Crossing to the other side

I am hopelessly restless as I am writing this journal entry right now. Thinking maybe it is the full moon or maybe something else entirely. Also, maybe my mood is affected by my period, maybe hormones, maybe just deeply worried about something I can feel, just this nameless feeling, that has been making me unfocused and uncentered lately.

I have been quiet for a few months actually, because the last few months felt like years ~ long long relentless years that brought about a lot of new faces, old wounds, new routines, endless adjustments, old forgotten problematic emotions, new challenges, new issues, new problematic emotions, old ways of evading problems, new ways of evading problems, endless worrying and procrastinating. Day after day of these bouts of attack into my psyche, my daily routine, my overall emotional and psychological health (if there is still health left there) my physical body, I don't even remember how I survived.

But here I am.

Writing.

Still writing. Still trying to make sense of the last few months or desperately trying to just forget and move on and life live as it happens. 

Plans failed, but still here I am picking up the pieces. Not really knowing if I should just let the pieces fly away, just let them scatter on the ground, not to bother at all. And just keep walking forward.

Methods failed. I used to think I had a good layout of strategies for facing the challenges that might come in life, at work, in my family, with friends, but all just fell into pieces and crumbled. My best laid plans, it just couldn't handle the flood. The waters that can drown. The ocean. The heavy downpour. All swept into the force of the stream, the tidal wave.

The Flood

I would like to describe the flood but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I would like to describe the flood the way Russian novelists can spend entire book chapters just to describe a beloved sitting down, opening a book in a library ~ as the lover stands there ruptured at the sight of this marvelous scene, describing the lighting effect of early morning sun against an open window in a misty Saturday morning, with soft rays coming through the window slats. The soft golden rays hitting the hair of the beloved as she innocently flips through the pages of the book, how it touches the heart of the lover, every single nano-second tattooed in his mind, soul and being. The sound of the pages of the book as she touches it and thoughtfully checks the pages of the book, while absentmindedly sipping tea from a favorite teacup. The Russian novelist might both describe the lover and the beloved ~ intimately, with details ever elusive but somehow touching the eternity in this very mundane scenario, reading a book on a Saturday morning. The simplicity hiding the marvelous mysteries and magic beyond the physical mis-en-scene. 

This, I would love to do this. Describing the flood like this. But I cannot. Yet.

But instead I listened to it. 

Oh boy, did I listen to a lot of music during the past months! Lots and lots of music.

Yes, I might be crazy, but I feel there should be a connection between the flood of my life and the music I listen to. I have been listening almost religiously to the usual classics: The Doors, Joni Mitchell, Tom Jobim (as interpreted and rendered by Daniel Jobim), Caetano Veloso, Caesaria Evora, etc ~ because somehow they capture the flood in their music. But yes, Jim Morrison, you are such a revelation to me. Jim, how could you both drown into the flood and be the flood itself? How could you sing while you drown? You should have lived longer to guide us all! But of course, there will be no Jim without the whole band, but wow, I mean how could their music capture such emotions? 

Pure magic, how could they communicate directly to a throbbing, sad, pained soul? Maybe they have a map of pain, grief? Is someone brave enough to keep on going through pain again and again to be familiar with it so much so that he/she can draw a map out of it?

The Mess after the flood

Needless to say, after the flood, there will be a universe of mess again.

Yes, that's maybe why I am restless and full of worries because I have to clean up. Cannot help it. 

Have a deep reflective full moon everyone.

Visual Journal Entry #9

 

Shadow

Visual Journal Entry #4

 

Dear diary,

Tonight I want to talk about this lady in yellow dress. While I was creating my visual journal tonight, this lady kept on disappearing, in a number of other stickers of fish, other ladies and flowers. She just kept on walking! Can you believe that! It was so hard to capture her, she was just so intent to keep on walking, of course her back turned to me.

This lady muse is hard to decipher so I had to concentrate on her for a long while, where could she be going? I kept asking her, I kept asking my journal tools, I kept asking myself.

Where is this lady going?

Don't you see, she keeps on walking and walking and walking.

Leaving me alone.

I was so helpless, so I figured, I have to scatter stardust on her path because she is so stubborn, she kept walking even though her path is still unsure and uncertain. She is a bit snobbish too. She doesn't cooperate with me. 

So I gave her fish, octopus and flowers and stars and a pearl in the other side of her path. And of course music.

Can you believe her? She kept walking with her bag containing flowers, not even bothering to look at me. 

I also gave her the magic of golden stardust, it could help her light her path.

She likes smelling good, so she has giant perfumes in the foreground. 

Oh well, I even chose some bird and a kind of wildberries for her, just to keep her company, but she kept walking and walking and walking. She is a very quiet lady.

Anyways, this is my visual journal for tonight.

I hope she finds her way and she finds that golden pearl on the other side.

Good night everyone.

PS, look at the moon together with other planets, they are majestic.

hugs to all

💜

Visual Journal Entry #1

Dear readers,

Sharing with you one of my initial visual journal entry

Been through so much these past months.

The past months felt like years, each day was more challenging than the last, but life moves on and we must move on with life and with the times.

In the middle of all these chaos, don't forget to dream.

Also, we have to use our time wisely.

Hugs to all

Empty as the new moon

Wow what a decade!

As we have all been struggling to leap from one edge of the cliff to another in this never ending growth cycle of life, let me take this moment to say congratulations to us all for surviving the last years and now we are standing in the horizon of another blank canvas in this new chapter of our lives, individually and collectively.

Okay, I might have been talking in confused words without trying to make sense at all, but as I said in my previous post, we have to heed the call of my master and take a serious inventory of our lives. Yes, this post is still in connection with the previous post I made about unpacking the box and living in the present moment. We need to make a serious inventory of our lives because nothing in life is permanent, life is constantly changing. Life and people and relationships are in a never ending cycle of growth, death and rebirth.

Anyways, I am just grateful that in this present moment, my family and friends and people I value are all safe and well. The past years were not easy. The past few years have seen me meet a lot of interesting people and I have been to many great places, experienced lots of challenges and hopefully came out a bit wiser, but haha, I am not sure about that bit.

But as I was contemplating on bidding the old year and even older years goodbye, I somehow heard this phrase inside my head: the anatomy, the structure, the basics. So, I was really trying to come up with a nice piece with the title: The anatomy of closing a long cycle and making peace of the life that was; I was so inspired by the title, but the journal entry that should follow never materialized.

It will materialize eventually.

But now, I am empty as a new moon.

So, I would just like to share with you my dear readers about the dream I had some days ago. It bothers me a lot actually, but well I will write it here anyway.

The dream goes like this: I was in my dorm room, which was so similar to my college dorm room and I was talking with my roommate while I was preparing to go out. I was dressing up, fixing my hair, etc. Then I went out of my room to get something at the corridor of my dorm before fully leaving. There was a door at the end of the corridor and when I opened it, it was dark and there was a young girl begging for money/food, I was surprised because a stranger should not enter the dorm. The girl was obviously a stranger to me and she looked like she didn't live in the dorm. I hurriedly went back to my room to tell my roommate that there was some stranger on the other side of the corridor door. I went on and on about the girl stranger to my roommate when an older beggar woman came inside of our dorm room, she was also begging for food/money. I was shocked because my room was my personal space and the older woman was surely a stranger and not a dorm resident, so I told her she should leave or else I would call the authority. End of dream.

Isn't this dream very revealing?

It is somehow telling me something.

Now, I need to do some deep inner journey to find out its message, lest I make Furies/Erinyes furious for not doing my 'life homework' immediately.

Oh The Kindly Ones, have mercy upon this soul.

The Trauma of Getting Up Again and Going through Life again

Most of the motivation quotes are very helpful, that's really true, but most of the time as we all know, they are easier said than done. My past few weeks were indescribably terrible, difficult and full of deadlines while I had to deal with multi-tasking in a different level: serving, assisting and answering questions here and there with urgency.

It was not easy. It was never easy. I usually just downplayed the difficulty level just to get me through another day, that was the routine for many weeks now. However, when the unrelenting storm of multi-tasking reached it peak and the trend is now going down, I had more time to observe myself, without a doubt I could see symptoms of trauma: anxiety, compulsive decisions, unfocused tasks, unproductive procrastination, fear of delving too deep bec of the pain of going through some tasks again, inability to shake the doubts and fears, insecurity, self-doubt, self-sabotage and lots of negative emotions.

I am no stranger to all of these.

I know these negative elements intimately.

I know them one by one. 

Unfortunately.

I was usually accused by my friends that I am spreading myself too thin, that I take on more than I can deliver, mostly at the cost of my mental, physical and emotional wellness.

I know this problem.

This problem is as old as myself.

I know this problem too well.

And I am aware of the signs and manifestations that my body is telling me; that my body is calling my attention to, just to signal that I am going through this self-abuse again.

Funny thing is, I thought as we grow older, we will learn to live with the trauma of self-abuse, but that's not the case with me. The symptoms are here, skin rashes, skin irritation, pains, aches and general laziness when there is free time. I feel bad about it. My plans as usual were shattered. I was forced to burn plans again and forced to watch as these best laid plan was set on fire and then burned and then they turned to ashes and then no more.

What good is a plan when you have to deal with the heartache of not following them? What good is it when we keep on not following through?

It is painful. 

It is where I got the idea that freedom is the best way to escape ~ detachment, not caring about the damaged plan, expecting emptiness at every turn bec it will surely arrive, however, I can sense there is a fine balance between being fatalistic about plans and just being really ready and prepared for the emptiness and damages and not being able to follow up. I guess there is a process where I can both plan and let go of control, without damaging myself during emotional storms or traumatic periods of life. 

I think there is a way for this balance to occur.

There must be a way. My spiritual teacher will always point out, there is a path. There is a proper way. There is a process. You just have to find it, study it, have faith in it, feel it and live it. That's why I believe in guides, in having faith, in praying for good affinities and in using time wisely because these are factors that weigh in a lot when decay and death metaphorically come to test our plans and our goals.

Let's keep the faith, we jump when we need to jump, but keep the faith.

And in faith, we will find a way to pave the path.

The Ballad of Persephone

Ouch ouch ouch

As usual I was busy all day at work and of course I am also busy in the house bec I have to attend to so many other stuff

                but of course, when h

                                                    e

                                                            r

                                                                e

                                                                      t

                                                                         u

                                                                             r

                                                                                  n

                                                                                        s

I have to welcome h

                                 i

                                    m with open heart and open arms

                        (never

                                    ever         ever        let     him     find     out     that

                        you are busy doing other stuff )               when     he     comes        home

        because h

                        e            will make you hurt, suffer and feel so ouch-y

Never for a minute let him think that your attention is somewhere else bec you will feel sharp pain, straight to the heart, plus unexplained heaviness in your heart, body and mind.

a    t    t    e    n    t    i    o    n                     must always be his and his alone

I wish nobody will ever feel it, because I am not sure if someone else can bear it.

Let me tell you some instances where sharp pain attacks:

laughing with colleague/s (he is not happy when I laugh with someone else)

smiling and catching some light break from office work (I have to message him right away when I get a slight break from work, he must be the first one who I think about and who I talk to)

forgetting to message him when doing something else or when going somewhere else (bec i need to update him all the time)

Just think, I am supposed to be away from him because it is the 6 months of upperworld stay, but NO, he is such a control freak that even in the upperworld, I still must submit to him and follow his rules.

Siya ang batas!

Wow!

Okay, I cannot divulge anymore, I must be afk because you know, His Highness is back.

Love,

Persephone

Things I found in the flood, the scrapped journal of moving in a new place: Log #0

So as I unpack my boxes, and initially arrange some of the stuff in my room, surprisingly so, some things that belong to the past resurfaced. It actually is expected in situations like this. Yup, objects dear to us hold a lot of sentimental value and it reminds us of who we were in a particular point in time, not unlike how Voldemort hid his soul in some of his treasured objects. 

I mean I don't have the magic spell to hide my soul in some of the objects that I will feature in this series of blog posts, but they do hold precious memories. Sometimes, these objects may remind me of the people who gave it, the intent behind it, or the emotions connected with it, it could go as far as the sketch of the moment as I picture it in my mind, the framed second - like a photograph in my mind's eye. But all in all, this series is to actually help me remember the past, as the floodgates of memory just kept on pouring and pouring, that I feel so lost in my tiny cabin cruiser in the middle of the ocean. 

Actually before I go on about the sentimental value, the memory, the emotions behind the featured object, I would like to open up about the immense-ness of being lost in the ocean. In truth, I cannot capture the experience in words, but maybe in form of question, have you ever been so lost and flooded by deep, wave-y waters, that when you try to look into a big picture to map yourself or your coordinates, you are so tiny that you look like a tiny bubble or tiny dot in the humongous consuming ocean? Have you ever fallen deep into the water, not because you intend to dive, but just because you are clumsy or you lost consciousness, thus you accidentally tripped over the ledge or edge of bridge or boat? Have you ever seen the edge of the surf and imagined that the ocean is going to devour you deep into its bottom in the middle of nowhere, but instead of losing consciousness, you are aware of your situation, of your fear and of your anxiety?

I am not sure if I am making any sense but this is something that I sense I have been going through for the past year, it is like swimming and sinking on the dry ground because the ocean comes and fills up the solid earth that I am standing in, within just a fraction of a second.

Let me tell you my answer: This experience is terribly, terribly exhausting. 

Imagine going through the same situation every single day.

My mind refuses to go through the same experience consciously, which is a good thing because it means that I can still control when to let the waters in or when not to, but I know I am running out of time, because somehow I know that someday, I will not be able to control when the consuming waters will come in, that's the scary part.

No wonder I am tired to the bones every single day.

But there is a gift in the middle of this, I am more intuitive, I am more connected to the unconscious, I can easily empathize, I can discern and filter more accurately, quickly. I used to believe that it is easy to spot the emotions of other people, just look at their pattern of behavior, then revelation will come ~ it used to take me days or weeks to finally pin down what it is that they need, but now, revelations come so fast, so quick - that I cannot even begin to comprehend why I arrived in the conclusion without even asking or formulating a question. 

Just really incomprehensible.

However, my dreams are scarier now than before and more vivid and full of creepy stories. I wake up in the middle of the night with deeper anxieties and more fear than before.

Wow, I have been just writing and writing ~ time flies, now I need to cut this flow of consciousness because I have other pressing matter to attend to. 

By the way, full moon weekend is coming up.

Moods #33

Dying Inside | The Cranberries 

It was a terrible thing, it was a terrible thing
To see her dying, inside, to see her dying

***

We keep on living and dying, every single day

Indeed, every morning is a new beginning

and every night, we succumb to the dark embrace of little death

Question is, what do we do between the waking and sleeping hours?

Moods #31

Frozen | Madonna

And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

***

The video is so mesmerizing, couldn't stop watching it, to think it was shot before 2000, it still feels so relevant and novel!

The video tells of a very interesting tale of a mystic woman, isolated in the desert

She reminds me of a yogist, a very wise woman in dark veil and wide black dress who can transfigure. 

Her movements are flowing with the wind, it feels like she is calling some higher power towards her

She is an oracle.

If you pay attention to her hand and finger movements, and the henna tattoos, and the form of tattoo when she absorbed the dark fluid on the sandy ground, these elements all pertain to some Eastern mysticism and Eastern spirituality. 

The video was striking because the elements and movements were Eastern consciousness being played by a very Western woman with strikingly western features and skin color.

The inconsistency couldn't be overlooked but this doesn't make the video less evoking. It is full of close ups, not just of her face but the hands, the fingers, the upper bust, very intimate parts of a woman. But the video veers away from the usual cheap erotic display of woman's flesh, it sends a message of transcendence, close to being divine. The big dark dressy skirt part of her clothes which covered almost her whole body reminds us of coveralls of ladies who go to spiritual houses like convents and temples to pay their respect to the gods/goddesses. 

The color of her cloth actually evokes a strong opposition to the norm, which dictates white as symbol of purity and cleanliness that equates to divine. She is wearing stark black over-sized dress accentuated by a jewel necklace. Perhaps a magical stone which can help her call higher powers from all corners of the world? But going back, she is not the usual pure virginal icon of whiteness and purity, she is the dark feminine oracle who is confident in her own power, with very strong association to darkness, take note of her animals: dark wolf and crow.

The beginning of the video is a shot of her floating in mid-air and then many other instances in the video showed her floating even higher and transfiguring while suspended up there. There were also shots of her on the ground, using arm-spread techniques, not unlike some yoga poses. It calls our attention to the flexibility of this oracle and her incredible talent of keeping her balance in mid-air. 

To me the video is a visual story of an oracle calling invisible powers and at the same time showing us her very intimate, mystical hidden world which is inaccessible to many, even to us who have the rare chance to witness her. She is showing a lot by hiding well in her protective dark coveralls - very subtle power. She is a very complex oracle. She has many secrets. She invites us to look more, know more by showing less and less.

 

SO_journals_just be

SO_journals_walking the path

 

Moods #12

 

Let me share some quotes today

I was really going to post about a quote from Gerard Butler, my favorite Phantom. You know, Gerry, he is sexy, deep and he exudes that Phantom charisma in him even when he is not playing the part anymore. This ever elusive bachelor (swoon) convinced a lot of POTO fans that even without proper voice lesson training, a really talented guy who can dramatize his darkness and passion with charm and flair in front of the audience can land the most complicated character ever to grace the theater/movies. If you could listen to his raw vocal performance in YouTube for the Phantom of the Opera then you will understand what I am talking about. 

But yes, I was looking for Gerry's quote however, I came across an article praising Joaquin Phoenix's The Joker performance. I haven't seen the film yet, but I am a fan of Joaquin ever since Gladiator. The review talks about paradigm shifts on anti-hero becoming more understood, and even justified in his dark behavior. Anyways, this is the quote that I was looking for, imagine this was delivered with lots of passion and intensity by Joaquin.

~

Anyways, I was gathering some materials for this post that I come across this sentence

The society's failure to nurture a healthy masculine

Yeah, that...

Also I include this in my 2-decade research: the toxic masculinity

Why do we forget that men are also suffering? I want to deep dive into this pool too, but one at a time. 

~

Also, who wasn't surprised by the big announcement of the philanthropic couple billionaire Melinda and Bill Gates. It must be difficult to go on their separate ways after 27 years together, but of course, there is a system in their relationship where Bill gets to do what he wants from time to time, now I am thinking about Melinda. Was she also allowed to do what Bill does? Does Melinda want to have extra affairs too? If the other one does it, does it follow that the other must do it too, for the sake of equality? What if the behavior of the other is not the same as that of partner? Will we call it equality too?

Well, those are very personal questions and we don't really know what their set-up as a couple is/was, so we have to respect their privacy. But one quote really caught my attention, it was an interview with Melinda about her own foundation for women empowerment.

Okay, now time for self-reflection as we enter another new moon cycle.

Laters again my dear readers.

Moods #11

Okay, I feel like I need to clarify this post

The books I am talking about are the books that I have been collecting and researching and printing on my own because it is hard to find these titles in the bookstores nowadays

I have actually formally subscribed to Scribd bec this website has a lot of books that I need right now

And these books, though hard to find in bookstores and libraries online can be found in Scribd, so I don't mind the monthly fees, as long as I get my hands into hard-to-find titles

And what I mean by new books being given to me, it is the feeling that I get when I have these printed copies bound in our local bookbinding shop

The staff in this bookbinding shop are very helpful and they really do a great job

So far, I have five books bound in our local bookbinding shop

I have more than 30 titles that I am planning to have printed and bound within this year

So, seriously, this is the kilig factor ^^

I have mentioned before that I am committing myself to 2-decades research, yes and this right now is the materials gathering phase. And boy, do I have a lot of materials!

I need to sort them out actually, so I have to update my book list from time to time

So far, the rough titles of my research topic are as follows

(1) Divine Feminine ~ I have titles by the great Joseph Campbell and Karen Tate

(1.5) Lifestyle of women in antiquity and early civilizations ~ Stephanie Lynn Budin, Judith Weingarten

(2) Eleusinian Mysteries ~ I have titles from Carol Pearson, Jean Shinoda Balen

(3) Histories of Sexuality ~ Of course its Michel Foucault, and then Stephen Garton

(4) Plutonians ~ From the perspective of Astrology in Psychoanalysis

(5) Hades Moon ~ Same as above

(6) Psychoanalysis ~ Jung, Freud and Jacques Lacan

These are my titles so far and I have to add some more but I am busy right now so I will update this when I have time

I just really want to make it clear that these books are my treasures right now

 

Moods #10

 

Moods #9

 

Moods #8

 

The stare

 

The cat stares, and I stare back at it

Return of Lost Things (or friends and anything in between)

Of course, my dear readers, what do I love most in life is to make a list. Today is another one of them.

The title of this list is really simple, the return of lost things. As simple as it means, I have been seeing a trend of objects, people, ideas and circumstances coming back to life and they have been making themselves felt. I thought I have lost them for good, but no, they have a way of coming back. They sometimes even force their way into coming back to my life, but my energy is just enough for my daily routine and even now my energy is barely enough to hold my routine in the house in this pandemic era.

So, here we go

(A) Guadi is back! This one is a very happy news for me. If you may recall, Guadi died last August, but this weekend, my mom forced me to resurrect it by going to laptop repair shop. Yay, it worked. Guadi, my beloved overworked laptop is now given a second life. Welcome back to the living side of the world Guadi. I actually believed that you deserve the 6-month rest because you have been enduring impossible working schedules in the most grueling places and circumstances for the last 3 years. I am of course very guilty for making you work so hard, but you have endured it with me. And you know how lost I was when you temporarily died. But here, you are back in my arms again. It's so lovely to be working day and night with you again Guadi. Please stay longer with me this time, okay? I promise I will take good care of you, but I cannot promise that you will work lesser hours, sorry. But I know you know what it means to be my laptop right? 

So welcome back to the living part of the world Guadi ^^

(B) Doing my online classes in my bedroom instead of living room.

Mom and I had a bitter fight last week. She was tired of me banishing them to different parts of the house because I demanded a lot of space and quiet time when I am doing my online classes. Of course, I have known my mom my whole life, she is the kind who will only endure within her set limits, eventually when you overstep the boundary, she will retaliate with a bomb. I guessed I have been walking the fine line of her boundary until one day I overstepped, so she exploded and I was sent away from the living room before I could muster a proper look of surprise. I wasn't given a time to digest what happened at all, she just bullishly attacked me verbally and so I lost. That's really her style. It is still scary until now for me. My adult self is still scared of my mom, tbh.

(C) Friends starting to keep in touch

Oh yeah, I am sorry about this. No energy to answer and even I am at a lost on how to even start a catch up script in my mind. Like, hi how are you? Have you been well? How was your Christmas, New Year? blah blah. No, I couldn't imagine myself going through the stale script. I just wanted to be quiet. I am not a snob, it is just my energy doesn't support extra social communication right now. I am stretched in my online classes, housework duties and other writing projects daily, I can't seem to muster anymore energy to cover socmed conversation. Maybe eventually. But definitely not now.

(D) My old papers in my graduate studies

These ones, I actively dug them up from my vault. Interesting how we really change perspectives as years passed. I had been reading many old papers that I have written four, or three years back. Some of them I still hold true for myself but some of them, I need to trim or edit to sound genuine and true to my current state of mind.

So far, that's it.

 

Belated happy valentines my dear readers, I hope you had a wonderful time yesterday ^^