Lately, I have been feeling deeply ungrounded. It's me being unfit for human company. I really need to dive deeply inside, to find what's bothering me. But of course, this feeling of just hiding under to hibernate for a very long time is not new to me at all. It has been happening like a cycle to me since childhood but I remember being more aware of it during teenage years, more particularly college time.
It happened during creative time, perhaps a better idea would be nearing finals. Those dates otherwise known as hell week in the university. Those were times when classes were dismissed by the professors so students can spend more time in the library doing research or in the workshop (sometimes photoshoot, editing, etc), creating something. It was a highly creative time and not to mention a highly isolating time especially for me, but it benefited me more because I don't have to face people or not forced to talk to classmates/groupmates. Coming from a small family, with only my brother to talk to or most of the time to ignore, I lived in a very conducive home environment where I was all by myself most of the time. I loved being alone from such a young age, I had cousins but I didn't spend time with them. I was mostly my own company and I thought that was enough. But of course I developed friendships during my elementary and highschool days and they were all wonderful classmates. Not until I developed deeper relationships in college that I learned that having a younger sister would be fun. I am not sure about having an older sister or younger brother, but maybe it would be fun too. That's the only time that I realized maybe I am missing something. Most of my friends have siblings either younger or older than them, and they said they grew up in a loud household but fun kind of loud. By contrast, I usually spent my growing up days with my lolo, mom's side, so I was exposed to the wisdom and guidance of people older than me for most of my life. But the household I was in was usually quiet, busy and lonesome.
So when friends talk about siblings and childhood, I sometimes don't have anything to share except that I had most of my fistfights and kick fights and pillow fights with my brother. My brother and I didn't really interact so much because we had different interests except for chess and boardgames and computer games. My toys were not his toys, but sometimes I borrowed his toys. When my parents went to work and my brother started to go to school, I spent my time with my lolo, because lola died when I was much much younger. And I loved my lolo. He was such a good, loving, attentive grandfather. I was the only girl apo for the longest time, so I got most of his attention. Yeah, in my growing up life, I was mostly the only girl ~ the only daughter, unica hija. I am used to being the only girl, it must be where I got the instinct of how it feels to be the only girl in a person's life. That's why I have a keen feeling when I am not the only one, I have developed that skill from childhood (subtle warning to guys) so beware ^^
Anyways, this isolation feeling yes. It has been hovering over me for days now and I am sure it will not go away, it will stay for a long long time. My experience taught me that I should do something creative, serving as an outlet for this deep undefined feeling until I figure it out (though impossible) or until I make a tiny little bit of something out of its deep waters. Sometimes it scares me how I can be very comfortable in being alone and that I am too reluctant for anyone to be in my space. It is not easy to let anyone in when darker days are here within me. I am so used to being alone so for people who will find me weird in the coming days, well here is a side of me that abhors sharing space, but if you are comfortable with silence, or just being present but thousands of leagues away (which is actually difficult to explain) then welcome to the dark daylights of my sphere.
