Sunday, March 31, 2024
Notes to the otherside 018
Monday, October 31, 2022
Friday, January 7, 2022
From my Hiding Place - Catalog 9
I have been really adamant to write because my writing would be tainted with so much pain, dark moods, sadness, grief and impossibly deep emotions that I can't even start to put down into words.
Somehow, in this bleak gloomy world, I don't want to add the same blood-dark tinted words to further lay waste in the collective glum of existence.
So, I kept my silence.
But this morning, I read some very assuring words from someone in the news, it goes a bit like this:
The beginning of the end of this madness has finally come.
And I believed it.
Finally.
Finally.
Finally.
It was a terrible underworld journey but we are still here, walking boldly, carrying our lives and our loved ones with us, fully trusting in the crack of light as we await the new dawn.
The 'death' journey for me this past week was beyond words, it was a deeper kind of purification, something I am prepared for since it happens cyclically to me, but it was something new as well. I wish I could put them in words, but words elude me.
Let me try:
It was a noisy sleep.
Noisy darkness.
The kind where you wish your brain just melts and disappears because you are haunted by so many worries, insecurities, questions, etc (maybe that's why there are dead people who have unfinished business?)
But it is more of a curse when you wake up and you have a vivid memory of the darkness and your death. You wake up and sh*t, you are still alive, though death would be kinder.
It is so easy to lose hope, lose humanness, lose yourself, lose faith, but I cannot and I do not.
I am tired of 'dying' it is not a good experience, it is something you want to forget after sleeping for two or three days straight, but you won't forget it. It is in every breath you take. It is like a dream that will haunt you, it can't let you go though you want to let it go badly.
But of course, after death, there's regeneration, rebirth, renewal.
Start from scratch again,
start again with baby steps
start again
start.
Saturday, September 4, 2021
The Reclaiming
This article from Kule (2004) talked about a very interesting topic, this is the link:
Interesting read, especially because it is September, the month of the sacred virgin whose body was the vessel for the ultimate redeemer. The holy mother whose role was functionally similar to those vestal virgins during the Roman empire, if you want some TedEd video about these vestal virgins, you can access it through this link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER0Cu0KQFqM
What do you think?
PS
This is also an interesting read, another retrospect from Kule (1991)
https://phkule.org/article/296/an-intercourse-with-myths-about-sex
Monday, May 10, 2021
Let me share some quotes today
I was really going to post about a quote from Gerard Butler, my favorite Phantom. You know, Gerry, he is sexy, deep and he exudes that Phantom charisma in him even when he is not playing the part anymore. This ever elusive bachelor (swoon) convinced a lot of POTO fans that even without proper voice lesson training, a really talented guy who can dramatize his darkness and passion with charm and flair in front of the audience can land the most complicated character ever to grace the theater/movies. If you could listen to his raw vocal performance in YouTube for the Phantom of the Opera then you will understand what I am talking about.
But yes, I was looking for Gerry's quote however, I came across an article praising Joaquin Phoenix's The Joker performance. I haven't seen the film yet, but I am a fan of Joaquin ever since Gladiator. The review talks about paradigm shifts on anti-hero becoming more understood, and even justified in his dark behavior. Anyways, this is the quote that I was looking for, imagine this was delivered with lots of passion and intensity by Joaquin.
~
Anyways, I was gathering some materials for this post that I come across this sentence
The society's failure to nurture a healthy masculine
Yeah, that...
Also I include this in my 2-decade research: the toxic masculinity
Why do we forget that men are also suffering? I want to deep dive into this pool too, but one at a time.
~
Also, who wasn't surprised by the big announcement of the philanthropic couple billionaire Melinda and Bill Gates. It must be difficult to go on their separate ways after 27 years together, but of course, there is a system in their relationship where Bill gets to do what he wants from time to time, now I am thinking about Melinda. Was she also allowed to do what Bill does? Does Melinda want to have extra affairs too? If the other one does it, does it follow that the other must do it too, for the sake of equality? What if the behavior of the other is not the same as that of partner? Will we call it equality too?
Well, those are very personal questions and we don't really know what their set-up as a couple is/was, so we have to respect their privacy. But one quote really caught my attention, it was an interview with Melinda about her own foundation for women empowerment.
Okay, now time for self-reflection as we enter another new moon cycle.
Laters again my dear readers.
Monday, August 31, 2020
Small measures
Sometimes, I just want to be a normal daughter, someone that my mom and dad expected me to be, but then again, I cannot and most importantly I am not. I really believe that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am just really a normal woman/daughter, but for them, I am terribly rebellious. Aside from that, for them I am taking a lot of time to get settled, like any other normal woman should be around this time of their lives. Perhaps they picture me to have my own family where I get to have a husband and children, in my own house having my own career. They have been pushing me before and even until now, but not so much as forceful push as years ago, now, they have the wisdom to just gently ask me about my long-term plans. I used to resent those times when they sit me down for their unsolicited advise, why would they push me into a mold that I am not made to fit? I don't really understand that.
They must be really just after my own good, but by that principle, don't they realize that they are imposing their own view of life on me? Don't they realize that I have my very own view of life and that I know how I should live it as I see fit. Maybe I sometimes fail to see where they are coming from, but do they even take time to find out where I am coming from?
I have my stubborn streak, yes I know and that's a valid observation. I also realize what having 'own family' means. I see my old classmates settle in their own houses, with their spouse and kids. I sometimes think that's good, they know what they want from life. That's good, they really have the long-term goal set for them in their lives. But it is not how I see my life. It is not what I want in my life.
However, not wanting to have the 'normal life' doesn't necessarily mean to have no long-term goal. Oh I really beg to disagree because I have a lot of long-term plans in my life. I have goals for the long haul.
I just really want my parents to see that I am doing fine even if I have different goals in life. That I am a caring and a loving daughter even though I would rather spend more time observing and exploring than settling down. Besides, since I am single I have more time to devote to them, don't they see it? Don't they see the benefit of having me in their house and that I can be wherever they want me to be because I don't have my 'own family' that I may need to prioritize over them. I just hope they appreciate my role for them from time to time because it is also exhausting, but of course, I won't ever give up on them because they are my parents. I know they deserve more from me but I do really try to provide it, even though it may come in small measures.
Friday, May 29, 2020
Friday Letters: but this time lines of poetry
I confess I became a courtesan, traded yearning for power, welcomed many rather than be owned by one. I confess I embraced a whore's freedom over a wife's obedience. I confess I find more ecstasy in passion than in prayer. Such passion is prayer. I confess I pray still to feel the touch of my lover's lips. His hands upon me, his arms enfolding me... Such surrender has been mine. I confess I pray still to be filled and enflamed.- From the movie A Destiny of her Own
sources:
https://www.lib.uchicago.edu/efts/IWW/BIOS/A0017.html
https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/10/17/ursula-k-le-guin-gender/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dangerous_Beauty
https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/07/10-tropes-about-women-women-should-stop-laughing-about/325782/
https://www.jstor.org/stable/42634820?seq=1
Friday, July 26, 2013
Friday Letters: Amelia Earhart's love for freedom
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Just about time
Must be the full moon again. Feeling deeply about my failed loves, failed dreams, failed relationships. Sighing from one minute to the next. Waiting for your email. Receiving calls from a worried lover. Reading blogs, trying desperately to connect to something that might give life meaning. What I feel is pain, dull pain in particular. Dull that I don't know how to release it. So dull that I cannot even contain it inside me anymore. Pains and frustrations, here are the bitter dishes that will keep me company to cold and empty dinner tonight. Sometimes there are moments when I have to resist the call of melancholy, but it is as we all know persistent, just like the cycle of the moon -- full, quarter, balsamic, new. Again and again this will continue, again and again this cycle will unfold whether we like it or not. It will conquer us and its waters will destroy our sandcastles -- oh well pain I am so used to you now.
What's the point of building when it is meant to be destroyed? What's the point of connection when we cannot really maintain it, after just days, we become strangers again. It is like a helpless pattern.
As the light of the sun fill the light-less moon, I want to reveal my pains and sufferings. I want the world to know that I am just human, that I can bear just the minimum of it. Because pain as much as truth, dehumanizes. I want to reveal the pain of longing, the pain of hoping, the pain of believing. But I guess the world is just too fragile for my hurts. Above all the noise of the city and the muzak of the neighboring street, it was just stale air -- nothing above that will take this pain to a higher being for immediate healing. No, I grew too bitter to believe that.
That it depends on us to redeem ourselves. Sariling kain, sariling busog. How religion make life so dry and brittle, how I feel so alone. How relationships can bring me to the top and topple me down unaware to the deep pit.
But I know deep inside, as I rescue myself from myself -- from utter pain to a place of hope and resurrection, that we are capable of that spark of hope to guide us through the dark. It is when faced with difficult questions that we remember our divine heritage. That we are capable of dragging ourselves out of misery, melancholy, pain and loneliness, it has to happen from deep within. That spark is the other part of us that we forget as we pay all our attention to mundane life. It must be time to wake up to that sparkling side of us. We are complete from the beginning, we just have to be painfully aware of it, every single second of our lives. The pain and melancholy make the soil of sparkling side of us rich, that we are ready for its eventual fruition. That it is calling us to wake up to a bigger part of us. The better part of us.
Maybe it's not too late. As I nurse my fever and as I watch the full moon from my window, I offer a silent prayer that we will reveal to ourselves that sparkling side of us. It is just about time.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Maligayang Buwan ng Hunyo
“What you perceive as "liberal" is my independence to choose what i do, with whom, and when. Moreover, it also means that i may choose not to do it, with anyone, ever.”
― Ana Castillo
Monday, March 12, 2012
A sight to behold
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| This is Alphons Mucha's painting. I got this from here. |
Thursday, February 23, 2012
New Moon Blues
Well, let's just say I had a very very very bad tantrum that I don't want to socialize at all, so I instead hid beneath someone very special's shadows. I mean I just really let go of all the plans I have for the day and just be. Apologies, my thoughts are still incoherent and I am not really making sense at all, anyhow, here are some of the soundbites that I really want to share.
1. Me: I am so sad. It's like I am so isolated and nobody understands me.
Someone very special: Mmm, kelangan siguro may stories akong ikwento para mawala yung ganyang feeling. Ganto, kunyari nagsusuroy-suroy ka . . .
Me: (Cannot stop myself from interrupting) WAIT, ano daw?!
2. Learning Japanese speak:
Burger (While at Greens)
Future (While walking to Pan de Manila)
SM (While eating at Bodhi)
3. Naaliw talaga siya sa phrase na ito: Infinite na sabaw! ^^;
4. Kapag kasi kumain si Masa parang nava-validate yung kasarapan ng pagkain, for example dinala ko siya sa Goldilocks para tumikin ng egg pie. Conclusion: Masarap ang egg pie :)
FYI: 10 Million yen ang cost ng pag-raise ng anak from birth to University years sa Tokyo, wow man! Investment pala magkaanak ngayon. Siguraduhing maganda ang genes at compatible kayo as parents ^^
| I long to be near the beach again. Oh, waves, be kind to me. |
Friday, February 17, 2012
An almost ending liminal stage
Words are hard to capture lately. I was thinking of writing last night, but ideas remained elusive. Well, maybe I will just concentrate on this piece of wisdom taught to us by my good Anthropology professor. We are in a point in our lives called the liminal stage. It is the place where we are neither here nor there. For example, we are studying now (in the University) to hone our skills to be effective workers/professionals in our chosen fields. The challenges given us during this liminal stage is always task-oriented. We need to study for the exam, write papers, do our reports, projects, etc. We are given these tasks to polish the remaining rough-edges in our talents, skills, knowledge and abilities, then one day, after the last marble was smooth out, when the last page of the book was turned, when the last word was written and when the last tear was cried, a door will open for us. Huge, big and bright, inviting us to the future where we will build the dreams and hopes we carried deep in our hearts. I do hope that when we finally reach that stage, we have the capacity for compassion and love to help serve the people around us. It is my prayer that we commit our talents to help save the earth. May we be light bringers!
I want to post a portion of a poem introduced to me by Masa yesterday, it's a poem about women by Marra PL Lanot. Masa liked this poem and actually I liked it too. Prof Lanot was my professor in Film and Literature subject. She is amazing!!
Babae Kami | Marra PL Lanot
"Babae kami
Nagluluwal ng sanggol
Na tagapagmana ng mundo
Marunong kaming umaninag
Ng hugis ng araw at gabi
Marunong maghimay
Ng kulay ng bahaghari
Marunong sumalo
Sa kaluluwang babagsak
Marunong magmahal
Sa pusong maalalahanin
Marunong lumaban
At magwasto ng baligtad
Habang naghahardin
Sa ikagaganda ng daigdig."
Masa's favorite line: Marunong maghimay
Ng kulay ng bahaghari
Friday, January 20, 2012
Committed to serving
― Janette Oke
Monday, January 9, 2012
Full moon reflections
she was stretched,
filled,
heard,
and she will never
ever be the same
again
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
. . .when her soul needs soothing . . .
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...”
― Pamela Redmond Satran



