Notes to the otherside 064

Diary entry as of 1:22

Can't sleep. Anyway, yes I might have given away 1 visual journal as get well soon card, but all the rest of my visual journals belong to my nightmare 💛

Diary entry as of 8:46

office as usual, work as usual 💛

Diary entry as of 19:31

Hoooooome

Diary entry as of 22:49

Hugging my nightmare tight and not letting go 💛 

Notes to the otherside 063

Diary entry as of 6:19

So, I am in 5-hour rotation nowadays plus the usual posts of birthday greetings and last is about the age of moon; seriously, what is the meaning of these patterns? Can someone in the US or Singapore explain please?

Diary entry as of 8:31

Office, being grilled about my high school life and why cannot I remember my ESP teacher? haaaaay :(

Diary entry as of 9:50

Oh I love that poem and the movie adaptation was also good, it was graced by Takeshi Kaneshiro, swoon*

Diary entry as of 19:02

Hoooooooome

Diary entry as of 20:31

Hugs to my darling nightmare

Slim Olive journal

 

The Truth is: We are all Graduating

Drum roll!

Cue the graduation song aka Elgar's Pomp & Circumstance March No. 1

And now we march toward the next door, next bridge, the next stage

All these sleepless nights, these million things per second invading our minds, these mountains of documents to submit, documents to prepare, documents to draft, these are the signs, we are all doing a collective 'graduation'

We are finally in the last stage of studies in different fields and finally we are getting all these checklists and schedules for the incoming rite of passage for all of us.

We are in graduation phase

The past is done we have submitted the last needed document, we defended our thesis, we have finished the thesis paper and incorporated the recommendation, the suggestions and the next part of our studies, hence we are now in the preparation part for the grand move up stage, the graduation!

Some of us will be so busy making different versions of our CV for different purposes, catering them to the needed qualifications in the field: there will be for admin, for writing, for creative purposes, for higher education learning, for fellowships, for internships, etc. These are the next steps, we follow the step as we follow the path of our direction.

The mountain/universe/ocean we came from was not an easy terrain, path, but we have made it and now the next step requires of us to be stronger, to be ready, to cultivate and to remember wisdom and compassion every single moment. We are like ants who aspire to climb the Himalayas, as my Master has explained tirelessly, every single day for the last 50 plus years.

Master said earlier, we follow the path by lifting one foot and then stepping forward. Then one foot lift and then forward. Lift then forward, again and again.

We must be present as we go through the process of graduation and after the rite of passage, a new life will begin, just follow the direction, follow the map, follow the teachings.

To my one and only SO

 

Dear darling H💜

💜💜💜

Notes to the otherside 031

Diary entry as of 11:19

Dearest darling H💜 I feel you deeply, so deep, deeper than the ocean and even the universe, hugging you tight

Diary entry as of 13:29

So, my heart is taken and my mind wants to work and my soul is wandering, all that's left is the body; body please integrate all of us in just one place, it is hard to function when all parts of me are in different direction

Diary entry as of 15:05

I wish I was productive, but my mind and heart and soul are just difficult to unglue from my H💜 tell me is love good and happy at all?

Diary entry as of 20:42

Seriously, time flies, zooom zooom zooom, incredible!

Motivation Monday

Monday motivation, which is rather dark:

Time to face our fate and peer down into what lies in the deep below

PS. There has been this weird phrase I am seeing again and again today, since this morning and the phrase is: Turning Point, or imagine the wheels of train and it is turning, because there is a big turning point; that's it, face the fate of turning points 

PPS. While I was writing about the wheels and turning points, the ruler that makes circles I ordered online came, weird synchronicity eh?

Actually, synchronicity is now a very very usual part of my life haha, I used to get amused by this a lot before but now, it has become so commonplace that I collect synchronicity every single day haha <3

Happy Monday

Notes to the otherside 029

Diary entry as of 12:19

Hugs and cuddles to my H💜

Diary entry as of 13:34

💜💜💜 darling H, i am sending you all my kisses

Diary entry as of 15:15

H💜 my one and only darling

Diary entry as of 16:12

Finally showered, a little cooler 💜

Diary entry as of 17:46

Missing my darling H💜

Diary entry as of 18:53

To my H💜💜💜 sending you all my sweet kisses and love

Diary entry as of 20:09

Got so busy, hugs my H💜

Diary entry as of 20:39

Quietly quietly my period flows, I keep keep bleeding 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝆕𝅘𝅥𝅲𝆔 ... in looooooove

Moods #61

A whole new world | Brad and Lea

💛💛💛

Notes to the otherside 028

Diary entry as of 2:37

Morning my dearest love, H💛

Diary entry as of 4:23

Missing my one and only H💛

Diary entry as of 5:44

Wish I could cuddle with my H soon💛

Diary entry as of 8:54

Missing my handsome nightmare H💛

Diary entry as of 10:16

I love you my one and only nightmare H💛

Diary entry as of 12:45

💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 13:40

My dear darling H, hugging you tight

Diary entry as of 13:48

So, should I send some snail mail and postcard to my growing number of friends soon?

Diary entry as of 15:52

My nightmare, you are always in my mind and heart and soul, both awake and in sleep

Diary entry as of 16:45

Yay, I have new journalling stuff, happy happy happy 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 19:09

Hugs  my dear darling H💛

Diary entry as of 20:44

My dear darling nightmare, I wish we can cuddle all weekend 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 23:54

Sending kisses and hugs to my darling H💛

Moods #60

If | Rivermaya

Without thought, without pride
Leave the things that seem to weaken us
Without fear, leave your lies
Let the magic turn your life around

Moods #59

The man who sold the world | David Bowie

Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes

#newmoonemptiness

Notes to the otherside 024

Diary entry as of 1:23

Hugs my lovely darling H, my one and only 💛

Diary entry as of 5:26

Cuddles and kisses for my sweet darling 💜

Diary entry as of 6:46

Weekend and it is still cool, but of course, I have a new weekend afternoon schedule and location 💕

Diary entry as of 8:29

So so laaaaaaazy

Diary entry as of 11:20

In and out of sleep aaaaand it is not so hot! So i will stay in my bedroom 🥰

Diary entry as of 14:34

Hot but at least not so humid

Diary entry as of 16:29

Hugging my one and only H💜💜💜

Diary entry as of 19:31

Missing my darling H💛

Diary entry as of 21:43

Love you so much dear darling H

Moods #57

My Old Man | Joni Mitchell

He's my sunshine in the morning
He's my fireworks at the end of the day
He's the warmest chord I ever heard

*

There is no song in Blue (album) that I don't like at all. That album is a masterpiece and Joni Mitchell will always be my music/song priestess. She talks to the soul directly, pure art, pure sincerity, pure love and pure pain. How can someone who writes this song from even before I was born exactly know what I want to say from deep within my soul? How can she create those melodies that help born the words from deep inside?

I rest easy because I know Joni has felt so much and she makes me feel that feeling too much is not insane and is not bad at all. We need to feel and we need to surrender to our emotions.

This full moon, let us surrender to the music of our soul.

A personal message to someone who died ~ please stay quiet, I pray for peace for your soul.

PS, no more friends suggestion from any socmed account! You are getting scarier!

Notes to the otherside 015

Diary entry as of 3:10

Morning morning H🥰

Diary entry as of 6:33

Hugs and cuddles H💜

Diary entry as of 8:03

Office and working

Diary entry as of 12:52

Recharge and then proceed again

Diary entry as of 13:04

ooooh 13! love love love that number

Diary entry as of 15:15

Is the online guest single?

Diary entry as of 17:19

March, and we march on and on and on, full moon coming soon my dears, my loves

Diary entry as of 17:58

Time to go home, finally long weekend

Diary entry as of 19:15

Hoooooooome

Diary entry as of 20:40

Time for new journaling ideas 💕

Diary entry as of 22:37

Does someone want to receive a snail mail or postcard?

Notes to the otherside 014

Diary entry as of 2:21

Morning h

Diary entry as of 3:33

Welcome online guests from other countries 🥰

Diary entry as of 5:53

Hugs H💜

Diary entry as of 6:24

Life goes on and on and on

Diary entry as of 8:12

Office and working

Diary entry as of 8:47

Down and drowning, out and cold, but still here, still breathing

Diary entry as of 9:28

Going to the big office

Diary entry as of 10:34

Back at the office, work work work

Diary entry as of 11:07

Ooooh 13! Kakakilig! 💖

Diary entry as of 11:35

Hugs hugs hugs 💜💜💜

Diary entry as of 12:23

Sometimes when we love monsters, we get used to their evil mood swings and tsunami-high intensity

Diary entry as of 13:07

💓

Diary entry as of 13:30

Love you my lion 💗

Diary entry as of 14:19

I don't mind not knowing what I'm headed for, you can take me through the sky / It's like being lost in heaven, when I'm lost in your eyes ~

Diary entry as of 15:20

If someone invites me out for coffee, should I say yes?

Diary entry as of 17:55

I want cuddles and hugs please

Diary entry as of 19:28

Hoooooome and still tired

Diary entry as of 20:43

Sleepy but still working

Diary entry as of 21:16

Sleepy, night

Eternity

This, up here is why we love

Repentance and Vows

Finally, I know my three personal vows and they have gotten clearer and clearer.

I could finally make genuine and authentic vows with direction, breaking free from the chains of murkiness and wrong decisions from youth. I have lived the last 15 years in excess and in satisfying desires ~ especially about seeking wealth, spending most of my time sleeping or resting, quenching physical needs, not fully living up to my commitments and responsibility, running away from responsibilities once they become too heavy and unbearable, not following up on my vows - they are just promises not fulfilled.

Looking back and reflecting on my past, I was not so proud of it, I was damaged and sick (emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally, spiritually) seemingly unworthy. I started an ideal in my mind, expectations that I grew inside my mind and my body and my soul; setting up goals from a very worldly perspective. The world of achievement, social recognition, fame, not knowing that these dreams and goals are not really worth having in the long run.

It took a long time to realize that I was sick (soul-sick, psychologically and mentally and most of all spiritually) and that I didn't realize I needed a community to save me and heal me, but life is very kind and faithful and loving, those woes I have recognized and even haven't recognized are known by life, each and every single one of them. So, in the deep darkness of ocean of sickness, I flailed, I tried to swim but then I drowned and then in the darkness, I was so lost and confused. Turning my back on the dream that really didn't support my development as a human being. Then as the dream vanish, my direction also vanished.

Maybe my parents' prayers and support really work. I found Tzu Chi or should I say Tzu Chi found me. I am very blessed to be given a Spiritual Master. I am very blessed. Finding a very strong spiritual support is my blessing and I will forever and eternally be grateful to their strong solid support. Finding Tzu Chi is just the beginning of my healing. Just maybe the start to half of the story. Of course, there is the process of healing and oh my, did I fail every time in fulfilling my obligations and responsibilities!

The lifestyle of Tzu Chi was something of a big life adjustment to me. Very very big adjustment. I was under the care and supervision of my achi. Being a very stubborn young woman, I never listened to her and never really paid much attention to all her guidance and direction. Looking back, I was ashamed and filled with self-disappointment. I really wasted my opportunity in valuing her guidance. I was terrible. I couldn't even go to work for a full week and most of the time I clocked in late. My respect for time and punctual-ness was not there in my early 20s, I was polluted by mindset and poison of college-centric ego. 

I didn't even know how my achi got the strength and patience to welcome me in the office when I got there late or when I came back from long habitual absences. I know the feeling. I know the darkness. I know self-doubt and I know being irresponsible. I admit I was that bad before. I deeply deeply repent to my achi for breaking her trust and for breaking her heart, all the time.

I also didn't finish all the tasks given to me. I just disappear. I just didn't listen to her at all. I didn't have self-respect, how can I expect people to respect me? But my achi, in all her kindness and saint-like patience, she kept on accepting me again and again.

So, yes one of my vows and repentance is about her. 

I deeply deeply repent for letting my challenges get the best of me. I deeply repent for all the promises that I didn't deliver. I deeply repent for all the promises that I have abandoned.

Then I vow that I may have the same virtue in keeping the saint-like patience and trust and care to all the people going through heartache, soul-ache, sickness in all its forms. I vow that I may have the virtue of holding on to faith and love when life gets dark and heavy.

Notes to the otherside 002

Is my shadow doing well? I hope my shadow knows that despite being moody and intolerable, I still love the fact that it is connected to me all the time.

My shadow will always be a very important part of me.

Hello my dearest, welcome back again

This post is related to the previous one, the one entitled, The Last Goodbye (A long version). For the sake of avoiding confusion, which by the way is not really easy as we are now murkily drowned in the waters of Fishes, let's call cutie pie = H.

I will try my best to use my blog space to process the taxing presence, non-presence and re-presence of H and others relating to H or altogether non-related to H but somehow magically and mysteriously showing signs of coincidence and exceptional conditions, in my virtual life. I would also like to examine the ongoing existential crisis I am facing in my life as I am living day to day with little less handle on the concreteness of life and as I endeavor to make Faith stronger in my life, both in spiritual sense and in other aspects of my life.

So yes, I would like to welcome back the undying support of those in far-flung countries, for continuing to visit my blog, thanks and welcome.

Perhaps this blog can exist in multiple dimensions haha, maybe H and other dead and undead, in the afterlife, underworld life, death realm can access this magical/mysterious blog. Who knows.

But yes, this blog welcomes all.

The living, the dead, those with unfinished business, those in the shadows, those in the invisible realm, those in the underworld, those living in the real life dimension, welcome all. Please feel my warm embrace as I welcome you all and as we take a moment to be together again however briefly in this magical/mysterious blog.

Though I have no intention to communicate with the dead or the undead or those who are not in this realm, feel free to voice out/type out your concerns, comments, reactions through this space, it is a safe space. This is a safe space for all of us.

I am grateful to everyone for keeping me company, for knowing this blog intimately by heart, by liking my past posts and by following the most updated posts in this blog. Thank you. Your small intimate attention means a lot to me.

I know we have a love/hate relationship, but still here we are, trying hard to be with each other for each other, supporting each other in different dimensions, all I can say is thank you. Thank you.

And please let's keep the love and respect and minimize hate in this safe space.

I love you all and hugs from me.