Commitments?

New moon for all of us my beloved readers.

How was your new moon? Mine was full of stops and resting and just movies.

Yes I dabbled in movies, both local and foreign ones, to keep myself from thinking so much, if not then I might have done thinking overload, which is not good for mental health.

Well, honestly I am a bit ambivalent about my feelings over this weekend. Aside from slight fever and general feeling of being under the weather, my mind is actually in the crazy overprocessing of committing myself into 24months payment of something I have purchased using my brother's money. I mean I know I have commitment issues and just anything commitment issue like this one, like paying for 2 year loan is something I am scared of. 

I have not really done well with commitments. I have cold-feet about commitments, like payment, like work, like relationships. I know, I know, it is really one of my weaknesses. I am really thoroughly into long-term planning but the execution is not really word-for-word, like in any agreement. I get creative when I feel so suffocated by the words I fashioned into the agreement. I usually look for escape door right away when someone or something demands full commitment. 

By the way, when I said creative in the above paragraph, it doesn't mean positive all the time. I get creative because I wanted to escape. I wanted out. I wanted to be unburdened, my element of choice will always be the air, the wind, where I can be suspended, hanging into nothingness. I am not sure if anyone understands this. But if ever anyone understands that in me, I know it must have been painful for him/her because of the damages or the sabotages I have done or I am doing is really painful, it upsets security and safety, the very meaning of commitment. 

I keep on saying sorry, I keep on apologizing to him/her because I know I cannot be counted on when it comes to commitment. It is a kind of neat self-sabotage system in me. I keep on changing, I keep on changing my mind, I keep on unraveling the yarn, I keep on damaging the set-up, I guess it all boils down to my need to escape, all the time. 

How much freedom do you think you can bestow on me? How much freedom do you think you can allow me while we share our relationship? How much sabotage can you handle? How much pain can you take? Sadly, these are the things I keep asking myself too.

And in the process of allowing me that freedom, does your love diminish? Does your trust diminish? Does your belief in me and in us become non-existent?

I sometimes get scared of knowing the answer. I am still scared of being alone of course but it is part of me, my need for freedom. Is there someone ready to love that part of me, that very dark part of me?

See, that's why I know it is weird when someone reveals that they like me, I really had to reconcile their affections to me to my never-ending need to be free from something or from someone. There are times when I feel sad because when I 'go home' that someone has already moved on. Terrible isn't it. Sad isn't it.

Until now, I still have to process what is love, what is commitment, what is trust, what is betrayal, what is reconciliation, what is expected of me, what do I expect of you when you want to have this relationship with me?

This has been a sad post.

But somehow, I know sadness has a function in our lives. 

Even weaknesses.

Even our darkness.

Even our own cowardness.

I will continue again later, hugs my dears.