Moods #81

Angel of the Morning | Chrissie Hydne

Through the tears
Of the day
Of the years

Moods #38

More than this | Roxy Music

More than this
You know there's nothing
More than this
Tell me one thing
More than this
Ooh there's nothing

It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like a dream in the night
Who can say where we're going?

* I want to watch Lost in Translation again :(

Moods #10

 

A dissolution

As we have now entered the sixth month of quarantine measures, I must say that I am getting so used to my new routine in the house. I wake up early, I had to do house chores, do online stuff, help parents, conduct classes, and then some hobbies here and there offline, which actually helps in keeping the sanity; I do them over and over again, day after day. To some it might be boring but for me, that's called structure. 

As we collectively and bravely step into the uncharted course of this new world, I often find myself looking back at my daily diary log, from last year up until the start of quarantine. Not sure what I am looking for, but I am definitely looking for something that may help shine some light of inspiration to this dark uncharted path. Definitely last year was unprecedented, definitely last year was one of the biggest upheavals in my life. But actually, thinking back, it was not something sudden, it was something slow in the making and eventually last year was the year where it catapulted. 

Though it was slow in the build-up, it is still change, hence it is still painful. In comparison, there were moments in my life when changes are sudden, and of course those are solid core-deep painful changes. Like failing an interview for a job position that I desire, or not getting the subject in the school program that I know will help me with my studies. 

I have this weird relationship with change, I abhor it but sometimes I terribly need it. I couldn't fully function when I know something has already used up its functionality and that it is time for it to leave or to be cast away, but it is still there in my own sphere. If it happens I cut it heartlessly, no thinking twice, not even a blink. So I am also capable of swift sudden changes without pain. 

Feels like I am not making sense at all.

Maybe I want to talk about so many changes in my life and in my relationships. Like letting go of some people, maybe by talking about it I can understand it more. It would be easier to digest. 

It is because in my life, I have learned that people are not just people. They represent a part of me, they are the other half of the goal-shared, they are the other half of the planning, dreaming and scheming. So when they leave, it is like these plans just vanished along with them. It is like a room that I couldn't visit anymore because its door has permanently shut. It's heartbreaking because I grew to love that room and I even designed some corners of it, but now I couldn't even get a glimpse of it. See, change is painful. But I can talk about it now because I expected it and I know eventually it will happen, but I am not prepared for the residual pain. 

It hurts.

Maybe it will hurt some more in the next few days or months. 

But it is done.

All that's left is pain and failures and unrealized dreams.

I knew all along it was not meant to be, but it still hurts.

No matter how prepared we are logically and practically, there will always be that part that we can't control.

I know it is for the best of everyone, for the best of each one involved.

I remember days ago, I was watching this live broadcast of ABBA in 1979, releasing their new single The winner takes it all, Agnetha was asked to sing in front of the camera just days after her divorce with Bjorn. Of course Agnetha in her graceful way performed and delivered with such dignified class. There were short glances at Bjorn while she belted out some poignant lines in the song. Note: Bjorn wrote this song during the couples' falling out in their marriage. Up to this day, I don't know how Agnetha handled that kind of trauma, dramatizing her marriage story in front of millions of TV audience while her ex-husband was innocently playing the guitar beside her. Their marriage produced two kids and just a week after divorce, Bjorn reportedly went out with his new girlfriend. What a guy!

Just looking at Agnetha's eyes while performing, my tears welled up. Looked like she was fighting the tears while bringing a solid message through the song, that there is life after the dissolution of something that used to be wonderful. Something that used to define her. Something that used to be the world to her and perhaps her ex-husband. 

Yes, that's what I was looking for. A dissolution of a world. It used to be there, but now it is nowhere. It is just dust. Just an empty space. 

How does one survive a dissolution of a world?

Denial?

Diving into work?

How can one survive when so many layers of personality was deeply ingrained in that now-defunct world?

Build a new personality?

Build a new life?

Assume a new identity?

Maybe there will be more questions in the next few days, in the next few months, but in the mean time, I just want to watch Agnetha sing that song again.

Cycle of Light

Full moon tonight my dear friends.

Don't I love full moons? Yeah, I do.

According to some books I read, moon cycles are like the stages in a females' life, there's the maidenhood (new moon, waxing) then the motherhood (full moon) and  of course the Crone / Sage phase (full moon, waning) and finally, the silent/quiet wisdom of death (waning to new moon again). 

Maidenhood is of course the stage where everything feels possible. The raw and strong energy is on the verge of blossoming. We learn, we fail, we integrate and then we own our skills and talents from these experiences. It is the time of high ideals and lofty dreams. All potentials are welcome. It is like there's no limit at all, but this energy is actually a preparation for something more, something bigger, something that is yet to come. 

Motherhood is not always literally about conceiving and parenting. For some, it can really mean bringing a baby into the world, but to others it may mean nurturing something or creating something for the world. It could be a project, it could be a system, it could be an artistic creation. The energy here is the expression of manifestation of the energy from maidenhood. The continuation of what we internalised and cultivated when we were younger, when the energy was still raw and free like the wind. In this phase of motherhood, we are called to shape it and bring it out in the physical realm because its fullness has been achieved. I read somewhere that when a mother gave birth, she will be nursing and nurturing the young for about 20 years, so full moon/motherhood energy is not really short, it is actually quite a span of time. There is a flavor of mindful commitment in this phase as compared to the maidenhood because it is not solitude anymore. The woman will be taking care of (mothering) another life form 24/7, that's where all the maturity must be practiced aside from patience and feminine strength. Where in maidenhood there was a bit of seclusion from the world, I feel that motherhood is being out there in the world, showing the fullness and completion of feminine energy.

Next, there is the crone / sage phase, possibly the time of wisdom that comes from age and experiences. It is a time when ripeness achieved its full form already that the energy will now turn into a different kind of shape or vibration. There is brilliance that comes with it and a vision that is tempered by deep sensitivity to realities of life after experiencing it in many cycles. Maybe time to go inwards again, fully focusing on a rich inner world created through the tides of life and love. 

Eventually, there is death. The greatest mystery of all. That's the perfect rest and quiet after weathering all there is to face in the world. Death is yet a vehicle for rebirth where the cycle will continue again and again.

~

So, let's honor the full moon as it reminds us that in life, there is always a time for everything. Perhaps we are feeling scared, melancholic, or that sometimes emotions have been there with us for too long, the moon cycle reminds us that things eventually fizzle out, that the hold of these emotions on us actually ends; and like it or not it is not permanent. There is always a beginning and an ending. Like the talents that we choose to cultivate, we can choose which emotions to cut and which ones to intensify. We are in control, we just have to be mindful. And when it is time to let go, then let go and let it be. Trust that life will fill it in. 

Deep beautiful melancholy

I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

- Elizabethtown
Cameron Crowe

Healing potion

God Universe has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself

Beginning of Autumn

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” 
― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

Too soon

I think I did what I do best again and again. Oh, how I always run away from commitment. Watch me bleed again. Welcome Autumn, you come too soon this year :'(

Girl Anachronism 

I don't necessarily 

Believe there is a cure for this 

So I might join your century 

But only as a doubtful guest

Finally out of tremendous pressure

So this is how it feels to finally reach the quiet apex after days and hours of scaling the slope. Indeed, it calms the tired soul and alters the magnitude of imagination.

~

Full moon taking stock and readjustment (nth time, part of infinite series)

Have been down and out during this full moon phase, that I have conveniently let go of any intentions to clean and organise my things in my dorm. How bad is that? How bad is it that I have been very neglectful of my plans and to do list? What is happening? My Teacher will definitely be wary about it. Am so frustrated, three weeks behind paper works and I need to submit this paper on Thursday. Tell me about being diligent when it is hard to open my eyes in the morning and concentrate on my classes. What the . . . I thought I am diligent and all thanks a lot to my immaturity, welcome to the hell of unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished to do lists. It’s been so long since the last time I was here.  I might stay awhile, though I know I can reverse the situation if I get my act together right away. I need to get out of this place right away.

This is how it works . . . none of them worked home. You prayed you won’t get harmed, but even if it does you will do it all again. (On the radio, Regina Spektor)

Things I learned from the last relationship are what I am practicing now in my present, but I know I have to learn a lot. Apparently, everyone is feeling a little weird this week, or am just hoping am not alone at all. My energy is waning, my ability to concentrate is suffering, my dreams are dissolving and my financial budget is non-existent at all. Thank you very much for stability and security that I’ve dreamt of each and every step of the way. WELCOME TO DISSOLVING VILLE WHERE EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH IS JUST AN ILLUSION.

So what now? Am not sure either, I read in a blog somewhere that I have to work with the energies, not fight them. If the waves took me here, then it must be where I should be. I should stop thinking and wishing for something better. I should start my Compassion Plan where everything is less (because less is more)

COMPASSION PLAN (for everyday lifestyle) SELF and OTHERS

1. Wake up 4:30am to plan, pray and write my dreams and to do list for the day.

2. Be 80% full every meal time.

3. Practice tolerance without fail, every single moment.

4. Sleep around 12 midnight. Write what I fulfilled and balance it with my original plan*. LEARN ACCEPTANCE. The road to learning acceptance is to learn to accept myself first. Perfection is not attainable, we can try though, but keeping close to the path of life that I chose is more important now.

*Be happy if one plan was accomplished. Two is excellent. Three is too much.

**The key is to edit every single day. Edit without fail. Try without fail. Recognise wisdom. Learn humility every single moment. BE MINDFUL EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

I need structure right now, but am sure it’s not the most solid of structures if I start building now. Things need to be reviewed, revised, reassessed and reconsidered. Writing is editing as said by my good teacher, Armando Lao, as with life, we have to keep on living and learning. Learning is the editing part, very difficult, we must be diligent. We must keep learning, slow and steady to integrate the knowledge. Keep faith. Keep on writing. Keep on living. Keep on trying every single moment. And if in case what happens is the opposite of what I dreamt of and planned for, I have plenty of space for adjustments. After all I am a student of life; I have my whole lifetime to learn.

Endings give me a deeper perspective

So there my good friends, two BIG life cycles are ending right now. Yes my life as I know it is definitely taking a new form, bordering on something very foreign, very unfamiliar, very new. I always believe that relationships especially with people don't end, they just evolve. They take on a different definition as we grow into adulthood. From something shallow to something very deep or vice versa.
It was a monumental weekend for me. My NGO is leaving me or my NGO is moving on without me (I prefer to see it that way because I refuse to think that I was the one who left.) AND the OTHER major relationship, oh, well no words can describe the emotions, the silence, the emptiness. It ended. OR rather it transformed. It evolved. It left me unhinged. Tears, tears, tears . . . Am getting used to not analyzing anymore because I am afraid of what my emotions, my rational mind, my soul may reveal to me. Not right. But it's good. It works for me. So there, period. No questions. No doubts. No anything. No fuss.
This is pure me. Raw. New. Tabula rasa. Clean slate. Great. Gotta move on . . . Faith not fear.

Freedom

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.”
― Jim Morrison

Relationships

A big pile of soiled clothes looking at me across the room --- wash me.

The loud tick-tock sound of the wall clock --- it's nearing 8PM, hear me.

My Anthro readings lying on the bed --- read me!

Dry and humid evening --- feel me.

Why can't I make it final? What's stopping me from leaving it?

I want to be free . . . yes. Free from the chains of our past, of the inequality, of what went before.

I have to free myself. I will be strong. I will be disciplined. I will hope.

I am solid. I am rock-hard. I am stable.

(repeat for two weeks) this will make me overcome it all. I believe.

De quelle couleur est votre rêve?

-------> Gone reading, busy with acads!

Warning!

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickles for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

by Jenny Joseph