Akap and some tears

My sleeping pattern has been irretrievably wrecked since the Pandemic started, but actually it has been seeing the beginning of intermittent decline since last year. When I say decline, I mean it in the sense that I no longer sleep soundly at night. Sometimes I slept for 30 minutes at midnight, then I would wake up with energy so I would do some reading, writing or journaling, usually until dawn and then the day would begin to unfold with all the routines/duties I had to do so I didn’t sleep anymore. There were nights when I would sleep from midnight to dawn, with hourly interruptions, what’s good about it was that I could still go back to sleep after the momentary spark of energy. There were nights when I would sleep from midnight to dawn without interruption, those were considered good nights. But there were nights of no sleep at all, so I would carry on the duties of the next day without any shut-eye. I wonder how I had the energy to fulfill all my morning tasks?

Anyways, in one of those sleepless nights I had this OPM playlist keeping me company while I work the night away. I am a huge fan of Imago, so definitely their songs are part of the playlist for the evening. As I was typing, the beginning chords of this familiar song made me stop. I couldn’t explain it, but after a few seconds into the intro, I started to tear up until I completely lost it, so I just abandoned what I was typing and just focused on listening to the song. The song was Akap, of course I love this song, but now it seemed I love it even more. It resonated with me more. Like there were facets of it that I didn’t completely comprehend before but now it jumped at me strongly. How could something familiar before became even more meaningful to the point of being intimate? The more I listened to it, the more it revealed itself. Have you guys ever felt that before about a song? I was totally taken aback at what I have realized while listening to this song, more than that, I surprised myself because I was crying. Tears were just rolling down my face, I didn’t know what prevented me from walling, but it didn’t come to that point fortunately.

It took a while to gather myself together, but I was able to. What really struck me was that for me songs are expressions of love, happiness, sadness, pain, bitterness but this reaction was more than my usual surface reactions, must I have finally found a way to get deeper than what I measure myself capable of? Am I getting deeper moreover, am I getting more mature and more comfortable of strong feelings that I’m still scared of feeling? I mean I pride myself for being a rational being all the time. Honestly, I respect emotions, my emotions but I’d rather be rational than emotional because emotions are difficult to control and it can be a bit messy sometimes, please read this line without judging me. I do have a lot of emotional friends and I love them for being themselves. I have nothing but pure respect for opening themselves up to me about their emotions, I love that they are showing their emotions to me, seriously. I love it, and I am sensitive to it, to the different colors and shapes of their emotions. They even tell me I am sensitive enough so they reveal their most cherished emotions to me, but I am always accused of not sharing my emotions to them at all. Maybe because I have a very weird emotional range. I feel truly, I feel deeply even madly yes, but I don’t know how to express it. I keep it to myself because I fear I might get mis-interpreted. And I think more than I feel sometimes. That’s how I process things around me, I feel then I think and rationalize. But I sometimes want to feel and emotionalize(?) but it is really hard for me to do that. I don’t have the language for that, unlike with what I have established with rational thinking, I have every kind of pattern that I can come up with. When it comes to emotion, I have none. It might be really intuitive, but it takes a strong person to emotionally navigate and not get lost.  

That’s why I was shocked that I cried uncontrollably while listening to Akap. I feel like I am going through a transition phase, I must be getting prepped up for a lesson on emotions. Then I must dig more music at the break of dawn.

Akap by Imago

Nagtatanong
Bakit mahirap sumabay sa agos
Ng iyong mundo?

Nagtataka
Simple lang naman sana ang buhay
Kung ika'y matino

Sabihin sa akin lahat ng lihim mo
Iingatan ko
Ibaling sa akin ang problema mo
Kakayanin ko

Pikit-mata
Kong iaalay ang buwan at araw
Pati pa sapatos kong suot

Nagtatanong
Simple lang naman sana ang buhay
Kung ika'y lumayo

Sabihin sa akin lahat ng lihim mo
Iingatan ko
Ibaling sa akin ang problema mo
Kakayanin ko

Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa pait
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka…

Sabihin sa akin lahat ng lihim mo
Iingatan ko
Ibaling sa akin ang problema mo
Kakayanin ko