Sunday, March 31, 2024
Notes to the otherside 018
Monday, February 19, 2024
Hello my dearest, welcome back again
Sunday, October 15, 2023
The story of medicine refill day
Today is a good day.
Today is Sunday and it is time for family, for resting longer than usual, time to sleep more soundly, time for faith rituals, time for self-care and time for writing.
Also, this time of the year is the time for personal medicine container refill.
I try to take stock and refill my medicine container cyclically so I can check whether the contents are still usable or whether I need to get new supplies or just let it stay inside my small medicine can.
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| This is my personal medicine container |
Saturday, May 13, 2023
May this reach the other side
Wednesday, March 1, 2023
Saturday, February 18, 2023
Saturday, September 17, 2022
Moods #41
Tuesday, September 6, 2022
The Trauma of Getting Up Again and Going through Life again
Monday, August 29, 2022
Commitments?
Saturday, August 13, 2022
On technology, death and stories from ancient sages
You tell me about chaos, and chaos will never say a word but just sweep you off your feet and you will find yourself back in the alien world you come from.
What a weird August for me my dear readers.
First, I just completely lost all my marbles in the office. Just work keeps on piling up, documents over documents, paper over paper, deadlines over deadlines. I sometimes really genuinely ask myself, how do I survive each single day?
But this is not the only thing I want to talk about, because there is like a big drum of chaotic stuff going on in my life right now, which brings me to the next part of the list.
Second, my desktop is dead. Oh well, it was showing symptoms of decay and death little by little for the past months, but this time, death has been its reality for the entire week, usually signalled by three 'toot, toot toot' sounds whenever it decides to just boot but it never really rebooted itself. So, I am really in state of shock, my files, my documents, the things I saved all gone, without a trace.
*enter chaotic music
Anyways, full of frustration from such untimely death, I turned to my laptop, Guadalupe. She (laptop) died last year as well, I think I wrote something about it to commemorate its death. The pain of losing all the files I kept years and years and even decades inside its digital womb just gone without trace. What a heartbreak!
*enter chaotic and ominous music
But when I finally tried to turn on Guadalupe, wow it woke up from its death! and its files are still intact and she has really kept the documents inside her digital womb all this time! It's a miracle! OH MY OH MY OH MY,
*enter chaotic music with some gleeful accents
so I am typing this entry today from Guadalupe. Who says technology is predictable? Who says technology is just a lifeless inorganic current that we can command to turn off or turn on anytime. Actually technology has a life of its own, it actually uses a lot of organic elements as its base core. Our objects of receptors from this living organic technology has a tinge of ultra-modernity in it, yes that's true, but actually we are just looking at the receptors, but we don't really notice the invisibility of spirit of technology, which I think is as ancient as our oceans and our mountains and the wind system and the sun and stars.
I actually don't know how long will Guadalupe live. I am under her mercy. She has a mind of her own and I am just lucky to be able to utilize her gifts. I hope she lives long and well so I can create more with her.
Three, actually before I was pushed to turn on the desktop, I was thinking of Aristotle and his famous line: The whole is more than the sum of its parts. I am sure we all read it when we were younger and like you, I also tried to understand what it means. It is actually a very profound sentence and it took me decades to finally understand what it means, what it really means.
The whole is like a wave, it has a peak but we will never know the beginning or end of it. It is just a kind of ocean wave that shows its peak when it appears. A wave rolls, then keeps on rolling until it builds into a peak, like a climax and then it will disintegrate and will be leveled as ocean surface when it hits the shore or the sand. It is like a team, like a collection of people in an organization or a department. The energy generated by the people is so invisible but it is a living spirit within the collective. This energy will keep on interacting with the group of people as they perform their task. There will be moments of a person getting the peak, there will be moments when the person will be the start, the spark, the initiator. Then there will be the person who will receive the end of the energy for culmination. The energy keeps on shifting so the person can be an initiator in one cycle, or the same person can be at peak in the next cycle while another person gets to be a new initiator. See, it is the collective, it is a group and the group is not just people, their energies, their spirit merge and it keeps them bouyed up or it can actually drown them too. The parts do interact with each other and in those interaction, relationships are born and this relationship can start, then it will continue and it will perish too, because of the law of time.
See, so many factors make up the group, which is the whole as we quoted from Aristotle in the beginning. Time, relationships, spirit, merging, goals and weaknesses and challenges and achievements and failures and of course the vow of the group, its core mission.
Interesting how this simple sentence from Aristotle can really resonate to us until now.
I am also thinking about the story of orchard from Socrates which was retold by my spiritual teacher in one of her talks. She said that we have to learn to choose our direction from the very beginning and keep our commitment to it until the last day of our lives. This is how commitment and determination live on in a person. It is why we need to make vows because these vows give us the energy to power through any obstacles.
The story of orchard from Socrates begins with Socrates calling his students one day in front of an orchard full of fruit trees (in some accounts apples others, oranges) and he instructed his students to pick the best looking fruit and to keep on holding onto it until they reach the very end of the orchard. Some students find the best looking fruit and picked it and reached the end of the orchard while carrying the fruit in their hands, but some students came to the end of the orchard empty handed. Socrates praised those students who found the best fruit for them and kept it, while he felt sorry for those students who never found any fruit at all. Some students who came empty handed asked Socrates for a second chance to walk the orchard again, but this Socrates declined, telling them that he gave all of them equal time to find the fruit.
That is the story of the orchard.
Oh well, have a blessed full moon everyone and I will help myself to some of my ice cream in the fridge.
Thursday, May 5, 2022
I am neither here nor there
Saturday, April 23, 2022
Moods #33
It was a terrible thing, it was a terrible thing
To see her dying, inside, to see her dying
***
We keep on living and dying, every single dayTuesday, January 11, 2022
In the darkness, the seed quietly grows
I am at a loss for words
Definitely, lost, like my mind, for who knows how long
I don't know how long it will take for us to march through this wave of darkness, maybe 15 days, maybe 40 days, maybe 365 days, maybe years, maybe decades ~
I am not sure anymore
But yes, we have cracked a new dawn, I believe. However, the new life/new dawn doesn't necessarily equal to happiness, unfortunately it looks actually the opposite, I just want to stay inside my bedroom and be in the dark and wait for the world to just implode or for me to just disappear.
~
Yet, it feels easier to give up and not look forward to any day,
I remember my beloved teacher, she always reminds me/her disciples the following words of wisdom:
Take an inventory of your life, look back at your accomplishments and what you have done in the past, no matter how little it is or how big it is, the point is to make an inventory.
This is a grand lesson that we are learning right now, we have to hold on and keep the faith.
Stay connected to your source. Keep our heart and mind healthy.
I am grateful to my teacher every single day.
~
Although, it is so hard to find our footing in this endless darkness and shifting ground, let's be grateful for each moment that we are here.
We are given these challenges because we can cope and can thrive and flourish.
Keep surviving.
We are being helped by our guides and teachers, we are not alone.
You are not alone.
Saturday, November 20, 2021
From my hiding place - catalog 5
Hawkmoon 269 | U2
And the day yet to begin
As the room spins around
I need your love
Like a Phoenix rising needs a holy tree
Sunday, October 31, 2021
From my hiding place - catalog 4
Monday, September 27, 2021
Writing Prompt: Persephone's diary entry on alchemy of saving the body
I am talking to you now from a space deep in the sea, while I sit lotus position from the seafloor.
The sunlight barely touched the space around me. This is a space deep and dark and cold, full of beings living in the shadow, they who have adjusted themselves in the dark, their visions are as precise as those beings living above, in the light. They are magical beings, they are just shadow selves. I sometimes glimpse them, but they are too sensitive that they easily hide from view, making themselves at peace in the invisible realm, safely tucked behind their protective veil.
I too know the balm that this protective veil offers.
Everyone living in this deep dark part of the world understands the importance of veil. Like Hades' mythical cap of invisibility, it is a valuable protection. Because they who easily bleed can bleed and bleed, eternally, even with just one unintentional light pinprick. I can never fully explain how sensitive they are, but believe me, they are deeply deeply sensitive.
I am here to address something.
It is my moment of profound understanding that the old has started to unravel, to break down, to dissolve and alas no more. And it breaks my heart. Together with the dissolution of the old, I am also losing the meaning of many hard earned bench marks that have defined my life. For example, the definition of success, the definition of achievement, somehow the definition that the old norms have set for me. I am in the midst of destruction, in a more intense and profound level, where the structures before were merely just shadows or illusions now. They looked so solid before, but now, they were reduced to dust, here now it is just an empty space.
It has come to my consciousness that if I want to keep my sanity I have to save myself from those fallen structures, I have to dig, dig and dig deeper still to recover myself and with the self that will emerge, so should new definitions of these important benchmarks that I have adopted blindly into my inner being. The old is dead, it is poisonous to keep retaining it inside, it will eat my insides and kill the last living cells of me if I don't remove it. It is like an absurd movie where the soul is saving the physical body and the soul should know the inner parts, the hidden, from the outer parts which will be the one shown in the physical realm.
It is the time when the soul should rescue the physical body. The soul is the surgeon, the physical body is almost dying, ingesting poison after poison. The soul can touch the physical body, it is possible, but no words can explain how. But I have seen it. It is really possible.
I am not sure whether I have this profound insights now because my travel to the Underworld is nearing. My cyclical visit to His realm is almost going to start now. The long procession to his kingdom is going to start anytime soon, I can feel it in my bones. I can hear his voice clearer and clearer each day. Time for me to be with Him soon.
But before I go to Him, I need to redefine a lot of what I used to believe for the old is no more, but the wound it inflicted would never heal easily. It is a wound that one will carry in the heart for a long long time, almost for eternity.
To have witnessed, felt and imbibed something so deeply lonely and profound is enough to send one into an asylum, one would wish to not feel anymore, to numb the pain, to deny the almost inhuman emotions related to it. Just like the shadow beings I mentioned earlier, they are as deeply sensitive in those vibrations.
I will continue walking this universe of grief, the familiar silence and darkness, isolation, but I know I will re-evaluate the meaning of success, achievement, wealth, and those that we were blindly lead to pursue in the material world.
Indeed the darkness and silence in this universe is not as frightening as it was before, maybe I am learning to adjust, who knows. I am tightly holding on to my veil of protection in this journey, because we who exist in the shadow don't know what kind of vibration will life throw at us at any moment.
I do hope you will also keep your veil of protection around your body all the time.
Saturday, August 14, 2021
From my hiding place - catalog 1
I discovered Reb Fountain
Now I want to write
Her music pushes me to write
Her voice is just perfect for extended stay in the in-between space
Keeping me company in the dark while I catalog each little silly small stuff that I happen to notice
My ink will be stardust
My paper will be the walls and the floor maybe the ceiling too
It is going to be a long long night
Monday, August 9, 2021
The old one closes and the new one begins
It was a relaxing but a difficult weekend at the same time
I finally had a whole day of just staying in the bedroom and not doing anything
Just letting the time pass without feeling so guilty at all
Reminds me of that liminal period after hell week and the start of a new sem, during university days
It was the 'in between days' - time for recuperating, for releasing all those heaviness, and to just be
But what surprised me is that it is now taking longer to recover from the slump than usual
It looks like my age is really catching up with me
But the slump is deeper and vaster than before
It seems like it is just the beginning
It is ominous
Signs of the time to come
.
.
.
.
The future is starting sooner than I expected
Saturday, July 17, 2021
Are you going there too?
Sometimes it is so deep, it makes me want to just pack up and go back up where it is safer and brighter





