Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Sunday, March 31, 2024

Notes to the otherside 018

I am writing to you from our kitchen. I was exiled from my upstairs bedroom because it gets so hot in my bedroom from 11am to 5pm, my dad and mom decided to ban me from going up during the said times. They said I should stay in the kitchen for the duration mentioned above to keep me from having a heat stroke, so I am staying here with some of my journaling stuff, notebooks and phones and some reading materials.

To those who celebrate, Happy Easter!
To those who know the katabasis of the Greek Mythology and eventually Roman Mythology, then we know that we are in the middle or possibly the end of journey of Persephone from the Underworld to the good old Mother Earth, where we dwell. 
To those who watch Studio Ghibli, I liken the katabasis of Persephone to the story Spirited Away which I believe is a journey of Return to Innocence.

Persephone's anabasis (travelling up) is a yearly journey which transforms the Queen of the Underworld into Kore, the maiden again. We may call it resurrection, rebirth, or return to innocence as we remove and erase the old and we now birthed the new. Especially in Persephone's case, she has a new identity and even a new name, Kore, the maiden.

So, on goes the time on goes the time.

The path of grief is never done and our maiden is now walking the universe of grief again, getting fresh flowers for her bouquet of grief again which she will bring to the secret mysterious place where she will meet Hades again.

Anyway, let's have a good reflective Sunday. 
New moon is just around the corner.

Monday, February 19, 2024

Hello my dearest, welcome back again

This post is related to the previous one, the one entitled, The Last Goodbye (A long version). For the sake of avoiding confusion, which by the way is not really easy as we are now murkily drowned in the waters of Fishes, let's call cutie pie = H.

I will try my best to use my blog space to process the taxing presence, non-presence and re-presence of H and others relating to H or altogether non-related to H but somehow magically and mysteriously showing signs of coincidence and exceptional conditions, in my virtual life. I would also like to examine the ongoing existential crisis I am facing in my life as I am living day to day with little less handle on the concreteness of life and as I endeavor to make Faith stronger in my life, both in spiritual sense and in other aspects of my life.

So yes, I would like to welcome back the undying support of those in far-flung countries, for continuing to visit my blog, thanks and welcome.

Perhaps this blog can exist in multiple dimensions haha, maybe H and other dead and undead, in the afterlife, underworld life, death realm can access this magical/mysterious blog. Who knows.

But yes, this blog welcomes all.

The living, the dead, those with unfinished business, those in the shadows, those in the invisible realm, those in the underworld, those living in the real life dimension, welcome all. Please feel my warm embrace as I welcome you all and as we take a moment to be together again however briefly in this magical/mysterious blog.

Though I have no intention to communicate with the dead or the undead or those who are not in this realm, feel free to voice out/type out your concerns, comments, reactions through this space, it is a safe space. This is a safe space for all of us.

I am grateful to everyone for keeping me company, for knowing this blog intimately by heart, by liking my past posts and by following the most updated posts in this blog. Thank you. Your small intimate attention means a lot to me.

I know we have a love/hate relationship, but still here we are, trying hard to be with each other for each other, supporting each other in different dimensions, all I can say is thank you. Thank you.

And please let's keep the love and respect and minimize hate in this safe space.

I love you all and hugs from me.

Sunday, October 15, 2023

The story of medicine refill day

Today is a good day.

Today is Sunday and it is time for family, for resting longer than usual, time to sleep more soundly, time for faith rituals, time for self-care and time for writing.

Also, this time of the year is the time for personal medicine container refill.

I try to take stock and refill my medicine container cyclically so I can check whether the contents are still usable or whether I need to get new supplies or just let it stay inside my small medicine can.



This is my personal medicine container


Well, the contents are really simple:

paracetamol
vitamin c
cough remedy
antihistamine
chili porous capsicum
adhesive bandage

Potions

You see, it is so simple.
But what I really want to talk about is that I am inspired by this:


So, yes, I am in search of more antidotes because the dark is here again.
Also, the past weeks were full of revelation about health crises, I found myself in the position of bringing a patient to the ER, visiting a patient in a hospital ward, bringing a patient to a dentist, receiving news of death, receiving news of big health crisis and I myself had been under the weather for two full weeks.

The last weeks were full of bodies needing rest, bodies needing remedy, soul needing rest, soul needing healing, mind body and soul needing restoration and cure and rejuvenation.

We are all poisoned and we are living in a badly polluted and poisoned environment.
Our mother earth is really sick right now. She cries. She weeps. She needs help. She is asking us to heal her. We are her children, we need to help her. We need to find healing within us so we can heal her too.

She is waiting for us to heal her.

In this other half of the year, the start of collective going under begins as we welcome the new moon eclipse. I hope we find the light of healing as we go through the following months. 


Saturday, May 13, 2023

May this reach the other side


Little Drop of Poison | Tom Waits

another long goodbye

Wednesday, March 1, 2023

Saturday, February 18, 2023

Visual Journal Entry #2

 


Let's continue walking the universe of grief

💜

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Moods #41



Daughter | Youth, Landfill, Tomorrow

***
I thought I can resist posting this, but I am still emotional, reflective and unbelievably melancholic, so this video won. Yeah, still a fan after so many years. 

How can someone capture such tenderness in grief?
She sometimes comes across aloof but actually she feels a lot, she is just good at hiding it.
How can she put all these beautiful lyrics together with such lovely music?

She is a poet.
They are poets.

Anyways, Youth is still one of the songs that both shatters inside while clinging into your heart, relentlessly. Landfill, I am still finding its place in my heart, but I know it has a spot there somewhere. Don't let me even get started in Tomorrow, it is a song about longing but knowing that there will be separation after some time spent together. How tragic. How painful. How bitter. How beautiful.

Here my dear readers, sharing you one of the most poetic bands out there.
Such an ethereal performance. She deserves nothing less. 

Hugs to all.

Tuesday, September 6, 2022

The Trauma of Getting Up Again and Going through Life again

Most of the motivation quotes are very helpful, that's really true, but most of the time as we all know, they are easier said than done. My past few weeks were indescribably terrible, difficult and full of deadlines while I had to deal with multi-tasking in a different level: serving, assisting and answering questions here and there with urgency.

It was not easy. It was never easy. I usually just downplayed the difficulty level just to get me through another day, that was the routine for many weeks now. However, when the unrelenting storm of multi-tasking reached it peak and the trend is now going down, I had more time to observe myself, without a doubt I could see symptoms of trauma: anxiety, compulsive decisions, unfocused tasks, unproductive procrastination, fear of delving too deep bec of the pain of going through some tasks again, inability to shake the doubts and fears, insecurity, self-doubt, self-sabotage and lots of negative emotions.

I am no stranger to all of these.
I know these negative elements intimately.
I know them one by one. 
Unfortunately.

I was usually accused by my friends that I am spreading myself too thin, that I take on more than I can deliver, mostly at the cost of my mental, physical and emotional wellness.

I know this problem.
This problem is as old as myself.

I know this problem too well.

And I am aware of the signs and manifestations that my body is telling me; that my body is calling my attention to, just to signal that I am going through this self-abuse again.

Funny thing is, I thought as we grow older, we will learn to live with the trauma of self-abuse, but that's not the case with me. The symptoms are here, skin rashes, skin irritation, pains, aches and general laziness when there is free time. I feel bad about it. My plans as usual were shattered. I was forced to burn plans again and forced to watch as these best laid plan was set on fire and then burned and then they turned to ashes and then no more.

What good is a plan when you have to deal with the heartache of not following them? What good is it when we keep on not following through?

It is painful. 

It is where I got the idea that freedom is the best way to escape ~ detachment, not caring about the damaged plan, expecting emptiness at every turn bec it will surely arrive, however, I can sense there is a fine balance between being fatalistic about plans and just being really ready and prepared for the emptiness and damages and not being able to follow up. I guess there is a process where I can both plan and let go of control, without damaging myself during emotional storms or traumatic periods of life. 

I think there is a way for this balance to occur.

There must be a way. My spiritual teacher will always point out, there is a path. There is a proper way. There is a process. You just have to find it, study it, have faith in it, feel it and live it. That's why I believe in guides, in having faith, in praying for good affinities and in using time wisely because these are factors that weigh in a lot when decay and death metaphorically come to test our plans and our goals.

Let's keep the faith, we jump when we need to jump, but keep the faith.

And in faith, we will find a way to pave the path.

Monday, August 29, 2022

Commitments?

New moon for all of us my beloved readers.

How was your new moon? Mine was full of stops and resting and just movies.

Yes I dabbled in movies, both local and foreign ones, to keep myself from thinking so much, if not then I might have done thinking overload, which is not good for mental health.

Well, honestly I am a bit ambivalent about my feelings over this weekend. Aside from slight fever and general feeling of being under the weather, my mind is actually in the crazy overprocessing of committing myself into 24months payment of something I have purchased using my brother's money. I mean I know I have commitment issues and just anything commitment issue like this one, like paying for 2 year loan is something I am scared of. 

I have not really done well with commitments. I have cold-feet about commitments, like payment, like work, like relationships. I know, I know, it is really one of my weaknesses. I am really thoroughly into long-term planning but the execution is not really word-for-word, like in any agreement. I get creative when I feel so suffocated by the words I fashioned into the agreement. I usually look for escape door right away when someone or something demands full commitment. 

By the way, when I said creative in the above paragraph, it doesn't mean positive all the time. I get creative because I wanted to escape. I wanted out. I wanted to be unburdened, my element of choice will always be the air, the wind, where I can be suspended, hanging into nothingness. I am not sure if anyone understands this. But if ever anyone understands that in me, I know it must have been painful for him/her because of the damages or the sabotages I have done or I am doing is really painful, it upsets security and safety, the very meaning of commitment. 

I keep on saying sorry, I keep on apologizing to him/her because I know I cannot be counted on when it comes to commitment. It is a kind of neat self-sabotage system in me. I keep on changing, I keep on changing my mind, I keep on unraveling the yarn, I keep on damaging the set-up, I guess it all boils down to my need to escape, all the time. 

How much freedom do you think you can bestow on me? How much freedom do you think you can allow me while we share our relationship? How much sabotage can you handle? How much pain can you take? Sadly, these are the things I keep asking myself too.

And in the process of allowing me that freedom, does your love diminish? Does your trust diminish? Does your belief in me and in us become non-existent?
I sometimes get scared of knowing the answer. I am still scared of being alone of course but it is part of me, my need for freedom. Is there someone ready to love that part of me, that very dark part of me?

See, that's why I know it is weird when someone reveals that they like me, I really had to reconcile their affections to me to my never-ending need to be free from something or from someone. There are times when I feel sad because when I 'go home' that someone has already moved on. Terrible isn't it. Sad isn't it.

Until now, I still have to process what is love, what is commitment, what is trust, what is betrayal, what is reconciliation, what is expected of me, what do I expect of you when you want to have this relationship with me?

This has been a sad post.

But somehow, I know sadness has a function in our lives. 

Even weaknesses.

Even our darkness.

Even our own cowardness.

I will continue again later, hugs my dears.

Saturday, August 13, 2022

On technology, death and stories from ancient sages

You tell me about chaos, and chaos will never say a word but just sweep you off your feet and you will find yourself back in the alien world you come from.

What a weird August for me my dear readers.

First, I just completely lost all my marbles in the office. Just work keeps on piling up, documents over documents, paper over paper, deadlines over deadlines. I sometimes really genuinely ask myself, how do I survive each single day?

But this is not the only thing I want to talk about, because there is like a big drum of chaotic stuff going on in my life right now, which brings me to the next part of the list.

Second, my desktop is dead. Oh well, it was showing symptoms of decay and death little by little for the past months, but this time, death has been its reality for the entire week, usually signalled by three 'toot, toot toot' sounds whenever it decides to just boot but it never really rebooted itself. So, I am really in state of shock, my files, my documents, the things I saved all gone, without a trace. 

*enter chaotic music  

Anyways, full of frustration from such untimely death, I turned to my laptop, Guadalupe. She (laptop) died last year as well, I think I wrote something about it to commemorate its death. The pain of losing all the files I kept years and years and even decades inside its digital womb just gone without trace. What a heartbreak! 

*enter chaotic and ominous music

But when I finally tried to turn on Guadalupe, wow it woke up from its death! and its files are still intact and she has really kept the documents inside her digital womb all this time! It's a miracle! OH MY OH MY OH MY,

*enter chaotic music with some gleeful accents

so I am typing this entry today from Guadalupe. Who says technology is predictable? Who says technology is just a lifeless inorganic current that we can command to turn off or turn on anytime. Actually technology has a life of its own, it actually uses a lot of organic elements as its base core. Our objects of receptors from this living organic technology has a tinge of ultra-modernity in it, yes that's true, but actually we are just looking at the receptors, but we don't really notice the invisibility of spirit of technology, which I think is as ancient as our oceans and our mountains and the wind system and the sun and stars.

I actually don't know how long will Guadalupe live. I am under her mercy. She has a mind of her own and I am just lucky to be able to utilize her gifts. I hope she lives long and well so I can create more with her. 

Three, actually before I was pushed to turn on the desktop, I was thinking of Aristotle and his famous line: The whole is more than the sum of its parts. I am sure we all read it when we were younger and like you, I also tried to understand what it means. It is actually a very profound sentence and it took me decades to finally understand what it means, what it really means.

The whole is like a wave, it has a peak but we will never know the beginning or end of it. It is just a kind of ocean wave that shows its peak when it appears. A wave rolls, then keeps on rolling until it builds into a peak, like a climax and then it will disintegrate and will be leveled as ocean surface when it hits the shore or the sand. It is like a team, like a collection of people in an organization or a department. The energy generated by the people is so invisible but it is a living spirit within the collective. This energy will keep on interacting with the group of people as they perform their task. There will be moments of a person getting the peak, there will be moments when the person will be the start, the spark, the initiator. Then there will be the person who will receive the end of the energy for culmination. The energy keeps on shifting so the person can be an initiator in one cycle, or the same person can be at peak in the next cycle while another person gets to be a new initiator. See, it is the collective, it is a group and the group is not just people, their energies, their spirit merge and it keeps them bouyed up or it can actually drown them too. The parts do interact with each other and in those interaction, relationships are born and this relationship can start, then it will continue and it will perish too, because of the law of time. 

See, so many factors make up the group, which is the whole as we quoted from Aristotle in the beginning. Time, relationships, spirit, merging, goals and weaknesses and challenges and achievements and failures and of course the vow of the group, its core mission. 

Interesting how this simple sentence from Aristotle can really resonate to us until now. 

I am also thinking about the story of orchard from Socrates which was retold by my spiritual teacher in one of her talks. She said that we have to learn to choose our direction from the very beginning and keep our commitment to it until the last day of our lives. This is how commitment and determination live on in a person. It is why we need to make vows because these vows give us the energy to power through any obstacles. 

The story of orchard from Socrates begins with Socrates calling his students one day in front of an orchard full of fruit trees (in some accounts apples others, oranges) and he instructed his students to pick the best looking fruit and to keep on holding onto it until they reach the very end of the orchard. Some students find the best looking fruit and picked it and reached the end of the orchard while carrying the fruit in their hands, but some students came to the end of the orchard empty handed. Socrates praised those students who found the best fruit for them and kept it, while he felt sorry for those students who never found any fruit at all. Some students who came empty handed asked Socrates for a second chance to walk the orchard again, but this Socrates declined, telling them that he gave all of them equal time to find the fruit. 

That is the story of the orchard.

Oh well, have a blessed full moon everyone and I will help myself to some of my ice cream in the fridge.

Thursday, May 5, 2022

I am neither here nor there


Runaway Train | Soul Asylum

***

Sometimes I am not sure if Cereberus was given to me to protect me or to devour me.
Welcome to the evening of my loneliness, and as an extra, this is also the night of peak insecurity.

***
Okay Billie Joe Armstrong is sexy but irredeemably demented (this is a compliment!)
Well, Dave Pirner is also sexy and especially hot back in the days when he was dating Winona
Then when I opened the video of Reality Bites, awww, Ethan Hawke popped out, all hail Ethan, with all his awesomeness, hail hail!
 
***
But as of this writing, nobody can top Gerry, y'all let's give him 5 hearts ^^

***
Now listening to Boulevard of Broken Dreams, hi there again sexy Billie

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Moods #33


Dying Inside | The Cranberries 

It was a terrible thing, it was a terrible thing
To see her dying, inside, to see her dying


***

We keep on living and dying, every single day
Indeed, every morning is a new beginning
and every night, we succumb to the dark embrace of little death

Question is, what do we do between the waking and sleeping hours?

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

In the darkness, the seed quietly grows

I am at a loss for words

Definitely, lost, like my mind, for who knows how long

I don't know how long it will take for us to march through this wave of darkness, maybe 15 days, maybe 40 days, maybe 365 days, maybe years, maybe decades ~

I am not sure anymore

But yes, we have cracked a new dawn, I believe. However, the new life/new dawn doesn't necessarily equal to happiness,  unfortunately it looks actually the opposite, I just want to stay inside my bedroom and be in the dark and wait for the world to just implode or for me to just disappear.

~

Yet, it feels easier to give up and not look forward to any day,

I remember my beloved teacher, she always reminds me/her disciples the following words of wisdom:

Take an inventory of your life, look back at your accomplishments and what you have done in the past, no matter how little it is or how big it is, the point is to make an inventory.

This is a grand lesson that we are learning right now, we have to hold on and keep the faith.

Stay connected to your source. Keep our heart and mind healthy.

I am grateful to my teacher every single day.

~

Although, it is so hard to find our footing in this endless darkness and shifting ground, let's be grateful for each moment that we are here. 

We are given these challenges because we can cope and can thrive and flourish.

Keep surviving. 

We are being helped by our guides and teachers, we are not alone.

You are not alone.

Saturday, November 20, 2021

From my hiding place - catalog 5

Hawkmoon 269 | U2

When the night has no end
And the day yet to begin
As the room spins around
I need your love
I need your love
Like a Phoenix rising needs a holy tree

Monday, September 27, 2021

Writing Prompt: Persephone's diary entry on alchemy of saving the body

I am talking to you now from a space deep in the sea, while I sit lotus position from the seafloor.

The sunlight barely touched the space around me. This is a space deep and dark and cold, full of beings living in the shadow, they who have adjusted themselves in the dark, their visions are as precise as those beings living above, in the light. They are magical beings, they are just shadow selves. I sometimes glimpse them, but they are too sensitive that they easily hide from view, making themselves at peace in the invisible realm, safely tucked behind their protective veil.

I too know the balm that this protective veil offers.

Everyone living in this deep dark part of the world understands the importance of veil. Like Hades' mythical cap of invisibility, it is a valuable protection. Because they who easily bleed can bleed and bleed, eternally, even with just one unintentional light pinprick. I can never fully explain how sensitive they are, but believe me, they are deeply deeply sensitive.

I am here to address something.

It is my moment of profound understanding that the old has started to unravel, to break down, to dissolve and alas no more. And it breaks my heart. Together with the dissolution of the old, I am also losing the meaning of many hard earned bench marks that have defined my life. For example, the definition of success, the definition of achievement, somehow the definition that the old norms have set for me. I am in the midst of destruction, in a more intense and profound level, where the structures before were merely just shadows or illusions now. They looked so solid before, but now, they were reduced to dust, here now it is just an empty space.

It has come to my consciousness that if I want to keep my sanity I have to save myself from those fallen structures, I have to dig, dig and dig deeper still to recover myself and with the self that will emerge, so should new definitions of these important benchmarks that I have adopted blindly into my inner being. The old is dead, it is poisonous to keep retaining it inside, it will eat my insides and kill the last living cells of me if I don't remove it. It is like an absurd movie where the soul is saving the physical body and the soul should know the inner parts, the hidden, from the outer parts which will be the one shown in the physical realm.

It is the time when the soul should rescue the physical body. The soul is the surgeon, the physical body is almost dying, ingesting poison after poison. The soul can touch the physical body, it is possible, but no words can explain how. But I have seen it. It is really possible.

I am not sure whether I have this profound insights now because my travel to the Underworld is nearing. My cyclical visit to His realm is almost going to start now. The long procession to his kingdom is going to start anytime soon, I can feel it in my bones. I can hear his voice clearer and clearer each day. Time for me to be with Him soon. 

But before I go to Him, I need to redefine a lot of what I used to believe for the old is no more, but the wound it inflicted would never heal easily. It is a wound that one will carry in the heart for a long long time, almost for eternity. 

To have witnessed, felt and imbibed something so deeply lonely and profound is enough to send one into an asylum, one would wish to not feel anymore, to numb the pain, to deny the almost inhuman emotions related to it. Just like the shadow beings I mentioned earlier, they are as deeply sensitive in those vibrations. 

I will continue walking this universe of grief, the familiar silence and darkness, isolation, but I know I will re-evaluate the meaning of success, achievement, wealth, and those that we were blindly lead to pursue in the material world. 

Indeed the darkness and silence in this universe is not as frightening as it was before, maybe I am learning to adjust, who knows. I am tightly holding on to my veil of protection in this journey, because we who exist in the shadow don't know what kind of vibration will life throw at us at any moment. 

I do hope you will also keep your veil of protection around your body all the time.

Saturday, August 14, 2021

From my hiding place - catalog 1

I discovered Reb Fountain

Now I want to write

Her music pushes me to write

Her voice is just perfect for extended stay in the in-between space

Keeping me company in the dark while I catalog each little silly small stuff that I happen to notice

My ink will be stardust

My paper will be the walls and the floor maybe the ceiling too

It is going to be a long long night



Monday, August 9, 2021

The old one closes and the new one begins

It was a relaxing but a difficult weekend at the same time

I finally had a whole day of just staying in the bedroom and not doing anything

Just letting the time pass without feeling so guilty at all

Reminds me of that liminal period after hell week and the start of a new sem, during university days

It was the 'in between days' - time for recuperating, for releasing all those heaviness, and to just be

But what surprised me is that it is now taking longer to recover from the slump than usual

It looks like my age is really catching up with me

But the slump is deeper and vaster than before

It seems like it is just the beginning

It is ominous

Signs of the time to come

.

.

.

.

The future is starting sooner than I expected

Friday, July 30, 2021

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Are you going there too?

Grief, such deep sorrow
Sometimes it is so deep, it makes me want to just pack up and go back up where it is safer and brighter
But grief is a part of me, it is not something I can cut from myself and throw away
It's been here with me since I learned to think about my thinking process
It's been here with me since I cried my first tears
It's been here with me since I breathed in the moist air
It's been here with me since my first heartbeat

Grief is the twin emotion of all my other emotions
for example
I am happy, but therein lies grief at the other end of the smile
I am fulfilled, but at the other side, grief is just waiting to spring up again
I am validated, but grief is just stepping up its own game 
I am so alive, but the smell of grief is there just like how death can penetrate even the tightest of lids

but interestingly, what is grief's twin emotion?
When I am grieving, do I feel grief in the shadow?
When I am in deep sorrow, do I sense grief around the corner?
When I am sharply pained, is grief going to be the other end?

It's difficult to say
but right now, it seems grief is all enveloping 
somehow whole on its own
dark and inescapable

Is there salvation from grief?
Or is grief the major theme of my life?

But in darkness, I continue to walk, clutching faith tighter in my heart
I continue walking in the universe of grief.