Some random thoughts after waking up from afternoon nap

How to not become a sponge?

Unspeakable pain

Pain as deep as the ocean

Wide, and it keeps on getting wider

I am hopelessly at the bottom

And of course the bottom keeps on disintegrating

So I fall helplessly down

Just like in the movies when the characters

accidentally fall from a rabbit hole

Much like Alice in Wonderland

only I don't fall in a weird solid place

I am just suspended somewhere in the huge ocean

Definitely not on the surface

But nowhere near the bottom

As the bottom keeps on endlessly disappearing

Disintegrating

Just quitting to be solid

Melting

Liquefying

Everything is turning to dust, then dirt

Then nothingness

It is a weird feeling

Utter loneliness

Can't touch anything

Everything seems to turn into shadow

the shapes morphed into indescribable angles

Until there is no essence anymore

It is not just darkness anymore

It is becoming nothingness

Just a shadow

It was once a solid as you touched it

Then when you look back, there is just emptiness

Everything registers as sound, the proof of existence is in their vibration

The eyes can only catch the play of lights on the object

but the sound and vibration cannot be eliminated from the essence

There is still existence but they become invisible because the light cannot reflect them

And why do these things want to become invisible?

Or are these things showing me a different way of looking at them?

Why? 

Is there a new reality?

What for?

Why do I have these questions?

Why is this happening?

Interchange #10

Have been feeling so down and heavy, that's why my playlist is just an unending loop of this jewel of an orchestra with their rendition of no other than this timeless classic.

Speak Softly Love

I feel your words
The tender trembling moments start
We're in a world, our very own

Feels so stuck like glue

Define commitment:

     1.

 the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

 2. an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.

Been thinking about this for a while now. 

This for me sounds the heaviest and most complicated word.

When someone mentions commitment, suddenly for me it feels like the air was sucked out. Or the waves stopped crashing in the shore. It feels like the world stops its harmonious dance. 

The last time it was mentioned to me (which was just recently by the way) my stomach turned upside down, like I lost my sense of balance and then I got dizzy too. Actually not necessarily in that order. I am still reeling from the less than good effects of that word until now. 

Questions:

Can't people be in a relationship without commitment?

And what is commitment anyway?

I have no answers now, I am looking for some answers, 

I may take a long while before I come up with one.

Anyways, let's listen to this beautiful song :)

To be near you performed by Viktoria
Are you just a habit
Or some kind of addiction
Can't seem to get you out of my system
What good you have done to me
Feels so stuck like glue
Turn the pages in my head. there's only you

Of bad hair days and blank screens

Matagal ko na rin itong hindi napapakinggan.
Tamang-tama sa mood na medyo kalat at lutang.

Ohwell.

Echo & The Bunnymen | The Killing Moon

Finally a Sunday!

Taking a much needed break from the usual grind. Once in a while I find myself confused and lost. After a big wave of giving service to others, I always catch myself asking "Is this all I can give? Is this all I am supposed to do?" Ok to give a context, I have been out most of August working -- after the monsoon rains swamped most of the Metro and other nearby provinces -- the Foundation I am part of launched flood relief to areas affected. It was a busy month for all of us. There were times when we have to go to office as early as 6am and then we stayed until almost midnight. But yeah, we've managed and we made it well.

So, back to my digression, after the grueling month, I catch myself asking again "Is this all I can give? Is this all I am supposed to do?" Maybe not. So I started to go back to my 'normal' life, the everyday routine. But before anything else I learned many a revelation. REVELATION #1. I have to prepare myself to these kinds of calamities, once I start helping, I have to let go of the familiar routine that makes up my usual day, like waking up early to start planning the day, going to class, going to office, going home, cooking dinner, read and write academic stuff and update of social life (through net). If I want to keep my life steady I must be flexible. To lead a life diligently fulfilling my routine is really rewarding, but once a big natural calamity happens, I learned (the hard way) that I need to adjust -- not just my routine but my life. I admit I had been running low on my acads, I easily get tired (maybe because my body is adjusting yet again from the big grind from last month), I fail to wake up early -- in short I am not being diligent. I don't want that to happen.

So I am drawing up a plan to lead a more proactive life. I have to keep myself open to the fact that the impermanence of life can really destroy best laid plans but I can integrate these realities to my normal routine right? 

It is just I am worried about my acads. I am finding it more difficult to balance acads and work now. Where can I find time? Sigh.

Sorry dear readers, just having problems with my life routine, and I need to write it down so I can get the big picture.

So back to my questions about -- is this all I can do? I have academic life too but more and more I miss the Main Lib. Argh, if only I can manage my time more effectively :'(

But have to be grateful to this Sunday because it provides a fresh break from the deep, serious grind (of being in service to others) and the worries about academic stuff. Last night also, I was able to watch Potted Potter with my friends Romina and Fati. It is always lovely to have them around bec it makes me realise that I am not alone in this kind of problem -- work and acads ^^

Sigh, also I have a family thing later. My tita and tito are going to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by getting married again. So this time I am her bridesmaid. The motif of wedding is red and silver! I have to have my measurements taken today. Aside from that I so need to jog! 

Nevertheless, I am glad because I am back to blogging! Yay ^^ 

~

I remember my dear friend Fati telling me last May about her taking a break from work because NGO work is really hard ~ not just physically but emotionally. To be young and to realise the difficult life situation of the people around us is really exhausting. To feel their pain and to carry it with me everyday can sometimes deplete my energies. Giving service to others really feels good but sometimes we need to recuperate those parts of us that we gave away.

Also, I believe I mentioned before that I took a 9-month break from work too to focus on studies. A month before going back to work, I thought I found a way of managing my time well (work plus acads) but I was wrong. Being a part of a group in helping others is really good but I have to balance it with my acads (individual pursuit), in this light I became aware of REVELATION #2. The difficulty of balancing my group (self) and my individual (self). I have been running into the same wall of spreading myself thin (group) only to find out that my individuality is not at par with the demands of my personal projects (acads, self-mastery). BIG BIG sigh.

Oh well, and I digress.

Rainy morning blues

Yes, I know it is just the first week but seriously,
it feels like a lifetime. But I can do it, I am dragging myself outta bed real soon.

Reality is sleeping

The lessons are like waves after waves, so hard to make them concrete inside my head, they just appear, made themselves clear and known and noted, and then I will feel so appalled and then if I check back they’re no more. They are fleeting, but true, at least for a fraction of a second.

So hurting is like that for me right now. Fraction of a second, they appear then they’re gone. Hard to hold on to them, my analytic self is really frustrated, for wanting to stand on a solid ground of realisation and conclusion, I was instead left with fleeting images, fleeting realisations, fleeting truths and fleeting guilt. Life is so ungraspable, up to the last fraction of a second.

As of now, the only truth is music and poetry and rhythm. I don’t believe in anything anymore. Reality is sleeping. And it makes me so uneasy. I still believe in my Master because she alone can blend some realities and some dreams/teachings/theories. Truth is hard to come by, truth is fleeting, truth is hiding from us, we are instead left with illusions and in the dark. I pray for the glimpse of truth in this great big darkness all around us. It is a very critical moment for all of us here on earth now. We must give rise to compassion and light and warmth in our hearts, it is our only hope.

This chirping lullaby, brings my little dreams to life, in my sanctuary I become a child. Goodnyt - Barbie Almalbis

Diligently learn. Give all. Be all. Let it be. Just learn. Learn without fail. At the corner, in the near future we will be asked to live our duty – to break what was and build with new love and compassion. Such is life. Such is the utter reality of life. Though I know reality is sleeping right now. It will continue to sleep until we learn to wake it up in our hearts, in our minds, in our souls. We should be alert all the time. It is our duty as we live here on earth. Don’t slumber. Remain awake, remain open minded, remain gentle, remain in love and remain having compassion. It is time to be fully awake.

I am playing with this thought all day:

What is the gift of feminine soul without the complementary gifts of the mysteries of a man’s soul?

~You gain strength, courage and confidence in every experience in which you really stop
to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through
this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. 
You must do the thingyou think you cannot do~
Eleanor Roosevelt