The Trauma of Getting Up Again and Going through Life again

Most of the motivation quotes are very helpful, that's really true, but most of the time as we all know, they are easier said than done. My past few weeks were indescribably terrible, difficult and full of deadlines while I had to deal with multi-tasking in a different level: serving, assisting and answering questions here and there with urgency.

It was not easy. It was never easy. I usually just downplayed the difficulty level just to get me through another day, that was the routine for many weeks now. However, when the unrelenting storm of multi-tasking reached it peak and the trend is now going down, I had more time to observe myself, without a doubt I could see symptoms of trauma: anxiety, compulsive decisions, unfocused tasks, unproductive procrastination, fear of delving too deep bec of the pain of going through some tasks again, inability to shake the doubts and fears, insecurity, self-doubt, self-sabotage and lots of negative emotions.

I am no stranger to all of these.

I know these negative elements intimately.

I know them one by one. 

Unfortunately.

I was usually accused by my friends that I am spreading myself too thin, that I take on more than I can deliver, mostly at the cost of my mental, physical and emotional wellness.

I know this problem.

This problem is as old as myself.

I know this problem too well.

And I am aware of the signs and manifestations that my body is telling me; that my body is calling my attention to, just to signal that I am going through this self-abuse again.

Funny thing is, I thought as we grow older, we will learn to live with the trauma of self-abuse, but that's not the case with me. The symptoms are here, skin rashes, skin irritation, pains, aches and general laziness when there is free time. I feel bad about it. My plans as usual were shattered. I was forced to burn plans again and forced to watch as these best laid plan was set on fire and then burned and then they turned to ashes and then no more.

What good is a plan when you have to deal with the heartache of not following them? What good is it when we keep on not following through?

It is painful. 

It is where I got the idea that freedom is the best way to escape ~ detachment, not caring about the damaged plan, expecting emptiness at every turn bec it will surely arrive, however, I can sense there is a fine balance between being fatalistic about plans and just being really ready and prepared for the emptiness and damages and not being able to follow up. I guess there is a process where I can both plan and let go of control, without damaging myself during emotional storms or traumatic periods of life. 

I think there is a way for this balance to occur.

There must be a way. My spiritual teacher will always point out, there is a path. There is a proper way. There is a process. You just have to find it, study it, have faith in it, feel it and live it. That's why I believe in guides, in having faith, in praying for good affinities and in using time wisely because these are factors that weigh in a lot when decay and death metaphorically come to test our plans and our goals.

Let's keep the faith, we jump when we need to jump, but keep the faith.

And in faith, we will find a way to pave the path.