Commitments?

New moon for all of us my beloved readers.

How was your new moon? Mine was full of stops and resting and just movies.

Yes I dabbled in movies, both local and foreign ones, to keep myself from thinking so much, if not then I might have done thinking overload, which is not good for mental health.

Well, honestly I am a bit ambivalent about my feelings over this weekend. Aside from slight fever and general feeling of being under the weather, my mind is actually in the crazy overprocessing of committing myself into 24months payment of something I have purchased using my brother's money. I mean I know I have commitment issues and just anything commitment issue like this one, like paying for 2 year loan is something I am scared of. 

I have not really done well with commitments. I have cold-feet about commitments, like payment, like work, like relationships. I know, I know, it is really one of my weaknesses. I am really thoroughly into long-term planning but the execution is not really word-for-word, like in any agreement. I get creative when I feel so suffocated by the words I fashioned into the agreement. I usually look for escape door right away when someone or something demands full commitment. 

By the way, when I said creative in the above paragraph, it doesn't mean positive all the time. I get creative because I wanted to escape. I wanted out. I wanted to be unburdened, my element of choice will always be the air, the wind, where I can be suspended, hanging into nothingness. I am not sure if anyone understands this. But if ever anyone understands that in me, I know it must have been painful for him/her because of the damages or the sabotages I have done or I am doing is really painful, it upsets security and safety, the very meaning of commitment. 

I keep on saying sorry, I keep on apologizing to him/her because I know I cannot be counted on when it comes to commitment. It is a kind of neat self-sabotage system in me. I keep on changing, I keep on changing my mind, I keep on unraveling the yarn, I keep on damaging the set-up, I guess it all boils down to my need to escape, all the time. 

How much freedom do you think you can bestow on me? How much freedom do you think you can allow me while we share our relationship? How much sabotage can you handle? How much pain can you take? Sadly, these are the things I keep asking myself too.

And in the process of allowing me that freedom, does your love diminish? Does your trust diminish? Does your belief in me and in us become non-existent?

I sometimes get scared of knowing the answer. I am still scared of being alone of course but it is part of me, my need for freedom. Is there someone ready to love that part of me, that very dark part of me?

See, that's why I know it is weird when someone reveals that they like me, I really had to reconcile their affections to me to my never-ending need to be free from something or from someone. There are times when I feel sad because when I 'go home' that someone has already moved on. Terrible isn't it. Sad isn't it.

Until now, I still have to process what is love, what is commitment, what is trust, what is betrayal, what is reconciliation, what is expected of me, what do I expect of you when you want to have this relationship with me?

This has been a sad post.

But somehow, I know sadness has a function in our lives. 

Even weaknesses.

Even our darkness.

Even our own cowardness.

I will continue again later, hugs my dears.

Interchange #39

Don't Tell 'Em | Jeremih (cover by Lorde)

Rhythm is a dancer, I need a companion
Oh, I guess that must be you
Body like the summer, you're like no other
Don't you tell 'em what we do

Don't tell 'em, don't tell 'em

Return of Lost Things (or friends and anything in between)

Of course, my dear readers, what do I love most in life is to make a list. Today is another one of them.

The title of this list is really simple, the return of lost things. As simple as it means, I have been seeing a trend of objects, people, ideas and circumstances coming back to life and they have been making themselves felt. I thought I have lost them for good, but no, they have a way of coming back. They sometimes even force their way into coming back to my life, but my energy is just enough for my daily routine and even now my energy is barely enough to hold my routine in the house in this pandemic era.

So, here we go

(A) Guadi is back! This one is a very happy news for me. If you may recall, Guadi died last August, but this weekend, my mom forced me to resurrect it by going to laptop repair shop. Yay, it worked. Guadi, my beloved overworked laptop is now given a second life. Welcome back to the living side of the world Guadi. I actually believed that you deserve the 6-month rest because you have been enduring impossible working schedules in the most grueling places and circumstances for the last 3 years. I am of course very guilty for making you work so hard, but you have endured it with me. And you know how lost I was when you temporarily died. But here, you are back in my arms again. It's so lovely to be working day and night with you again Guadi. Please stay longer with me this time, okay? I promise I will take good care of you, but I cannot promise that you will work lesser hours, sorry. But I know you know what it means to be my laptop right? 

So welcome back to the living part of the world Guadi ^^

(B) Doing my online classes in my bedroom instead of living room.

Mom and I had a bitter fight last week. She was tired of me banishing them to different parts of the house because I demanded a lot of space and quiet time when I am doing my online classes. Of course, I have known my mom my whole life, she is the kind who will only endure within her set limits, eventually when you overstep the boundary, she will retaliate with a bomb. I guessed I have been walking the fine line of her boundary until one day I overstepped, so she exploded and I was sent away from the living room before I could muster a proper look of surprise. I wasn't given a time to digest what happened at all, she just bullishly attacked me verbally and so I lost. That's really her style. It is still scary until now for me. My adult self is still scared of my mom, tbh.

(C) Friends starting to keep in touch

Oh yeah, I am sorry about this. No energy to answer and even I am at a lost on how to even start a catch up script in my mind. Like, hi how are you? Have you been well? How was your Christmas, New Year? blah blah. No, I couldn't imagine myself going through the stale script. I just wanted to be quiet. I am not a snob, it is just my energy doesn't support extra social communication right now. I am stretched in my online classes, housework duties and other writing projects daily, I can't seem to muster anymore energy to cover socmed conversation. Maybe eventually. But definitely not now.

(D) My old papers in my graduate studies

These ones, I actively dug them up from my vault. Interesting how we really change perspectives as years passed. I had been reading many old papers that I have written four, or three years back. Some of them I still hold true for myself but some of them, I need to trim or edit to sound genuine and true to my current state of mind.

So far, that's it.

 

Belated happy valentines my dear readers, I hope you had a wonderful time yesterday ^^

My mind and body long to be somewhere else

There are days when I can do a lot of multi-tasking, but this is not one of them. These last few days I felt like my mind was slower than ever. I don't like these kinds of day because it means work will pile up and I hate that feeling. How can I sleep at night when I know work is waiting for me to sort them out?

How?

But of course it could be that I have to listen to my body and my mind. Maybe I need to slow down. But still, isn't this the time of pandemic? I had a lot of extra time in my hand. I had been on forced vacation for almost 8 months now, along with mostly everybody. So, why am I like this now? 

I remember, I rarely took vacation leaves when I was still working in a traditional work set-up, I mean I had an office/academy to go to and a regular full time work load, and mostly working over time. Work is life, I was so used to that kind of set-up. But now, why oh why? Why do I get tired easily now?

But then, maybe it is because of the work set-up now? This work from home is not so new but it has been going on for months, so maybe that's it? I am still adjusting?

Is it really that?

Or maybe I haven't really gone somewhere else for the past 8 months and I haven't seen friends face to face for like eternity.

And there wasn't anything to do in the weekend like Saturday morning market in Salcedo? or Sunday market in Legaspi? or morning walk in the University avenue in BGC? or a jog in the oval?

Or maybe an open concert in the amphitheater? or fairs, or food places to visit or any kinds of bazaar? Nada. Nothing.

Or maybe just a quick visit in another province? A weekend in a beach resort? A holiday spent in the mountains? Or even dipping in a swimming pool? Or going to a special restaurant in a popular tourist spot, even the not so popular ones?

Those small short visits somewhere outside the city before the pandemic were considered quick fixes for the busy city lives that we lead.

But now, I believe they are not just quick fixes, they are actually necessary for physical rejuvenation and for maintaining our mental well-being.

When can we go out and explore and travel again?

Small measures

Sometimes, I just want to be a normal daughter, someone that my mom and dad expected me to be, but then again, I cannot and most importantly I am not. I really believe that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am just really a normal woman/daughter, but for them, I am terribly rebellious. Aside from that, for them I am taking a lot of time to get settled, like any other normal woman should be around this time of their lives. Perhaps they picture me to have my own family where I get to have a husband and children, in my own house having my own career. They have been pushing me before and even until now, but not so much as forceful push as years ago, now, they have the wisdom to just gently ask me about my long-term plans. I used to resent those times when they sit me down for their unsolicited advise, why would they push me into a mold that I am not made to fit? I don't really understand that. 

They must be really just after my own good, but by that principle, don't they realize that they are imposing their own view of life on me? Don't they realize that I have my very own view of life and that I know how I should live it as I see fit. Maybe I sometimes fail to see where they are coming from, but do they even take time to find out where I am coming from?

I have my stubborn streak, yes I know and that's a valid observation. I also realize what having 'own family' means. I see my old classmates settle in their own houses, with their spouse and kids. I sometimes think that's good, they know what they want from life. That's good, they really have the long-term goal set for them in their lives. But it is not how I see my life. It is not what I want in my life. 

However, not wanting to have the 'normal life' doesn't necessarily mean to have no long-term goal. Oh I really beg to disagree because I have a lot of long-term plans in my life. I have goals for the long haul. 

I just really want my parents to see that I am doing fine even if I have different goals in life. That I am a caring and a loving daughter even though I would rather spend more time observing and exploring than settling down. Besides, since I am single I have more time to devote to them, don't they see it? Don't they see the benefit of having me in their house and that I can be wherever they want me to be because I don't have my 'own family' that I may need to prioritize over them. I just hope they appreciate my role for them from time to time because it is also exhausting, but of course, I won't ever give up on them because they are my parents. I know they deserve more from me but I do really try to provide it, even though it may come in small measures.

We owe each other stories

 

These are parts of Sandman volume 8, The World's End. According to the panels above, we honor our dearly beloved who parted by telling stories. I couldn't help but post parts of it, just a sad day for our family today. We lost someone dear. The day started bleakly, and it was quickly followed by tears and heavy crying and it hasn't stopped yet. Maybe it will go on and on for quite a while. I hope my tita will calm down soon, and we hope that we can go to her house and offer physical presence and comfort but because of the situation now, all we can do is offer our love and embrace remotely. 

I am also worried about my parents because they were shocked too, and my brother cried so loudly over the phone too. I haven't heard him cry that loudly filled with deep grieving before. Basically, the hardest part is that we can't be there in person to grieve with them. We can't even offer a mass card. 

But I believe that my tito is in a better place now, a place without pain and suffering. But he will be deeply missed.

Friday Letters: Amelia Earhart's love for freedom

Today, I decided that Friday would be my day for sharing some letters whom famous people wrote that inspired and transformed the world. These letters are very relatable and relevant, although some were written decades ago. I remember watching SATC movie part 1, where Mr. Big, to get her back, sent Carrie some love letters written by famous and beloved musicians, thinkers, philosophers and authors. I cannot help but be curious and intrigued by how these great minds feel about love and sacrifice, faith and failures, challenges and triumph.

There is something about letter writing that makes us all very human. Maybe because we tend to pour our hearts out onto these pages trusting that the eyes reading them are in league with our minds and emotions. Maybe because writing private, much more intimate, letters is an art of marrying our heart and mind ~ a very powerful and compelling combination. Perhaps, letters also give us a context of the society that the author and reader belong to ~ the age, moral standards, milieu. Through these written letters, we will also see how they defied traditional customs, how they struggled to fit two or more inconsistent truths, how they tried hard to establish their convictions amid the great transition of their times.

We are lucky to be part of this generation where we have access to these intimate self-portraits of great thinkers drawn through words ~ their sensibilities, idiosyncrasies, pleasures, guilt and perhaps universal view.

~

Amelia Earhart's radical view of marriage is as liberating as her historical air expedition across Atlantic ocean. I never knew Earhart that much before, except when I heard that line from New Radicals' song Someday We'll Know ~ ok, 90s kids lemme hear you sing it ~ whatever happened to Amelia Earhart!

Anyways, being a curious kid back then I searched the books and found out that she, aside from being an author, is the first woman pilot (aviatrix) who fly solo across the Atlantic. She also attempted to circumnavigate (fly around) the world but she disappeared over the Pacific Ocean in 1937. From the looks of it, she sees flying as a very liberating experience, which unsurprisingly becomes the backbone of her life conviction - freedom. More than a very independent spirit, Earhart also has this radical conviction about marriage. Written February 7, 1931, our letter today is written in the morning of her wedding to George Putnam, her publicist. Seeing marriage as a threat to her freedom, she started the letter directly emphasizing their deliberate discussion of sharing life together and managed to finish it with firmness and careful stress of her love for freedom. She drew a very brave set-up of marriage for her and her soon to be husband. 

There is by the way a film entitled Amelia (Mira Nair, 2009) starring Hilary Swank. You can check here

Also, Amelia refused to have her last name changed, so she continued using her name until the very end. 

Sources:

1. Amelia Earhart official website http://www.ameliaearhart.com/

2. Brainpickings: Amelia Earhart on Marriage http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/12/11/amelia-earhart-on-marriage/?utm_source=buffer&utm_campaign=Buffer&utm_content=bufferd6940&utm_medium=twitter

Back to city life

Ok here we go, list again:

1. Open water swimming is cool, I really have to work hard on it though
2. Buy new eye goggles
3. I like the feeling of 'in transit'
4. Mas masarap ang kalamansi muffin kesa sa banana walnut muffin. But mas masarap i-partner ang muffin sa salabat
5. Mango cheesecake is best with Americano
6. Nothing beats acoustic music that is performed in front of silent beach surf under quiet waxing moon
7. Best time to make friends and talk to strangers? When looking for joey in Station 3 ^^

8. Walking barefoot on white sand <life couldn't get better than that>

Moving sideways

“You are carrying a masterpiece hidden within you, but you are standing in the way. Just move aside…”
-Osho

A gem of Celtic Wisdom

For Freedom 

John O'Donohue

As a bird soars high
In the free holding of the wind,
Clear of the certainty of ground,
Opening the imagination of wings
Into the grace of emptiness
To fulfill new voyagings,
May your life awaken
To the call of its freedom.

As the ocean absolves itself
Of the expectation of land,
Approaching only
In the form of waves
That fill and pleat and fall
With such gradual elegance
As to make of the limit
A sonorous threshold
Whose music echoes back among
The give and strain of memory,
Thus may your heart know the patience
That can draw infinity from limitation.

As the embrace of the earth
Welcomes all we call death,
Taking deep into itself
The right solitude of a seed,
Allowing it time
To shed the grip of former form
And give way to a deeper generosity
That will one day send it forth,
A tree into springtime,
May all that holds you
Fall from its hungry ledge
Into the fecund surge of your heart.