Actually, who wouldn't

Habang nagpapahinga ako sa kwarto dala nang fever at ubo at allergy, napag-isip ako: Bakit medyo mahirap talagang maintindihan ang buhay, laging may problema, may issues, may mga challenges at di matapos-tapos na worries. Tapos, may sakit pa ako, at tambak ang mga hugasang bowls at kutsara at tinidor at mga labahang kailangang labhan, banlawan at isampay. Idagdag pa dito ang hindi matapos tapos na pagtanggal nang tiles sa aming apartment floor para palitan nang mas matibay na flooring, kasabay nito ang ingay nang tiles na binibiak, alikabok at pagpukpok ng martilyo sa sahig. Read: allergy at alikabok; fever at maingay na hallway; bed rest at mga domestic stuff na hindi pa nabibigyang pansin. Hindi ba ito ang mga kondisyon na nakaka-snap? Yung tipong konti na lang ang hinahawakan kong sanity at kahit ano mang oras ay malapit na akong bumigay? Perhaps get hysterical? 

Nanduon aang train of thought ko nang bigla kong na-realize (after calling in life all the patience I have left), maybe the question is who wouldn't snap?

Yun. Spot on. Something to keep my day sane. Something to hold on to to bring back my faith in life and universe. 

I convinced myself, it's ok to snap. It's ok to tumble, to fall, to breakdown. To let the flood rush in and rush through and then let go. THEN I laughed, with all my might. I laughed at myself. (I made big boo-boo yesterday night, the electricity went out while I was washing my clothes, so dark all around esp inside the laundry area. I rushed to my room to get candle. Then ran down four flights to have it lit by guard bec he has matches, (and I don't) and I ran upstairs again carefully guarding the light. Upon reaching 4th floor, my apartment-mate commented, parang baligtad yung sinidihan mo, and yes she was right, yung bottom part yung sinindihan ko hindi yung talagang wick sa kabilang dulo, upon realizing the crazy blunder, I laughed so hard at myself, it was even better bec my apartment mate is laughing hard with me. Oh goodness)

Maybe the crack/the snap is what it is all about and it is about accepting it, that it exists, and that in life there are a lot of things out of our control. We tried our best and we have to let it go. Fall when it is time to fall. Empty out when it is time to empty out. Laugh. Laugh at our crazy attempts to live life like we know how it works, like we have full grasp of it, like we are on top of things, because laughter is our most powerful weapon: it is a signal that we are at our wits end but we are still fearless; we are helpless but we still believe, we still hope. I read somewhere that where there is laughter, fear cannot enter. 

Share laughter with friends and loved ones. 

Then start all over again. 

Back to work everyone

This is me

The issues of pamaypay

Oh come on, what’s with my pamaypay today? It had been a target of two people this morning.

Earlier, I was just fanning myself behind the driver inside the cab, then he suddenly exclaimed, hindi ka ba naaabot nang aircon? I said, naaabot ho, pero may sakit po ako (kasi nga naman the woman’s body is hotter when she is menstruating). Actually, hindi ko dapat sinabing may sakit ako, sinabi ko na lang sana na meron po kasi ako, kaya mas naiinitan ako. Nahihiya kasi akong sabihin sa kanya na meron ako, personal na isyu ko na yun eh.

Sabi ulit nung driver, “Imposible namang di ka maabot nung lamig ng hangin eh malakas naman itong pagset ko sa aircon. Dapat di ka na magpapaypay.”

Tapos ang ginawa ko, sabi ko, "ganoon ho ba?" Tapos tiniklop ko na yung pamaypay. Sa totoo lang di naman talaga malakas yung aircon niya, saka nasa likod ako kaya di ako masyadong naaabot nung malamig na hangin. Medyo na-feel ko na madaling mag-init yung ulo ni kuya, kaya di na lang ulit ako nagpaypay at tumingin na lang ako sa labas ng bintana.

Ang ginawa niya, nagsalita siya ng mataas, sabi niya, nakakahiya kasi na makita nang tao na nagpapaypay ka sa loob nang taxi. Sabay patay ng aircon at bukas ng bintana.

Whatda?! ~&#!+ So, eventually nakarating din kami sa office ko nang di ko na ibinukas muli ang pamaypay.

Ano bang masama kung gusto kong magpaypay habang may aircon? Gusto kong matuyo yung buhok ko, gusto ko ring mas bumilis yung pagdating nung malamig na hangin sa akin at yung pamaypay tool para mas maabot nung malamig na hangin yung iba pang parte ng katawan ko. Saka meron nga ako, mas naiitan talaga ako ngayon.

Ano ba?!! May issue na pala ang pagpapaypay ngayon. Haiii 

Tapos pagdating ko sa office, lock pa ang pinto. Wala pang tao.

So mainit na naman. After 30 minutes, dumating na ang may dala ng susi.

Tapos kabubukas pa lang ng aircon. So, instinctively magpapaypay muna ako para naman maging presko pakiramdam ko.

Pero lumapit sa akin yung isang admin assistant, nagporma siyang may sinesenyas na medyo seryoso, na para bang may nakalimutan akong i-unplug from yesterday dito sa office kaya may kaunting problema. Pero pagkalapit niya sa cubicle ko, sabi niya: “Gusto mo kunin na lang yung electric fan at ilagay dito sa cubicle mo?” Mapapalampas ko sana ang sa umpisa ay inosenteng pagtatanong, pero kasi yung behavior niya nung lumalapit siya sa akin, para bang sinasabi na lagot ka, may kasalanan kang ginawa, iyon pala ay dahil sinasaway din niya ako sa pagpapaypay. Pagkasabi nito, ibinaba ko ang pamaypay at tinanong ang sarili, may issue ba talaga ang pagpapaypay ngayong umaga?

Hai anuba yun!

Tabula Rasa

Seeing the Oblation standing amid the destruction around UP Campus in Leyte, I cannot help but feel the profound invitation of hope. There is light, beyond the desolation, beyond the seemingly insurmountable challenges, beyond desperation. A very bright light which remains pure and untouched by anything that befalls the humanity and its creations.

And I believe that that light is here to guide us in molding new and sustainable beginnings.

Clean slate, a divine gift to all of us.

Let us rise again

Whenever darkness creeps in, I always remind myself of this gem of a wisdom I learned from a Permaculture practitioner. He said, water is the only element that exhibits same quality after being subject to freezing point and boiling point (both 100 degrees celsius) - it expands.

And then I put my mind back to the biology class, that the human body is composed mainly of water. 

And that water is basic component of any living being/thing.

Life may put us into grueling pressures and may throw us into deep troubles, but I trust that we will all rise up again with awareness and better understanding of ourselves and our humanity.

Bittersweet

Must be the whale cry again, or maybe just the mood here in the City.

Just feeling this familiar sense of melancholy.

Suspension of emotion, denial of isolation.

Good thing I have Genmaicha and crackers to keep me company.