved. Very much.

After all, during this crazy time, I should learn to appreciate my small victories. It is the wisest thing to do.

New Year: redefine

Happy new year to everyone who visits me here ^^
As I was walking down the high street and entered a stall, I heard this song which I haven't heard for so long now... this song was like 8 years ago, and when my ear caught the melody it magically transported me back to my college days. Then I started wondering about this kind of moment, unexpected yet magical -- a relic from the past (this time its music) can transport me back to nostalgic moment during my college days. Thoughts came flooding back, how I just went home after class, just worrying about my assignments, watching tv with parents, routinely watching music videos, just in bed reading books, ah that simple life.

New Year: redefine, yes my title above. Because its new year, it is part of my plan to redefine myself, my goals, my relationships and my role in the community. That by doing so, I can effectively define my identity and my self :)  This year for me will be a time to learn the discipline of riding the surf (metaphorically) of life. It needs constant practice, willingness and firm resolve. I must finish my core subjects in my Masterals this year. I want to be an efficient employee. I want to build a stronger relationship with my parents and brother and relatives. I want to spend more quality time with my friends. And I want to be able to contribute to my community however small yet. I want to pull these areas of my life together so I will be a complete me :) so there, these are the areas where I will put most of my life energy, I do hope to plant positivity in all of them. Furthermore, to go deeper in each of these areas so I can intimately connect to them.

And ah, wall climbing. The stall that I visited had a Power Up corner! Ah, I soooo miss wall climbing. As I watched kids do wall climb, I remembered my PE days. I feel the need to wall-climb again. And I must ^^

Oh well, life as it is, it just goes on and on and on ^^ so here, my friends, I share to you one of the music that defines a phase of my life. A happy, simple, nurturing, loving phase. Here, enjoy.

Jem | It's just a ride (2004)

Sending bright love to a remarkable year

Another year is coming to an end. And another is rushing forward to greet us all! This was a year full of letting go, moving on and scaling mountains (figuratively). But a rewarding year indeed.

So I am very thankful to everyone who gave their warmth, gentleness and love to me. And also I am grateful to people whom I gave my love and care and concern. May we all find year 2013 another year of abundance of positive thinking, of creating good nurturing relationships and of giving of ourselves to serve humanity and the earth.

May love and hope kindle our hearts as we pave the paths of our lives.

Blessings and faith to all of us.

Random thoughts

Here's a secret, there are times when I write posts for my blog like I have readers, but there are also times when I write just for the sake of. Just like this entry tonight.

I believe that we are all free to express ourselves, one form is that of writing. I write because it is my outlet. When my brain's too full, it is my habit to spill it to papers, but in this case, my blog. Words flow, echoing doubts, fears, self-criticism, hope, faith, self-redemption. All those processes kept my brain from focusing so i push my trusty fix-it button and then I begin to write. I write of my limitations, my agony, my guilt -- my pleasures, my hopes, my dreams, all of them safely tucked inside the pages of my volumes of diaries. 

Ohwell, lately my brain is being battered by all kinds of thoughts so I want to pour them out here too.

Been typing this one yesterday afternoon, might be that I was so affected by our discussion in my MA subject ancient Asia

I saw it and I know it is deep as well as high

Been feeling depressed lately and it is really long way down must be far and wide too. Too small, feeling confused too. But not really too much. Been telling myself there was a lesson in my undergraduate years about this religion ritual where they have to sacrifice virgin princesses. Then as the ritual was about to begin, there was a slight pause and the princess ran away. Nobody knows if she escaped and freed herself from the ritual or not. But the point is it is our basic instinct to preserve our life. It's our human instinct to save ourselves from impending danger. Now I am talking about it bec maybe it will help me in making decisions. It will help me shape my mind and my life. 

The way out is to create and to feel --- using experiences. To express my authentic self through arts and through my creations.

I also want to know what confucianism is and why Marx (in the Philosopher's Football) is demanding that Confucius has no free will?

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And then existential questions kept bothering me this morning

How can we reconcile modern and ancient? Maybe that's basically the guiding question in my life right now. View things from a different perspective. It is maybe what that priestess was thinking about as she sought to escape from an unfair tradition.

Arts and emotions will rule my decisions and my perspectives. Maybe I can save as much from my sadness and despair. I will not be confrontational, I will just be the student of life, free to be taken everywhere. But these little drops of wisdom, I will take care close to my heart. Because one day it will grow to be a big picture for me and it will help me with my quest for truth. 

Consequences are present. So is our faith and rational thinking and compassion. Well maybe that's the universal. Or another question is what enables us to be reborn after death (metaphor) what forces are in action? Who are we? 

What connects us to life? What makes us human again after we are reduced to ashes? Common humanity? Instinct to survive? Quest for truth? What makes us persistent? What made us reach the other side? What drives us to continue living if we know that life is constant level up and constant challenges? Love I suppose. Because we are all one. How can I expand it? How can I understand it? You are me and I am you. What calls us back? Maybe love. It is not rational, cannot be anything that we can figure out. We just feel.

Harmony. Feelings. Emotions. Boundless.

Note:

I discovered Ancient Future ----> (bliss) *-*

Eureka

The Philosophers' Football Match is a Monty Python sketch depicting a football match in the Olympiastadion at the 1972 Munich Olympics between philosophers representing Greece and Germany. Starring in the sketch are Archimedes (John Cleese), Socrates (Eric Idle), Hegel (Graham Chapman), Nietzsche (Michael Palin), Marx (Terry Jones) and Kant (Terry Gilliam).

Confucius is the referee and keeps times with an hourglass. Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine (sporting haloes) serve as linesmen.^[1] The German manager is Martin Luther. As play begins, the philosophers ponder their theories while walking on the pitch in circles.^[1] Franz Beckenbauer, the sole genuine footballer on the pitch and a "surprise inclusion" in the German team, is left more than a little confused.

The sketch was performed in the Grünwalder Stadion^{[citation needed]}. It originally featured in the second Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus episode and was later included in Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982).^[2]

Outcome

Nietzsche receives a yellow card after claiming that Confucius has no free will. Confucius replies, "Name go in book". In the second half, Karl Marx replaces Ludwig Wittgenstein, but does nothing to advance the game. With just over a minute of the match remaining Archimedes cries out "Eureka!", takes the first kick of the ball and rushes towards the German goal. Socrates scores the only goal of the match in a diving header off a cross from Archimedes. As the sketch closes, the Germans dispute the call; "Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside." The slow-motion replay proves that according to the offside rule that was valid until 1990, Socrates was indeed offside.

Line Up

The names of the Greek philosophers in the line-up are displayed in German in the sketch.

Germany	Greece
Gottfried Leibniz (goalkeeper)	Plato (goalkeeper)
Immanuel Kant	Epictetus
Georg "Nobby" Hegel (capt)	Aristotle
Arthur Schopenhauer	"Chopper" Sophocles
Friedrich Schelling	Empedocles of Acragas
Franz Beckenbauer	Plotinus
Karl Jaspers	Epicurus
Karl Schlegel	Heraklitus
Ludwig Wittgenstein	Democritus
Friedrich Nietzsche	Socrates (capt)
Martin Heidegger	Archimedes
Karl Marx - substituting Wittgenstein in the 2nd half

(Wittgenstein was, of course, Austrian.)

Taken from Wikipedia

Digging Leonard Cohen

Probably one of the best music videos I've seen.

In my secret life / Leonard Cohen

Wise words

“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.” 
― Joseph Campbell, Creative Mythology: The Masks of God 4

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell
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Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again. -Joseph Campbell
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“The first step to the knowledge of the wonder and mystery of life is the recognition of the monstrous nature of the earthly human realm as well as its glory, the realization that this is just how it is and that it cannot and will not be changed. Those who think they know how the universe could have been had they created it, without pain, without sorrow, without time, without death, are unfit for illumination.” 
― Joseph Campbell

Easy Sunday

And today is a lazy day, unleashing the home-buddy in me. But still I want to accomplish stuff, so here is my Sunday list ^^

1. Write snail mails, so far, I have yet to reply to 8 letters.
2. Accomplish my christmas shopping list for family, friends and officemates.
3. Send postcards.
4. Start snail mails for friends XD
5. Maybe wash later
6. Update my diary.

So this is an easy Sunday, playing easy as Sunday Morning in my head ^^

Also, before I end this entry, I will paste the image of this book that I will give as a sembreak gift to myself. Here it is.

Some words of wisdom from him:
"Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.” 
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet