She'll tease you, she'll unease you
All the better just to please you
He's my
sunshine in the morning
He's my fireworks at the end of the day
He's the warmest chord I ever heard
Diary entry as of 2:21
Morning h
Diary entry as of 3:33
Welcome online guests from other countries π₯°
Diary entry as of 5:53
Hugs Hπ
Diary entry as of 6:24
Life goes on and on and on
Diary entry as of 8:12
Office and working
Diary entry as of 8:47
Down and drowning, out and cold, but still here, still breathing
Diary entry as of 9:28
Going to the big office
Diary entry as of 10:34
Back at the office, work work work
Diary entry as of 11:07
Ooooh 13! Kakakilig! π
Diary entry as of 11:35
Hugs hugs hugs πππ
Diary entry as of 12:23
Sometimes when we love monsters, we get used to their evil mood swings and tsunami-high intensity
Diary entry as of 13:07
π
Diary entry as of 13:30
Love you my lion π
Diary entry as of 14:19
I don't mind not knowing what I'm headed for, you can take me through the sky / It's like being lost in heaven, when I'm lost in your eyes ~
Diary entry as of 15:20
If someone invites me out for coffee, should I say yes?
Diary entry as of 17:55
I want cuddles and hugs please
Diary entry as of 19:28
Hoooooome and still tired
Diary entry as of 20:43
Sleepy but still working
Diary entry as of 21:16
Sleepy, night
Diary entry as of 12:22
I love you H, I am sorry I fell asleep
How's my H doing? π₯°
Diary entry as of 1:28
Big tight hug please
Diary entry as of 3:43
Big cuddles too
Diary as of 4:17
Kissing my lovely nightmare!
Diary entry as of 5:31
Starting the day again, my love π₯°
Diary entry as of 6:48
πππ
Diary entry as of 8:04
Office, work again
Diary entry as of 15:35
Hugs my H
Finally, I know my three personal vows and they have gotten clearer and clearer.
I could finally make genuine and authentic vows with direction, breaking free from the chains of murkiness and wrong decisions from youth. I have lived the last 15 years in excess and in satisfying desires ~ especially about seeking wealth, spending most of my time sleeping or resting, quenching physical needs, not fully living up to my commitments and responsibility, running away from responsibilities once they become too heavy and unbearable, not following up on my vows - they are just promises not fulfilled.
Looking back and reflecting on my past, I was not so proud of it, I was damaged and sick (emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally, spiritually) seemingly unworthy. I started an ideal in my mind, expectations that I grew inside my mind and my body and my soul; setting up goals from a very worldly perspective. The world of achievement, social recognition, fame, not knowing that these dreams and goals are not really worth having in the long run.
It took a long time to realize that I was sick (soul-sick, psychologically and mentally and most of all spiritually) and that I didn't realize I needed a community to save me and heal me, but life is very kind and faithful and loving, those woes I have recognized and even haven't recognized are known by life, each and every single one of them. So, in the deep darkness of ocean of sickness, I flailed, I tried to swim but then I drowned and then in the darkness, I was so lost and confused. Turning my back on the dream that really didn't support my development as a human being. Then as the dream vanish, my direction also vanished.
Maybe my parents' prayers and support really work. I found Tzu Chi or should I say Tzu Chi found me. I am very blessed to be given a Spiritual Master. I am very blessed. Finding a very strong spiritual support is my blessing and I will forever and eternally be grateful to their strong solid support. Finding Tzu Chi is just the beginning of my healing. Just maybe the start to half of the story. Of course, there is the process of healing and oh my, did I fail every time in fulfilling my obligations and responsibilities!
The lifestyle of Tzu Chi was something of a big life adjustment to me. Very very big adjustment. I was under the care and supervision of my achi. Being a very stubborn young woman, I never listened to her and never really paid much attention to all her guidance and direction. Looking back, I was ashamed and filled with self-disappointment. I really wasted my opportunity in valuing her guidance. I was terrible. I couldn't even go to work for a full week and most of the time I clocked in late. My respect for time and punctual-ness was not there in my early 20s, I was polluted by mindset and poison of college-centric ego.
I didn't even know how my achi got the strength and patience to welcome me in the office when I got there late or when I came back from long habitual absences. I know the feeling. I know the darkness. I know self-doubt and I know being irresponsible. I admit I was that bad before. I deeply deeply repent to my achi for breaking her trust and for breaking her heart, all the time.
I also didn't finish all the tasks given to me. I just disappear. I just didn't listen to her at all. I didn't have self-respect, how can I expect people to respect me? But my achi, in all her kindness and saint-like patience, she kept on accepting me again and again.
So, yes one of my vows and repentance is about her.
I deeply deeply repent for letting my challenges get the best of me. I deeply repent for all the promises that I didn't deliver. I deeply repent for all the promises that I have abandoned.
Then I vow that I may have the same virtue in keeping the saint-like patience and trust and care to all the people going through heartache, soul-ache, sickness in all its forms. I vow that I may have the virtue of holding on to faith and love when life gets dark and heavy.
Diary entry as of 2:54
Morning my nightmare
Diary entry as of 4:08
πππ
Diary entry as of 6:27
Going to work
Diary entry as of 7:28
Busy day today, hugs
Diary entry as of 17:31
Finally done with big work, going back to office now
Diary entry as of 18:25
Leaving office soon
Diary entry as of 19:16
Hooooooome
Diary entry as of 19:51
I miss my nightmare so much
Diary entry as of 20:38
Cuddles and hugs for H
Diary entry as of 21:00
I love you, my nightmare πππ
Diary entry as of 22:06
Good night, my lovely nightmare
See you in my dreams
Diary entry as of 3:00
Good morning my nightmare π
I missed you so much.
Diary entry as of 4:29
Very very very wet
Diary entry as of 5:21
I melt into you, always.
Diary entry as of 6:47
πππ
Diary entry as of 8:05
Work as usual <3
Diary entry as of 8:58
I love you my nightmare and in case you forget, I never not think of you <3
Diary entry as of 9:56
Love moves in mysterious ways - Julia Fordham
Diary entry as of 10:42
Monday, lovely Monday
Diary entry as of 11:39
Hugging and cuddling with H
Diary entry as of 13:42
Monday = Busy day
Hugs H
Diary entry as of 14:02
The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry
Diary entry as of 14:23
One and only H for me
Diary entry as of 15:36
Hold on tighter to faith
Diary entry as of 16:18
And
above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the
greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t
believe in magic will never find it. ~ Roald Dahl
Fate
Up against your will
Through the thick and thin
He will wait until
You give yourself to him
So as I unpack my boxes, and initially arrange some of the stuff in my room, surprisingly so, some things that belong to the past resurfaced. It actually is expected in situations like this. Yup, objects dear to us hold a lot of sentimental value and it reminds us of who we were in a particular point in time, not unlike how Voldemort hid his soul in some of his treasured objects.
I mean I don't have the magic spell to hide my soul in some of the objects that I will feature in this series of blog posts, but they do hold precious memories. Sometimes, these objects may remind me of the people who gave it, the intent behind it, or the emotions connected with it, it could go as far as the sketch of the moment as I picture it in my mind, the framed second - like a photograph in my mind's eye. But all in all, this series is to actually help me remember the past, as the floodgates of memory just kept on pouring and pouring, that I feel so lost in my tiny cabin cruiser in the middle of the ocean.
Actually before I go on about the sentimental value, the memory, the emotions behind the featured object, I would like to open up about the immense-ness of being lost in the ocean. In truth, I cannot capture the experience in words, but maybe in form of question, have you ever been so lost and flooded by deep, wave-y waters, that when you try to look into a big picture to map yourself or your coordinates, you are so tiny that you look like a tiny bubble or tiny dot in the humongous consuming ocean? Have you ever fallen deep into the water, not because you intend to dive, but just because you are clumsy or you lost consciousness, thus you accidentally tripped over the ledge or edge of bridge or boat? Have you ever seen the edge of the surf and imagined that the ocean is going to devour you deep into its bottom in the middle of nowhere, but instead of losing consciousness, you are aware of your situation, of your fear and of your anxiety?
I am not sure if I am making any sense but this is something that I sense I have been going through for the past year, it is like swimming and sinking on the dry ground because the ocean comes and fills up the solid earth that I am standing in, within just a fraction of a second.
Let me tell you my answer: This experience is terribly, terribly exhausting.
Imagine going through the same situation every single day.
My mind refuses to go through the same experience consciously, which is a good thing because it means that I can still control when to let the waters in or when not to, but I know I am running out of time, because somehow I know that someday, I will not be able to control when the consuming waters will come in, that's the scary part.
No wonder I am tired to the bones every single day.
But there is a gift in the middle of this, I am more intuitive, I am more connected to the unconscious, I can easily empathize, I can discern and filter more accurately, quickly. I used to believe that it is easy to spot the emotions of other people, just look at their pattern of behavior, then revelation will come ~ it used to take me days or weeks to finally pin down what it is that they need, but now, revelations come so fast, so quick - that I cannot even begin to comprehend why I arrived in the conclusion without even asking or formulating a question.
Just really incomprehensible.
However, my dreams are scarier now than before and more vivid and full of creepy stories. I wake up in the middle of the night with deeper anxieties and more fear than before.
Wow, I have been just writing and writing ~ time flies, now I need to cut this flow of consciousness because I have other pressing matter to attend to.
By the way, full moon weekend is coming up.
Today, let's talk about the reality of trauma and it's dark long shadow that it casts upon us. We who are still struggling as we learn everyday to walk with it, breathe with it, live with it and just trying to survive with it.
I mean I don't have the cure for it or anything, but I know how painful it is. So painful, layer by layer of pain, waves of bitterness, of holding your strength in front of trauma as it replays in your mind, of denial because of pain, of wanting to run away and escape from it ~ seemingly the only sane course to follow because who wants to be exposed to trauma 24/7?
That's why we create masks, that's why we run away, that's why we hide and why we escape, because it is the only way to keep it from overwhelming us and from totally devouring us. We create an escape universe, we create a different world where we can exist devoid of the fears and demons of our trauma.
It is not bad, actually because we all need to cope right? But what is bad is that we delude ourselves that we can run away from it, that if we bury it, it will just die and it will leave us alone. No, it doesn't work that way. Eventually, it will come out of the deepest pit, haunting us, confronting us, cornering us until we are face to face with it again. We are now being asked, are we going to run again or are we going to finally face it?
This is the life cycle of trauma, it can be as old as our life. Some people are so sensitive that trauma even started from the womb, they felt it right away. Some trauma started as early as childhood, conditioning from our primary caregivers, abuse or mishandling from them, manipulations and subtle controls. Those trauma that are as old as us, existing with us even from infancy, even from childhood when most of our basic senses and knowledge began developing.
So yes, I guess the only real way to face our trauma is to finally find peace within ourselves that this time I am fully resolved and whole-heartedly committed to sort out my baggage and my issues, I may not know how to handle the pain all the time but I am open to it and I am not running away from it. Building sustainable routines, methods and resolutions can help us to go on with small steps into the right path of recovery.
There are ways and outlets to cope with our trauma, like music, art, being with people who has gone through the same pains and fears, writing or doing volunteer work for the benefit of other people who need assistance.
There will be bad days, there will be down days, dark days and even time when we just want to abandon the path of healing our trauma, but I pray even for myself that we stay committed and fully resolved to our decision. In our path to healing, we really touch others lives in very meaningful ways. We really can open wonderful affinities with a lot of people who are also finding or following their path to healing. Just open our hearts, not just our eyes, they are around us. They are also like fireflies trying to lit up the darkness. A group of fireflies can really light up a considerable amount of space and they even emit some warmth that can touch many hearts.
I really wish we find the undying flame of our faith within ourselves and the deep well of our hope, it is all within us, to heal, to recover and help others in their path to healing too.
My weekend was a roller coaster of emotions.
Barely survived the weekend, but I held on tight to the promise of redemption that ice cream could offer. The fruity bits of mango and avocado flavors got me out of dark mood a little, though I can say that the dairy didn't really sit well with my stomach. So, it was a bloat-y, brooding, dark weekend.
I slept throughout the day. It was punctuated by my visits to the kitchen to get a spoon and bowl for my serving of ice cream. Then to counter the bloating, I made some green tea.
I couldn't help but just melt into my bed.
I wrote some emotional lines in my analog diary, my real notebook, the paper one.
Then reflected on my life.
Then talked with my best friend.
Elfster.
What is the difference between a girl and a woman?
Why is it hard to maintain relationships?
Why is life difficult?
Those kinds of topics.
Then I slept and slept and slept.
Dreamt of so many weird stuff.
Occasionally checking my phone.
Listened to Cooky Chua a lot, on repeat.
She is the embodiment of a woman for me.
Just listen to her sing, she will reveal what a woman is.
Then I had some Regina Spektor songs in the background while I reflect about my relationships.
Then I think about moleskin.
And my pens.
And about my life, about my plans, about my emotions.
Then all of a sudden it is Monday.
The foot, the ground, the flesh and the bone
The beat of the road, a slingshot's stone
A fish, a flash, a silvery glow
A fight, a bet, the flange of a bow
The bed of the well, the end of the line
The dismay in the face, it's a loss, it's a find
~
March is the time of the year when I have to hold my breath, not unlike swimming. It is being under. Deep deep under, but not the sort of contained water, it is being in the swirly, dizzy, ever-morphing layers of water. Yes, water has layers. Observe when we swim, there are different pressures, different water temperatures, different gradations of water, have you ever noticed that?
Somehow, these waters of March are mesmerizing. They entice and they lead you to follow them. But to explore them thoroughly and to catalog them, that's an impossible task. Water refuses to be analyzed and named and rationalized, they don't even want to be contained, it is rude for them. That's one part of their nature. But why do I keep on trying to do it? Why oh why? I tried to understand myself and I tried to explain to myself, but to no avail.
The funny thing is, when I finally decide to leave the waters alone, after a while and after they realized it, they keep on coming to me. They get back to me like a deluge or, like an angry storm, or sometimes both at the same time. So, my poor self is always drenched. Both sides, above and below, heaven and earth. What a poor, poor soul I have.
I have tried running away. I have tried avoiding them. I have tried floating away, but then they will come around and find me and I have no choice but to engage with them. No use running away, they will find me anyway.
What to do? What to do?
I have to build a system where I can co-exist with them harmoniously.
Am I making sense?
I am not, and I don't care.
I will just keep on listening to Aguas de Marco.
