As we have now entered the sixth month of quarantine measures, I must say that I am getting so used to my new routine in the house. I wake up early, I had to do house chores, do online stuff, help parents, conduct classes, and then some hobbies here and there offline, which actually helps in keeping the sanity; I do them over and over again, day after day. To some it might be boring but for me, that's called structure.
As we collectively and bravely step into the uncharted course of this new world, I often find myself looking back at my daily diary log, from last year up until the start of quarantine. Not sure what I am looking for, but I am definitely looking for something that may help shine some light of inspiration to this dark uncharted path. Definitely last year was unprecedented, definitely last year was one of the biggest upheavals in my life. But actually, thinking back, it was not something sudden, it was something slow in the making and eventually last year was the year where it catapulted.
Though it was slow in the build-up, it is still change, hence it is still painful. In comparison, there were moments in my life when changes are sudden, and of course those are solid core-deep painful changes. Like failing an interview for a job position that I desire, or not getting the subject in the school program that I know will help me with my studies.
I have this weird relationship with change, I abhor it but sometimes I terribly need it. I couldn't fully function when I know something has already used up its functionality and that it is time for it to leave or to be cast away, but it is still there in my own sphere. If it happens I cut it heartlessly, no thinking twice, not even a blink. So I am also capable of swift sudden changes without pain.
Feels like I am not making sense at all.
Maybe I want to talk about so many changes in my life and in my relationships. Like letting go of some people, maybe by talking about it I can understand it more. It would be easier to digest.
It is because in my life, I have learned that people are not just people. They represent a part of me, they are the other half of the goal-shared, they are the other half of the planning, dreaming and scheming. So when they leave, it is like these plans just vanished along with them. It is like a room that I couldn't visit anymore because its door has permanently shut. It's heartbreaking because I grew to love that room and I even designed some corners of it, but now I couldn't even get a glimpse of it. See, change is painful. But I can talk about it now because I expected it and I know eventually it will happen, but I am not prepared for the residual pain.
It hurts.
Maybe it will hurt some more in the next few days or months.
But it is done.
All that's left is pain and failures and unrealized dreams.
I knew all along it was not meant to be, but it still hurts.
No matter how prepared we are logically and practically, there will always be that part that we can't control.
I know it is for the best of everyone, for the best of each one involved.
I remember days ago, I was watching this live broadcast of ABBA in 1979, releasing their new single The winner takes it all, Agnetha was asked to sing in front of the camera just days after her divorce with Bjorn. Of course Agnetha in her graceful way performed and delivered with such dignified class. There were short glances at Bjorn while she belted out some poignant lines in the song. Note: Bjorn wrote this song during the couples' falling out in their marriage. Up to this day, I don't know how Agnetha handled that kind of trauma, dramatizing her marriage story in front of millions of TV audience while her ex-husband was innocently playing the guitar beside her. Their marriage produced two kids and just a week after divorce, Bjorn reportedly went out with his new girlfriend. What a guy!
Just looking at Agnetha's eyes while performing, my tears welled up. Looked like she was fighting the tears while bringing a solid message through the song, that there is life after the dissolution of something that used to be wonderful. Something that used to define her. Something that used to be the world to her and perhaps her ex-husband.
Yes, that's what I was looking for. A dissolution of a world. It used to be there, but now it is nowhere. It is just dust. Just an empty space.
How does one survive a dissolution of a world?
Denial?
Diving into work?
How can one survive when so many layers of personality was deeply ingrained in that now-defunct world?
Build a new personality?
Build a new life?
Assume a new identity?
Maybe there will be more questions in the next few days, in the next few months, but in the mean time, I just want to watch Agnetha sing that song again.
Such a busy day today in our house. It is not always like this on Mondays since the lockdown, but today seems like a normal busy Monday before lockdown era. It started with me doing a document report for my students, and then parents' breakfast, then mom has a webinar with her workmates, where I should be on standby because she needs a lot of technical assistance, then of course in between, I have to squeeze in house chores. Then after the webinar, my tito came over to bring some stuff we left in our old house, a pile of boxes with lots of books and some Christmas decors. Some of the things look so familiar, and of course one of it was my old envelope filer, there were some old UP stuff inside. What's exciting was finally I located one of my thesis hardbound copy! I was thinking about it months ago because I already have my teaching portfolio in a hardbound copy, it needs to be put next to my UP undergrad thesis hardbound copy but I seem to have lost it somewhere. And today it resurfaced! Amazing!
Aside from my hardbound thesis, I also found some classcards from my UP classes. Haha, my grades were high in these classcards, and I am proud of them. I really had a hard time getting high grades during college because honestly the subjects were difficult. Argh, but I remember being a consistent college scholar and there was a time I was a university scholar too. You will only get that high standing when your total semester average is less than 1.5 or 1.75. But actually I forgot now if those were the correct GWA (general weighted average) for college/university scholar. In our university, 1 is the highest grade and 5 would be the dreaded grade you would like to get from a prof, while 3 would mean that you really did your best, but well not enough to get a dos, but your dignity is still intact, but I am not sure about sanity though.
When I checked these classcards, these were from the classes I loved the most. My professors who gave the grades were Prof Marra Lanot, Prof Nick Tiongson and Prof Joseph Fortin. There are many details in the classcards that will give away what subject and what year the subject was taken and of course, the most important number in any isko or iska, the student number. Upon being admitted to the university, you have to memorize your student number, it is your code, it is your life blood, it is your identity. The first four numbers would be the year you started studying in the university.
Well, after looking at these classcards, I became busy again because I had to help my mom with her phone as there was a council of the elders video call (mom and her sisters.) Funny how the pandemic is shaping our family communication. Anyways, have to wrap up because of many other Monday things to be accomplished.
End of post.
(1) Lately, it seems like there is an ongoing endless disconnect from what was familiar before and a very interesting dynamic but complicated attempt to connect to new objects/people/situations in my sphere of existence.
(2) I must say August's word of the month is death
(3) It feels like we need to empty ourselves more and more before we can start building/creating again
(4) I am learning to adjust to my new normal in (a) technology (b) schedule (c) way of thinking (d) emotions (e) general way of life, day by day, little by little, step by step.
(5) Today more than ever, time becomes more and more important to me. I am starting to view it in a different perspective, in different measure and in different texture. Maybe the rhythm of time is changing too or maybe I am seeing it in a new light. But the rhythm is surely there, we just need to patiently observe it and understand its pattern.
(6) I wish that we have reached the rock bottom of this pandemic and that we are now starting to move upward, but we still need to be vigilant and sensitive of our environment.
(7) Let's always be grateful, mindful and when we know that we need to act on something, just do it!
#mondayagain