Paradox, ECQ pain and you

Believer by Imagine Dragons

I was chockin' in the crowd
Building my rain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbin' and flowin'
Inhibited, limited 'til it broke open and rained down
It rained down like 

Pain
~

It took me so long to realize that I have been benefiting immensely from the protection the ECQ is giving me, though I couldn't also discount the fact that it has indeed brought misery to my life by starting a cycle of unending chaos of adjustment, of which I don't know yet how to cope.

From my statement above we can see the words benefit and misery, two adjectives I use to describe ECQ all at the same breath. Very paradoxical. But true nonetheless.

Paradox. I love this word. It is defined as a statement or situation that may be true but seems impossible or difficult to understand because it contains two opposite facts or characteristics by Cambridge English dictionary. Theoretically and poetically, paradox is beautiful. It has that mystery. It has innate richness and it is intangible, full of metaphorical visualizations. Sensational. But trying to live it in real life is dangerous as it can have adverse effects in the psyche and psychological stability. 

Sometimes I fantasize myself 
as someone 
who is built to handle a lot of complexities 
in psychological level 
and still live in the real plane 
as if nothing's bothering me. 
There are times I proved yes I can live it well, 
but eventually I have my limits too. 
My principles can only be stretched so far. 
I might not be able to handle 
you. 
I might not 
be able to handle 
this. 

I am afraid of so many things 
lately. 
I am worried of 
so many things lately. 
And I can't even find a way to open up 
because 
I don't know where to start 
and 
I don't know where to do it. 

Why is life never simple? 
Why does it become complicated again and again and again? 
Will it be extended, will it be lowered to GCQ?

Eventually, I believe I will know the answers but it will breed another set of questions.