Pag(ba)Balik Loob part 5

I will always love you | Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham)

***

To those we have shared our heart and love and soul with,

 who are no longer with us, may they feel loved and cherished even in the afterlife 💚

Notes to the otherside 069

Diary entry as of 5:08

Morning my dear darling departed nightmare, hugging you tight

Diary entry as of 15:26

I feel you my dear darling nightmare

Revelations and the Full Moon

The dark path opens again as the time of year continues to move towards the deep blackness.

Surprisingly, my dear darling nightmare's name is all over the place as I look into my screen, his name is haunting me, stalking me and of course demanding attention.

So, he must be the spirit calling again. I had this weird experience last 13th, midnight, it was a deep kind of inexplicable call from within, like an inner call, that I couldn't just dismiss. 

Something deep inside calling, wanting it to be known, making me feel so uneasy.

The unease was really unsettling.

I stayed wide awake despite being so tired.

Then another weird midnight thing happened again just before full moon. It was like a dog digging, a reflection of that action, like deep digging from an unknown dog, or must be the dog's neighbor who by the way is a very sensitive and noisy crier in certain nights. Weirdly enough, I can sense whenever the dog is in deep distress and even though I haven't seen the dog at all, I can imagine in my mind the actions and the cries it makes through the night. I felt it was the same dog who kept crying all night when I threw up months ago. Anyways, the projection of action was in my computer room, that I can sense but cannot see with eyes, it was the projection that I have witnessed, the feeling I had during the time I 'was watching' the projection, the scary, mysterious feeling it evoked in me. After this experience, I did not turn off my computer room light at all. I am scared of bearing witness to that weird feeling, experience again.

Aside from all these mysterious things happening all around me, I have been so attracted to this celebrity eagle owl from Russia lately. I love her. That eagle owl is mesmerizing, mysterious and mystical. I am in love with that owl, even my friend mentioned that I seem to be in love with the owl, it must be the case indeed. So out of curiosity, I searched the spiritual meaning of the owl. I was actually clueless and I was just really a fan. Especially about that video of owl bringing a mail, it evokes deep feelings of childhood bec of course of Harry Potter haha!

Anyway, the owl, indeed that peculiar animal symbolizes deep spiritual meaning. I was astonished. Owls are messengers of spirit world and it has an affinity with the underworld and death which actually means transformation. Sounds so affiliated with Persephone, the beautiful goddess who lives in both realms, some of the authors even call her the Queen of the Sacred Way.

The call of autumn is getting louder as the days passed, as time passed, the Eastern Asians just finished celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival, giving praise and thanks to our bountiful harvest. Then of course it is the start of cold months, the earth is going to be covered by cold winds and frozen ice, the snow. Time to travel inwards, time to travel to the underworld to visit and live with the beloved.

Time for reunion. Time to reunite.

Maybe even though I am clueless as to what will happen to me this coming months, deep inside I know that I am just following my authentic path. The revelations today are plenty to give me the boost I have been praying for. Faith is moving me toward the path. The light-hearted love I feel for the owl is not really just a surface fun, it is maybe a message from deep within. It must be the message itself. The revelations never stop, and the book of life is full of mysteries that move us forward to the direction given to us by sacred signs and symbols.

Here I am awed by the messages and symbols and revelations, marching towards the Sacred Way. Let's follow the path. May our faith always light our way.

The owl, the mail and the full moon

Owl and the mail!

Life is like this not just lately, but all the time. When you have planned for something thoroughly, rehearsed in your mind, rehearsed physically, rehearsed again and again, but in real life, when the present really happens as it has to happen, life will unfold in its own way, own time, own choices.

We have to be grateful every single moment, life happens as it should and we are witnesses to its mystery, ancient wisdom and natural laws.

So, sharing you this video of an eagle owl carrying a mail! Maybe a message from life will find us all soon. May the message help you in finding your life direction. May the message help me in finding my own direction. 

Moods #84

Feel Flows | The Beach Boys

Unbending, never ending tablets of time
Record all the yearning
Unfearing, all appearing message divine
Eases the burning

***

I confess, yes there is marching towards the underworld again, but this time I am still unsure which archetype I am going to symbolize and follow, who will it be? As days passed by, I am more and more alone, very single, very isolated, I don't feel too coupled.

Yes marching toward the deep dark beyond, but whose face am I carrying?

Whose role am I going to follow?

The darkness calls, all the time during this time of the year, during this season

Who am I going to answer?

Who will I journey with through the darkness this time?

Notes to the otherside 068

Diary entry as of 22:17

How's my dear darling nightmare? Missing you 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 12:14 (20240915)

Huggig my dear darling tight

Diary entry as of 2:29

Missing my darling

Notes to the otherside 067

Diary entry as of 11:58

But of course, the marching started as the 13th of Friday approaches, I love you my dear darling love 💛

Diary entry as of 12:04 (20240913)

It is your day today, my dear darling love, I love you, let's celebrate your special day 💛💛💛

Diary entry as of 3:34

I am wet my darling, I miss you so much

Diary entry as of 9:01

Friday oh Friday, I love you

Notes to the otherside 066

Diary entry as of 2:27

Missing my dear darling H💜💜💜

Diary entry as of 7:24

Morning my one and only darling H, cuddles

Diary entry as of 13:26

My dear darling H is my yummy yummy chocolate ☕️🍫🍩

Moods #83

Save Me | Aimee Mann

You look like
A perfect fit
For a girl in need
Of a tourniquet

***

This morning I couldn't get enough of this song, it was on repeat in my phone as I played it in the morning until 1pm, then I got busy doing other stuff. It was my favorite song from a movie for a very very long time perhaps just before Almost Famous soundtrack. I have watched Magnolia before Almost Famous. 

The music is so good along with the lyrics.

And then I got home ...

Wise Up | Aimee Mann

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed

'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

***

So, I was haunted by another Aimee Mann music, such good music as well.

May her music make you feel a little calmer 💜

Moods #82

Riders on the Storm | The Doors

Into this house, we're born
Into this world, we're thrown

***

Feels like the whole 2024 is a never ending relentless storm

Let's have this gem of a music accompany us during this global-wide storm

Daily Journal and wise words

 

Life makes us speechless

I am not sure if I have survived using solely my self-reliance or through my faith, though sometimes I doubt if I have it deeply, but I know it is there even if it is just the size of the smallest seed or how they call it, mustard seed in religious context (?) but I know I couldn't survive by myself alone. I believe it is my faith, it is through my painful, doubtful, relentless and unwavering belief that I have faith that brings me forward in this life.

Honestly, I am beyond exhaustion.

My mind, my emotions, my soul, all so tired of the pains and suffering and sensitivity to everything around me. 

Suffering is heavy. Suffering is terrible in a way that we find we are still lacking and still discouraged and still wounded by our desires, by our basic humanity (base human desires and instincts?), by our unwholesome habits, even though we have really been cultivating honestly, sincerely and a lot.

Life is painful.

Life is full of wounds, full of anxiety, full of hurting, full of inexplicable complex lack that shatters the illusion of control or the illusion of wholeness.

I am just a ball of bleeding blob. A bleeding heart. A bleeding wound that couldn't be stopped.

Sometimes the pain is too much, I thought I will just pass out from too much pain, too much hurt or too much blood loss (invisible blood from invisible bleeding wound, which though invisible doesn't make it untrue)

I just feel so sensitive, too sensitive, too easily hurt.

I cry a lot lately.

I don't even know who I am lately, I just gave up, I just let go. But it seems that of those I let go of some still find a way back to me, asking me to recognize them and hence asking me for strength to move forward. Or giving me the strength to move forward.

Master talked about Angel in one of her talks, the Catholic/Christian way of calling people who help people in suffering is Angel. The Buddhist way is Bodhisattva. Before this post, I have this obsession about this song from Friends, Angel of the Morning.

Bodhisattvas and Angels. All I can do is ask for their help each and every second to help me from my pain, I don't even dare to imagine how to be one.

Honestly, I am so amused by the fact that I have been listening non-stop to Angel of the Morning song and my Master mentioning Angels. The synchronicity still blows my mind. Giving me some strength to move forward. Giving me some energy to stay in the stream of life, to still praise its greatness and to be a witness to its divine intelligence and oneness. Just like what I wrote in some entries about Persephone's letter, she doesn't give up totally to the darkness when she was abducted in the underworld, she keeps her faith in the spark of message from the Divine, to keep her faith alive, to keep her alive in the pain of darkness.

Sometimes life is too painful that it leaves us speechless.

To those who are quiet and in too much pain, I remind you of the balm, a medicine from deep within, the medicine concocted from the pain given to us, which is our duty to alchemise into something that heals us and our wounds.

We are wounded, we are all wounded, but from this wound flows the medicine.

A healing new moon to all.